We've written before about our lack of experience in the whole testosterone fueled art of slinging lead, and because of that, even though we live in a state where the ability to walk around packing heat is almost as important as belching, farting and scratching for the deportment of the manly man, we've never been particularly drawn to the fashion statement that wearing ammo belts under our sport coat makes.
Until now that is.
Forget pepper spray or concealed weapons. State Rep. Arlan Meekhof, R-Sparky Township, said he thinks Tasers should be a new option for state residents who want to protect themselves from strangers, intruders, paperboys on collection days, husbands who come home late and Jehovah's Witnesses.
Oh yeah, baby! Who needs caliber when you've got voltage! Cut me off in traffic, or steal my place in the parking lot? Get ready to do the Electric Boogaloo Bunky.
See, this is great because, like, guns leave holes in people and the authorities tend to frown on citizens who think the proper punishment for taking 13 items into the 12 items or less lane is to empty a clip in their general direction. But if you were to whip your Taser out and give them an instant perm, where's the harm?
Lt. Steve Kempker of the Ottawa County Sheriff's Office said he is unsure about the concept of citizens using Tasers. "There's concern for officer safety," he said, noting a policeman could be immobilized by a Taser and then assaulted.
Hey. Turnabout's fair play gum shoe. Besides, you guys are getting a little frisky with yours anyway. Let's level the playing field here a little. We can all get along, right?
Kempker said he also thinks the Taser could be used by people to commit crimes against regular citizens.
Hmm...Let's see. If we own the local liquor store, do we want to be robbed by a guy with a $100 a day drug habit and a Remington 1100, or by the same guy trying to figure out which end of his Taser the wires come out of? Quite the dilemma, don't you agree?
If the Taser didn't work properly, the person doing the attacking might become even more enraged, Kempker said.
OK, let's say that happens. What's he going to do, tell us to walk over to the nearest lamp and stick our finger in the socket?
Meekhof said some local people approached him about the issue. Their concerns, he said, stem from the holiday shopping season, a time when early morning sales brought many people out to the stores in the dark.
Right. How are we going to protect ourselves when we line up outside the Walmart at 4:00 a.m. for the National Eskimo Pie Patent Day sale, or the National Kazoo Day 50% Off Early Bird Special, or the National Rattlesnake Roundup Day White Sale? You're putting the economy in danger here. Jobs, man! This is about jobs. Well, jobs and watching the old lady who tried to grab that last Bend Over Elmo doll flop around like Benny Hinn just came upside her head.
Meekhof said shoppers told him that they didn't feel safe in the parking lots, especially when they had merchandise with them.
Because everybody knows how easy it is to draw and fire a Taser when you've got your arms full of 30% off Christian Dior knockoffs.
Remember, Tasers don't cause pulsating electrical output that interferes with communication between the brain and the muscular system, resulting in loss of control. People do. And if Tasers are outlawed, only outlaws will have Tasers. Well, them and the police.