How Do You Say Jihad In Latin?

Regular readers of this blog know that they'll never be rich enough to be taxed by President Obama...er...we mean know that we've written on several occasions about our attendance at the local educorporate training facility overseen by the benevolent malevolencey of the church catholic. A situation from which we escaped upon graduation from Our Lady of the Perpetual Collection Plate High School (Bingo on Saturdays!) and never looked back.

This, however has us reconsidering.

In comments that could have broad implications in a period of intense religious conflict, Pope Benedict XVI cast doubt on the possibility of interfaith dialogue but called for more discussion of the practical consequences of religious differences. "The pope is concerned that it may be a waste of time to talk with people who are going to hell anyway," said a vatican spokesman.

Oh, yeah! Religious tolerance? Popey don't play that.

The pope’s comments came in a letter he wrote to Marcello Pera, an Italian center-right politician and scholar whose forthcoming book, Why We Must Call Ourselves Christian, argues that Europe should stay true to its Christian roots which it developed around 313 AD. "Europe wasn't really Europe before then. Didn't have zip codes or anything." the spokesperson added. "It's all about god. Really. It is. Just look at the title of the pope's letter on religious dialogue: Arabs back to Arabland. Er...It sounds better when you say it in Latin."

In quotations from the letter that appeared in Corriere della Sera, Italy’s leading daily newspaper, the pope said the book “explained with great clarity” that “an interreligious dialogue in the strict sense of the word is not possible.”

"Well, by 'not possible' the pope didn't really mean not possible, just...umm...OK maybe that's what he did mean. Look, he's old and that whole Nazi youth thing still affects him, you know. He's used to there only being one point of view."

Benedict added that “intercultural dialogue which deepens the cultural consequences of basic religious ideas” was important. He called for confronting “in a public forum the cultural consequences of basic religious decisions. by people other than catholics. And if that doesn't work, shoot them. Hey it worked in 1940."

The Vatican spokesman, the Rev. Federico Lombardi, said the pope’s comments seemed intended to draw interest to Mr. Pera’s book, not to cast doubt on the Vatican’s many continuing interreligious dialogues. “He has a papacy known for interacting with the wrong religions; he peed on the carpet at a mosque, he’s tagged walls at synagogues,” Father Lombardi said. “This means that he thinks we can meet and talk to the others and have a positive relationship in which they admit they're wrong and transfer their assets to the one and only true church (Bingo on Saturdays!).”

This month, the Vatican held a conference with Muslim religious leaders and scholars aimed at "Getting their minds right with god." The conference participants agreed to condemn terrorism except when necessary to "help individuals and societies along the path to righteousness," and protect religious freedom, but they did not address issues of conversion and of the rights of Christians in majority Muslim countries to worship. Which, of course meant that religious freedom wasn't protected, but it sounded better in Latin.

After the conference the vatican issued a statement calling on all catholics to have more children and to make sure an attend the special Double Payback Bingo this Saturday.

Friday Hound Blogging

Oh man, Barack Obama isn't even president yet and already his minions are gearing up to take your guns away, turn the country over to the terrorists and make your daughter marry a gay man. OK so we haven't thought that last one all the way trough yet, but one thing is for certain, high up on the list of targets are the overlords.

According to Carey Theil, executive director of the Committee to Protect Dogs, the Massachusetts based anti-dog-racing group will sit down soon to determine its agenda in New Hampshire's coming legislative session."We'll be getting together in the next couple of weeks with our board and our two New Hampshire board members to see what they want to do in New Hampshire," Theil said. "BWAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I'm coming for you Carney," she added.

Paul LeFlamme, a former Nashua state legislator, and Mike Trombly, a former deputy director of the New Hampshire Para-Mutuel Commission are the two Granite State residents on the board who would be integral in making the decision to take or not take action in state, Theil said.

"Must...obey...master," Trombly added. "End racing...Must end racing," said LeFlamme.

Uh oh. Looks like trouble for Mr. Carney huh Speedy?

Speedy is sweet and a little bit of a leaner. She comes up and puts her face in your lap for affection. She likes to be petted and will come and ask to be petted, she’s a very assertive. She’s got a helicopter tail. She will roo when she hears her foster mom come home; she’s very vocal in comical way. She’s a very pleasant dog. Speedy would do well with a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She would be fine as an only dog or with other average to larger size dogs. She needs a home with a fenced yard. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

For In The Way You Judge, You Will Be Judged*

Excuse us, could you explain again how religion makes us all better people:




Here's what the head shill at the "Spirit Center" had to say:

"The main point of the marque is to cause the christians to understand he is not a christian. Again, they would call me and they would tell me he is not a Muslim because he is a christian. That's not the point, the point is he's not a christian."

Umm...what?

(h/t)

*Matthew 7:2
**Luke 6:36

Looks Like Luca Brasi May Be Taking A Trip To Texas

Whilst slooshing through the Ted Stevens Memorial Inter Toobz recently, we experienced one of those trans dimensional moments that are usually only induced by copious amounts of adult beverages. However, this being a school night we had eschewed our nominal intake of conscious altering substances, and instead were quite contentedly sipping a fine chamomile mint when it became glaringly obvious to us that we had fallen down the rabbit hole, and not the one we fell into eight years ago either.

A Willacy County grand jury under District Attorney Juan Angel Guerra returned multi-count indictments Monday against Vice President Dick Cheney, former U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, plus several other public officials.

Oh, do go on.

The indictment accuses Cheney and Gonzales of engaging in organized criminal activity.

You don't say.

Gonzales is accused of using his position while in office to stop an investigation into abuses at the federal detention centers.

We are shocked, we tell you, shocked.

It criticizes Cheney's investment in the Vanguard Group, which holds interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. It accuses Cheney of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees by working through the prison companies.

Well, now we know the charge is bogus. Cheney committing a "misdemeanor" assault. Yeah, like you'd walk away from what he did to you, right Whittington?

They all face a stream of criminal charges including abuse of office, profiting from office, and murder.

Did you say Muuuuurrrrrduuuurrrr??? Where is Joe Biden anyway?

It's Advanced Econometrical Stratigericals. You Wouldn't Understand

We're coming to you from the Move Along, Nothing To See Here Department in the marbled halls of IM Central today. MANtSH is a subsidiary of the The Adults Are In Charge Corporation in partnership with We Went To College for This, Inc.

Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke waged a stout defense on Capitol Hill of their management of a $700 billion financial bailout just one week after the administration abandoned the original strategy behind the rescue. "We think the plan that we don't have anymore is the best approach to this problem," secretary Paulson said.

"And that's why we're going to come up with another one," Bernanke added. "But first, watch this drive."

Focusing the program on pouring billions more into bank rat holes — and possibly anybody else with ties to Bush's Rangers — to pump up their holiday bonuses was deemed a faster and more effective approach to wasting the blank check Congress cluelessly gave them in the first place than buying rotten assets from bankrupt financial institutions, the completely idiotic centerpiece of the original plan, Paulson said.

Buying those worthless debts would have required "massive stupidity even we aren't capable of," Paulson said in testimony before the House Financial Services Committee, most of whom were sober. As economic and financial conditions quickly worsened, it became clear that the first installment of the money — $350 billion — "would have left nothing over for CEO compensation packages," he said.

"If we have learned anything throughout this year, we have learned that this financial crisis is unpredictable and difficult to counteract," Paulson said. "Also that we're complete idiots who shouldn't be trusted with your daughter's piggy bank."

In other news, A homeless man has been sentenced to nearly four years in prison and ordered to pay more than $101 million for starting two fires, including one that burned more than 163,000 acres in California two years ago. Secretary Paulson said a special request would be made to Congress to provide bailout money for him.

Republicans Begin Rebuilding: Deny Ever Knowing Anyone In Bush Family

Well it seems the overlords aren't the only ones left scratching their heads and wondering where they went wrong after the last election. OK, maybe scratching their heads and wondering if they have what it takes to make it at Walmart greeter school is more like it. Especially now that it looks like the competition is going to be a little tougher.

GOP officials and strategists at party conferences last week offered sharply contrasting assessments of what went wrong, and of how difficult it will be to rebuild. "We're pretty sure god still likes us," said one attendee who asked not to be identified. "Although apparently he doesn't care about his reputation as much as we thought he did."

Older party hands pointed to John McCain’s totally whackazoid campaign and having George Bush in the party. “I have looked down at the grave of the Republican Party and this ain’t it,” assured Mississippi Governor and 90s-era RNC chairman Haley Barbour, “It's over there next to that ditsy chick from Alaska."

The up-and-comers, meanwhile, sounded the alarm of impending permanent minority status unless the party changes. "When your entire constituency consists of bubbas, bigots and bible thumpers, your future is not rosy," said Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty.

Barbour argued there was a way to defeat Obama—by rendering him unacceptable to American voters. “And the McCain campaign did not choose to try to make that argument,” he observed. "Well except when they tried to convince people he was a Muslim, socialist, communist, black power terrorist who hated America."

RNC Chairman Mike Duncan, expressed optimism about the GOP’s prospects for the 2010 mid-term elections, suggesting the GOP losses this year were a result of voters actually paying attention to issues rather than personalities. "Give people some nude pictures of Sarah Palin," he said. "Then people will forget what a bunch of douche bags we are."

“If you look at the American electorate, and where they stand and what they believe—we’re in good shape," he added. "I'd like my medication now please.”

“We cannot be a majority governing party when we essentially cannot compete in the northeast; we are losing our ability to compete in the Great Lakes states, we cannot compete on the west coast,” Pawlenty argued, also citing similar problems in the mid-Atlantic and interior west. “Similarly, we cannot compete and prevail as a majority governing party when we have a significant deficit as we do with woman, where we have a large deficit with Hispanics, where we have a large deficit with African-American voters, where we have a large deficit with people of modest incomes. Our whole party is composed of people too stupid to know they're voting against their own self interests, or too rich to care.”

"What's your point?" Barbour asked.

Pawlenty put it more plainly: “The Republican Party is going to need more than just a comb-over.”

He doesn’t advocate for actually accepting reality—few prominent voices in the party are—but rather for aggressively offering irrational solutions on issues such as health care, energy and education that have been viewed as Democratic turf. "We've got to convince poor people that it's OK for them to die at an earlier age, that they really don't need heat in the winter, or to learn how to read. Rich people will take care of them if we just let them get rich enough."

Utah Governor Jon Huntsman, 48, made a similar case. Like Pawlenty, Huntsman said Republicans had to come to terms with a country increasingly different from the one that, until this year, had favored rich white people.

"We’re fundamentally staring down a demographic shift that we’ve never seen before in America,” he observed. "And therefore I suggest that in the next election cycle our campaign slogan be 'Blacks and Asians and Hispanics, Oh My!!'"

Other younger Republicans, though, share the position that the GOP's problems the result of living in a dream world. At a “lessons-learned” conference in South Carolina over the weekend comprised of GOP state chairman and other prominent party activists, there was widespread sentiment that Republicansare about as useful as a screen door on a submarine. “I think one of the biggest things we’re facing is the fact that we've pretty much trashed the country,” observed Pete Ricketts, the 44-year-old former COO of Ameritrade who lost to Nebraska Senator Ben Nelson in 2006. “The American people don’t trust us because we spent the last eight years lying to them.”

"But that's a central plank in the party platform," Duncan said.

Robin Smith chairs the Republican Party in Tennessee, one of the few states where the party made gains this year, capturing the state House and state Senate for the first time since Reconstruction with a conservative message that plays well in the South. "But most of the folks down there can't read," she added. "They just voted for the pretty pictures we put on the ballot."

“I think the Republican Party now is at a point in its life where we’re going to have to have regional messages,” Smith said. "In other words, we'll tell you whatever you want to hear and hope you don't know anyone out of your state. I call it the Mitt Romney Strategy."

The party should not compromise its core “DNA” of small government and lower taxes, Smith added, but ought to allow for some deviation where politically necessary. "And by that I mean totally abandoning our principles if it will help us hang on to power. Just like the last eight years."

“Republicans got destroyed in 1964, they had three election cycles to catch up,"GOP pollster Frank Luntz said. "We got destroyed in 1974, we have three election cycles to catch up. They’ve been destroyed in 2006 and 2008—maybe we should take the hint.”

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, another bad week for the overlords. First the people of Massachusetts are all like, hey, we have to work for a living, you should too. Then the overlords in New Hampshire look on Google maps and see that they aren't so far away from the Bay State.

The organization against dog racing that is responsible for the ballot initiative that will ban greyhound racing in Massachusetts by 2010 is still debating what its next move will be in New Hampshire. "Hey, no need to worry about us," said a representative of Seabrook Greyhound Park, on of the two operating greyhound race tracks in the state. "We really care for our units...er...dogs. Nobody gets hurt around here. Well, maybe the occasional tiny boo boo, (pdf) but that's just because we pet them so hard."

Seabrook officials have historically been against the ban of dog racing in the state. Such a ban would result in a loss of about $165,000 in annual racing fees the race track pays into the town's scholarship funds, as well as lessen the $141,000 in property taxes the park pays annually. "Where else is the state going to get that kind of money?" asked a racing industry spokesperson. "Oh sure you could put a Walmart on the land, or develop it as stores and houses, or just turn it into a park or some sort of tourist destination and really clean up, but where's the profit in that. What about the people who work here who could probably get better jobs if this land were actually used in a positive way, huh? What about them. What was the question again?"

Uh...we think we have our answer. But to get on with our story, fate wasn't done peeing in the overlords' shoes.

The greyhound racing industry is in severe decline as the public become aware of the cruelty and death that is an inherent part of it but which has been kept well hidden for decades.

OK, now if you're an overlord and you read that opening sentence, you know this isn't going to be one of those, whadyacallit, flattering profiles? And you know what? You'd be right.

Please don't believe any of their claims; the dogs are still suffering and dying just as they always have. How could it be otherwise? What are they going to do with the thousands of greyhounds that reach the end of their racing career every year? They will tell you that all the dogs go to good homes and live happily ever after but where are all these homes coming from? Anyone who has ever tried to get any animal into a sanctuary will know that they are always full with long waiting lists.

Now that's unfair. The overlords don't use sanctuaries. Too much paper work. Too many questions. They just dump the dogs on whomever they can find that suffers from a terminal case of compassion.

The industry will also try to refute our claims that greyhounds are suffering on a massive scale by telling you that they look after their dogs well because it's in their interest to do so; they want their dog to be fit and healthy so that it will be able to win races. Well at least they are admitting here that their concern is of a commercial nature.

Aw, come on. How many times have we written about the overlords' deep and abiding care for their units before, during and after their racing careers? Oh yeah. Never.

We have not yet even mentioned the worst, most disgusting part of this whole issue. The vast over breeding of greyhound puppies mainly in Ireland to supply the relatively small number of dogs required by the racing industry each year. It is estimated that 30000 to 40000 puppies are produced every single year to replace the 4000 or so that leave the tracks and go to an unknown fate. What happens to the surplus?

Umm...if they can't make it in sports, they move on to entertainment? No? Real estate? Oh, we know. Let's ask Informer.

Informer “purrs” when he is happy. He’s an absolute gentle dog. He likes to walk with you. Sometimes he bumps into doors. He comes up to you and looks into your eyes. He is very clever and allows his foster dad to use the dremel tool on his nails. He is used to traveling in the car. He likes to “collect” items. He’s like a big puppy. He just stands in front of you and talks to you. He acts like a three-legged dog because he holds up his right rear foot, where he had a corn removed. Informer would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He gets along with the cats and other greys in his foster home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Shouldn't You Be Home Packing?

Hey, guess what we just found out. George Bush is still president! Really. Is he like, refusing to move or something? Chained to the bed in the Lincoln bedroom? He does know Obama is the new president and not a butler doesn't he?

On the bright side though, it does make writing this blog easier to do and does not require sobriety to do it. Let's listen in to his latest speecification.

U.S. President George W. Bush offered a vigorous defense of the free market system. "Well, except for that whole wrecking the American economy and maybe driving a global recession thing," he added. "But hey, omelet, eggs, know what I'm saying?"

Bush goes to Wall Street to outline his agenda for that summit which will kick off reforming the global financial regulatory system. "While reforms in the financial sector are essential, the long-term solution to today's problems is my retirement," Bush said. "And the surest path to that is someone giving me cab fare to the airport."

Several people were hurt in the rush to the stage before the president could make clear he was just kidding.

"Government intervention is not a cure-all," Bush said after paramedics treated the injured. "I intervened after Katrina. I intervened in Iraq. Do I have to say more?"

The speech is Bush's attempt to pretend he understands the reason for the high-level gathering he's hosting in Washington this weekend. To give himself something to do after the movers take down his train set, Bush is convening representatives of some of the world's biggest industrial democracies, emerging nations and international bodies in Washington. "That new fella Baroque says we have to bring in the brainiacs," the president said. "And I figure I'm outta here in a few weeks so what the heck."

He will host the leaders at a White House dinner Friday and review causes and solutions for the financial mess Saturday. "It will be a pretty short meeting," said one White House aide on condition of anonymity. "Cause: Bush administration. Solution: January 20, 2009."

His main message to the leaders: Reforming financial markets alone won't help if they abandon the free market and restrict trade. "The crisis was not a failure of the free market system," Bush was to say. "And the answer is not to try to reinvent that system. I mean, come on. The system worked before I got here. Wait, that didn't come out right."

We Got Your Dominus Vobiscum Right Here

We're sorry to have to be the ones to tell you this. We know how excited and hopeful you were when Obama got elected. Return to normalcy; governed by people with brains; "Science" no longer a four letter word; stuff like that, but the truth is, his presidency will fail. How do we know? He's ticked off the bishops and the only thing worse than that is ticking off the nuns. We still get hate mail from Sister Victorine, our sixth grade teacher, but that's another story.

The nation's Roman Catholic bishops vowed to forcefully confront the Obama administration over its support for abortion rights, saying the church and religious freedom could be under attack in the new presidential administration. "You can forget about your jobs, and your houses, and your 401(k)s," Archbishop Joseph Naumann of the Diocese of Kansas City in Kansas said. "This Obama guy thinks women have a right to their own bodies. Well, their bodies, OK but the church owns your uterus, that's right in the bible."

In an impassioned discussion on Catholics in public life, several bishops said they would accept no compromise on abortion policy. Many condemned Catholics who had argued it was morally acceptable to back President-elect Obama because he pledged to reduce abortion rates. "Catholics who vote their pocketbooks are just not really catholics," Bishop Joseph Martino of Scranton, Pennsylvania. "Besides, I'm pretty sure we own your pocketbooks too."

Several prelates promised to call out Catholic policy makers on their failures to follow church teaching. "I cannot have a vice president-elect coming to Scranton to say he's learned his values there when those values are utterly against the teachings of the Catholic Church," Martino said. "Because you know it's always about me. Really. I'm a bishop."

The Obama-Biden press office did not immediately respond to a request for comment. "We just finished a whole campaign dealing with wingnuts and cement heads," said the person answering the phone who refused to be identified. "We're taking some time off."

Archbishop Naumann said politicians "can't check your principles at the door of the legislature. If anything the last eight years have proven that. Oh wait. Bad example."

Naumann has said repeatedly that Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, a Catholic Democrat who supports abortion rights, should stop taking Holy Communion until she changes her stance. "They cannot call themselves Catholic when they violate such a core belief as doing what I say," Naumann said. "Plus she's a woman. Where do they get these ideas? The nuns don't treat me this way."

Chicago Cardinal Francis George, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, is preparing a statement during the bishops' fall meeting that will press Obama on abortion. The bishops suggested that the final document include the message that "aggressively pro-abortion policies" would be viewed "as an attack on the church."

"Those little zygotes are going to grow up to be tithers some day," Naumann said. "Don't mess with our P/L sheet."

Along with their theological opposition to the procedure, church leaders say they worry that any expansion in abortion rights could require Catholic hospitals to perform abortions or lose federal funding. Auxiliary Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Chicago said the hospitals would close rather than comply. "Got cancer? Too bad. Trying to earn a living by working at the hospital? Who cares? We're all about the blastocysts," Paprocki added.

According to exit polls, 54 percent of Catholics chose Obama, who is Protestant. The new bishops' statement is meant to drive home the point in a way that cannot be misconstrued. "We have a very important thing to say. I think we should say it clearly and with a punch," said New York Cardinal Edward Egan. "And that is, LISTEN TO US. WE ARE NOT IRRELEVANT!!!"

But some bishops said church leaders should take care with the tone of the statement. "We must act and be perceived as acting as caring pastors and faithful teachers," said Bishop Blase Cupich of Rapid City, S.D.

"Oh pulllease," Naumann said. "I bet he's one of those 'guitar mass' priests. Man up Blase. Preach like you got a pair."

Dr. Patrick Whelan, a pediatrician and president of Catholic Democrats, said angry statements from church leaders were counterproductive and would only alienate Catholics. "We're calling on the bishops to move away from the more vicious language," Whelan said. He said the church needs to act "in a more creative, constructive way," to maintain current levels of contributions.

"Hey Whelan. One prayer from me and you're spending eternity in a fiery lake. What do you think of that?" Martino asked.

Chris Korzen, Catholics United executive director, said, "we honestly want to move past the deadlock" on abortion. He said church leaders were making that task harder.

"No church for you!" Cardinal Egan shouted. "Come back one year!"

This Is Important

Hey, today is Veteran's Day. The Real Veteran's Day. Forget the mall and the crapmeisters who want you to think you support the veterans by getting ten percent off a piece of crap you don't really need. Go read this. Read it all, including the links. Then go find a veteran, thank them, and promise them you'll stay on your elected representatives until the disgrace that passed for supporting the troops during the Bush administration is only a bad memory.

Then keep that promise.

Update: Most of the time we think our commentors are crazier than we are, (Hey, they read this blog don't they? Case closed) or maybe they just drink a cheaper vodka. Anyway, every once in a while a comment comes through that restores our faith. We're pulling one of those comments up now to share with you:

Twenty-five years ago, I remember a Vet from Vietnam who came to our door "selling magazines." He also walked with a very bad limp.
We had just moved there. We were waiting for our new checks and I had just spent all the cash I had on hand on gas and groceries. I said : "Please come back."
Well, the next morning, he came back, and once again, I was horrified I had zero to subscribe immediately.(I thought he'd come back later in the P.M. or week!)
I then asked him to come back when my husband would be there in 24 hours (Sat.) and the checks or cash, would be there and we would certainly subscribe to at least two magazines. (where were all the other neighbors?)
Sure enough, that man returned, limping up the driveway, with all his magazine subscriptions. My husband met him halfway down the drive and asked him in for a drink and talk.
He told us a few unbelievable tales and of course, he was emotionally damaged. We ended up subscribing to three and boy, did we feel impotent.
I told my Uncle who had lost his am in WW11 about this fellow and he shook his head. (he was a lawyer) His arm had been blown off by a grenade when he grabbed it off the ground to throw back at "the enemy". He then wrote my son, age 10 at the time, (now also a lawyer) that war was something to avoid at all costs, particularly if you can work out your problems with thought and economics and heart.
So, when I saw Obama ,who obviously feels that intelligence can sometimes over-ride "the bomb", I had to think of this Vet and my Uncle. Too many harmed and at what cost and by the way, does it make a difference?
There can be no more "Ugly Americans" or "Americans" , period, who cannot look into the eyes of those who suffered for them, let alone, who refuse or ignore their pleads for help.
Should wars be absolutely the final case, let us make certain we not only provide the best protective weapons and uniforms and intelligence, but we also take very good care of the returning Vets, be it a brain injury, amputation or PTS.

Friday Hound Blogging

So, you think McCain and Palin are depressed today? Ha. Try being George Carney.

No more greyhound racing in Massachusetts. Voters Tuesday approved a ban on greyhound racing in the state -- eight years after a similar ballot question was defeated. The state's two greyhound tracks will now have to end dog racing by January 1 of 2010.The ban was approved with about 56 percent of the vote, to 44 percent opposed. "OK all you do gooders," Carney said. "You gonna pay my bills now? What am I supposed to do? I got no skills."

Turns out Mr. Carney isn't the only one concerned.

“I am very disappointed at how this turned out. It disturbs me,” said Fire Chief James T. Januse. “That dog track put a lot of kids through school and college. And a lot of them went to college and still went back to work there.

When asked why someone with a college education would work at a dog track Januse said," I didn't say they graduated. I just said they went there for a week or two."

The chief said he expects budget cuts when the ban goes into effect. “The town will lose about $400,000 in revenue, which is huge in a town this size,” he said. "And you know, once the track closes there isn't going to be another development there or anything. No other businesses will take advantage of the location or the market around here because once it's a dog track it can't be anything else. Just ask the people in Delvan."

“People in Raynham are going to find their taxes increased. They are losing a source of revenue, and it will never come back, just like in Kaukauna." Ronnie Zusman 20-year Raynham resident said.

Well, if worse comes to worst you can always move to Tucson. Oops. Guess not.

South Tucson voters approved an initiative Tuesday night to regulate the care and handling of dogs. South Tucson voters backed the Tucson Dog Protection Initiative 402 to 373. The initiative applies to all dogs, but targets those at Tucson Greyhound Park. "How are we supposed to make a living if we have to spend money on the dogs," said one track representative who asked not to be identified.

Hmmm...seems your elections were about hope too, huh Remy?

Remy is affectionate and loving. He follows you around and puts his head on your lap. Remy needs a family that has someone that is at home most of the day and he would do best with another dog in the home. He would do well with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He can be vocal when left alone, so would do best in a single family home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wait 'Till Recess 'Cause You're Goin' Down

OK, so yesterday we felt the need to reach out to those of our fellow Americans who, for some reason or another have become convinced that the world inside their heads is the one we all see. Here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we truly believe that there isn't enough Thorazine in the country to ease these people out of the delusional pit they've dug for themselves these last eight years and we felt it was our duty to at least attempt to keep them from hurting themselves.

Turns out our entreaties fell on deaf ears because they were all busy kicking each other in the shins.

The new issue of Newsweek will hit the stands Thursday with an epic 50,000-word insider history of the campaign. The piece was written by a “special team that gets exclusive access on the agreement to publish only after the election.” Among the highlights: it seems there was much more to the McCain-Palin soap opera than was publicly revealed. For example, remember that $150,000 spending spree that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin supposedly had nothing to do with? Well, according to Newsweek, it was indeed of Palin’s doing, and it was far more costly than initially reported.

Did you hear what Tiffany said about Amber in the lunch room yesterday? Megan told me she heard it from Kacey.

Palin asked to speak along with McCain at his Arizona concession speech Tuesday night, but campaign strategist Steve Schmidt vetoed the request.

Oh, snap! Sarah was all like "I get to talk too" and Steve was all like "Step off biotch." Totally. It was awesome.

One day after conceding the presidential election to Senator Barack Obama, John McCain and Sarah Palin have gone their separate ways. Palin left the Arizona Biltmore hotel Wednesday afternoon in a motorcade stretching more than a dozen vehicles, flanked by a dozen more cops on motorcycles. She was joined by some 18 family members and friends who had made the trip from Alaska to Phoenix to watch Election Night returns. John McCain drove himself in his own gold Toyota Sequoia SUV.

Oh no she dinnit!

The separate departures seemed a striking metaphor for the two who together sought the White House: one the party elder, not expected to run for president again, back on his own after the pomp and circumstance died down; the other a rising star in the Republican party, whose political celebrity is now nearly as big as the president-elect’s.

We're sorry, what?

Palin said she plans to stay on the national scene by pushing the new Obama administration on energy policy – the issue she focused the most confusion and inanities on during her two months on the national campaign trail. "It's freakin' cold up here, you betcha," the governor told reporters. "We need energy. Plus that's why I had to have all those clothes 'cause you know Obama's going to be sending all our gas to his homies so they can drive all their big cars down to the welfare center."

While she had often served as the attack dog on the campaign trail, Palin expressed pride in the election of Obama as the first African-American president. "It goes to show ya how far this country's come when a fat old rich white guy can screw up his campaign so bad that he gets beat by a brother," she said.

"Plus, it’s been an honor and I feel like it’s just been such a blessing to have the opportunity to represent women who mostly ignored me and voted for Obama," she added.

Palin declined to engage in any criticism of her campaign, saying the experience had been "entirely positive and refreshing and energizing. Especially those rallies where I got people to threaten to kill President Obama. Now that's my kind of democracy."

"Just absolutely no time for the pettiness. And that’s kinda just the way I’m wired. I don’t have time for that," Palin said when asked about post-election finger-pointing."Besides, I'm writin' a book. Well, soon as I get me one of those word processor thingy's. And someone who can write."

"And God bless Barack Obama and his beautiful family and the new administration coming in. It is time that we all pulled together and worked together and America’s going to reach her destiny. And by destiny, how does Palin/Wurzelbacher 2012 sound?"

Like fingernails on a blackboard.

Magnanimity

Our old daddy taught us that it's just as important to be a good winner as a good loser, so we would like to say to those of you who voted for John McCain and Sarah Palin because you were afraid of the terrorists, afraid of taxes and community organizers, afraid of illegal immigrants in your back yard, socialists dating your daughter, gay people pouncing on you unawares, and just generally afraid of anyone with a different hue, don't worry.

We will protect you.

You may return to your gated communities, your megachurches and your exclusive clubs where you can watch your Fox News on the tee vee and listen to your Rush Limbaugh on the radio. You can go back to speaking to each other in tongues, shooting your guns, complaining about Hollywood, looking for communists at the local PTA, blaming the Jews, visiting creation museums, trying to ban books and just generally being resentful of whatever, or whomever you choose.

We'll take it from here.

Things To Do today

Holy street surfing Jebus on an Alien Workshop Spectrum Silver!!! eleventy!!1! We have never seen that many people lined up at our local polling place. And most of them were sober too!!

We should point out that IM Central is located in a rather rural portion of our state and it isn't unusual for us to show up to vote only to be greeted by Lester the local drunk who lives in back of the hall and Newlie, Tigger and Scat the three cats owned by the township clerk.

But today the line was out the door, across the parking lot and down to the street. Lester thought there was some sort of party going on and he was working the line for cash to make a liquor store run. We were tempted but demurred, having stashed election night levels of Stoli in the freezer before leaving home.

So, we have dome our patriotic duty today, and as the boss is not in the office plan to do nothing else. We invite you to do the same, starting with that voting thing. Need some motivation:



Update: Obama wins Dixville Notch NH 15 to 6. Roll on sweet chocolate thunder, roll on.

In Which Ironicus Phones It In

Silly us. Just a few short days ago we were thinking of folding this blog up and leaving the adults to watch over the tattered landscape post Bush. There is a good chance people who actually can tell the difference between their elbow and a hole in the ground will be in charge of overseeing America's final descent into irrelevancy.

Not that we're cynical or anything, we just figure when Bush leaves the White House and the new residents come in, they're going to want to put down new carpet, and when they pull up the old and see all the stuff George shoved under there in the last eight years it's going to make Sean Hannity think about joining the democratic party.

Seriously. It will be that bad. Really.

Want a preview? Check it:

Goldman Sachs is on course to pay its top City bankers multimillion-dollar bonuses - despite asking the U.S. government for an emergency bail-out. As Washington pours money into the bank, the cash will immediately be channelled to Goldman's already well-heeled employees.

Yeah, you read that right. The money that was so desperately needed to keep banks like Goldman Sachs alive because they were "too big to fail" is really to keep the people who got us into this mess firmly ensconced in the Hamptons.

If you need us, we'll be looking at the real estate section of the Belize Times.

Friday Hound Blogging

Someone once told us that politics makes strange bedfellows. We thought they were talking about senator Larry Craig, but then we remembered that was a bathroom, not a bedroom, so we were confused. Yesterday though, we ran across this article about some of the strange bedfellows the overlords have attracted and we thought about another slogan, this one from the cold war called Mutually Assured Destruction, or MAD. In Massachusetts though it must mean Mutually Attractive Dumbness.

Nancy Fisk is a dog lover, but don’t dare call her an animal rights advocate.

OK. Does that mean she loves dogs...for dinner?

The longtime breeder and dog show exhibitor would like to see greyhound racing continue — partly because she feels the dogs love it, partly because she fears its death could mean that dog shows and other competitions would get axed next. “Our concern is this is an incremental step toward stopping what we do,” said Fisk.

Oh. Well, we're certain the dogs will be most happy continuing to get injured, killed and sold to medical research by the thousands so you aren't inconvenienced.

Fisk, an Akita Inu breeder whose kennel club meets in Raynham, said she supports animal welfare but not animal rights. “Animals are not people with fur suits,” she said.

Oh, yeah? You haven't met our friend Ned.

“I think somebody who has a fundamental problem with racing is going to have the same fundamental issues with other sports,” said Holly Stump, a Massachusetts Federation of Dog Clubs and Responsible Dog Owners board member from Ipswich. "I mean, sure we don't kill the dogs like the racing people do, we just breed all sorts of life threatening conditions (pdf) into them so they can have pretty coats."

Well, at least no one cared what you looked like as long as you ran fast, huh Ellie?

Ellie is quiet, friendly, gives kisses, snuggles, & lays down by you. She will let you spoon her and will move to be with you. She is a very sweet & quiet girl. Ellie would be great in a home where she is not alone more than 6 or 7 hours. She is good with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and is fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Scruples? Sorry We Don't Carry Those

Well, well, well, look at this. The boys of Mordor are back in the news. Seems they're having themselves a bit of an ethical dee lemma which is sort of like Genghis Khan wondering if he needs anger management classes.

The very first day that Chalace Epley Lowry started working at Wal-Mart Stores as an administrative assistant in the communications department she went through a day-long orientation with a heavy emphasis on ethics. "We were told that even if we see something that has the appearance of something unethical we should report it," says Lowry. Now, two weeks after filing a complaint against a more senior executive, the 50-year-old mother of two finds herself looking for another job.

"When we say 'report'"said one Wal-Mart spokesperson. "We mean ignore. She apparently didn't pick up on all the winking the trainer was doing."

"I thought he had something in his eye," Lowry said.

I acted in good faith, just pointing out that there might have been some wrongdoing," Lowry said.

"See, there's the problem ," responded the Wal-Mart spokesperson. "We don't need people looking for trouble. We need people looking the other way when trouble appears."

"The Ethics Office determined the same day the complaint was filed that the document that created Ms. Lowery's (sic) concerns had nothing to do with stock trading and that there was no violation of Wal-Mart's ethics policy," said David Tovar. "Which was actually a foregone conclusion because we don't, you know, really have an ethics policy."

Soon after Lowry filed the complaint, her identity was disclosed to Mona Williams, the vice-president for corporate communications who was the target of Lowry's complaint. Lowry said it was impossible to remain in the department since Williams was stalking her, so she asked to be transferred. Wal-Mart has said that Lowry now has 60 to 90 days to look for a job within the company, but she may not get one. If she can't find another Wal-Mart job in 90 days, human resources officials have told her that they would have to discuss "next steps."

"And by 'next steps' we mean booting her little tattle tail behind out in the street," Tovar said. "That's what we mean by ethics. Know what I'm talking about?"

For Wal-Mart's own communications department to be dealing with an issue like this is particularly poignant. Williams and the department have been the key people trying to protect Wal-Mart's reputation over several difficult years.

Yes. Well, if by "poignant" you mean the ironicus is approaching its maximus.

The company has come under scathing attacks for its workplace practices from union-backed groups, as well as from several politicians including Presidential hopeful Senator Barack Obama. Wal-Mart has also taken heat from shareholders as its stock price has stagnated.

OK, so increasing shareholder return on their investment is an ethical issue. We think we see your problem.

Most recently, the issue of ethics at Wal-Mart has been in the spotlight because of the firing of a high-profile marketing executive, Julie Roehm. Wal-Mart says that the company dismissed Roehm because she violated the company's code of ethics by accepting gifts from vendors and because she had an affair with a subordinate. "You don't sleep down at Wal-Mart," Tovar told reporters. "You sleep up. What was she thinking? We promoted the subordinate."

All of this has also led to something of a consumer backlash: Some people won't shop at Wal-Mart because they don't want to support a company that they perceive as unfair to workers or bad for the economy. As early as 2004, a confidential report prepared by consulting firm McKinsey & Co. found that 2% to 8% of the company's customers have stopped shopping there "because of negative press they have heard." Another document, prepared in October, 2006, by Wal-Mart's former advertising agency GSD&M Advertising, found that the segment of Americans who say the chain is their No. 1 destination for discount shopping fell from 75% two years ago to 67%. The ad agency suggests that besides competition, Wal-Mart's image could account for this drop-off. The report also says that Wal-Mart's rating as a company that consumers trust and respect has "steadily declined" in the last two years.

"Hey. You want your toothpaste seven cents cheaper than the competition or not," Tovar said. "We got a business to run here, not a church."

Wal-Mart prides itself on ignoring one of the strictest and most stringent ethics policies in the industry. Buyers are not allowed to accept even a cup of coffee from their suppliers. And its 1.3 million employees are encouraged to report any ethics violations that they might suspect or see.

"Funny story there," said Tovar. "See, we hired this lady who was stupid enough to believe that. Stop me if you've heard this one..."

"In spite of the fact that Ms. Lowery was not treated any differently after making her report except for moving her desk to a broom closet and "Squealer" written on the door, and was in fact praised for bringing her concerns to her supervisor's attention by being singled out at a meeting as "That one," Ms. Lowery (sic) indicated that she was uncomfortable continuing in her current position and asked to be transferred," said Tovar in his statement.

Lowry says that a human resources officer she met soon after her identity was disclosed brought up issues related to team dynamics and alleged that she didn't get along with co-workers. "The officer said all my co-workers had complained about me after the boss told them to," Lowry explained to reporters.

"My experience was not what I perceived the ethics line or open-door policy to be, and I would think twice before going that route again," she says.

"Well, she learned something after all then," Tovar said.

It Is Not What It Is, Except It Is

While slooshing through the intertoobz this afternoon, looking for the plug they put in when senator Stevens washed out, we ran across this headline:

Palin calls for break from Bush energy policy

Our first thought was, Bush has an energy policy?

Then we remembered, he was an oil man, well until he bailed anyway. Hmm...get into a company, run it into the ground, then get out before the rafters fall down around your ears. Sort of like what he's done to this country, no?

But we digress.

Sarah Palin called for a "clean break" from the Bush administration's energy policies, which she says rely too much on importing foreign oil.

OK, here's our question, could you import domestic oil?

She cast energy independence as a national security issue, saying dependence on oil from the Middle East made the U.S. more vulnerable to terrorist threats.

Now, we're not quite sure how that works. Perhaps at some point the terrorists call us up and say "Nice little SUV you've got there infidel. Be a shame if you had to run it on ethanol." Or something.

"We not only provide wealth to the sponsors of terror, we provide high-value targets to the terrorists themselves," Palin said. "Across the world are pipelines, refineries, transit routes and terminals for the oil we rely on. And al-Qaida terrorists know where they are."

Rats. That means the CIA's plan to disguise refineries as theme parks isn't working.

Palin spoke after touring Xunlight Corp., one of a handful of solar technology startup companies in Toledo, but made only a passing reference to solar power in her speech and instead renewed her call for more drilling in U.S. coastal waters. She repeated her signature anthem, "drill, baby, drill."

Drill, baby, drill...where have we heard that before? Oh yeah.

The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge in Alaska was not the only place where the Bush administration was hoping to find more oil. It is also encouraging drilling at more than 50 new sites in the lower 48 states, particularly in the Rocky Mountains.

So, let's get this straight. We're breaking with the Bush energy policy by accepting it? Now that's mavericky!

Hello Goodbye. I Don't Know Why You Say Hello I Say Goodbye

Well, it looks good for Obama next Tuesday, and for a return to sanity in the House and Senate. OK maybe not sanity as we know it, but certainly we won't be treated to the TV Doc, Man on dog and Blastocyst Sam.

Might be time to start packing up this blog since the last thing we need is serious deliberation, consensus and compromise. It's been fun, except when it hasn't, but every ride comes to an end. It's a bittersweet time, we guess. One the one hand the nation appears to be on the brink of being turned back over to the adults, but on the other, standing on the bow of this great ship of state taking the full on gale of crazy that has been the last eight years has had its moments and will be missed.

Wait a minute. What's this?

Sarah Palin may soon be free. Soon, she may not have the millstone of John McCain around her neck. And she can begin her race for president in 2012.

Umm...don't pull those books off the shelf just yet.

Sarah Palin “has absolutely earned a right to run in 2012,” says Greg Mueller, who was a senior aide in the presidential campaigns of Pat Buchanan and Steve Forbes. Mueller says Palin has given conservatives “hope” and “something to believe in.”

When asked what the something was Mueller replied that "a pretty face and an empty head will take you places. Well, if you add wiggling your butt in front of a bunch of horny old white guys too."

And even if the McCain-Palin ticket does win on Nov. 4 — and Mueller says it could — “if McCain decides to serve for just one term, Sarah Palin as the economic populist and traditional American values candidates will be very appealing by the time we get to 2012.”

Not to mention that by then she will have learned to read.

McCain praised Palin but went out of his way to point out how little he knew about her before he chose her as his running mate. “I didn’t know her real well,” McCain said. “I knew her reputation. I didn’t know her well at all. I didn’t know her well at all. So she turned out to be an idiot. OK, my bad.”

John McCain is blaming Palin for demonstrating her inexperience and lack of knowledge because she is inexperienced and lacks knowledge.

Palin is blaming McCain for running what she views as a bad campaign. "The campaign never played to Sarah's strengths," said one Palin aide who asked not to be identified. "You know, sniping, innuendo, character assassination. The things she's a natural at."

All that negative stuff about her? Charging Alaska taxpayers a per diem allowance for 300 nights she spent at home, flying her kids at state expense to events they were not invited to, accepting wildly expensive clothes from the Republican National Committee and, according to one ethics panel, having abused her office as governor?

"Just being a republican, you betcha," Palin replies.

Mueller thinks Palin would make a strong candidate. “She would run in 2012 as the empty headed, ill informed, untalented Barbie doll that she was originally introduced to the country as,” Mueller said. "The base will eat it up."

Mueller also argues that Palin could run a more convincing campaign on traditional conservative issues in 2012 than McCain has in 2008. "I mean come on, if she has even one idea she can stick to for more than a week, she'll have McCain beat."

“One weakness in McCain’s campaign is not campaigning on strong, pro-life, traditional values issues,” Mueller said. “Of course the republican party has only paid lip service to those issues for the last eight years anyway, but if those people are stupid enough to keep buying the same pig in a poke, Sarah's the one to sell it to them.”

Hmm...maybe we should consider an addition to the marbled halls of IM Central.

Friday Hound Blogging (Special Monday Edition)

We have some rather shocking news to report to you today that just couldn't wait until our regularly scheduled trip into the overlord zone.

You'd better sit down for this.

Of course you are aware of the pride the overlords take in the high ethical and logical standards they set for themselves when defending their...ah...let's go with sport from those who through no fault of their own mind you, have come to the mistaken conclusion that greyhound racing is a barbarous vestige of a less enlightened time before people had...um...souls we think, but we may not be remembering correctly.

Anyway, it has become a dictum in overlord land that all arguments brought against them were to be countered with logic, rationality and a firm sense of intellectual rigor.

Now it turns out that fine tradition, that bulwark of ethical strength, those dazzling rhetorical heights have been based on a foundation of lies.

An Ohio-based researcher is accusing greyhound racing supporters in Massachusetts of misrepresenting her human sports-injuries study to counter the argument that dog racing is dangerous to the animals.

We are shocked we tell you, shocked.

A graphic published on the Web site of the Massachusetts Animal Interest Coalition, the group opposing ballot Question 3 to abolish dog racing, lists injury rates for sports like “boys football” and “girls volleyball” as a percent — a figure out of every hundred. But her study, according to co-author Dawn Comstock, measured the rates per one thousand. “It’s quite a bit of a misrepresentation,” said Comstock, a researcher for the Center for Injury Research and Policy at Nationwide Children’s Hospital in Columbus, Ohio.

There's that pesky math again.

The coalition’s campaign manager, Glenn Totten, said he was unaware of the mistake but stuck by the contention that greyhound racing is "safer than high school sports regardless of what some pencil necked researcher found using all that fancy statistics and science and stuff."

The greyhound injury rate has been a cornerstone of the anti-racing campaign, which continually points to state records reporting more than 800 injuries at tracks in Raynham and Revere since 2002. Their opponents seeking to keep dog racing alive have sought to downplay those numbers, saying that when viewed in the context of the fact that they occurred over thousands of races, the injury rate is less than 1 percent. "Look they're just going to be killed when they can't win anymore anyway," Totten said. "What's the big deal if a few of them get hurt first?"

Comstock, who is also a professor at Ohio State University, said she did not agree with the pro-racing group’s decision to group greyhound injury rates with high- and medium-contact sports, such as football, wrestling and basketball. "Kids who play sports do so voluntarily, and they have protective equipment and adult supervision. I don't see any of that at a race track. Especially the adult supervision part. Is anybody sober at those things?"

“It would be more appropriate to compare greyhound racing to collegiate track and field,” Comstock said. "Well, except for the fact that we don't kill somebody for losing the 100 yard dash."

Totten, the pro-racing group’s campaign manager, conceded the comparison was “asymmetrical” but maintained the greyhound injury was too low to merit the criticism it has received.
“The fact is that our opponents are saying we’re running a canine demolition derby,” he said.

You mean like this?




Hey Batman, how would you like folks to vote on Question 3?

Batman is a beautiful dog with sleek a sleek black coat, with a grey face and white chest patch. He is a bit shy at first, but when he gets to know you is “the love of your life,” his foster mom says. Batman loves to have his neck scratched all over and will crane it from side to side while thumping his leg with delight. He is very quiet and calm in the house, and will sometimes offer to shake a paw. He is also a “collector” and will gather all of the dog toys and old chew bones in the house and put them around and under his bed. Batman would do well in a working family or single home environment, with or without other pets. He is good with well-mannered children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent readers of this blog seldom spend $150,00 on their wardrobe...er...we mean are probably familiar with our frequent visits to the great state of Massachusetts where the overlords are locked in a titanic struggle to maintain their right to suck a living off the backs of innocent animals, then discard them like losing Lotto tickets when they can't win anymore. (This is foreshadowing. In an attempt to raise the quality of writing in this blog above the seventh grade level, we went out and bought one of those how to write books, which we plan to read all the way through. Really.)

Anyway, as you might imagine, claims and counter claims have been flying thick as fast in the Bay State resulting in all kinds of confusion amongst the populace. Should a paltry few ne'er do wells be allowed to continue a cruel and abusive practice that is dying out anyway?

Truly a quandary, no?

Not to worry, oh concerned, but somewhat slow public, the Salem News is on the job. They sent crack journalistic reporter Lois La...er...Barbara Anderson to a recent debate where she used her highly honed journalistic reporter skills to ferret out the truth like a...well...ferret. Let's listen in, shall we?

Chip Ford and I were there because he was arguing for "Yes on 1" and I was trying to decide about Question 2. I thought I had already made up my mind to vote for Question 3 because I'm an "animal nut" who always votes yes on animal rights issues.

Oooh, a complication. As an "animal nut" she automatically likes animals (probably a vegan too), but as a journalistic reporter and graduate of Bill's School of Journalistic Reporting and HVAC Repair Academy she can not let her personal feelings get in the way of her single-minded march to the truth.

As I watched proponent Christine Dorchak accusing greyhound owner and trainer John O'Donnell of inhumane treatment, I began to wonder: Why would people who had invested in a dog to win races mistreat him in ways that would prevent his maximum performance?

Umm...because it's easier to bring on a new dog in the hopes it will win right away, than invest in a dog that is losing. See, greyhound racing is sort of like buying Lotto tickets. If this week's ticket doesn't win, you don't save it until next week, you throw it away and get another one. (This is the foreshadowing we warned you about. Pretty fancy huh? Wait until we get to the chapter on sarcasm)

I read the voter information booklet, noted that dogs are sometimes injured while racing. The little quote about the sailboat kept returning and transforming itself: A greyhound who doesn't run won't be injured, but what are greyhounds for?

Oooh! Oooh! We know! Pick us! Pick us! See, greyhounds are just as happy running around in your backyard, or in a park and in those places there's a lot less of a chance they'll get hurt because there isn't a highly electrified rail on their left, they aren't running on a track that may not have undergone proper maintenance and there aren't seven other greyhounds inches away from them running just as fast who may bump them or fall in front of them. How'd we do?

I wondered: If greyhounds could vote, how would they vote on Question 3? So Chip and I went to John O'Donnell's kennels to ask them.

See, that's something she learned in journalistic reporter school--go to the source. We just hope she knows how to speak greyhound.

As O'Donnell opened the doors to the stacked cages, each dog walked or leapt into the one with his name on it. For sure, cages make me uncomfortable, but I have friends who keep their pet dogs in crates; though I'd never do that with my own, I'm getting used to it.

Oh, well as long as you're getting used to it, we guess staying in a crate for 18 - 22 hours a day isn't so bad. As long as you're not the one in the crate, huh?

Some cages had a number — the ideal racing and health weight — controlled by weighing the food, which looked good enough to share.

Really? What are they paying you at the paper?

I learned that it is illegal in Massachusetts to euthanize a greyhound until a reasonable effort is made to place them for adoption, and that effort seems successful because many people want these gentle, retired "athletes," as the trainers call them. This makes them more protected than shelter animals.

That's true. OK, don't count the chances of getting killed or injured on the track, sold for medical research or shipped off to a low grade track and an uncertain future, but other than that, these dogs are living the life of Riley. As long as Riley keeps winning that is.

Honored as hunters and pets by ancient Egyptians and British royalty, the greyhound was brought to America in the late 1800s to help Midwestern farmers control the crop-eating jackrabbit; coursing events soon followed.

That's true too. It's only in the last few years they've lost that honor and become profit centers for people unable to be trained to say "Welcome to Walmart."

Official racing may be in decline already; with the many protections built into Massachusetts regulations, but I can't bring myself to vote to end it now.

OK, we're guessing she doesn't speak greyhound, or at least doesn't know the cuss words. What do you think, Bongo?
Bongo is very sweet and loving. He follows the Foster Mom all around the house and pushes his way in between other greyhound in house for all the attention. He loves to look at himself in the mirror and throws his toys all around the house when he plays. He loves his squeaky toys. He’s always looking for squirrels in the yard. He jumps up and catches a toy and he likes to play tug-of-war. He will catch toys if you throw them up in the air. He enjoys playing with people and the family dogs, running through the house and having a great time. Bongo would do best in a home with another average to larger size dog to keep him company, as he tends to be vocal when left alone. For that reason, he needs a single family home with someone home more often. He is good with well-mannered children, ages 5 and up. He would okay, as an only dog if someone were home more often to give him attention. He can jump a standard 4 foot fence if he really wants to do it. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Canis Fidelis

Don't feel much like doing this today. A friend of ours lost a friend of his and we're all a little bit diminished without her.

If The Founding Fathers Were Alive, They'd Take Away The Keys

A few days ago we mentioned that we had stopped hording food and firewood as it seemed the four horsemen of the Apocalypse were still a week or two away and might take a side tip to visit Famine's sick aunt.

Then we met this lady.



OK, not so bad, we think. Come on, there's 300 million people in this country. Some of them were bound to have been dropped on their heads as children. Then we were introduced to a member of the United States Congress elected by a majority of voters in her district to serve in the same institution that had once seen the likes of Henry Clay, James Madison, Andrew Jackson, John Quincy Adams, and heard the speeches of people like Daniel Webster, Stephen Douglas and Abraham Lincoln.

And speaking of speeches:



If you need us, we'll be down in the basement whimpering.

I'm Calling For John McCain. Did You Know Obama Is A Vampire? Oh, And Something About The Economy

Well, it looks like the last two weeks of this campaign are going to climb up out of the slime pit they mistakenly fell into when the republican candidate temporarily lost control of his campaign because someone forgot to stock the straight talk express with enough Metamucil to get from St. Louis to Champagne, Illinois and they had to stop in Ohio where they happened to run across a local political consultant who made some interesting points that senator McCain, in his obstructed state, mistakenly decided to take advantage of. How do we know? John McCain says so.

"We're focusing on the economy," the Arizona senator said. "Listen to me. I'm the candidate, not Caribou Barbie and this campaign is about the economy. Especially the part where Bill Ayers is collecting acorns to be turned into bombs and shot by slingshot at republican voters on election day by Kenyans brought into to this country illegally by George Soros. "

McCain said "it's absolutely not true" that the economy is a losing issue for Republicans. "If we didn't think we could win on the economy do you think we be talking so much about why Obama will choose a Muslim for Secretary of Labor? Did I mention he's black?"

McCain has been using a remark by Obama that he wanted to "spread the wealth around" to criticize the Democrat as favoring socialist economic policies. "Do you want the federal government nationalizing private institutions?" McCain asked the 15 people gathered to hear him at a recent rally. "Too late," someone in the crowd shouted.

Senator Biden, in a rush to commit his eighth verbal gaffe of the day and thus establish a new personal best, told democratic campaign donors that when a crisis hits, they would have to stand with them, because it wouldn't be apparent Senator Obama would have the right response."

"Forget apparent," McCain said. "Senator Obama won't have the right response, and we know that because we've seen the wrong response from him over and over during this campaign. I've called him every name I can think of, impugned his patriotism, and even threatened to kick his you know what, and all he does is keep talking about the economy, jobs and our wars. Is that the kind of person you want in the White House?" But by then most of the people had wandered away after realizing Sarah Palin wasn't with McCain.

It was unclear whether McCain might step back from his attacks after Obama's campaign announced that he will suspend campaigning for two days later this week to visit his gravely ill 85-year-old grandmother in Hawaii. "We probably will," said a campaign spokesperson. She's the white one isn't she?"

BREAKING: Majority of Americans Support Effective Government...Erm...We Mean Terrorism

We're coming to you from the Mixed Messages Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. MM is a division of the Cognitive Dissonance Corporation in partnership with Disconfirmed Expectancy, Inc. Truth be told, in our more sober moments we have feared for the future of our great nation, and not just because higher oil prices meant an increase in the delivery fee the local liquor store charges.

No indeed. What caused our concern was the increasingly spittle flecked, bug eyed, off the meds howl rising up from McCain Palin rallies. Now, perhaps this is just a measure of McCain finally finding his base, or perhaps there is something inherently attractive about a septuagenarian and a snow monkey to voters who have given themselves over to the voices in their heads. We'll leave that to the academicians. Or Mental Health Officials. Whatever.

Our point is that with each passing day it appears more and more likely that people who actually tend to vote for their own best interests are going to carry the day and even among the more, shall we say loosely constructed population, it appears that the Moen faucet stem and cartridge puller are beginning to put the squeeze on the Single, Double & Triple Bowl Sinks for the Kitchen & Bar of delusion. Or more simply, when Joe the plumber is to plumbing what Britney Spears is to singing you got a problem even Cindy McCain can't help you with.

With poll after poll showing Democrat Barack Obama widening his lead over Republican rival John McCain in the race to the November 4 presidential vote, conservatives are fretting. "We have a sense of foreboding about what it looks like right now ... It certainly doesn't look good right now," said Barry Creamer, the host of a talk show on conservative Christian radio station WWJD in Dallas. "I mean, Obama wants to help the poor and the middle class. He wants to make education more affordable to all and insists we pay according to our abilities. Where are the Christian values in that?"

"I get this sense from my callers. Some have a sense of resignation but prayerful hope for divine intervention because the last thing Jesus wants is a fair and equitable society. He actually told me that last night when I prayed to him asking if I should go for the Mercedes or the Audi."

Other hosts of talk radio -- a staple of U.S. conservative culture -- have tried to rally the troops. "They're trying to depress you; they're trying to dispirit you; they're trying to make you think ... that the election is finished," talk radio icon Rush Limbaugh said this past week in reference to polls showing Obama with a commanding lead. "But we've been living in our own world for the last eight years, do you really think Obama can make us live in his?"

"I don't believe it's over until it's over," said Ron Osborne, a Southern Baptist pastor in a suburb north of Dallas. "I also don't believe in evolution, gravity or the United States Postal Service."

"I believe it's catastrophic. Obama's leaning toward socialism and Marxism in many, many areas," said Sunny Turner, who heads an anti-abortion rights group in Tucson, Arizona. "I mean just look at the financial crisis. When Obama gets in there he's likely to nationalize the banks. You can't get much more socialist than that." When told that Bush had already OK'd a policy that could lead to partial nationalization of the banks, Turner replied that it was OK for Bush to do that "because he's protecting the womb babies."

"I think that under an Obama presidency, every safeguard of the unborn will go to the wayside under the guise of freedom of choice," Osborne said. "Of course under Obama I'll get to keep my house, so there is something to be said for that."

One concern among social conservatives is that the issues that really motivate their ranks, such as abortion and gay marriage, have taken a back seat to the economy. "Avoiding social issues is detrimental to my employment prospects," Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council said.

Now that's reality talking.

Friday Hound Blogging

People have accused us of being less than sympathetic to the overlords. They think we have been unfair in our portrayal of people who, perhaps because they have the intelligence of a paper weight, the compassion of a scorpion and the scruples of a jackal have chosen to live out their tiny lives by taking advantage of the enormous hearts of the oldest breed of dog there is.

People, people people. Where would you get an idea like that?

We here in the marbled halls of IM Central pride ourselves on being as fair and balanced as Fox News, so with that in mind this week we bring you the pensive stylings of one Dave Bergmeier Editor and Publisher of the Abilene Reflector Chronicle Telegraph Press Gazette Times Tribune News Journal Post Dispatch.

Abilene has its welcome mat out for what is the annual fall festivities for the National Greyhound Association. The greyhound industry remains one of the important roots in agriculture and allows Dickinson County to have an added asset in its economic arsenal.

Now, to be fair, it should be pointed out that Abilene's "economic arsenal" consists of three bars, a Seven Eleven and, if you want to drive to Solomon, a Krogers that's only about ten years old.

The greyhound industry faces tight economic times, much of which is affiliated with an ever-elusive entertainment dollar. Turn the calendar back to the early 1990s and Kansas had tracks in Wichita and Kansas City, Kan. and there appeared to be positive synergy for developing a track in Pittsburg. Pittsburg has never really been able to develop a track. Meanwhile, Wichita and Kansas City remained open until closing earlier this year -- most notable KCK’s The Woodlands, which ceased operating in late August.

Yes. Tracks often remain open until they close and it's that kind of economic acumen that has kept Abilene in the front ranks of towns that have streetlights.

The greyhound industry and its leadership in Kansas and at the NGA has been proactive... telling its positive story to those who are willing to listen.

Right. Trouble is, the "positive" part of the story only takes about eight seconds. The rest of the week is usually taken up with explaining why dogs are brutally murdered, left to starve, or sold illegally for medical research.

Abilene and Dickinson County, as well as the NGA members from across the country who return every fall and spring, have every right to be proud of the association and its members. The economic impact is well known and documented.

Well, if by "proud" you mean we wish we'd never heard of these guys. On the bright side there is that "economic impact." Why, parking meter revenues go up 20 to 30 percent.

The greyhound industry has evolved into sophistication with the latest in production techniques, much like cattle and swine breeders.

We really don't have to add anything to that do we? Pretty much say it all about how the dogs are thought of.

Members of the greyhound industry serve as advocates for animal welfare.

Right. Just like swine farmers advocate for the welfare of their pigs and cattle farmers advocate for the welfare of their beef. Hey Remy, how about giving us an oink. No? How about a moo?

Remy is affectionate and loving. He follows you around and puts his head on your lap. Remy needs a family that has someone that is at home most of the day and he would do best with another dog in the home. He would do well with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He can be vocal when left alone, so would do best in a single family home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

It's The Whackamole Corollary To The Bush Doctrine

For the 432nd time coalition forces have killed the number two al Qaida leader in Iraq. "We have killed the number two man before, and we're going to keep killing him as long as we have to," said U.S. Rear Adm. Patrick Driscoll, spokesman for the Multi-National Force in Iraq.

A spokesperson for the Number Two Man Training Facility outside of Mosul had no immediate comment.

BREAKING: Final Presidential Deabte Posts Smallest Audience; Most People Out Gathering Firewood

Woo Hoo! Last presidential debate tonight in which John McCain brings Bill Ayers out on to the stage to admit he's Barack Obama's father while Sarah Palin beats moderator Bob Schieffer over the head with a hockey stick.

That may be a slight exaggeration.

"You can do yourself a lot of good when you have a debate with that many people watching," South Carolina Republican Party Chairman Katon Dawson said. "But then, this is John McCain we're talking about, so we just hope he doesn't use the N word."

The debate comes as opinion polls show Obama gaining strength nationally and in battleground states after weeks of economic turmoil and plunging stock markets, with more voters saying they trust Obama's leadership on the economy. "If we were at war with a country of baby killing, 60's radicals McCain would totally have my vote," said one voter. "But since I need to, like eat, and have a place out of the weather for my family, I'm going to go with "Obama."

Several recent polls have shown McCain's attacks on Obama's character have largely backfired, increasing unfavorable opinions about McCain among voters looking for solutions on the economy. "We're confident the American people will realize what's important and realize a vote for Obama is a vote for a guy that was a political radical when the other guy was only eight years old," said Steve Schmidt, McCain's chief strategist, and head chauffeur.

"There is no question the negative campaigning just isn't working," pollster John Zogby said. "It's almost like the American people care more about their future than they do about what some old professor did 40 years ago. No wonder this country is in the shape it's in. Don't they know Obama's black?"

McCain adviser Nicolle Wallace said on CBS's "Early Show" the Arizona senator would focus on explaining how he would be the best leader to heal the financial chaos of the last month. "The senator will explain how, if he's elected he will suspend his presidency until the crisis is dealt with," she told reporters.

Now that's leadership we can believe in my friends.

When Reality Gives You Lemons, Make Beaulieu Picpoul De Pinet, 2007

We're coming to you from Republican National Headquarters today. We're down in the basement outside the optometry shop where all the rose colored glasses are manufactured. Currently, John McCain’s chief strategist Steve Schmidt is being fitted with a pair of wraparounds.

Schmidt said that the campaign is “well within striking distance” of Barack Obama. When reporters stopped laughing, Schmidt explained: "All it would take is one misstep on the part the Obama campaign and we'd be right back in it." When asked what kind of misstep he was talking about Schmidt replied a misstep like "Obama walking in front of a bus."

“We are running in a very difficult political environment, that’s not a secret to anybody that’s out there,” Schmidt said. "We've based our campaign on lies, innuendo and character assassination when people are concerned with the economy, the war and jobs."

"There’s a lot of the media right now that is writing Senator McCain off for the third or fourth time this year," Schmidt continued. "Trouble is, this time we're not matched up against plastic man or Jesus' sidekick."

Schmidt blamed the financial crisis for the campaign’s current state, pointing out that before the crisis McCain was running ahead of Obama. "If people would just go back to caring about things that don't matter, like gay marriage, or the importance of Obama's friends when he was eight years old, we'd be surging."

But while the financial crisis likely won’t recede from the headlines by Election Day, Schmidt still believes the campaign has a path to victory if McCain wins in Florida and Ohio. “We need to win Florida, we need to win Ohio. We feel great about our chances to do that,” Schmidt said. When asked how he expected a victory in states clearly leaning to Obama, Schmidt replied that he was banking "on that bus thing."

The McCain strategist expressed optimism over Obama’s “history of closing weakly in his campaigns,” while claiming that McCain historically closes strong in the final weeks. When asked for examples of Obama "closing weakly" Schmidt said he couldn't give one "because I basically made that up in the hope you would just print it without asking."

Later, the McCain campaign issues a statement the said scientists working with a National Science Foundation grant had found a link between voting for Obama and cancer in lab rats.