Wait 'Till Recess 'Cause You're Goin' Down

OK, so yesterday we felt the need to reach out to those of our fellow Americans who, for some reason or another have become convinced that the world inside their heads is the one we all see. Here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we truly believe that there isn't enough Thorazine in the country to ease these people out of the delusional pit they've dug for themselves these last eight years and we felt it was our duty to at least attempt to keep them from hurting themselves.

Turns out our entreaties fell on deaf ears because they were all busy kicking each other in the shins.

The new issue of Newsweek will hit the stands Thursday with an epic 50,000-word insider history of the campaign. The piece was written by a “special team that gets exclusive access on the agreement to publish only after the election.” Among the highlights: it seems there was much more to the McCain-Palin soap opera than was publicly revealed. For example, remember that $150,000 spending spree that Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin supposedly had nothing to do with? Well, according to Newsweek, it was indeed of Palin’s doing, and it was far more costly than initially reported.

Did you hear what Tiffany said about Amber in the lunch room yesterday? Megan told me she heard it from Kacey.

Palin asked to speak along with McCain at his Arizona concession speech Tuesday night, but campaign strategist Steve Schmidt vetoed the request.

Oh, snap! Sarah was all like "I get to talk too" and Steve was all like "Step off biotch." Totally. It was awesome.

One day after conceding the presidential election to Senator Barack Obama, John McCain and Sarah Palin have gone their separate ways. Palin left the Arizona Biltmore hotel Wednesday afternoon in a motorcade stretching more than a dozen vehicles, flanked by a dozen more cops on motorcycles. She was joined by some 18 family members and friends who had made the trip from Alaska to Phoenix to watch Election Night returns. John McCain drove himself in his own gold Toyota Sequoia SUV.

Oh no she dinnit!

The separate departures seemed a striking metaphor for the two who together sought the White House: one the party elder, not expected to run for president again, back on his own after the pomp and circumstance died down; the other a rising star in the Republican party, whose political celebrity is now nearly as big as the president-elect’s.

We're sorry, what?

Palin said she plans to stay on the national scene by pushing the new Obama administration on energy policy – the issue she focused the most confusion and inanities on during her two months on the national campaign trail. "It's freakin' cold up here, you betcha," the governor told reporters. "We need energy. Plus that's why I had to have all those clothes 'cause you know Obama's going to be sending all our gas to his homies so they can drive all their big cars down to the welfare center."

While she had often served as the attack dog on the campaign trail, Palin expressed pride in the election of Obama as the first African-American president. "It goes to show ya how far this country's come when a fat old rich white guy can screw up his campaign so bad that he gets beat by a brother," she said.

"Plus, it’s been an honor and I feel like it’s just been such a blessing to have the opportunity to represent women who mostly ignored me and voted for Obama," she added.

Palin declined to engage in any criticism of her campaign, saying the experience had been "entirely positive and refreshing and energizing. Especially those rallies where I got people to threaten to kill President Obama. Now that's my kind of democracy."

"Just absolutely no time for the pettiness. And that’s kinda just the way I’m wired. I don’t have time for that," Palin said when asked about post-election finger-pointing."Besides, I'm writin' a book. Well, soon as I get me one of those word processor thingy's. And someone who can write."

"And God bless Barack Obama and his beautiful family and the new administration coming in. It is time that we all pulled together and worked together and America’s going to reach her destiny. And by destiny, how does Palin/Wurzelbacher 2012 sound?"

Like fingernails on a blackboard.