Wednesday, November 12, 2008

We Got Your Dominus Vobiscum Right Here

We're sorry to have to be the ones to tell you this. We know how excited and hopeful you were when Obama got elected. Return to normalcy; governed by people with brains; "Science" no longer a four letter word; stuff like that, but the truth is, his presidency will fail. How do we know? He's ticked off the bishops and the only thing worse than that is ticking off the nuns. We still get hate mail from Sister Victorine, our sixth grade teacher, but that's another story.

The nation's Roman Catholic bishops vowed to forcefully confront the Obama administration over its support for abortion rights, saying the church and religious freedom could be under attack in the new presidential administration. "You can forget about your jobs, and your houses, and your 401(k)s," Archbishop Joseph Naumann of the Diocese of Kansas City in Kansas said. "This Obama guy thinks women have a right to their own bodies. Well, their bodies, OK but the church owns your uterus, that's right in the bible."

In an impassioned discussion on Catholics in public life, several bishops said they would accept no compromise on abortion policy. Many condemned Catholics who had argued it was morally acceptable to back President-elect Obama because he pledged to reduce abortion rates. "Catholics who vote their pocketbooks are just not really catholics," Bishop Joseph Martino of Scranton, Pennsylvania. "Besides, I'm pretty sure we own your pocketbooks too."

Several prelates promised to call out Catholic policy makers on their failures to follow church teaching. "I cannot have a vice president-elect coming to Scranton to say he's learned his values there when those values are utterly against the teachings of the Catholic Church," Martino said. "Because you know it's always about me. Really. I'm a bishop."

The Obama-Biden press office did not immediately respond to a request for comment. "We just finished a whole campaign dealing with wingnuts and cement heads," said the person answering the phone who refused to be identified. "We're taking some time off."

Archbishop Naumann said politicians "can't check your principles at the door of the legislature. If anything the last eight years have proven that. Oh wait. Bad example."

Naumann has said repeatedly that Kansas Gov. Kathleen Sebelius, a Catholic Democrat who supports abortion rights, should stop taking Holy Communion until she changes her stance. "They cannot call themselves Catholic when they violate such a core belief as doing what I say," Naumann said. "Plus she's a woman. Where do they get these ideas? The nuns don't treat me this way."

Chicago Cardinal Francis George, president of the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, is preparing a statement during the bishops' fall meeting that will press Obama on abortion. The bishops suggested that the final document include the message that "aggressively pro-abortion policies" would be viewed "as an attack on the church."

"Those little zygotes are going to grow up to be tithers some day," Naumann said. "Don't mess with our P/L sheet."

Along with their theological opposition to the procedure, church leaders say they worry that any expansion in abortion rights could require Catholic hospitals to perform abortions or lose federal funding. Auxiliary Bishop Thomas Paprocki of Chicago said the hospitals would close rather than comply. "Got cancer? Too bad. Trying to earn a living by working at the hospital? Who cares? We're all about the blastocysts," Paprocki added.

According to exit polls, 54 percent of Catholics chose Obama, who is Protestant. The new bishops' statement is meant to drive home the point in a way that cannot be misconstrued. "We have a very important thing to say. I think we should say it clearly and with a punch," said New York Cardinal Edward Egan. "And that is, LISTEN TO US. WE ARE NOT IRRELEVANT!!!"

But some bishops said church leaders should take care with the tone of the statement. "We must act and be perceived as acting as caring pastors and faithful teachers," said Bishop Blase Cupich of Rapid City, S.D.

"Oh pulllease," Naumann said. "I bet he's one of those 'guitar mass' priests. Man up Blase. Preach like you got a pair."

Dr. Patrick Whelan, a pediatrician and president of Catholic Democrats, said angry statements from church leaders were counterproductive and would only alienate Catholics. "We're calling on the bishops to move away from the more vicious language," Whelan said. He said the church needs to act "in a more creative, constructive way," to maintain current levels of contributions.

"Hey Whelan. One prayer from me and you're spending eternity in a fiery lake. What do you think of that?" Martino asked.

Chris Korzen, Catholics United executive director, said, "we honestly want to move past the deadlock" on abortion. He said church leaders were making that task harder.

"No church for you!" Cardinal Egan shouted. "Come back one year!"


Anonymous said...

I don't know about "Catholic women " as a whole. but I can tell you when I was going to a Catholic College forty years ago, and in an oh so conservative city to boot, all "my girlfriends" had a saying when it came to being "Catholic". It was not particularly poetic but it certainly was succinct. "No Penis, No Rights."
You take a look at the history of Popes and wealth and courage and politics and persecution, it sends you down memory lane if not giving you shivers.
Just as some Republicans finally got it, "we just don't believe it anymore!"
Popes and Bishops and Priests and Nuns should see the lessons from this recent election. No more dimes and nickels through guilt, blaming and hypocrisy , not to mention corruption.
Many Catholic churches have closed down because of expenses in lawsuits with pedophiles and only after fully hiding the truths for decades and centuries, have the crucifixes come tumbling down.
This was not a miracle,; it was purely man-made and it was men and women who took it upon themselves to make the Church answer for all the deceptions and illegalities, but more importantly, unethical and immoral, criminal behaviors. And we won.
There will be, I can assure you, no more "Wizard of Oz's " behind closed curtains, barking fear into unsuspecting crowds. Those days are over for the educated and informed and these are the people with power.
I had no Sister Victorine but we did have a seventy-four Sister Henrietta. She taught us to "Question. Question. Question." This high-school History Teacher once asked when speaking about the Vikings what were the "Four B's"? We all assumed the "B's were battles and we tossed off a monotonous load. With spit and fury she condemned the entire class and she said "I am NOT talking about the bloody wars, you FOOLS!" The four "B"s when dealing with the Viking are:

If a Nun can think like that more than a half a century ago,there is absolutely no excuse for aging, silk embroidered Dictators, (through the courtesy of long hours by needled nuns) , wielding over-abusive conduct, and totally unyielding in thought.
Where oh where are the real Christians of Religions that open their arms to Gays, to female priests and progress for the Planet? Needing reductions to human births are best in their results with "planning". When a Church prohibits even that, one can only question, thoroughly, the seriousness of a regime as old as Roman times.

Anonymous said...

When even Kathleen Kennedy,(daughter of Robert Kennedy) from an extremely devout Catholic family, says that women are merely interpreting what is best for them and best for their families, I think someone like this penetrates the conscience of America and makes them feel that it is "ok" to think and act.
Women, particularly when they are the bread-winners, don't jump and genuflect anymore.
For too long have we watched our Mothers and Aunts and Grandmothers, loaded up with diapers and dishes and no time for their own talents and reflections, heave their existence into a twilight of uncertainty with little hope or time for reconstruction when family chores are finally done. Too late is too late, and women understand we should never let our options disappear, nevermind that a man from God is telling us to do so!
Women in the Catholic Church played "the rythmn game" and many paid dearly with that Vatican Roulette.
I wonder how many men would let their bodies totally balloon, vomit for months and refuse alcohol for almost a year. And that is only for one child! The more creation, the more "blessed". I'd like to see a guy do labor, even twice. Hell...I'd like to see I guy not booze up for five years!
As Gloria Steinem did once say: "If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament."
The more you see, the more you understand. Unlike Sarah Palin, we Catholics, do not use children for props.

Ironicus Maximus said...

...The more you see, the more you understand. Unlike Sarah Palin, we Catholics, do not use children for props....

Oh Snap! That's right up there with no penis no rights.