BREAKING: Majority of Americans Support Effective Government...Erm...We Mean Terrorism

We're coming to you from the Mixed Messages Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. MM is a division of the Cognitive Dissonance Corporation in partnership with Disconfirmed Expectancy, Inc. Truth be told, in our more sober moments we have feared for the future of our great nation, and not just because higher oil prices meant an increase in the delivery fee the local liquor store charges.

No indeed. What caused our concern was the increasingly spittle flecked, bug eyed, off the meds howl rising up from McCain Palin rallies. Now, perhaps this is just a measure of McCain finally finding his base, or perhaps there is something inherently attractive about a septuagenarian and a snow monkey to voters who have given themselves over to the voices in their heads. We'll leave that to the academicians. Or Mental Health Officials. Whatever.

Our point is that with each passing day it appears more and more likely that people who actually tend to vote for their own best interests are going to carry the day and even among the more, shall we say loosely constructed population, it appears that the Moen faucet stem and cartridge puller are beginning to put the squeeze on the Single, Double & Triple Bowl Sinks for the Kitchen & Bar of delusion. Or more simply, when Joe the plumber is to plumbing what Britney Spears is to singing you got a problem even Cindy McCain can't help you with.

With poll after poll showing Democrat Barack Obama widening his lead over Republican rival John McCain in the race to the November 4 presidential vote, conservatives are fretting. "We have a sense of foreboding about what it looks like right now ... It certainly doesn't look good right now," said Barry Creamer, the host of a talk show on conservative Christian radio station WWJD in Dallas. "I mean, Obama wants to help the poor and the middle class. He wants to make education more affordable to all and insists we pay according to our abilities. Where are the Christian values in that?"

"I get this sense from my callers. Some have a sense of resignation but prayerful hope for divine intervention because the last thing Jesus wants is a fair and equitable society. He actually told me that last night when I prayed to him asking if I should go for the Mercedes or the Audi."

Other hosts of talk radio -- a staple of U.S. conservative culture -- have tried to rally the troops. "They're trying to depress you; they're trying to dispirit you; they're trying to make you think ... that the election is finished," talk radio icon Rush Limbaugh said this past week in reference to polls showing Obama with a commanding lead. "But we've been living in our own world for the last eight years, do you really think Obama can make us live in his?"

"I don't believe it's over until it's over," said Ron Osborne, a Southern Baptist pastor in a suburb north of Dallas. "I also don't believe in evolution, gravity or the United States Postal Service."

"I believe it's catastrophic. Obama's leaning toward socialism and Marxism in many, many areas," said Sunny Turner, who heads an anti-abortion rights group in Tucson, Arizona. "I mean just look at the financial crisis. When Obama gets in there he's likely to nationalize the banks. You can't get much more socialist than that." When told that Bush had already OK'd a policy that could lead to partial nationalization of the banks, Turner replied that it was OK for Bush to do that "because he's protecting the womb babies."

"I think that under an Obama presidency, every safeguard of the unborn will go to the wayside under the guise of freedom of choice," Osborne said. "Of course under Obama I'll get to keep my house, so there is something to be said for that."

One concern among social conservatives is that the issues that really motivate their ranks, such as abortion and gay marriage, have taken a back seat to the economy. "Avoiding social issues is detrimental to my employment prospects," Tony Perkins, president of the Family Research Council said.

Now that's reality talking.