Jesus Was A Hawkeye Fan. It's Right In The Gospel

You know, back before the holiday, before the presidential candidates went totally insane, we confessed that we hadn't been paying much attention to them. Turns out that may have been a mistake because these guys are better than rasslin' on the tee vee. Or at least some of them are. The rest will probably come along shortly if they don't want to get ignored by the press because they're not saying totally outrageous, fly smack bonkizoid, off the rails and into the corn things. Here's the ante boys and girls:

God's will is for Iowa to have the first-in-the-nation caucus, Democratic presidential candidate Bill Richardson told a crowd. "It says right in the bible that Jesus wanted to be a farmer but his dad made him take up carpentry," he told the crowd. "And if he hadn't been six thousand miles away I'm sure he'd a settled here in Iowa after his savioring days were over. Well, except for that whole ascending into heaven thing."

"Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary," Richardson said. "See, not only am I a minister, I'm a constitutional expert too. In fact, ole' Tom Jefferson came to me in a dream just the other night and said Bill, he calls me Bill. He said Bill, if we'd a had an Iowa back in my day, we'd ought to a put the first primary there. If we'd a had primaries."

Several people in the crowd snickered after Richardson made the comment, most burst out laughing and several who had been taking a drink when he made the comment had to be treated by paramedics because they shot so much beer through their noses they almost drowned.

"That was a little weird," said Sioux City resident Joe Shufro. "OK, it was a lot weird, but that's why I come to these things. Is that guy running for something?"

Sioux City resident Jan Hodge agreed that Richardson's statement was odd. "It's the kind of thing that would make me wince if, for instance, George Bush said it because we know he's completely wacko" Hodge said. "Richardson has the saving grace of not taking himself too seriously. Besides he was drunk. Wasn't he?"

Much of the crowd that had gathered earlier to hear Hillary and Bill Clinton had left by 1 p.m. when Richardson took the stage. "I want you to know who was the first candidate to sign a pledge not to campaign anywhere if they got ahead of Iowa. It was Bill Richardson," he said. "And I also want you to know Jesus will send floods and plagues to any state that gets ahead of Iowa."

Part of Richardson's promises includes a goal to reduce the age for Medicare eligibility from 65 to 55. "I'm particularly interested in the mental health programs they have," he told the crowd.