And While You're Praying? Keep Your Hands Where We Can See Them

We've mentioned before that we spent several of our formative years under the benevolent, if somewhat alcohol soaked gaze of the Catholic School System. And for those of you keeping score at home, no we were not asked by good Father McFeely to polish the holy rod of salvation and save the pagan babies who had died without benefit of being able to drop one of those little collection envelopes into the plate.

Hey, if we'd been able to get in on some of that sweet, sweet pervy payoff, you think we'd be hanging out in this neighborhood?

We had the misfortune of being pastored by a bunch of juice heads. We suspect though, that the attention they didn't direct our way was lavished on the local convent. We always wondered why Sister Regilina Angelica Corpus Mundum was suddenly "reassigned" to Alaska in the middle of the school year and Father Mack left soon after for "missionary work."

Well, be that as it may, the church's troubled times have now come to and end because the pope has decided to corral the diffuse potential of all the Babushkas who sit in the back pews during mass saying rosaries and unleash their madd prayer skillz on the big guy in a coordinated attempt to get him to convince the boys with the backward collars to keep it in their pants.

Pope Benedict XVI has instructed Roman Catholics to pray “in perpetuity” to cleanse the Church of pedophile clergy. All dioceses, parishes, monasteries, convents and seminaries will be expected to organize continuous daily prayers to express penitence and to purify the clergy. "See, we figure if there's someone always around praying, then there'll always be someone around to keep an eye on these guys," said one Vatican official who asked not to be named.

Vatican officials said that every parish or institution should designate a person or group each day to conduct continuous prayers for the Church to rid itself of the scandal of sexual abuse by clergy. "It was either that, or make everyone a member of the choir, if you get my drift," said the official.

The instruction was sent to bishops by Cardinal Cláudio Hummes of Brazil, head of the Vatican Congregation for Total Abstinence by the Clergy and This Time We Really Mean It. He told L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, that he was acting in the Pope’s name. The Pope wanted Catholics to pray for the “mercy of God for the victims of the grave situations caused by the huge payouts courts are awarding because of a very small part of the clergy,” he said. "Maybe I should have said a very small number of individuals within the population of clergy," he added. "Not that I have any personal knowledge of the clergy's parts. Small or otherwise."

Officials said that the prayers were so the church could divert attention from legal action against pedophile priests by their victims and a code adopted two years ago by the Vatican to try to ensure that men “with deep-seated homosexual tendencies” do not enter seminaries to train for the priesthood. "And yes, we know there isn't necessarily a connection between pedophiles and homosexuals, but we're not real fond of Broke Back mountain in the Rectory either," Cardinal Hummes said.

Cardinal Hummes said that the aim was to put a definitive stop to a scandal that had damaged the financial situation of the Church and forced US archdioceses, including Boston and Los Angeles, to pay millions of dollars in compensation to the victims. "Ladies in the back row, we're counting on you. Wear those rosary beads down to little nubbins," he said.

When the pedophile scandal erupted in Boston five years ago, Pope Benedict XVI accused the media of exaggerating the crisis. "Hey, it worked for Foley." an aide to the pope said.

A month later he lifted the legal protection that the Vatican had given to Father Marcial Maciel, the Mexican founder of the Friendly Uncles of Christ, who was accused of sexual abuse of youngsters while disguised as a Mime. Maciel was banned from saying Mass or speaking in public except at soccer matches. "Guess we showed him," a spokesperson told reporters.

The Pope, who is preparing an encyclical on the social effects of globalisation, gave a homily at St Peter’s on the feast of the Epiphany in which he deplored the West’s “search for excess and the superfluous.” When asked what that had to do with pedophile priests, a spokesperson explained that the Church was beginning a new appraoch to the problem of pedophile priests. "What is it you Americans call it? 9/11! 9/11!"

Oh, And Magnetism? Just Angels Messing With You. Really

OK, we get it. You don't like that whole earth is over 6000 years old thing. We understand it was hard for you to accept that the sun is at the center of the solar system. We're sorry that scientists keep explaining things like lightening and eclipses. You've made it very clear you don't want to be associated with the monkeys. Frankly, the whole poop flinging thing isn't that big a draw for us either, but look, when you go into education as a career you're sort of expected to, you know, like deal with the facts and all. Just saying.

A key state official plans to vote against Florida's proposed new science standards because evolution would be taught in public schools. "What's next?" asked Donna Callaway of the State Board of Education. "Expanding universe? Germ theory? Where does it end, that's what I want to know."

The former Tallahassee middle school principal is the first board member to make public comment on the standards. She was also the first board member to argue that god meant things to be measured in inches and not meters; that using Greek letters in math and sciences classes is a form of Satan worship; and that students interested in medical careers only needed to be taught about the four humors.

The proposed standards are controversial because they would, for the first time, require public school students to learn about evolution. "How are Florida's students going to compete for jobs in the knowledge economy if they have to learn stuff?" Callaway asked. "Wait. That didn't come out right."

In an editorial in the Baptist Witless, Callaway urged Baptists to speak out against the standards because they attempt "to make evolution dogma" the rule and ignore the belief that God or an "intelligent cause" created living things from three rocks and some dirt.

The editorial appeared in the December 6 issue of the Baptist newspaper, which is delivered to some 40,000 homes, said James Smith, the publication's executive editor. "Of course of that 40,000 only about six can read, so we're not sure what the effect will be," he added.

"I firmly believe that a child can deal with the proof of science along with a personal belief in God as the Creator of the universe at the same time." Callaway said. "And I believe that because I'm doing such a good job of dealing with it myself."

Callaway's comments in a church-based paper troubles Florida Citizens for Science, which supports reality. "She's allowing the voices in her head to cloud her judgment on science education in Florida," said Brandon Haught, the group's spokesman.

The proposed standards were written by teachers and professors with the goal of beefing up science education in Florida, where fewer than half the students are proficient on state science tests. We've got to do something to improve that," Haught said. "This isn't Texas after all."

And Jesus Saith Unto The Multitudes, "Liquidity Is Thy Savior"

Once upon a time in our misspent youth, we were stopped by a local law enforcement official for some minor youthful indiscretion--70 in a 30 or some such--and asked by said official to exit our vehicle.

We demurred, having had the areas of our brain that concern themselves with judgment, balance and self preservation shut off by a noxious cocktail of substances which we would normally have completely shunned had it not been for the seductive pleadings of one Natalie Livingstone. Ah, Natalie...the ache she could bring to our vulnerable hearts with just a shy hint of a smile, or innocent tilt of her raven-haired visage. We would have eaten glass if she asked us to. But we digress.

Long story short, the cop told us to get out of the car and we said no. He then proceeded to convince us, using the techniques of classical rhetoric, Aristotelean logic, and we believe one of those collapsible batons why we should always do as those in authority ask.

We have made that a motto and mantra in the years since, and it has stood us in good stead in subsequent dealings with the minions of the power class. So you can imagine our dismay and distress at finding out today that we have been one simple word away from being able to live lives of complete anarchy and wild abandon in full view of the authorities. And that word is, Reverend.

A second Christian ministry is refusing to meet a deadline for a Senate investigation into preachers' salaries, perks and travel. "Separation of Church and state baby," said Benny Hinn of World Healing Center Church and Investment Club Inc. "Now, what's that the reverend Hammer says? Oh yeah, 'Cain't touch this."

A lawyer for preacher Creflo Dollar of Money Changers Church International in suburban Atlanta had earlier said that the investigation should be referred to the IRS or the Senate panel should get a subpoena for the documents. "Or they could take my suggestion about the rolling donut," the lawyer added.

The ministries preach a form of Word of Faith theology, known as prosperity gospel, which teaches that God wants believers contribute to an increase in material rewards for their pastors. "Think how much Jesus will appreciate you if you give me all your money," said Hinn.

Senator Charles Grassley, the ranking member of the Senate Finance Committee, has insisted his investigation "has nothing to do with church doctrine. Well, except for the part that says the ministry needs a private jet. I can't find that in the bible," he told reporters.

"Well that's because they didn't have jets back then," Dollar said. "See, we're trained to interpret the bible in terms of the current cultural milieu, so we know when it says Jesus rode on a donkey, that really means get yourself a Citation. It's heavy duty theological exegesis. You wouldn't understand."

Other televangelists have been noncommittal in their public comments, preferring to funnel their money off shore, but some have voiced strong objections that echo Dollar's. "Hey, drug dealers have the bling and the IRS doesn't go after them," said Bishop Eddie Long of New Birth Missionary Baptist Church of the Dow Jones Out Performers. "You can't save souls if you're constantly worried about your portfolio."

Georgia Democratic state Representative Randal Mangham agreed, arguing that appearances matter. “It’s important for kids to see you don’t have to sell drugs to drive a nice car,” he told the Los Angeles Times. "Lord knows true religion is all about the appearances," he added.

What About If You Guys Just All Moved To Another Country? Say, Alabama?

Ah, conservative, christian funny mentalists. The gift that keeps on giving. Seems they can't find anyone up to the moral and ethical caliber of George Bush in the current bus load of screaming whackos (tm) that comprise the republican candidates for president, so they've gone looking elsewhere. Conspiracy conventions, assisted living centers and under bridges we assume, but looking they are and finding they hope to do.

Some of the nation's most spectacularly bonkazoid, pedal to the metal, full bark mode conservative christians, alarmed by the prospect of the country moving into the 21st century, are considering backing a third-party candidate. "You know, we haven't seen the son of god around much in the last 2000 years or so," said Tony Perkins, head of the Family Research Council, a conservative policy group in Washington. "It would really help our cause if we could recruit someone who could turn people voting democratic into ash, or frogs or something."

Participants in the meeting included James Dobson, founder of the Focus on the Family evangelical ministry, and car wash in Colorado Springs, Colo. "The lord has instructed me to direct my minions to take over this country," Dobson said. "In accordance with the best traditions of our democratically elected government of course, which will be bent to my...er...our will. Now excuse me while I speak in tongues. Boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom shakalakalaka boom!! Thank you. Please give what you can."

Dobson has said he wouldn't support Giuliani, calling the former New York mayor an "unapologetic supporter of abortion on demand." Dobson has also rejected former Tennessee Sen. Fred Thompson as wrong on social issues, and wouldn't back John McCain because of the Arizona senator's opposition to a constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage. When asked if the candidates position on the war, or domestic policy issues entered into his decision, Dobson replied, "What war?"

Richard A. Viguerie, the direct-mail expert and longtime conservative activist would not give specifics of the proposal or reveal additional names of participants, but said President Bush "would not have been elected in '04 without the people in that room. Which is why I've contacted the Federal Marshall's witness protection program. We have got to get these people some protection."

"There is such jaundiced feelings about any promises or commitments from any Republican leaders," Viguerie said in a phone interview. "Republicans are the christian family values party. We should have seen this coming years ago. Too late we find out they're just like us."

A spokesman for the Republican National Committee did not respond to a request for comment, but did hold his index finger up to his temple, twirl it around and then point at Dobson.

The participants were in Salt Lake City for a separate meeting of the secretive Posse for Busting Up The Heathens, a group of conservative business, religious and political studz that was co-founded years ago by Tim LaHaye, author of the "Left Behind" series of books. Vice President Dick Cheney flew into the city Friday to address the group, according to The Salt Lake Tribune but was barred from entering the meeting when the archangel Gabriel appeared at the door and ordered him away.

Viguerie said conservatives "are still open" to former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney. "We like the fact that he's had every position imaginable. We know ours are in there somewhere, it's just a question of which set of beliefs he'll stop on if he gets elected. That's a gamble and we don't do that stuff. Well, not much anyway."

"Conservatives have been treated like a mistress as long as any of us can remember," Viguerie said. "They'll have lots of private meetings with us, tell us how much they appreciate it and how much they value us, but if you see me on the street please don't speak with me."

When asked if that was an appropriate metaphor for a conservative christian group, Viguerie replied that he wasn't sure, but "it worked for Vitter."

Richard Land, head of the public policy arm of the Southern Baptist Convention, was not at the meeting. But he said no one floating the idea of a third party thinks there's much chance the candidate would win. He considers the proposal a reaction to "moguls of the Republican establishment" who think conservative Christians will support the GOP no matter what. "A lot of them won't hold their nose and do it," Land said. When asked what they would hold, Land refused to answer.

We're Sorry. The NewsConference Will Have To Be Posponed Until After Mr. Thompson's Nap

OK, here's something that struck us as a little odd about one of the Bus Load of Screaming Whackos (tm) otherwise known as the republican argument for government sponsored mental health testing and free psycho-pharmaceuticals...er...candidates for president.

Republican presidential contender Fred Thompson, who has based his campaign on not doing much and appealing to conservative voters who are mostly listening to the voices in their heads--or Fox News, said he isn't a regular churchgoer and doesn't plan to speak about his religion on the stump. "Actually I don't want to talk about much of anything," Thompson said. "Just pretend I'm saying what you want to hear."

Excuse us, but isn't that the only thing republicans are supposed to talk about? For example, if gay marriage were outlawed we'd be winning in Iraq, and Osama bin Laden is for stem cell research. It's been in all the papers.

"Actually religious people give me the creeps," Thompson said. "Why don't y'all just keep telling me why you want me for president like you did before?"

Thompson, in his first campaign stop in South Carolina, told a crowd of about 500 Republicans yesterday that he gained his values from "sitting around the kitchen table with his parents and "the good Church of Christ. That ole' bottle a moonshine daddy kept in the cupboard didn't hurt none either.''

Thompson said he usually attends church when he gets lost on the way to the golf course and isn't a member of any church in the Washington area. "I'm all for that holy roller stuff though if that's what it take to get folks to vote for me."

"As long as he was acclimated in some kind of church, involved in the church, that's very important,'' said Jamie Darnell, 27, of Greenville.

Yeah, but Jamie, he just said he wasn't.

"Umm...well...I really don't do half the things I say either."

Asked by reporters later to clarify his stance on religion, Thompson said: ``Me getting up and talking about what a wonderful person I am and that sort of thing, I'm not comfortable with that, and I don't think it does me any good. People will make up their own mind about that, and that's the way I like it.''

Asked what that answer had to do with his stance on religion, Thompson admitted he didn't know but said "that's all you're getting because it's time for my nap. Oh, and Romney sucks."

Thompson, 65, who officially joined the race for the Republican presidential nomination last week because his show went into reruns and no one had offered him a movie role. He spoke at length about the need for a "stronger and more unified program of senior discounts'' to withstand a global battle against young'uns getting all the good stuff off the buffet. Oh, and I'll win the war on terra too. Where's the restroom?"

So far, Thompson hasn't talked in detail about what U.S. foreign policy would look like should he be elected. "Foreign policy is about them folks that live over there," he told reporters, gesturing off in a vague direction. "They don't even have the American tee vee."

The August 1 collapse of a Minneapolis bridge that killed 13 people -- the worst U.S. bridge failure in 25 years --"went down because things aren't being paid attention to at home,'' said Cindy Holden, 57, a nurse who asked the question. In response, Thompson launched into an almost 10-minute answer focused on why it was necessary to overthrow Saddam Hussein. He didn't mention infrastructure.

"Works for me," Holden said.

I Am The Benedicto, And I Have Teh Madd Salvation Skillzz

Ha! We knew it! We just knew it! There had to be a reason we sat through all those catechism classes besides the times Elizabeth Arden wore sweaters. Ah, sweaters...kind of tight, but not too tight...smooth...and when she would reach behind her to pass back the catechism books...throwing those shoulders back...leaning....don't take the book yet...make her reach...just a little more...just a...oh...uh...where were we? Oh yeah. We're going to heaven...and you're not.

Neener neener neener.

Pope Benedict XVI reasserted the coolosity of the Roman Catholic Church approving a document that says other Christian communities are whack. "Now we don't want to unduly scare the heathens...er...our unsaved brethren," said a Vatican spokesperson. "But I feel I must remind you that a couple of months ago we also did away with purgatory, so those of you thinking you might might not need to join the team to be allowed to spend eternity in heaven's suburbs, well, word to the wise, that's all I'm saying."

"It makes us question the seriousness with which the Roman Catholic Church takes its dialogues with the reformed family and other families of the church," said the World Alliance of Reformed Churches, a fellowship of 75 million Protestants in more than 100 countries. "Oh we take it very seriously," said the spokesperson. "If 75 million people start going to mass and contributing a few bucks a week, well we can get out from under this whole lawsuit thing in a matter of months. Oh, and there's the whole salvation thing. That's important too."

It was the second time in a week that Benedict has corrected what he says are erroneous interpretations of the Second Vatican Council, the 1962-1965 meetings that brought the church out of the 13th century. When asked how there could be an "erroneous" interpretation of church doctrine when the pope was supposed to be infallible when ruling on church doctrine, a spokesperson for the pope's office of soul enhancement replied, "It was the sixties. Everyone was high."

Benedict also revived the old Latin Mass — a move cheered by Catholic traditionalists but criticized by more liberal ones as a step backward from Vatican II. Benedict, who attended Vatican II as a young theologian, has long complained about what he considers its erroneous interpretation by liberals, saying it was not a break from the past but rather a renewal of church tradition. "Who's got the power now libtard," said a cardinal who asked not to be identified. "Or should I say Father Libtard? Stick that in your sandal wearing, folk singing, acoustic guitar, English mass and smoke it. I got your Kumbaya, right here."

The Congregation for Getting Righteous on your Scrawny Protestant Behind, which Benedict headed before becoming pope, said it was issuing the new document because some contemporary theological interpretations of Vatican II had been "diggity-dank" and had prompted confusion and doubt. "Jews in heaven? I don't think so." said one member of the panel.

The new document — formulated as five questions and answers like, Can I get To Heaven If I Don't Speak Latin? Answer: Nullo modo, Jose' , has riled Protestant and other Christian denominations because it said they were not true churches because they don't even have bingo, and therefore did not have the "the official godly seal of okey dokeyness. That sounds better when we say it in Latin," said one Vatican spokesperson."

"Christ 'established here on earth' only one church," said the document. "And if you ain't with the pope, you're just a dope. That's all I'm saying," added one official.

The bingoless "cannot be called 'churches' in the proper sense" because they do not have apostolic succession — the ability to trace their bishops back to Christ's original apostles. "You think the Jews are the chosen people," said one official from the pope's office of community outreach. "Pulllease. We got the whole Christ posse, man. Top that."

The Rev. Sara MacVane, of the Anglican Centre in Rome, said "It's important always to point out that there's the official position and there's the huge amount of friendship and fellowship and worshipping together that goes on at all levels, certainly between Anglicans and Catholics and all the other groups and Catholics."

"Oh sure, we like you," said Salvatore (little walnuts) Maraschino, pope Benedict's Consiglio. "You're going to hell, but we like you. Plus she's a woman. What's up with that?"

Despite the harsh tone, the document stressed that Benedict remains committed to ecumenical dialogue. "The pope has just completed a correspondence course at the George W. Bush School of Dialogitating and Discussation and he's eager to try out some of the principles he learned there," said an aide.

The top Protestant cleric in Benedict's homeland said the Vatican apparently did not consider that "mutual respect for the church status" was required for any ecumenical progress. "Oh we respect them," said Maraschino. "We respect them because we know they're there....FOR US TO POOP ON!!"

In a statement titled "Lost Chance," Lutheran Bishop Wolfgang Huber argued that "it would also be completely sufficient if it were to be said that the reforming churches are 'not churches in the sense required here' or that they are 'churches of another type' — but none of these bridges is used" in the document. "Bridges? Bridges? We don't need no stinking bridges," said one cardinal familiar with the document.

The statement, signed by the congregation prefect, American Cardinal William Levada, was approved by Benedict on June 29, the feast of Saints Peter and Paul — a major ecumenical feast day. "Plus it twofers down at the Holy Mary Mother Of God Pub and Grill," Levada added.

Jesus Saves, But Can He Do Story Problems?

From time to time we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have been accused of having a less than positive outlook on this great country of ours. "Traitorous scum" we believe was the appellation. Or was it "French?"

Anyway, the point is, nothing could be further form the truth. Fact is we love this country and almost daily thank our lucky stars for having been born in America rather than in say, Alabama. We are grateful for the fact that with less than four percent of the world's population, we consume 25% of its energy. We are grateful for the fact that as the world's sole super power we can project our military might anywhere on the planet and thus don't have to waste time with diplomacy. And we're grateful that to continue to feed the great beast that is the beacon of freedom and promise in the world, we will soon be turning corn into biofuel for our SUVs instead of putting it in the bellies of starving children around the world.

It's good to be the American.

But folks, we have to tell you that even with all the blessings that have rained down upon us like a golden shower from heaven, there is still one group in this country that has not benefited from our progress, from our promise, from the very truths upon which this great country was founded.

We're talking about Christians.

Texas students would have greater freedom to express their religious views on school campuses under a bill passed by the House and sent to Governor Rick Perry, who has publicly supported the measure. "Since the answer to all our questions is in the Bible, we want students to have access to that resource," said Perry. "Sort of like SparkNotes, except for everything."

Under the legislation, religious beliefs expressed in homework, artwork and other assignments would be judged by traditional academic standards. Students couldn't be penalized or rewarded because of the religious content of their work. "So when students are asked to explain a chemical reaction and their answer is 'And Then A Miracle Occurred' we think they should at least get partial credit," said Representative Larry Phillips.

Perry was surrounded by children and parents who said their religious speech was quashed at public school. "When my son stands up in the middle of an algebra quiz and shouts 'Jesus Save Me" I think he should be taken seriously," said one parent. "I've seen his grades and that boy definitely needs the intervention of the almighty if he's gonna pass."

Representative Scott Hochberg, a Houston Democrat, argued against the bill, warning it would open up campuses to hate speech. "You know nothing gets hate speech going faster than giving Christians carte blanche to say what they want. Ever hear of Jerry Falwell? James Dobson? Pat Robertson?"

Supporters say the bill, sponsored by Representative Charlie Howard, writes into law protections already provided by U.S. Supreme Court rulings. "Yeah, the Supreme Court is the highest court in the land, but we needed something a little closer to home 'cause you can't trust them Yankee courts," Howard told reporters. "Besides, them rights are for everybody, including the heathens. We needed to close that loophole."

"The only good thing about this bill was the nondiscrimination clause," said Representative Lon Burnam.

"Nondiscrimination? How the heck did that get in there?" Howard asked "Somebody get me the governor on the line. Quick."

BREAKING: Devil And Pope Share Taste In Shoes

We've regaled you many times before with tales from our days as denizens of the religioeducorporate enterprise known to non-initiates as "Catholic School." And, as a result we've argued in our entertaining, if somewhat logically challenged way that these traumas...er...experiences gave us a fair degree of credibility to comment on matters theological.

Or we could just be making the whole thing up. (Folks, read the blog's title, OK? We're busy here.)

But back to the pope. Once again we feel it is our duty to help the non-genuflecting, Latinless population (Ita, te adloquor) understand that when the pope says something totally insensitive, vaguely racist and definitely unchristian, well, he's the pope. You want to make something of it? Like a little holy ghost action up in your grill?

Er...what we mean is he's been misunderstood, quoted out of context, or purposely misinterpreted by anti-catholic subversives. Or people who can read, whatever. Anyway, on to the holy father's latest bite out of his red Pradas:

Outraged Indian leaders in Brazil said they were offended by pope Benedict's "arrogant and disrespectful" comments that the roman catholic church had purified them and a revival of their religions would be a backward step. "Oh yeah. This from a guy who runs around wearing the drapes with a basket on his head," said Jecinaldo Satere Mawe, chief coordinator of the Amazon Indian group Coiab. "Hey popey, who's your tailor? Omar the tent maker?"

The pope said the church had not imposed itself on the indigenous peoples of the Americas.
They had welcomed the arrival of European priests at the time of the conquest as they were "silently longing" for Christianity, he said. "Sure they didn't even know Christianity existed until we got here, but that's why the longing was silent."

Millions of tribal Indians are believed to have died as a result of European colonization backed by the church through slaughter, disease or enslavement. "Want to make an omelet, got to break some eggs," said a vatican spokesperson. "They're better off today."

Many Indians today struggle for survival, stripped of their traditional ways of life and excluded from society. "OK, I'm going to have to get back to you on the better off thing," the spokesperson said.

"It's arrogant and disrespectful to consider our cultural heritage secondary to theirs," said Mawe.

"Not when my culture is about to get all righteous on your jungle living, goat eating, tree worshiping behind," countered a spokesperson for the pope's office of catholic hegemony.

Several Indian groups sent a letter to the pope last week asking for his support in defending their ancestral lands and culture. "They have land?" asked an official from the vatican bank. "We may have to rethink this."

"The state used the church to do the dirty work in colonizing the Indians but they already asked forgiveness for that ... so is the pope taking back the church's word?" said Dionito Jose de Souza a leader of the Makuxi tribe in northern Roraima state.

"Hey, these people eat bark for chrissakes," said the pope's press secretary. "What are we supposed to do? Now take the Indians in America. If we could apologize ourselves into some of that casino money, that's some big time mea culpa, know what I'm saying?"

Pope Benedict not only upset many Indians but also catholic priests who have joined their struggle, said Sandro Tuxa, who heads the movement of northeastern tribes. "I work for idiots, what can I say?" Tuxa told reporters. "I feel like Dilbert."

Even the catholic church's own Indian advocacy group in Brazil, known as Cimi, distanced itself from the pope. "The pope doesn't understand the reality of the Indians here," Cimi advisor Father Paulo Suess told reporters. "Of course we're talking about a guy who thinks women are only good for making more catholics; homosexuals are bad unless they're priests; and listening to rock music will make you protestant, so understanding reality probably isn't too high on his list of things to do."

BREAKING: Catholic Church Caves To Pagan Baby Lobby

See, this is why we never listened in Catechism class. Well, that and the fact that our teacher Sister Victorine was deaf and whenever she would ask a question you could say whatever you wanted and she would think you were answering her. Example: SV: "Billy, do you know why we say the mass in Latin? Billy: Because that was the language they were speaking that last time anyone paid attention? SV: Very good Billy. Now, who can name the seven deadly sins? Tommy: Donder, Blitzen, Dasher, Dancer Prancer Cupid, Comet.

The other problem is if you do take the time to learn something, they change it.

The Roman Catholic Church has effectively buried the concept of limbo, the place where centuries of tradition and teaching held that babies who die without baptism went. "It was getting to be too much of a sideline," said a Vatican spokesman. "Used to be we could charge big money for indulgences to get the kids out, but lately we make more on Bingo."

"The conclusion of this study is that there are theological and liturgical reasons to hope that infants who die without baptism may be saved and brought into eternal happiness especially now that they have formed a union," the document said.

Noted Catholic Theologian Bill O'Reilly concurred. "Finally this Kraut Pope gets something done. Now let's go after all that standing and kneeling at mass. It's like high school PE all over again except no one stuffs me in my locker after."

The document stressed that its conclusions should not be interpreted as questioning original sin or used to negate the necessity of baptism or delay the conferral of the sacrament. "We killed limbo and we can bring it back if anyone starts getting all uppity on us, like your religion is better than ours and stuff, " said a Vatican spokesman

The study was made all the more pressing because "the number of nonbaptised infants has grown considerably, and therefore the reflection on the possibility of salvation for these infants has become urgent. It was like they needed FEMA trailers up there," said one Vatican official. "Or down there. We were never really sure where limbo was. Some said Kentucky, but that was never proved."

The Church's International Theological Commission said limbo reflected an "unduly restrictive view of salvation," said an aide to Pope Benedict. "Well, that and people kept getting it mixed up with the dance."