Look, We Gave You The Law of Gravity. What Do You Want From Us?

Regular readers of this blog are probably familiar with disappointment...er...we mean familiar with our tales of life in the sanctified environs of the catholic eduindoctranational system. Ah, those were the days. Obsession, repression, sublimation, and that's just from sitting next to Dolores Williams in math class. On the bright side though, we did learn to swear in Latin, so it wasn't all bad, matrix prolapsus!

Which brings us to the subject of today's discourse: The pope doth spake upon science:

Pope Benedict warned Monday of the "seductive" powers of science. Hmm...now there are two words we never thought we'd see in the same sentence: science and seductive. Unless...mmm...science...

Sorry. What were you saying Mr. pope? "In an age when scientific developments attract and seduce with the possibilities they offer, it's more important than ever to befuddle our contemporaries' consciences so that science does not become widely accepted," he told scientists. "You guys trying to knock me out of a job or something?"

The Pope reiterated a plea, made in many speeches since his election in 2005, for mankind to remain stupid and quit asking all those questions. "Can we just go back to thunder is the angels bowling?" he asked.

The conservative former Nazi Pope's public stand on issues such as abortion, embryonic stem cell research and the search for Big Foot has led critics to accuse him of holding antiquated views on science. "That's just not true," countered a Vatican spokesman. That whole Galileo got what was coming to him remark was taken out of context."

Students and teachers at Rome's La Sapienza university – which was founded by a pope more than 700 years ago – protested so loudly during a papal speech that it had to be canceled. "Pope gave you a school. Pope can take it away. That's all I'm saying," said a Vatican spokesman.

The Vatican said the protesters misunderstood that a comment, made about 17 years ago when he was Cardinal Joseph "fingernails" Ratzinger in which he argued that disease is caused by sin and masturbation will make you blind. A press conference called by the Vatican in which a statement from the pope explaining his views on science was to be read had to be canceled because the spokesman could not find his glasses.

The Union's In Quite A State

You know, the day after Christmas eve is a holiday, the day after new year's eve is a holiday and the day after the super bowl is a holiday. We think the day after SOTUS should be a holiday as well. How much work actually gets done when the entire nation is basking in the afterglow of the masterful speechifications of the Explainerator in Chief, who has once again--and with language that soars in rhetorical flights approaching the conversation of angels--led us from the valley of looming despair up the wind kissed sides of the coruscating mount of the future, asked us to gaze out on the fields of amaranth and be not afraid of the baleful, howl of the wolf. Be not afraid because he is with us, and even though that wolf may prowl to our very doorstep, his hand will forever protect and guide us, for we are his children all.

Well, that and the hangovers.

But even for those people who watched the speech sober we still think that a national day of reflection and contemplation is in order because, as always, the president has given us a lot to think about. For example in Iraq:

"The Iraqis launched a surge of their own . . . and today, this grass-roots surge includes more than 80,000 Iraqi citizens who are fighting the terrorists.

Yay! Those plucky Iraqis. We knew they'd come through. After all, what's more important than national pride?

The citizens Bush mentioned are actually Sunni neighborhood-watch groups that have been hired by the U.S. military for $300 a month.

Well, we're sure somebody paid Benjamin Franklin when he was our ambassador in France too, so it's not like they're just doing it for the money or anything.

Military officials said they are unsure what will happen when these "citizens" are no longer paid.

Oh. Well, what are you going to do? So much of world events are beyond our control, right Mr president? Now, take the economy. There's something we can do something about, right?

"Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800. . . ."

Yeah! Right on! Let us keep the money we earn. Protect the working man, that what we're talking about!

Bush makes the potential expiration of his tax cuts sound like a big deal for the average American, but his estimate of the financial impact is skewed because the cuts have disproportionately helped the very richest citizens.

America's greatness comes from the sweat of the working man and woman's brow. That's why we need a government that...wait a minute...what?

The median American household will pay roughly $828 more in taxes in 2011 if the Bush tax cuts expire, according to the Tax Policy Center, a non-ideological think tank venture. The richest 1 percent of American households, in contrast, would have to pay an extra $64,154 a year when the tax cuts expire.

They would pay 64K just in taxes? Sweet Brioni clad Jebus in a Bugatti Veyron, if that's just their tax bill, how much are the making? And more importantly, where do we get a job like that?

Excuse us. We're going to see if there's any Stoli left in the freezer.

You Can Fail Some Of The People Some Of The Time, I Have Tried To Fail Everyone Equally

ZOMG! ZOMG! Today is SOTUS day and we don't have a thing to wear! Oh wait, all we do is sit on the couch while the president takes us on a personal tour through the looking glass. OK, so pajamas will do.

We're big fans of the president's yearly trip across the landscape of his delusions here in the Marbled Halls of IM Central, and not just because it's comforting to know there's someone out there more disconnected from reality than we are, but because these are historical events, something future generations will look back on and go WTF???!!!??!

So what does Mr. 31% have in store for us tonight?

George Bush, struggling to stay relevant in the twilight of his presidency (not that anyone is counting), delivers his final State of the Union speech tonight with an urgent new mission: heading off a U.S. recession.

Umm...would that be the same George Bush who, less than ninety days ago said, "But when they take a hard look at the statistics--and the reality--I hope it brings them some comfort to know this economy is strong and is setting all kinds of records."

See why we like this guy? Now we'll admit to a certain flair when it comes to disconnecting ourselves from the dominate space time continuum, but there's no way we could do stuff like that and not have our heads explode. The guy's a pro, that's all there is to it.

By taking credit for a bipartisan effort to enact a $150 billion stimulus program because Americans can buy themselves out of anything, he may at least partially mitigate the legacy of his previous failures to forge consensus on revamping immigration laws and overhauling Social Security.

Oh, you are far too kind. Immigration and social security were minor failures, not even in the top ten. This guy has failures that make Harold Stassen look like John Kennedy, that make Custer look like a military genius, that make the guy who invented New Coke look like a marketing wizard, that make...well...you see our point. Guess what? You've lived our point for the last seven years. Yeah. Sorry to bring it up. Stoli's in the freezer.

The specter of recession gives Bush a chance to show leadership and define his final months in office through something other than the Iraq war.

If Bush's leadership on the economy is anything like his leadership on the Iraq war, prepare to sell your kids for firewood.

"Normally, these State of the Union speeches can be pretty drab,'' Leon Panetta, former chief of staff to President Bill Clinton. said. Tonight's address is different because the "the country is in deep economic crisis and Americans are looking for answers from their political leaders. But no leader could make it so we'll have to listen to Bush instead."

In his speech tonight, Bush also will make another appeal for making permanent his 2001 and 2003 tax cuts that begin to expire in 2010. "Because lord knows that when the government is running a nine trillion dollar deficit, the last thing you want to do is increase the money coming in," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "It's high level economics stuff. You wouldn't understand."

It remains to be seen whether Bush's speech tonight will improve his tarnished crisis-management reputation following his response to Hurricane Katrina or reverse the widespread perception that his economic policies are out of touch with the needs of average working Americans.

It also remains to be seen if donkeys will fly.

"It's an opportunity for Bush to put something on the positive side of his legacy,'' says David Kennedy, a historian at Stanford University.

Meh. Our money's on it's not happening, but on the bright side, maybe Cheney will try to strangle Pelosi...

Friday Hound Blogging

When last we left the overlords they were complaining that no one understood how good racing greyhounds had it in the kennel. As overlord George Carney, owner of Raynham Park said, "Greyhounds are born to run, and the race dogs are treated better than most house pets."

We're afraid that Fred and Janet Baylis would disagree with you Mr. Carney.

In the third race a greyhound called Icecream Charlie went tumbling over at the third bend and was lying motionless on the track. Officials said that the dog had broken his neck and had been put down.

When's the last time one of your pets broke its neck in a valiant attempt to earn your trailer payment?

Well, there's certainly no shortage of unfortunate events such as this, so the overlords are pretty well practiced at putting on the sorrowful face for the public, as Ricky Sheen, one of the commentors to the story does, right Ricky? " Is it a quiet news week or what? Yawn."

Umm...Ricky? Didn't you get the memo? Care about the dogs? Big investment? Tragic loss? Anything sounding familiar? Well, We're sure he got the memo. Probably just couldn't find anyone to read it to him. Let's see what commenter Ric Kingston has to say about the meaningless, preventable death of this poor, exploited, innocent animal: " i just laughed out loud."

Crap! Is anybody reading the memos? Haven't you people been coming to the meetings? How are we going to convince people we care about the units...er...dogs if you guys keep blowing our cover. You have something good to say about us don't you Bugsy?

Bugsy is friendly, lively, sweet, and affectionate. She likes to be near her family and will whine if they are not very close by. She chatters a lot with her teeth. She plays with toys. She loves to be outside. Bugsy would do best with someone who wants a playful active dog. A home with someone who will play fetch or anyone who wants to spend time with playful dog games to keep her from getting board. She would do well with another large-breed dog or as an only dog. She needs to be exercised regularly to keep strength in her hind end. She would be best with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mr Shortpants update: Mr. Short Pants AKA Tyler would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. Being a Second Chance dog, he worked toward his Second Chance Obedience Training certificate and received getting regular obedience training.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You, Ten Things I Hate About You: President's Cut

We're coming to you today from the Coals to Newcastle Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. CtN is a wholly owned subsidiary of the Selling Refrigerators to Eskimos Corporation.

A liberal advocacy group plans to spend $8.5 million in a drive to make sure president Bush's public approval doesn't improve as his days in the White House thankfully come to an end. "This guy's been a steaming pile of Bull's nasty since he took office," said Brad Woodhouse, president of the group. "We figure the odds are he's way over due to do something right so we want to keep people focused on the big picture."

Americans Desiring Competence plans to undertake a yearlong campaign, spending the bulk of the money on advertising, to keep public attention on what the group says are the failures of the Bush administration. "Couldn't you just rely on the news to do that?" asked one reporter.

"The news only reports Bush's most recent failure," Woodhouse replied.

The group plans to announce the campaign at a press conference during a forum featuring rational human beings. It also aims to air its first ad in advance of Bush's State of the Union speech. "We were thinking about just running a list of all the policy failures, botched programs, bad decisions, and muffed opportunities, but when we got that ad together it was an hour and twenty minutes long, so we had to go back to the drawing board," Woodhouse said.

"Framing his legacy helps us in the '08 elections, there is no doubt about that," Woodhouse said. "But our principal mission would be defining the failures of Bush and the ideology he represents." Several reporters in the group expressed confusion, being unaware that Bush had an ideology. "We figured anyone that inept had to be just winging it," one commented.

Looking to test Bush support within the GOP, Americans United is distributing "I am a Bush Republican" buttons to Republican members of Congress before the State of the Union address. "Oh, yeah, I'll wear that," said one republican senator who asked not to be named. "Right after I shave my head and paint my butt blue."

Woodhouse also plans to unveil a bus that will travel the country carrying an exhibit that portrays Bush's tenure in office — mementos from Iraq and flood ravaged New Orleans as well as symbols of the economic downturn. "We're calling it the 'What do you think of me now' tour and we're going to stop in all the states that voted for Bush in the last election, well at least the ones where people can read."

Republican presidential candidates are hardly embracing Bush, and many are echoing calls from Democrats for change in Washington. "As long as people don't realize we've been Washington for the last eight years, I think we'll be OK, said one republican strategist.

But an anti-Bush campaign will likely be overshadowed by the presidential campaign. Most analysts expect hundreds of millions of dollars will be spent by the candidates and by outside groups this year. "They've got a bus full of failures? We've got a train," said a spokesperson for one leading democratic candidate.

So I Lie A Little. Who's Counting. Oh, You Are

When we were young tykes doing what young tykes often do, we would occasionally run afoul of local ordinances. When called upon to account for these--in our view--minor transgressions we often resorted to a certain...how to describe this...rearrangement of the facts. Our intent was not to mislead, but to provide a clearer, more complete view of the most recently concluded unfortunate event as an explanatory, and hopefully exculpatory addendum to say, the untimely appearance of our sainted mother just as we were climbing down off the roof of Mrs. Fenton's garage.

Now, had our dear SM been of a mind she could have kept a record of these...shall we say...interpretations, and at some point confronted us with the full accounting of our childhood indiscretions, well, let's just say our credits would have been outweighed by our debits.

Which is why we feel kind of sorry for president Bush today.

A study by two nonprofit journalism organizations found that President Bush and top administration officials issued hundreds of false statements about the national security threat from Iraq in the two years following the 2001 terrorist attacks. "When parents tell their children there is a Santa Claus, they're lying too," said White House Press Secretart Dana Pirino. "Why do you people hate Christmas?"

The study concluded that the statements "were part of an orchestrated campaign that effectively galvanized public opinion and, in the process, led the nation to war under decidedly false pretenses."

"Right," said White House spokesman Scott Stanzel. "And it worked too, so what's your point?"

The study counted 935 false statements in the two-year period. It found that in speeches, briefings, interviews and other venues. Stanzel did not comment on the merits of the study, but reiterated the administration's position that the world community viewed Iraq's leader, Saddam Hussein, as a threat.

"936," shouted a reporter.

"When will you make 1000," shouted another.

Bush and administration officials stated unequivocally on at least 532 occasions that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction or was trying to produce or obtain them or had links toal-Qaida or both. "We dispute that," said Secretart Pirino. "Couldn't have been more than 400, 450 tops."

Bush led with 259 false statements, 231 about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq and 28 about Iraq's links to al-Qaida, the study found. "Hey, come on," Pirino said. "The guy's living in a world inside his head. Who knows what's true in there."

"The cumulative effect of these false statements — amplified by thousands of news stories and broadcasts — was massive, with the media coverage creating an almost impenetrable din for several critical months in the run-up to war," the study concluded. "See, if you guys hadn't listened to us none of this would have happened," Stanzel told reporters. "It's not our fault you don't do your jobs."

"Some journalists — indeed, even some entire news organizations — have since acknowledged that their coverage during those prewar months was far too deferential and uncritical. These mea culpas notwithstanding, much of the wall-to-wall media coverage provided additional, 'independent' validation of the Bush administration's false statements about Iraq," it said.

In a related story, the New York Times, in an effort to restore its image as an independent government watchdog, hired Bill Kristol to be a regular columnist.

Michigan! Motto: What's That Burning Smell?

We've written before about our lack of experience in the whole testosterone fueled art of slinging lead, and because of that, even though we live in a state where the ability to walk around packing heat is almost as important as belching, farting and scratching for the deportment of the manly man, we've never been particularly drawn to the fashion statement that wearing ammo belts under our sport coat makes.

Until now that is.

Forget pepper spray or concealed weapons. State Rep. Arlan Meekhof, R-Sparky Township, said he thinks Tasers should be a new option for state residents who want to protect themselves from strangers, intruders, paperboys on collection days, husbands who come home late and Jehovah's Witnesses.

Oh yeah, baby! Who needs caliber when you've got voltage! Cut me off in traffic, or steal my place in the parking lot? Get ready to do the Electric Boogaloo Bunky.

See, this is great because, like, guns leave holes in people and the authorities tend to frown on citizens who think the proper punishment for taking 13 items into the 12 items or less lane is to empty a clip in their general direction. But if you were to whip your Taser out and give them an instant perm, where's the harm?

Lt. Steve Kempker of the Ottawa County Sheriff's Office said he is unsure about the concept of citizens using Tasers. "There's concern for officer safety," he said, noting a policeman could be immobilized by a Taser and then assaulted.

Hey. Turnabout's fair play gum shoe. Besides, you guys are getting a little frisky with yours anyway. Let's level the playing field here a little. We can all get along, right?

Kempker said he also thinks the Taser could be used by people to commit crimes against regular citizens.

Hmm...Let's see. If we own the local liquor store, do we want to be robbed by a guy with a $100 a day drug habit and a Remington 1100, or by the same guy trying to figure out which end of his Taser the wires come out of? Quite the dilemma, don't you agree?

If the Taser didn't work properly, the person doing the attacking might become even more enraged, Kempker said.

OK, let's say that happens. What's he going to do, tell us to walk over to the nearest lamp and stick our finger in the socket?

Meekhof said some local people approached him about the issue. Their concerns, he said, stem from the holiday shopping season, a time when early morning sales brought many people out to the stores in the dark.

Right. How are we going to protect ourselves when we line up outside the Walmart at 4:00 a.m. for the National Eskimo Pie Patent Day sale, or the National Kazoo Day 50% Off Early Bird Special, or the National Rattlesnake Roundup Day White Sale? You're putting the economy in danger here. Jobs, man! This is about jobs. Well, jobs and watching the old lady who tried to grab that last Bend Over Elmo doll flop around like Benny Hinn just came upside her head.

Meekhof said shoppers told him that they didn't feel safe in the parking lots, especially when they had merchandise with them.

Because everybody knows how easy it is to draw and fire a Taser when you've got your arms full of 30% off Christian Dior knockoffs.

Remember, Tasers don't cause pulsating electrical output that interferes with communication between the brain and the muscular system, resulting in loss of control. People do. And if Tasers are outlawed, only outlaws will have Tasers. Well, them and the police.

(h/t Kathy)

The Vice President Will Be With You Shortly. Please Ignore The Screams. It's, Uh, Workmen

You know, we've sort have had this feeling these last seven years and one day (but who's counting?) that things have been kind of trending down in this country. Nothing big really, just a lot of little things. Endless war, government incompetence and corruption, checks and balances ignored or abandoned, corporate greed becoming unfettered by regulation, destruction of the environment, economy in free fall, Packers lose at Lambeau. Stuff like that. A lot of niggling little incidents that in and of themselves we're told are minor, but combined they lead one to the conclusion that perhaps the promise of America isn't as bright and true as the founding fathers intended.

Now all doubt has been removed. In one terrible blow all that America promises and fails to deliver, all the squandered potential, all the delicate dreams laid waste by Empire America, Inc. have been brought forth and dropped at our feet. No longer can we delude ourselves. No longer can we live the facade, the Potemkin Village of democracy. There stands before us now the sum total of all our failures and in the brilliant light of truth she fixes us with her steely gaze, points her finger and says, "J'accuse!"

Well, in Quebec anyway.

Maxime Bernier, the Canadian foreign minister has apologized for including the US on a list of states where prisoners are at risk of torture. "You were really supposed to go on the list of counties that are emotionally distant and make prisoners feel they're putting all the work into the relationship and getting nothing in return," he said. "It was just an editing error."

"We find it to be offensive for us to be on the same list with countries like Iran and China. Quite frankly it's absurd," said the US ambassador to Canada, David Wilkins. "We're way better at torture than they are. Did you see what we did to Padilla? Messed that homey up, yo."

In a statement on Saturday, Mr Bernier said he regretted the embarrassment caused by the public disclosure of the list and promised it would be changed to reflect the Canadian government's official position. When asked what the Canadian position was with regards to how America treated prisoners, Mr. Bernier replied, "Don't ask, don't tell."

The manual lists US interrogation techniques such as forced nudity, isolation, sleep deprivation, Bush state of the union speeches and the blindfolding of prisoners under its definition of torture. "We're not saying that Americans are torturing the prisoners when they do those things, Bernier explained. "We're sure that in America torture is carried out under the strictest of guidelines and the health of the prisoner is always the torturer's first consideration."

The document was mistakenly provided to the human rights group, Amnesty International, as part of a court case it is bringing against the Canadian government over the treatment of detainees in Afghanistan. "Mistaken is right," Bernier said. "The last thing we need is for the Americans to know what we really think of them." At that point an aide entered and informed the foreign minister that he had a call from Dick Cheney's office.

Friday Hound Blogging

Man. It's got to be tough being an overlord. There's the continual buzzing in your head, the confusion over which shoe goes on which foot (well, for those who have shoes that is) and constantly forgetting which side of the door is the one that opens.

And if that's not bad enough, those pesky animal rights whackos just won't leave you alone.

The battle over greyhound racing is being joined again in Massachusetts, as a proposed ban makes its way toward a November ballot vote - a redux of 2000. "Well, I don't know anything about red dux," said George Carney, owner of Raynham Park. "But Greyhounds are born to run, and the race dogs are treated better than most house pets."

Yeah. People often tell us they kill their pets when they get tired of them.

Once again, Raynham Park is ground zero in the battle.The park, a sprawling racing and entertainment complex on Route 138 about a mile from Interstate 495, is the state's busiest and most successful racetrack.

Umm...there are only two tracks in Massachusetts.

The state's other dog track, Wonderland Park in Revere, operates only half the year.

The principal complaints against the local tracks are injuries to dogs during races and confinement of the dogs in kennels for long periods. At Raynham Park in 2006, there were 79 reported injuries, most commonly broken bones. Dogs sometimes collide with each other or hit the wall when going around the quarter-mile oval.

Supporters of dog racing point out that injuries are a part of every sport. And Carney emphasizes that at his track, "every dog is taken care of. Erm...that didn't come out right."

Raynham Selectman Donald L. MacKinnon said he disagrees with arguments of the dog racing opponents but thinks their odds of winning probably are improving. "If you put a thing on the ballot enough, it's going to happen," MacKinnon said. "Especially if it's the right thing to do."

Carney has vowed to fight the dog racing petition and is lobbying on Beacon Hill for slot machines. He also said he plans to submit a proposal for a casino. "Look, if I can't make money off of people who don't mind exploiting animals, I need to have a shot at those people who think they're one quarter slot machine away from being millionaires."

Carney said he probably will sue to try to keep it off the ballot. "The last thing greyhound racing needs is to be put to a vote," he said.

He's right about that. Too bad dogs can't vote, huh Dinky?

Dinky is adorable and will do full body wags when she greets people. When really happy, she will run and jump into your arms. She likes to bring all the stuffies into her crate to nuzzle. She gets very excited when she plays with her toys and will be a good dog for kids over 6. She loves to spend time in the yard exploring and hunting squirrels. She will pull herself into your lap for affection; she really wants to get right on your lap. Dinky would do best in a home with children over age 6, as she tends to be a bit bouncy. She would be fine as an only dog or with other large breed dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mr Shortpants update: Mr. Short Pants AKA Tyler is really relaxed. He’s very good with the stairs now and he is a little more playful. Being a Second Chance dog, he worked toward his Second Chance Obedience Training certificate and received getting regular obedience training.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Econ 101, Or, You Going To Finish That Chicken Bone?

Full disclosure: We're not economists. Don't even play them on the teevee. We're pretty sure it doesn't matter anyway because by the time Bush leaves office the economy will have collapsed into a dystopian nightmare of roving bands of lawless, merciless hunter gatherers, burrowing desperately through the collapsed and abandoned infrastructure and fighting each other over old KFC buckets. And no American Idol.

We're OK with this though, because we've already downloaded several plans for the construction of distilling equipment and we're fast becoming experts on the cultivation of wheat and rye grains.

None of this stops politicians from promising nirvana is just around the corner though, if we just put in place a couple of tweaks to the already most awesome, A number one, bestest, Always Low Prices, Blue Light Special Buygasm that is America. Let's look at John McCain's contribution

Republican presidential candidate John McCain proposed an economic stimulus plan that would lower the corporate income tax rate and provide a host of other tax breaks for business.

See, this is the part we don't get. If the economy goes in the crapper because people can't afford life's little truffles, like say, oh we don't know, houses and stuff, then why not give tax cuts to them instead of to the businesses that make the things people can't buy?

"My plan will cut taxes, spur investment and innovation and make American business more competitive in the global marketplace," McCain said "You people here in America? You're shopped out. Old market. Now China, that's where the money is."

Ah. Oh. Well, thanks for clearing that up for us. Still, shouldn't you at least pretend you care about, say the 47 million people in the country without health insurance? Couldn't just throw a couple of bucks their way just to, you know, keep the dead from piling up on the streets?

The plan would also establish a permanent research and development tax credit and allow tax breaks for equipment and technology investment.

OK. Well, we all have to have our priorities. After all, there are CEO salaries to be paid. but really, since there are more people than CEO's and since you're supposed to be president of all the people, not just the CEO's, wouldn't it make economic sense to drip a little of the gravy on their shirts too?

McCain's plan does not contain tax relief for individuals.

Man. Economics is just to complicated for us. Pass the Alcoholmeter, will you?

Michigan! Don't Hate The Playa, Hate The Game

You're Welcome.

Michigan! Motto: We Ain't No New Hampshire

Today is primary day in Michigan and we're like totes excited. OK no we're not, in fact we're a little annoyed. Last night we had a twenty minute conversation with a robo-call from TEH HUCKABEEZ!!1!!. We wondered why we couldn't get a word in edgewise, but in our defense we have to say the call did come towards the end of the cocktail hour.

Today on our way to work we were accosted by the Tards of Paul and everywhere we look the smiling countenance of Mitt the Benevolent gazes down upon us. All this would be halfway tolerable if Michigan's primary actually meant something. Yeah, yeah we know, Mitt has to win here or...or what? He has to win here or he has to win somewhere else. Look, the guy has enough money to set up his own country and run for president there if he wants to. He's not dropping out of the race just because no one votes for him.

The democrats in Michigan were bad, bad boys and girls and did not do what their DNC overlords wanted, so they made Edwards and Obama take their names out of contention and refused to let Hillary campaign in the state even though her name is on the ballot. To strike back against the empire the rebels are proposing that everyone go and vote uncommitted.

Guys. If we stay home and watch Judge Judy reruns, how much more uncommitted can we be?

The other plan is for all the democrats to go and vote for Romney instead to mess with the republicans. Hey, have you been paying attention at all? The republicans don't need anyone's help to screw up. You have an empty suit, a fossil, a guy who believes Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs, another fossil, and a racist running for president. You think these guys need help being idiots?

Oh, and Duncan Hunter, whoever he is.

So if you ask us, the whole let's make Michigan relevant by moving our primary up and making the taxpayers cover the cost deal has not turned out to be the resounding success the democrats and republicans had hoped it would be. Well, except for that whole getting us to pay for it thing.

Hey George Bush. Now That You've Wrecked America, What Are You Going To Do Next?

Hey, president Bush is out of the country. Now's the time to change all the locks.

Demonizing Iran, threatening Mideast peace and giving lip service to democracy in the region topped the agenda for President Bush during talks with the country that was home to most of the 9/11 terrorists, Saudi Arabia. Bush's first visit to the kingdom came as his administration notified Congress of its intent to sell $20 billion in weapons, including precision-guided bombs, to the Saudis.

Yes sir, because nothing says we want peace like precision guided bombs.

It is "a pretty big package, lots of pieces," national security adviser Stephen Hadley told reporters on Air Force One. "You got your introduce more weapons into an already tense situation piece, your give those weapons to folks who don't like us much anyway piece, your inflame tensions piece, oh and best of all, your clueless president piece."

The sale is an important part of the U.S. strategy to bolster the defenses of its Arab allies in Saudi Arabia and other oil-producing majority Sunni Muslim Gulf nations against threats from Shiite Iran. "I hasten to add to our friends in Iraq that taking sides with the Sunnis over the Shi'a in no way means we are taking the side of the Sunnis over the Shi'a," Hadley said.

Bush also has promoted democratic principles during his trip. "I've pretty much wrecked our democracy," Bush told the assembled dignitaries, "So now it's up to you folks here in all these kingdoms and Emirates and countries ruled by families to keep democracy alive. Hey, can women drive cars here yet? That could be a start."

The president grinned and tapped his foot out of time as a group of girls stepped rhythmically to Arabic music, their long hair swinging from shoulder to shoulder. The light rain that fell during Bush's arrival did not dampen the mood, as rain is considered here to be good luck during the visit of a foreign leader. "So rain is good luck?" the president asked King Abdullah. "Wait until I get home and tell the people in New Orleans how lucky they've been these last couple of years."

Bush then had lunch with students of the Dubai School of Government, a research and teaching institution that focuses on public policy in the Arab world. The president and his hosts sat on cushions, set in a circle, their food in bowls on the carpeted floor before them. "I used to eat on the floor in college too," the president told the students. "But that was mostly because I was too drunk to stand up."

"I'm most impressed with what I've seen here. The entrepreneurial spirit is strong, and equally importantly, the desire to make sure all aspects of society have hope and encouragement hardly exists at all," Bush later told a gathering of entrepreneurs and others affiliated with a young leaders' group.

"I also want you to understand something about America — that we respect you. Don't listen to what our leaders say. We respect your fake religion and we want to work together for the sake of oil and trade," Bush told the group.

Dubai has a powerful Iranian business community, and the West, led by the United States, is cracking down on business in and out of Iran. Dubai is caught in the middle — eager to maintain its lucrative business with Iran, but wary of angering the United States and the United Nations. So naturally Bush used a speech in Dubai to criticize Iran, branding it "the world's leading state-sponsor of terror."

"The president is focusing on diplomacy as his term comes to an end," Hadley told reporters.

Friday Hound Blogging

We've written many times about the impression we have that greyhound racing isn't exactly a growth industry. Why do we have that impression you ask? Oh we don't know, perhaps because of this, or this, or this. Through it all though, the overlords have kept the faith. If by keeping the faith you mean totally deluding themselves. Now however it seems some cracks are forming in their cheery facade.

A battle between an 85-year-old owner of racing greyhounds and Palm Beach County's only dog track spilled over into court this week. Angry that track officials last year banned her from the grounds, Jan Barker Paisley sued the Palm Beach Kennel Club, claiming it illegally yanked her owner credentials in retaliation for her complaints about safety issues at the club on Belvedere Road.

At first we wondered about the efficacy of Ms. Paisley's strategy of suing her fellow overlords, since zero plus zero is still zero, but hey, it's not like there's anything more interesting going on, what with the writers' strike and all, so let's listen in.

Paisley claims in the lawsuit that as a regular at races for 50 years and a greyhound owner since 1985, the kennel club's action deprived her of her "one passion in life, watching her dogs race and caring for them." When it was pointed out that was two passions, Ms. Paisley replied that the racing part was really what she meant. "I threw in that caring part in case there are any animal rights whackos out there."

The stage for the suit was set when track officials had sheriff's deputies remove the Lake Worth resident from the clubhouse for trespassing. "She was interfering with the other customers," said a track spokesperson. "OK, the other customer, but what if someone else had stopped in?"

When she returned the next day, she was detained and led off the grounds. "We're pretty sure she was just lost, but we didn't want to take any chances," the spokesperson said.

Although she still owns at least one dog that races at the track, she has been unable to attend races as she has for roughly a half-century, said her attorney, Larry Bray. "I think it's pretty obvious my client doesn't have a lot going for her," he added.

In the lawsuit, Paisley claims track officials were angry over her repeated assertions that dips in the track and the absence of pads on track rails were causing dogs to get injured. Two of her dogs, Tips of Gold and Hornpopperharry, were forced to retire last year due to injuries, she says in the lawsuit. "Well, of course lack of safety protocols causes dogs to get injured," said a track spokesperson. "What's your point?"

Track General Manager Arthur Laughlin wasn't available for comment because he fell while walking the track before a race and broke his leg.

Bet you'd like to send him a get well card, huh Joe?

Joe is very loving, affectionate, curious, confident, easygoing, and calm. He gives hugs and kisses to show affection. He looks funny sometimes because he walks while he tries to scratch himself. This Florida boy is also afraid of the snow! He romps around the house, running from one area to the other. He’s playful and loves to go for walks. He’s sweet and listens well. Joe would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. He does well with other dogs but would probably be okay as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Mr Shortpants update: Mr. Short Pants AKA Tyler is a sweetheart he is a very “dog-like” greyhound. He loves to go outside and play, even when the weather is cold. He loves to play. He plays tug a war with the other dogs and catches balls. He is a big love. He looks like he has short pants on with his coloring. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Florida! The Best Education The18th Century Can Provide

We're coming to you today from the Get It Through Your Thick Head Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. GITYTH is a wholly owned subsidy of the What Part Of No Don't You Understand Corporation in partnership with When Donkeys Fly, Inc.

Now, this isn't the first time we've had to do this, so we'd appreciate it is you'd put down your Jesus action figure and PAY ATTENTION!!!1!! First, do the words Dover, Pennsylvania mean anything? You remember. It was in all the papers. Well, except for the papers in Kansas and Texas apparently, but no matter, the point is the general populace, and particularly the judicial system is not impressed by the voices inside your head.

To some Floridians, introducing the word ''evolution'' into state science-education standards would be a needed step into the 21st century. Others urged state education officials to give other theories of the origin of life equal space and let students decide what to believe "because everyone knows that 14 year olds are excellent decision makers," said one parent of a girl who appeared to be about six months pregnant.

The proposed standards contain instructions on how evolution should be taught, beginning in kindergarten. The draft declares: "Evolution is the fundamental concept underlying all of biology and is supported by multiple forms of scientific evidence.''

"What are you going to believe?" asked a parent. "The evidence of science or what it says in the bible? God put all that stuff on earth to test our faith."

''Do we want Florida to be the laughingstock of the United States, like Tennessee was at one time, because we teach creationism alongside evolution?'' asked J. Alan Beech, 80, who teaches at Miami Dade College's north campus.

"People have laughed at me all my life, responded West Palm Beach parent Laura Lopez, who wore a shirt saying ''Don't Condone What God Condemns. "People's own belief doesn't negate the reality that the earth was created by God,'' she said.

When it was pointed out that she may have that backwards because religion was about belief and science was about reality she said it really didn't matter which way it goes "as long as I don't have to think about it too much. I get headaches.".

Oscar Howard Jr., superintendent of the 3,300-student Taylor County Public Schools near Tallahassee, drove nine hours to speak against the new standards. His district's five-member school board had unanimously voted to oppose them about a month ago. ''We do not believe that evolution is a fact,'' he said. "It should be taught as a theory along with other theories.''

When it was pointed out that evolution was taught as a theory, a scientific theory based on facts Howard replied that he didn't want to be confused by "all that high falutin' educational stuff" and "neither do students."

In the past few months, thousands have commented on the proposed standards on a state website. The vast majority of comments have favored the teaching of evolution. "That's just because a lot of us don't write so good," said Ms. Lopez.

Debate in Florida echoes that in Texas, which is preparing a similar revision of its science-education standards. And it also reflects a nationwide split: A Gallup Poll in June showed that 53 percent of Americans questioned believe in evolution, while 44 percent do not.

OK, maybe there is a problem with schools in this country.

Romney Beats Huckabee in NH. Oh, There's Some Old Guy Too

OK, so the citzens have had two chances to make a choice* and twice Mitt has lost...er...excuse us...twice he's been the first runner up winner. Last week Iowans thought a guy who believes Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs was better suited to be president than he was, and yesterday the voters of New Hampshire picked the last remaining Civil War veteran as their choice over him.

People, people, people. Let's get with the program here. Mitt's spending so much money on this campaign he has to win if for no other reason than by November he'll be totally broke and probably need a place to live. It's the duty of every upright American citizen to vote for him. Also, he's had every opinion that every upright American citizen has had, so there must be something you and Mitt agree on.

Romney's team downplayed the loss and the former Massachusetts governor forecasted later victories would still bring him the GOP nomination. "Look, he's white, rich, male and he tells you what you want to hear. When are you going to realize that's all there is to a republican candidate?" a Romney aide asked reporters.

After back-to-back second-place showings in Iowa and New Hampshire, Romney's campaign will move to Michigan next week to try and purchase a much-needed victory. "We figure if worse comes to worst, Utah will be a turnaround state for us," said a campaign aide. "Unless that Huckabee guy converts."

"It'll be much more difficult to come back from two defeats in two states he should have won by any measure," says Costos Panagopoulos, director of the Fordham College Center for Electoral Politics and Democracy in New York City. "Romney needs a win to validate his campaign efforts, his huge on-the-ground structure, his millions spent in ads," Panagopoulos said. "Of course having a position and keeping it for more than twenty minutes would probably help too."

Second place might not be good enough in the eyes of the news media, either, and Romney could be painted as on the way out, said Rich Hanley, director of graduate journalism programs at Quinnipiac University in Connecticut. "Plus, as we all know, the next president will really be chosen by Chris Matthews."

Kirk Jowers, a Romney supporter and friend and head of the University of Utah's Hinckley Institute of Politics, says the loss puts a lot of pressure on the campaign to take Michigan's primary. But, he adds, "On the positive side, Romney has the best organization throughout the states. He has the most money and the most comprehensive battle plan to win. On the negative side, he has no positions, no platform and no beliefs, so it's just about a wash."

"Romney is the one candidate who has not put all of his chips on one state," Jowers said. The fact he is willing to compete in every state makes him far less vulnerable than the media would like to portray. Of course the fact that only people who don't watch the news vote for him is a bit of a drawback, but I'm sure the Romney campaign is working on that."

*We don't count Wyoming because only 12 people showed up and eight of them were drunk.

You Don't Really Have To Win To Win, As Long As You Win

OK, so last week we favored you with our predictions for the Iowa Caucus which turned out pretty well. Sure we totally messed up the Republican side, and it turns out Obama actually won the caucus and not his book as we had predicted, but Edwards came in second and we got that right which puts us in the same league as Bill Kristol, so we're feeling pretty good about now.

This week, however we thought instead of a blanket projection we'd focus in on a single candidate and give you, our reader(s), the benefit of our high powered analytical skills closely focused on a single campaign.

Or we could just pile on Hillary Clinton.

Her front-runner status gone, Democrat Hillary Clinton said she will continue to battle for her party's nomination for the November U.S. presidential election even if Barack Obama doesn't have an "accident" on his way to a campaign rally.

Now what could have happened to upset the apple cart so dramatically in Senator Clinton's campaign? It's got to be the positions of the two candidates, right? We mean, what with all the press coverage and what not, the divergence in their views has got to be out there for all to see. Right Benjamin Ginsberg, a political science professor at Johns Hopkins University in Baltimore? "It's Wal-Mart and Kmart - they're occupying the same space."

Oh, well then. Must be the boobies.

Obama, a senator from Illinois bidding to make history as the first black U.S. president, has been capitalizing on his surprise win in the Iowa caucuses. "Oh, yeah. Obama's 'black' like Hillary's a 'woman.'" said a Clinton campaign aide. "OK, that didn't come out right."

Got it. Where's the white guy when you need him?

And While You're Praying? Keep Your Hands Where We Can See Them

We've mentioned before that we spent several of our formative years under the benevolent, if somewhat alcohol soaked gaze of the Catholic School System. And for those of you keeping score at home, no we were not asked by good Father McFeely to polish the holy rod of salvation and save the pagan babies who had died without benefit of being able to drop one of those little collection envelopes into the plate.

Hey, if we'd been able to get in on some of that sweet, sweet pervy payoff, you think we'd be hanging out in this neighborhood?

We had the misfortune of being pastored by a bunch of juice heads. We suspect though, that the attention they didn't direct our way was lavished on the local convent. We always wondered why Sister Regilina Angelica Corpus Mundum was suddenly "reassigned" to Alaska in the middle of the school year and Father Mack left soon after for "missionary work."

Well, be that as it may, the church's troubled times have now come to and end because the pope has decided to corral the diffuse potential of all the Babushkas who sit in the back pews during mass saying rosaries and unleash their madd prayer skillz on the big guy in a coordinated attempt to get him to convince the boys with the backward collars to keep it in their pants.

Pope Benedict XVI has instructed Roman Catholics to pray “in perpetuity” to cleanse the Church of pedophile clergy. All dioceses, parishes, monasteries, convents and seminaries will be expected to organize continuous daily prayers to express penitence and to purify the clergy. "See, we figure if there's someone always around praying, then there'll always be someone around to keep an eye on these guys," said one Vatican official who asked not to be named.

Vatican officials said that every parish or institution should designate a person or group each day to conduct continuous prayers for the Church to rid itself of the scandal of sexual abuse by clergy. "It was either that, or make everyone a member of the choir, if you get my drift," said the official.

The instruction was sent to bishops by Cardinal Cláudio Hummes of Brazil, head of the Vatican Congregation for Total Abstinence by the Clergy and This Time We Really Mean It. He told L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, that he was acting in the Pope’s name. The Pope wanted Catholics to pray for the “mercy of God for the victims of the grave situations caused by the huge payouts courts are awarding because of a very small part of the clergy,” he said. "Maybe I should have said a very small number of individuals within the population of clergy," he added. "Not that I have any personal knowledge of the clergy's parts. Small or otherwise."

Officials said that the prayers were so the church could divert attention from legal action against pedophile priests by their victims and a code adopted two years ago by the Vatican to try to ensure that men “with deep-seated homosexual tendencies” do not enter seminaries to train for the priesthood. "And yes, we know there isn't necessarily a connection between pedophiles and homosexuals, but we're not real fond of Broke Back mountain in the Rectory either," Cardinal Hummes said.

Cardinal Hummes said that the aim was to put a definitive stop to a scandal that had damaged the financial situation of the Church and forced US archdioceses, including Boston and Los Angeles, to pay millions of dollars in compensation to the victims. "Ladies in the back row, we're counting on you. Wear those rosary beads down to little nubbins," he said.

When the pedophile scandal erupted in Boston five years ago, Pope Benedict XVI accused the media of exaggerating the crisis. "Hey, it worked for Foley." an aide to the pope said.

A month later he lifted the legal protection that the Vatican had given to Father Marcial Maciel, the Mexican founder of the Friendly Uncles of Christ, who was accused of sexual abuse of youngsters while disguised as a Mime. Maciel was banned from saying Mass or speaking in public except at soccer matches. "Guess we showed him," a spokesperson told reporters.

The Pope, who is preparing an encyclical on the social effects of globalisation, gave a homily at St Peter’s on the feast of the Epiphany in which he deplored the West’s “search for excess and the superfluous.” When asked what that had to do with pedophile priests, a spokesperson explained that the Church was beginning a new appraoch to the problem of pedophile priests. "What is it you Americans call it? 9/11! 9/11!"

Friday Hound Blogging

Ah, a brand new year, fresh, hopeful, brimming with potential and possibility. Even the overlords, who are usually more concerned with the mundane, like screens on the windows of the trailer, or indoor plumbing, are swept up in the moment and dare to dream. Perhaps the increased amount of lead coming into this country in the form of toys from China will sufficiently lower the national IQ and people will once again return to the dog tracks. Perhaps the people that voted twice for George Bush will look for another pastime now that his terms draws to a close. We must prepare! The cry goes out. We must have hope!

Of course, life is not so easily swayed by the dreams of even the most delusional of third grade dropouts.

A contract dispute between Camptown Greyhound Park and the Kansas Lottery has halted construction of the Frontenac racetrack, which plans to operate slot machines along with dog racing. Kevin Allis, general manager of Camptown, said, "We are optimistic that a deal is going to get done," he said. "We're not giving up yet. After all, the magic eight ball we use for our business plan said 'Outlook good.'"

Lottery spokeswoman Sally Lunsford said she couldn't discuss specifics of ongoing contract negotiations, but added, "We don't consider the negotiations have broken down. There just seems to be a misunderstanding. Our plans call for a mini mall. I'm not sure where they got the idea we were going to reopen the dog track. Maybe they saw the plans for the pet shop or something."

Allis said the track would lose about $1.5 million a year to run dog racing, but that amount would be offset by the slot revenues. "The future looks bright," he added. "Well, if you don't include the dogs."

Yeah. Bright futures are busting out all over. Just ask the folks in Florida.

The Corpus Christi Greyhound Race Track, which opened its doors nearly 20 years ago, is now in its final hours of operation. "It's the overall expense of running the track," said Rick Pimentel, who is the general manager. "Operating cost. With you not making what you're not making in handel, you can't cover your expenses as well. See, it's high finance stuff. You wouldn't understand. Say could you lend me a fiver until Saturday?"

Sorry, we don't carry cash. What about you Oasis?

Oasis is a friendly girl. She is playful and attentive and she responds well to commands. She is a quick learner and she loves to be around people. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Oasis would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance for Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Mr. Shortpants update: Mr. Shortpants has found his way to his foster home in southeast Michigan where he will have a full medical examination, teeth cleaning, neutering (well, adoption isn't perfect, but it's better than the alternative) and begin the search for his permanent couch.

The Ironicus Maximus Iowa Caucus Prediction Post

We're coming to you today from the Future of Democracy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The FoD Department is right across from the Office of What Did We Do To Deserve This Company, a wholly owned subsidy of Let's All Move To Belize, Inc.

Like it or not today is caucus day in Iowa (motto: Why Else Would You Come?) and as a public service we thought it would be useful to supply you with the results so you can skip the news and get right to the Stoli. Oh wait, that's us. So, without further ado, the results, all summed up concisely and without the complication of rational thought--just the way voters like it.

The Democrats

Barak Obama: Obviously not in jail or college so does not truly qualify as a black man. Still endorsement by Oprah means his book will will win the caucus.

Hillary Clinton: Invented Al Gore who then invented the Lockbox in which is stored health care for reservists. Will not win in Iowa but will leave Bill stranded at a Marriot in Ottumwa much to the delight of the participants in the Miss Ida County Holstein Kickoff Parade Queen Contest.

John Edwards: Will come in second in Iowa but will miss his flight to New Hampshire while getting a haircut. Later, will come across Tucker Carlson outside a gay bar in Ossipee and beat him senseless with his own umbrella.

Remaining Democrats: Decide to carpool to New Hampshire and are lost in a blizzard outside Minonk, Illinois. The press doesn't notice until May when a rumor surfaces that Kucinich has been kidnapped by the Zeta Reticuli.

The Republicans

Mitt Romney: In a surprise that causes several polling companies to go out of business, Romney wins the caucus handily, but tragically is set upon by a pack of Irish Setters on his way back from his victory party, strapped to the top of a stolen animal control van and driven to Canada where, according to Customs Requirements, he must be quarantined until after the election.

Mike Huckabee: Surprisingly poor showing due to the fact that Huckabee supporters report being stopped at their doors on the way to the caucus by the angel Gabriel and given to believe Huckabee might be a murderer. Later it was determined the "angels" were really Pakistani Police investigating why Huckabee had apologized for the Bhutto assassination, but by that time the caucus was over. Officials of the Pakistani police later apologized for the misunderstanding and promised that agents operating in the United States would wear western style clothes henceforth.

John McCain: Makes a strong second place showing, but decides to leave politics and pursue a singing career. His first album, Straight Talking War Hero produces only one hit, his cover of Neil Young's Old Man.

Rest of the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani and Ron Paul move their campaigns into Second Life where the Ron Paul blimp attempts to recreate the 9/11 attack but Mayor Giuliani, foils the attack by lashing himself to the north Tower and refusing to leave, even after 5:00 pm when all the police and firemen go home. Sends NYPD to pick up his girlfriend so she can bring him fruitcake which he vows to survive on until Osama bin Laden is captured. Meanwhile Fred Thompson admits he thought his whole campaign was an episode of Law and Order. "I've got to pay more attention at rehearsals," the chagrined former candidate told reporters.

I Called You All Here Today To Tell You I'm Not Going To Call My Opponent A Poopyhead

You know, politics in this country has gotten kind of boring. We mean, there's only so many ways you can avoid talking about issues that matter by calling your opponent a homo lover, or a terrorist enabler, or a godless atheist Wiccan virgin sacrificer. Sooner or later, you're going to run out of charges that don't start with Yo momma so ugly...

Which is why we're pleased to see that Mike-God likes me best neener neener neener-Huckabee has instituted a whole new approach to Who Cares What My Position Is, The Other Guy's a Muslim Lover strategy. It's the Evil Spock campaign.

Former Arkansas Gov. Mike Huckabee aired a negative ad campaign against former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney to a room full of reporters and camera crews in Iowa today -- then announced he had pulled it from paid airwaves.

OK, first of all, how could you "pull" and ad you never put on, but let's not quibble. This is a masterstroke of campaign strategy worthy of General Chang, if not the great Kahn himself. See, every great leader needs little people to do his dirty work so he can remain all leaderly and stuff. And who is more little or more dirty than the press? They're like sand people or something. Oops, think we just mixed our metaphor, but you get the point.

The ad, which Huckabee unveiled in front of a banner that said, "Enough is Enough," questioned Romney's record on immigration, tax reform, crime fighting, animal rights, and healthcare. But Huckabee, who denounced political attack ads, said that he hoped the negative ad produced by his own campaign would not be aired publicly. "Instead I want you guys to get it out on the intertubes for me. Anybody got one of them video phone thingys?" Huckabee asked.

During the press conference with more than 100 reporters, Huckabee was asked if he thought Romney was fit to be president. "Voters can make that decision," he said. "It's not my place to make that decision. But after you guys show them this ad for me, I think it's pretty obvious who god wants in the White House."

"What kind of stupid game is he playing?" said the campaign insider, who did not want to be identified questioning Huckabee's strategy. "To me it's just nuts. I don't understand it."

Umm...Huckabee? Nuts? You're surprised by that?

The advertisement was intended to run after internal debate and a decision that Huckabee needed to respond to the beating he was taking from Romney. "He finally agreed that he wouldn't take it lying down," said the insider.

Oh now that's just too easy, even for us.

"We all can talk about changing the tone of this blog and the direction and the way we write our posts. And sometimes we talk about it and then we end up doing the same things and at some point we have to decide, can we change the kind of blogging and the level of discourse and so we've got to believe that we can but it's got to start somewhere and so it might as well start here and it might as well start with us."

Therefore we will not make the easy homosexual double entendre based on what the insider said about Huckabee's decision. But we will present the remark below so you, the reader, can see what we would have written had we not decided to not write what we wrote:

Well, we already knew that Huck was a dom inionist.

Oh, and don't tell anyone we wrote that out here on the internets where no one can read it or anything.