The Union's In Quite A State

You know, the day after Christmas eve is a holiday, the day after new year's eve is a holiday and the day after the super bowl is a holiday. We think the day after SOTUS should be a holiday as well. How much work actually gets done when the entire nation is basking in the afterglow of the masterful speechifications of the Explainerator in Chief, who has once again--and with language that soars in rhetorical flights approaching the conversation of angels--led us from the valley of looming despair up the wind kissed sides of the coruscating mount of the future, asked us to gaze out on the fields of amaranth and be not afraid of the baleful, howl of the wolf. Be not afraid because he is with us, and even though that wolf may prowl to our very doorstep, his hand will forever protect and guide us, for we are his children all.

Well, that and the hangovers.

But even for those people who watched the speech sober we still think that a national day of reflection and contemplation is in order because, as always, the president has given us a lot to think about. For example in Iraq:

"The Iraqis launched a surge of their own . . . and today, this grass-roots surge includes more than 80,000 Iraqi citizens who are fighting the terrorists.

Yay! Those plucky Iraqis. We knew they'd come through. After all, what's more important than national pride?

The citizens Bush mentioned are actually Sunni neighborhood-watch groups that have been hired by the U.S. military for $300 a month.

Well, we're sure somebody paid Benjamin Franklin when he was our ambassador in France too, so it's not like they're just doing it for the money or anything.

Military officials said they are unsure what will happen when these "citizens" are no longer paid.

Oh. Well, what are you going to do? So much of world events are beyond our control, right Mr president? Now, take the economy. There's something we can do something about, right?

"Some in Washington argue that letting tax relief expire is not a tax increase. Try explaining that to 116 million American taxpayers who would see their taxes rise by an average of $1,800. . . ."

Yeah! Right on! Let us keep the money we earn. Protect the working man, that what we're talking about!

Bush makes the potential expiration of his tax cuts sound like a big deal for the average American, but his estimate of the financial impact is skewed because the cuts have disproportionately helped the very richest citizens.

America's greatness comes from the sweat of the working man and woman's brow. That's why we need a government that...wait a minute...what?

The median American household will pay roughly $828 more in taxes in 2011 if the Bush tax cuts expire, according to the Tax Policy Center, a non-ideological think tank venture. The richest 1 percent of American households, in contrast, would have to pay an extra $64,154 a year when the tax cuts expire.

They would pay 64K just in taxes? Sweet Brioni clad Jebus in a Bugatti Veyron, if that's just their tax bill, how much are the making? And more importantly, where do we get a job like that?

Excuse us. We're going to see if there's any Stoli left in the freezer.