Tuesday, February 28, 2006

We're From Ironicus Maximus And We're Here To Help

We don't generally like to get involved in "serious issues," particularly when those issues are about science. Not one of the subjects that made our top ten list of favorite school memories. Well, there was the hydrogen sulfide incident, but that just proves there are exceptions to every rule.

Anyway we've noticed that since the Dover PA. decision in which the judge told the school board that, not only were they not scientists, they didn't even play them on TV, those who think Adam and Eve owned Dino and not Fred and Wilma don't seem to have gotten the hint so subtly put forth by Judge Jones:

Those school officials, Jones charged, ''time and again lie[d] to cover their tracks and disguise the real purpose" behind promoting the theory of intelligent design, which he said was to promote religion. But other than that, their science was pretty believable. If you don't know anything about science.

So, as a public service to those of our readers still confused as to whether they are apes or, worse, Catholics, we offer (with the help of our friends here and here) the following conversation guide to evolution for the non-scientist, god hating fag lover and democrat. Not necessarily in that order.

They say, "Evolution is only a theory." You say, So is life after death. Want to hit the strip clubs?

They say, "If humans descended from monkeys, why are there still monkeys?" You say, someone has to watch the 700 Club.

They say, "Living cells could not have evolved from inanimate chemicals due to the Second Law of Thermodynamics." You say, that law wasn't passed until the Cretaceous age.

They say, "Mutations can only eliminate traits, not produce new features." You say, then explain the evolution from Oral Roberts through Jimmy Swaggart to Pat Robertson.

They say, "Natural selection can't explain the origin of new species." You say, sure it does, but you have to understand the separated at birth hypothesis.

They say, "Nobody has ever seen a new species evolve." You say, that's because they do it in South Dakota.

They say, "Evolutionists haven't found any transitional fossils, creatures that are half reptile half bird for example." You say, sure we have. Bill O'Reilly. Oh, wait, that's half reptile half bird brain.

If you follow this easy guide soon you will be having an scintillating intellectual discussion with someone who believes that the universe is so ultimately boring that god has nothing better to do than meddle in our politics, foreign affairs and weather. We hope this helps. You may now return to your daily activities.

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