Oh, And Magnetism? Just Angels Messing With You. Really

OK, we get it. You don't like that whole earth is over 6000 years old thing. We understand it was hard for you to accept that the sun is at the center of the solar system. We're sorry that scientists keep explaining things like lightening and eclipses. You've made it very clear you don't want to be associated with the monkeys. Frankly, the whole poop flinging thing isn't that big a draw for us either, but look, when you go into education as a career you're sort of expected to, you know, like deal with the facts and all. Just saying.

A key state official plans to vote against Florida's proposed new science standards because evolution would be taught in public schools. "What's next?" asked Donna Callaway of the State Board of Education. "Expanding universe? Germ theory? Where does it end, that's what I want to know."

The former Tallahassee middle school principal is the first board member to make public comment on the standards. She was also the first board member to argue that god meant things to be measured in inches and not meters; that using Greek letters in math and sciences classes is a form of Satan worship; and that students interested in medical careers only needed to be taught about the four humors.

The proposed standards are controversial because they would, for the first time, require public school students to learn about evolution. "How are Florida's students going to compete for jobs in the knowledge economy if they have to learn stuff?" Callaway asked. "Wait. That didn't come out right."

In an editorial in the Baptist Witless, Callaway urged Baptists to speak out against the standards because they attempt "to make evolution dogma" the rule and ignore the belief that God or an "intelligent cause" created living things from three rocks and some dirt.

The editorial appeared in the December 6 issue of the Baptist newspaper, which is delivered to some 40,000 homes, said James Smith, the publication's executive editor. "Of course of that 40,000 only about six can read, so we're not sure what the effect will be," he added.

"I firmly believe that a child can deal with the proof of science along with a personal belief in God as the Creator of the universe at the same time." Callaway said. "And I believe that because I'm doing such a good job of dealing with it myself."

Callaway's comments in a church-based paper troubles Florida Citizens for Science, which supports reality. "She's allowing the voices in her head to cloud her judgment on science education in Florida," said Brandon Haught, the group's spokesman.

The proposed standards were written by teachers and professors with the goal of beefing up science education in Florida, where fewer than half the students are proficient on state science tests. We've got to do something to improve that," Haught said. "This isn't Texas after all."

There Will Be Sacrifices. We May Have To Outlaw Ethnic Foods As Well

Monday we told you about a Mr. John Dunkle whose attempt to bring rationality and comity to the abortion debate through the use of Winchester products was quashed by one of those activist judges. Seems the little pinko's idea of discussion has to do with actual words. Obviously not a John Wayne fan.

Well, to prove you can't keep a good idea down, along comes Tom Tancredo, candidate for president from the Insane Clown Party. In order to further the national discussion on who is best qualified to lead this country out of the current fever swamp we've been wading though for the last seven years, Mr. Tancredo reminds us that if we don't vote for him a brown person will blow up the GAP.

A man in a hooded sweat shirt, a backpack, a crowded mall. The television screen goes dark at the sound of an explosion. Tom Tancredo, the presidential candidate running on a bug eyed, spittle flecked, stumble screaming into the night message, is airing this scene in a television ad. "I made this ad because I believe Americans can never be too frightened." Tancredo told reporters. "Plus it helps me avoid having to talk about stuff like health care and the economy and stuff nobody cares about."

"There are consequences to open borders beyond the 20 million aliens who have come to take our jobs in the lawn care, housekeeping and cab driving industries," a narrator in the spot says. "Islamic terrorists now freely roam U.S. soil, just like blacks and women."

"I have a limited budget so I have to try and cover all my bases in one ad," Tancredo said.

Tancredo, a congressman who has long advocated tight limits on people who aren't lucky enough to be born white, barely registers in public opinion polls. "We just need one GAP to go up and we're right up there with the big boys," said an aide to the congressman. "Heck, even a Crate and Barrel will do. Anything. "

"I approve this message because someone needs to say it," Tancredo says at the beginning of the ad. "And when it gets right down to it, none of the other candidates can put on the crazy like I can."

Well, at least he has one position with which we can agree.