Monday, January 28, 2008

You Can Fail Some Of The People Some Of The Time, I Have Tried To Fail Everyone Equally

ZOMG! ZOMG! Today is SOTUS day and we don't have a thing to wear! Oh wait, all we do is sit on the couch while the president takes us on a personal tour through the looking glass. OK, so pajamas will do.

We're big fans of the president's yearly trip across the landscape of his delusions here in the Marbled Halls of IM Central, and not just because it's comforting to know there's someone out there more disconnected from reality than we are, but because these are historical events, something future generations will look back on and go WTF???!!!??!

So what does Mr. 31% have in store for us tonight?

George Bush, struggling to stay relevant in the twilight of his presidency (not that anyone is counting), delivers his final State of the Union speech tonight with an urgent new mission: heading off a U.S. recession.

Umm...would that be the same George Bush who, less than ninety days ago said, "But when they take a hard look at the statistics--and the reality--I hope it brings them some comfort to know this economy is strong and is setting all kinds of records."

See why we like this guy? Now we'll admit to a certain flair when it comes to disconnecting ourselves from the dominate space time continuum, but there's no way we could do stuff like that and not have our heads explode. The guy's a pro, that's all there is to it.

By taking credit for a bipartisan effort to enact a $150 billion stimulus program because Americans can buy themselves out of anything, he may at least partially mitigate the legacy of his previous failures to forge consensus on revamping immigration laws and overhauling Social Security.

Oh, you are far too kind. Immigration and social security were minor failures, not even in the top ten. This guy has failures that make Harold Stassen look like John Kennedy, that make Custer look like a military genius, that make the guy who invented New Coke look like a marketing wizard, that see our point. Guess what? You've lived our point for the last seven years. Yeah. Sorry to bring it up. Stoli's in the freezer.

The specter of recession gives Bush a chance to show leadership and define his final months in office through something other than the Iraq war.

If Bush's leadership on the economy is anything like his leadership on the Iraq war, prepare to sell your kids for firewood.

"Normally, these State of the Union speeches can be pretty drab,'' Leon Panetta, former chief of staff to President Bill Clinton. said. Tonight's address is different because the "the country is in deep economic crisis and Americans are looking for answers from their political leaders. But no leader could make it so we'll have to listen to Bush instead."

In his speech tonight, Bush also will make another appeal for making permanent his 2001 and 2003 tax cuts that begin to expire in 2010. "Because lord knows that when the government is running a nine trillion dollar deficit, the last thing you want to do is increase the money coming in," said White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "It's high level economics stuff. You wouldn't understand."

It remains to be seen whether Bush's speech tonight will improve his tarnished crisis-management reputation following his response to Hurricane Katrina or reverse the widespread perception that his economic policies are out of touch with the needs of average working Americans.

It also remains to be seen if donkeys will fly.

"It's an opportunity for Bush to put something on the positive side of his legacy,'' says David Kennedy, a historian at Stanford University.

Meh. Our money's on it's not happening, but on the bright side, maybe Cheney will try to strangle Pelosi...

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