We Didn't Realize The Mad Max Movies Were Documentaries

We're coming to you from the IM Central Undisclosed Location today. We're down here (or maybe up here, we're not saying) doing a pre-apocalypse inventory. Not that we're anticipating the total disintegration of social order, a floundering impotent central government and the ultimate collapse of the national infrastructure. No, not a bit. Just needed to clear a little brush away from the barbed wire, that's all. Nothing to worry about, right Mr. president?

President George W. Bush forecast the U.S. budget deficit would more than double in 2008 and blamed a weakening economy as he unveiled a $3.1 trillion spending plan for fiscal 2009. "If I were you, I'd learn to live off the land," the president told reporters.

The White House projections were immediately criticized by both Democratic and Republican lawmakers who said the numbers may gloss over the full extent of the fiscal deterioration. "We're talking roving gangs of hunger crazed, heavily armed soccer moms gone bad," said one republican senator who asked not to be named.

With the economy teetering on the brink of a recession, Bush said the deficit would reach $410 billion for the budget year 2008 that ends on September 30 and $407 billion for fiscal 2009 that begins on October 1. "We're just hoping order can be maintained in the cities until the president's term is over," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "If you live in a rural area, or a blue state, you're on your own."

Bush, after meeting with his Cabinet, said, "The budget protects America and encourages economic growth. Congress needs to pass it, but not until I'm in Paraguay."

The budget makes military spending and the Iraq war its centerpiece, proposing a 7.5 percent increase for the Pentagon to $515 billion. On top of that Bush also sought $70 billion more for the conflicts in Iraq and Afghanistan. "Well, look, we figure gas will be $12 a gallon and most Americans will be out of work, so we won't need many domestic programs," Perino told reporters.

While some Republican legislators were drunk enough to welcome the budget, New Hampshire senator Judd Gregg, the senior republican on the Senate Budget Committee, was scathing, saying it lacked credibility. When asked if he had expected 'credibility' from the Bush administration, the senator grinned sheepishly and responded, "Oops. My bad."

A promised $150 billion stimulus package of tax rebates meant to jolt the economy away from recession will also add to the deficit. "Yeah, but we're hoping everyone will just use the money to get drunk, and not think about that," Perino said. "It's what we do."

Wait, you're talking about a Stoli subsidy. Hang on, we'll be right down (or up, we're not saying).

Econ 101, Or, You Going To Finish That Chicken Bone?

Full disclosure: We're not economists. Don't even play them on the teevee. We're pretty sure it doesn't matter anyway because by the time Bush leaves office the economy will have collapsed into a dystopian nightmare of roving bands of lawless, merciless hunter gatherers, burrowing desperately through the collapsed and abandoned infrastructure and fighting each other over old KFC buckets. And no American Idol.

We're OK with this though, because we've already downloaded several plans for the construction of distilling equipment and we're fast becoming experts on the cultivation of wheat and rye grains.

None of this stops politicians from promising nirvana is just around the corner though, if we just put in place a couple of tweaks to the already most awesome, A number one, bestest, Always Low Prices, Blue Light Special Buygasm that is America. Let's look at John McCain's contribution

Republican presidential candidate John McCain proposed an economic stimulus plan that would lower the corporate income tax rate and provide a host of other tax breaks for business.

See, this is the part we don't get. If the economy goes in the crapper because people can't afford life's little truffles, like say, oh we don't know, houses and stuff, then why not give tax cuts to them instead of to the businesses that make the things people can't buy?

"My plan will cut taxes, spur investment and innovation and make American business more competitive in the global marketplace," McCain said "You people here in America? You're shopped out. Old market. Now China, that's where the money is."

Ah. Oh. Well, thanks for clearing that up for us. Still, shouldn't you at least pretend you care about, say the 47 million people in the country without health insurance? Couldn't just throw a couple of bucks their way just to, you know, keep the dead from piling up on the streets?

The plan would also establish a permanent research and development tax credit and allow tax breaks for equipment and technology investment.

OK. Well, we all have to have our priorities. After all, there are CEO salaries to be paid. but really, since there are more people than CEO's and since you're supposed to be president of all the people, not just the CEO's, wouldn't it make economic sense to drip a little of the gravy on their shirts too?

McCain's plan does not contain tax relief for individuals.

Man. Economics is just to complicated for us. Pass the Alcoholmeter, will you?

A Public Service Announcement From The Staff at Ironicus Maximus

Every once in a while we like to take a little time out from heaping boatloads o' funny on your scrawny reader behinds and do some good for the community. Other times we do this:

SELL EVERYTHING YOU CAN, INCLUDING THE CHILDREN AND THE DOG, COVERT IT TO GOLD AND MOVE TO A CAVE BELIZE

Now, you may wonder why this little piece of advice is relevant. You may say, "Ironicus, what would cause you to proffer such a suggestion as this?" You may inquire of your neighbor, "Neighbor, do you know Ironicus has advocated a totally panicked, spittle flecked, wild eyed flight from hearth and home?" To which your neighbor would reply "Ironicus? What's that?"

All worthy questions and deserving of answers, but time is of the essence here. That distant rumble you hear is the approach of Catastrophe. The Four Horsemen have been loosed; the seventh seal broken; Pandora's box has not only been opened, it has been turned upside down and shaken.

Ladies and gentlemen, George Bush has taken the measure of our economy...and pronounced it well.

Yes, Mr. WMD, Mr. Good Job Brownie, Mr. Iran has nukes, Mr. SCHIP is helping too many rich kids, Mr. We take care of our veterans, has applied his considerable analytic skills to the American economy and found it possessed of a strong "underpinning."

This can only mean one thing: Those unable to flee will be eaten by roving band of Jackals after the collapse.

Bush tried to position himself as an advocate for working families by taking aim at his favorite target: the Democratic Congress. "The Congress cannot take economic vitality for granted," Bush said. "Especially with someone like me in the White House. You think what I did to New Orleans was special? You ain't seen nothing yet."

"The most negative thing Congress can do in the face of economic uncertainty is to raise taxes on the American people," Bush said. "And by the American people I mean those who use private jets to go to the store for a pack of cigarettes."

Bush chose to highlight positive economic news, such as job growth. "People are working; productivity is high," Bush said. "Of course salaries are crap, and health benefits are disappearing faster than a page at a republican caucus, but hey, no plan is perfect."

"I just want to let you know we've got a strategy," the president said. "I developed it along with my Iraq strategy, my plan to rebuild New Orleans, and my policy for dealing with Iran."

Bush spoke at the Yak-A-Doo's restaurant inside a Holiday Inn. The White House wanted to keep the flavor of the local Rotary meeting and throw off the protesters, so there was no banner or backdrop. Bush was not even introduced because the people on the dais were all drunk; he just showed up, drawing a round of applause until the audience realized he wasn't the impressionist who had been scheduled as the luncheon entertainment.