And While You're Praying? Keep Your Hands Where We Can See Them

We've mentioned before that we spent several of our formative years under the benevolent, if somewhat alcohol soaked gaze of the Catholic School System. And for those of you keeping score at home, no we were not asked by good Father McFeely to polish the holy rod of salvation and save the pagan babies who had died without benefit of being able to drop one of those little collection envelopes into the plate.

Hey, if we'd been able to get in on some of that sweet, sweet pervy payoff, you think we'd be hanging out in this neighborhood?

We had the misfortune of being pastored by a bunch of juice heads. We suspect though, that the attention they didn't direct our way was lavished on the local convent. We always wondered why Sister Regilina Angelica Corpus Mundum was suddenly "reassigned" to Alaska in the middle of the school year and Father Mack left soon after for "missionary work."

Well, be that as it may, the church's troubled times have now come to and end because the pope has decided to corral the diffuse potential of all the Babushkas who sit in the back pews during mass saying rosaries and unleash their madd prayer skillz on the big guy in a coordinated attempt to get him to convince the boys with the backward collars to keep it in their pants.

Pope Benedict XVI has instructed Roman Catholics to pray “in perpetuity” to cleanse the Church of pedophile clergy. All dioceses, parishes, monasteries, convents and seminaries will be expected to organize continuous daily prayers to express penitence and to purify the clergy. "See, we figure if there's someone always around praying, then there'll always be someone around to keep an eye on these guys," said one Vatican official who asked not to be named.

Vatican officials said that every parish or institution should designate a person or group each day to conduct continuous prayers for the Church to rid itself of the scandal of sexual abuse by clergy. "It was either that, or make everyone a member of the choir, if you get my drift," said the official.

The instruction was sent to bishops by Cardinal Cláudio Hummes of Brazil, head of the Vatican Congregation for Total Abstinence by the Clergy and This Time We Really Mean It. He told L’Osservatore Romano, the Vatican newspaper, that he was acting in the Pope’s name. The Pope wanted Catholics to pray for the “mercy of God for the victims of the grave situations caused by the huge payouts courts are awarding because of a very small part of the clergy,” he said. "Maybe I should have said a very small number of individuals within the population of clergy," he added. "Not that I have any personal knowledge of the clergy's parts. Small or otherwise."

Officials said that the prayers were so the church could divert attention from legal action against pedophile priests by their victims and a code adopted two years ago by the Vatican to try to ensure that men “with deep-seated homosexual tendencies” do not enter seminaries to train for the priesthood. "And yes, we know there isn't necessarily a connection between pedophiles and homosexuals, but we're not real fond of Broke Back mountain in the Rectory either," Cardinal Hummes said.

Cardinal Hummes said that the aim was to put a definitive stop to a scandal that had damaged the financial situation of the Church and forced US archdioceses, including Boston and Los Angeles, to pay millions of dollars in compensation to the victims. "Ladies in the back row, we're counting on you. Wear those rosary beads down to little nubbins," he said.

When the pedophile scandal erupted in Boston five years ago, Pope Benedict XVI accused the media of exaggerating the crisis. "Hey, it worked for Foley." an aide to the pope said.

A month later he lifted the legal protection that the Vatican had given to Father Marcial Maciel, the Mexican founder of the Friendly Uncles of Christ, who was accused of sexual abuse of youngsters while disguised as a Mime. Maciel was banned from saying Mass or speaking in public except at soccer matches. "Guess we showed him," a spokesperson told reporters.

The Pope, who is preparing an encyclical on the social effects of globalisation, gave a homily at St Peter’s on the feast of the Epiphany in which he deplored the West’s “search for excess and the superfluous.” When asked what that had to do with pedophile priests, a spokesperson explained that the Church was beginning a new appraoch to the problem of pedophile priests. "What is it you Americans call it? 9/11! 9/11!"