How Do You Say "I Am Not A Crook" In Latin?

OK so popey's got himself a bit of a brouhaha, or as we like to say around here, a brouHAHAHAHAHA!! Not that we take pleasure in another person's suffering, but after all those years of saying other people's churches ain't no churches, brown religion is whack, it's everybody's fault but ours, and tell the wimmenz to shut it we have to admit to just a little sip from the jug of righteous schadenfreude when old Bene answered the knock at his door and got served with a big old subpoena to appear in the court of Karma.

Benedict's papacy has been marked until now by controversies over things he has said and done, such as his criticism of Islam at Regensburg in 2006 or his 2009 decision to readmit four excommunicated ultra-traditionalist bishops to the Church. Now a goal he has failed to achieve -- gain control over the Curia -- has come back to haunt him. Leaks of confidential documents on everything from Vatican finances to private papal audiences make his papacy look weak and disorganized.

 Now, in PopeMasta B's defense we should point out that Jesus has been pretty busy lately trying to keep Teh Gayz from destroying civilization while at the same time making sure all those government sponsored birth control sluts don't abort their fetuses before they get pregnant and trying to convince good christian folks that the Mittbot is not an alien from Kolob and even if he is, at least he's a white alien from Kolob, so just think about that for a moment while you're in that voting booth.

With all that tying up the J man you can imagine how some oversight functions might fall through the cracks as it were. We mean, god's off somewhere doing god knows what and the holy ghost, well he's no help at all being a ghost and all, so everything falls to junior. Boy, sacrifice yourself for the sins of man one time and it's like they never let you forget it, you know? But back to the pope:

The "Vatileaks" scandal has revealed, among other issues, the infighting behind the sacking of the Vatican bank president. The pope's own butler has been arrested on suspicion of stealing documents that have since been leaked to the media.

Actually, we prefer Vatigate which trips more easily off the tongue, but this is Ex Vee I's scandal so he can call it what he wants. We're more interested in who's playing the role of G Gordon Liddy anyway.

The target seems to be Italian Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone, the Vatican secretary of state (prime minister), whose critics accuse him of playing politics and blocking their efforts to stamp out corruption and cronyism in Vatican management. "We categorically deny these accusations. They are untrue, unfounded and libelous. Plus the holy father doesn't know a thing," said and spokesperson for the vatican office of corruption and cronyism who asked that his name not be used because there were still warrants open in Calabria. "Just a little mixup with a local...uh...tourist...erm...companion service, that's all. Should be cleared up any day now," he added.

The crisis, which hurts Benedict's image as a leader just as he drives an increasingly conservative line in Church policy, is as much a result of the pope's diffident management style as of the institutional dysfunction of the Curia itself. "We find these unsubstantiated rumors concerning the pope's leadership to be offensive," said a spokesperson for the vatican office of diffident management style and institutional dysfunction.

Benedict, a leading Catholic theologian in his own right, has devoted considerable time in office to writing a major study entitled "Jesus of Nazareth" rather than administering the Church. The first two volumes appeared in 2007 and 2011. "The holy father has determined that what this world needs now in these times of war, famine and widespread suffering is more books about Jesus," said a representative of the vatican book of the month club. "We'll be offering a custom boxed set for a very reasonable price when he finishes the third volume, but until then volumes one and two are available for the low low price of $39.95 each, or $78.50 for both. Uh, that's dollars, not Euros. We may be incompetent, but we're not dumb."

Benedict's aides apparently did not prepare him for the wave of sharp protests from Catholics, Jews and even German Chancellor Angela Merkel to his surprise decision in 2009 to readmit four rebel bishops to the Church after a 21-year schism. The shocked pope had to write a long letter explaining the step and admit nobody in the Curia had done an Internet search for him and seen one bishop was a notorious Holocaust denier. "We tried to tell him that 'to Google' was not a euphemism for sex with underage boys, but he was pretty gun shy if you know what I mean," said a spokesperson for the vatican IT office who added that the pope likes to listen to Boxcar Willie on his Zune. "A lot of people think this pope is old fashioned, but he's right up there with the hep cats."

Hep cats? Wasn't that a harmonica band in Yugoslavia?

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, we give the overlords a lot of grief for the way they treat the units...erm...greyhounds what with saying how important they are, and how they aren't just fur covered profit centers and how they're like family, then dumping them off on people who suffer from chronic empathy whenever they stop winning, or worse--see yesterday and here, here, here, here, here and well, you get the point--but one thing we have to say is that the overlords care about their image in the community.

Greyhound Racing New Zealand, in a promotional attempt to associate the dog racing industry with the Royal New Zealand Foundation of the Blind (RNZFB), recently offered $100 ‘donations’ to the foundations guide dog program, for each winning greyhound wearing a red coat for the month of May.

Whoa! You're pledging $100 bucks a race? Dude, you only take in about $30 a race. Pledging $100 per winning dog, how you gonna do that? Well, no matter, that's commitment right there. We mean sure, the dog that actually wins might be dead the next week if he doesn't keep winning, but $100 bucks Royal New Zealand Foundation of the Blind! Are the overlords responsible, caring socially engaged citizens or what?

The Greyhound Protection League of New Zealand and members of the public contacted the RNZFB and alerted them to the ethical concerns, namely the unnecessary deaths and injuries associated with the dog racing industry...

Wait a minute, ethical concerns? What do you mean ethical concerns? We thought John McArthur resigned after that little...uh...poppy seed misunderstanding. Could have happened to anyone. So what's your beef RNZFB?

...namely the unnecessary deaths and injuries associated with the dog racing industry as well as the international push to end greyhound racing globally.

Oh yeah, well there is that, but hey, it's all good. Just commerce, you know? Free enterprise and whatnot. So a few innocent living creatures suffer unnecessarily or have their lives meaninglessly ended, that shouldn't come between you and the overlords' public image, right?

The Foundation, one week into their promotion, chose to discontinue the partnership.

Crap. An agency with scruples. Don't you just hate it when that happens Trashyann?

Go Bon Trashyann is a little on the shy side but she is coming out of her shell. She is sweet and likes to follow her foster mom around. She is not afraid of people. She opens up quickly and is warming up a lot. She now comes out of the crate more and she wants the attention that the other dogs in the home get. She is cat and small dog safe. She would do fine in a home with other dogs or as an only dog. She would do well with older well-behaved children. She would be fine in a home with men and/or women. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Hey, Monday is the official start of drinking in the yard while the burgers burn on the grill, and you pass out but don't have to worry about freezing to death season...um...we mean summer, so let's revive an Ironicus Maximus tradition that we mostly don't remember because we're...ah...passed out in the yard? No wait, that's not it. Say, somebody want to get those burgers? Smells like they're burning.

Where were we? Oh yeah, Hounds Home For The Holiday, but first, let's see what the overlords are doing to protect their investment because, you know, the units...erm...the greyhounds are their livelihood, so there's no way their not going to give them the highest level of care and attention.

Freeway Petey got his name on his way from Sarasota to Tallahassee. He was in a kennel in the back of a truck, with another greyhound. They fought, and it was loud enough that the driver pulled over. He tried to break it up. It was 4 a.m. on May 9, on Interstate 75. One of the greyhounds escaped, and the name Freeway Petey has stuck ever since.

Now, in this overlord's defense, because we all know how calm and laid back greyhounds are, he figured cramming two dogs into a space made for one and driving them all over the countryside day and night wouldn't be a problem. Certainly, as a highly trained, experienced handler and trainer he couldn't have predicted the situation would turn out the way it did.

No one knows exactly what happened in those 14 hours Petey was loose.

Well, one thing we do know for sure, every overlord in a 100 mile radius was going up and down that highway looking for Petey, we mean, how many times have people like Elaine told us "we love our dogs" right? Wait, what's that you say? The overlord who lost Petey just went on home and some guy just happened to find him 14 hours later?

Petey was in poor shape. Over the phone, the man told Kendra Stauffer, foster coordinator for the Gainesville chapter of Gold Coast Greyhound Adoptions that Petey had some deep cuts. When Stauffer got to Petey, it was worse than she thought — Petey needed emergency medical attention. "We didn't think he was gonna make it through the first 12 hours," she said. "He was very dehydrated. The first day was pretty touchy." She whisked him to the University of Florida veterinary hospital and provided her own credit card. The charge: $1,500. By Friday night, the bill was $3,400. They had to pull Petey out of the vet hospital and watch him as he recovered. There was no more money. It looked bleak.

 See? Now that's the kind of commitment to greyhound welfare we're talking about. Who says the overlords just view the dogs as interchangeable commodities, only possessing value as long as they can make a buck? Oh wait, Kendra Stauffer isn't an overlord. She's one of the people who come along and clean up after the overlords. OK, our bad. Still, we bet Petey's owner caught the first thing smoking to get down there and take over Petey's care once he found out.

She contacted Petey's owner through a tattoo all racing greyhounds get. The owner said he would relinquish care.

Oh. Umm...well...er...OK look, give the guy a break here will you? We mean, just take a look at the dog:

It's pretty obvious he's never going to race again, so what do you expect the overlords to do? It's just business, nothing personal there Petey. Maybe you can find a sucker to pick up your tab.

Over the weekend, something happened, though. Stauffer put photos of Petey on Facebook and started updating regularly. Media outlets picked up the story, and the donations kicked in. Stauffer said contributions have come from as far away as the UK. Some message and say they're on a fixed income, and give $5.

Dang. People who don't even know the dog and will probably never see him in real life care more about him than the ones who tell us he is their life. Who could have predicted, huh Rowdy?

Rowdy is very outgoing and independent. He loves to be with people and/or other dogs. He is cat safe and gets along with his foster’s two Huskies. He loves to be petted. He loves to go for walks, play ball and play with his stuffies. He loves kids. He cannot do stairs but his foster is working with him on this issue. Rowdy would do wonderful in any type of family home environment. He is used to being with other dogs in the home so would probably do best in a home with another dog. He is housebroken and does not require crating. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Dear Mr. President

We understand you are busy with your reelection campaign now, and that the quadrennial notice presidential politics takes of  people who aren't able to write six figure checks is swinging into gear, but we would ask if, between fund raisers and speeches telling us why you are the champion of the common person you might take a moment to deal with the fact that our entire financial system is run by pirates, con men and sociopaths who think God created governments to give them free money when they screw up and Jesus created poor people to pay the bills.

Now, we understand that the reason not a single banker has gone to prison for driving the whole economy over a cliff, putting millions of people out of work and their homes and creating untold suffering around the entire globe is because you never know when you may need to bring another "financial expert" into your administration to help get the economy back on track, but seriously Mr. President you're attacking Mittbot because he spent most of his professional life stripping value out of the economy and putting it into his pocket, but you've got an administration full of little wannabe Mitts giving you advice on how to get people jobs and houses and isn't that a bit like asking Captain Jack Sparrow what he thinks the combination to the safe ought to be?

Now, we're not lawyers or anything and we certainly don't pretend to understand what the Securities and Exchange Commission does, but when someone can "lose" $1.6 billion of other people's money and your Justice Department is all like "Really? $1.6 billion? Man, be more careful next time, OK?" it just seems to us that something a little more, you know, inconvenient should happen.

Well, anyway, we know you've got a full day of campaigning ahead of you so we won't keep you. Best of luck in the fall, although for the life of us we can't figure out why anyone would want to preside over the ruins of this once great nation, unless it's to keep roving bands of refugees from stripping the White House for firewood.

Sincerely, your friend

Ironicus Maximus

PS: Oh, and one other thing, please stop killing children with robot bombs.

In Which Ironicus Throws In The Towel

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know success is only failure's ploy to make you try again and thus keep the game going...erm...we mean know that we have frequently discoursed on the lengths that certain of our fellow citizens will go to elucidate their displeasure that a Black Man is living in the White House. Without, of course, actually saying that the source of said displeasure is that a Black Man is living in the White House.

But this. This is just too much. Even for us.

I'm not one for conspiracy theories. I prefer to base my opinions on demonstration fact that I can point to. However, after looking at an extremely odd photo of President Obama "throwing" a football, I have my doubts that this photo is real.

Yeah. First of all, as a conservative writer for an outlet that--apparently un-ironically we might add--calls itself the Pundit Press, you want to base your opinion on demonstrable facts. "Demonstration facts" are the kind used by radical communist socialist fringe groups like the OWS movement, or the Arab Spring. Read your memos, man OK?

But seriously though, throwing a football? That's the conspiracy you've uncovered? Somewhere in the basement of the White House are twenty Photoshop geeks kidnapped from last year's E3 Expo by the CIA and chained to computers. Fed a diet of Cheetos and Mountain Dew their job is to "perfectly manicure his public image" whenever he throws a football. Dude, they take like 14 million pictures of this guy every day. Why would they pick this one to doctor?

OK, OK. Don't answer that. It's obvious to us the the degree of rationalization you will pile upon your own racism is much stronger than our ability to confront you with the fact that you just don't like black people, especially black people who step out of the nice convenient roles you've assigned them to and, you know, act like they're in charge and stuff.

So you win. We give up. You want to say doctoring a photo of the president throwing a football is part of the ongoing plot by the Kenyan usurper to turn this country into a socialist Muslim caliphate where everyone has to marry a gay ACORN worker and the wedding will be paid for by the 140% tax on the wealthy, go ahead. Fine with us. Whatever.

If you need us, we'll be down in the basement trying to learn to speak cockroach.

UPDATE: The author has backed away from his claim that the photo was doctored, but not from the existence of a plot to turn this country into a socialist Muslim caliphate where everyone has to marry a gay ACORN worker and the wedding will be paid for by the 140% tax on the wealthy.

Must Have Been Using Bristol's Phone

You know, some days we have to pick through the vast cyber dumpster that is the intertoobz to bring you your daily time wasting bit of useless and ultimately depressing fare from which we draw our belief that the planet would be better off if we just gave it back to the insects, and some days the aforementioned desultory effluvia   wanders right up to us.

This is one of those times.

Ted Cruz is seeking the Republican nomination in Texas for a seat in the U.S. Senate. How do I know this? Former sports reporter, Wasilla mayor, Alaska governor, Bridge to Nowhere fan, GOP vice presidential candidate, bear hunter, television personality, author and political endorsement specialist Sarah Palin called with a tip that Cruz was the man for the GOP. Thank goodness the Cruz campaign directed a robocall to my office of the Topeka Capital-Journal.

For those of you keeping score at home, there is no Topeka in Texas. You can see where this is going.

As if the message from Palin hadn't been received loud and clear, she rang the bell again. "Join me," she challenged. "Choose Cruz for Senate." Still, not certain what an emerging Texas political titan wants from a  registered voter in Kansas.

Now, we really can't think of anything to add to this little demonstration of how far this nation has fallen, except to say that in the last presidential election 59,934,814 people thought this woman was qualified to be within one heart beat of the highest elected office in the land. And the nuclear launch codes.

 If you need us, we'll be down in the basement trying to learn to speak cockroach.

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, it hasn't been such a great week for the overlords. Here is America the last remaining track in Arizona got "decoupled," which is overlord talk for "Crap, we're going to have to get real jobs now." Over in England the overlords put up a last ditch effort to save a track (which had been closed since 2008) from becoming homes for people and they lost while another track was being dismantled.

So we imagine the overlords are taking a step back, you know reassessing. It's almost like if good news was an umbrella, the overlords would be running around naked in a monsoon. Got to give one pause, right Paschal Taggart? Sort of makes you want to reevaluate your career decisions, huh?

Paschal Taggart the businessman who is still revered in Ireland for revolutionizing its greyhound industry, has submitted plans to Merton Council for a spectacular, brand new £30 million greyhound track at Wimbledon.

Yeah, well that is a toughie Mr. Taggart. Like the song says though, you got to know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em if your going to...wait, what?

Taggart believes the scheme, if successful will “herald a fantastic new era for greyhound racing in Britain”. It centres around a four-tier stadium containing plush hospitality suites, restaurants and concourse bars – accessible by escalators and lifts – with a capacity for 6,000 patrons.

Hospitality suites? 6000 patrons? Sounds a bit much for two dollar bets, doesn't it Mr. Taggart? Of course you are "revered" for turning around greyhound racing in Ireland, so maybe you know something we don't. By the way, how's that turnaround going anyway? 

The Irish Greyhound Board has released figures from the first nine months of the year which show a 11% per cent drop in attendance at the country’s nationwide stadia...

Oh. Um...well, that was 2008, the turnaround must have started in 2009 right?

Greyhound racing crowds fell sharply by over 20% last year...

OK, attendance was down in 2008 followed by even more down in 2009. Oh wait, we missed by a year. Attendance in 2010 increased by 3%.  OK, so a two year decline of 31% followed by a "turnaround" of 3%. Perhaps their definition of "turnaround" is different from ours. Think that's possible Sparky?

 Sparky is getting more outgoing. He is a very sweet boy. He can be shy at first but warms up to his surroundings quickly. He loves to be petted. He is very playful for a nine year old. Sparky will make a wonderful pet. Sparky would do best in a home with at least one other dog since he is used to being around other dogs. He would do best in a home with someone who can show him a lot of attention since he loves to be petted. He would do well in a home with or without children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Old Men Checking Out Young Girls

We're coming to you today from the Inflated Sense Of Self Importance Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The ISOSI is a division of the Somebody Pay Attention To Me Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Rapidly Sliding Into Irrelevancy, LLC.

It seems the funny hat brigade has noticed Satan likes Thin Mints.

Long a lightning rod for conservative criticism, the Girl Scouts of the USA are now facing their highest-level challenge yet: An official inquiry by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops.

OK here's our question: Why should anyone, least of all the Girl Scouts care that U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops and NAMBLA Chapter has opened an inquiry into their organization? That's sort of like Regis Philbin opening an inquiry into the level of pulp in orange juice. And here's our other question: Hasn't the catholic church already gotten into enough trouble for messing around with under-aged kids?

The new inquiry will be conducted by the bishops' Committee on Exposing Organizations That Make Females Think They Have Lives. It will look into the Scouts' "possible problematic relationships with positive female role models" and various "problematic" esteem building program materials, according to a letter sent by the committee chairman, Bishop Kevin Rhoades of Fort Wayne, Ind., to his fellow bishops. Bishop Rhoades denied rumors the the Conference had voted to investigate the Girl Scouts after hearing rumors of a redesign of their uniform.

With the bishops now getting involved, the stakes are high. The Girl Scouts estimate that one-fourth of their 2.3 million youth members are Catholic, and any significant exodus would be a blow given that membership already is down from a peak of more than 3 million several decades ago.

Ah, we wouldn't worry about it ladies.

Even with American and Canadian Catholic bishops recently re-emphasizing their strong opposition to same-sex marriage, it appears most of their followers are not in agreement. Among religious groups, Catholics in the U.S. stand out for their liberal attitudes on the issue.

See? No one is listening to the bishops, heck, even the nuns aren't listening to the bishops.

"What they have done is an insult to these women. It's an insult to all women," said Marilyn Antonik, a former nun, 77. "Why are they investigating religious women? Why are they not investigating the ... priests who are harming our children?"

"Hey, changing the subject all the time worked for George Bush," bishop Rhoades responded. "It can work for us too."

Bishop Rhoades leaves the press conference after announcing the inquiry into the Girl Scouts.

Romney Gets Coveted Endorsement Of...Um...That Guy

It appears we've finally found a position the Mittbot won't take. As we all know DogLuva R never met an opinion he couldn't agree with, or a policy he couldn't support. Until now.

The day after former President George W. Bush gave him an impromptu endorsement, presumptive GOP nominee Mitt Romney pointedly avoided naming his new supporter in a Wednesday speech. Instead, Romney referred to Bush five times as a "predecessor" to President Barack Obama.

A spokesperson for the Romney campaign said the press was making a story out of nothing.  "The word just came up on his Word-A-Day calender," she explained. "The governor is always trying to improve his vocabulary so when he has to contradict himself he can do it in language that isn't repetitive." 

Romney went on to criticize Obama for adding to the nation's ballooning debt – some $5 trillion since he took office. "And you know who created that debt that Obama added to?" Romney asked the crowd. "His predecessor."

Tuesday the former president replied that he was backing Romney. In response, Romney's campaign - which usually emails reporters touting big-name endorsements - responded to questions with a pithy statement. "We welcome that fellow's support, as we welcomed his father's," spokeswoman Andrea Saul said. "Now can we change the subject to something more positive, like Romney's consistency?" She asked.

BREAKING: People Not Voting For Obama, Still Not Voting For Obama

Full disclosure: We are not professional journalistic reporters. Did not receive intensive training at a leading school of journalism, nor did we do years of internships and apprenticeships at the feet of giants in the field learning our trade over the years, building up experience and expertise so we may be missing some of the nuance in this headline:

Poll: Obama’s gay marriage stance could hurt him

Now, as unsophisticated readers we look at the headline and say yes, that's true, of course it could just as easily be said that Obama's gay marriage stance could not hurt him, or that it could do a little of both, and all those positions would be true, which does nothing to enlighten the reading public. No, to appreciate the true substance of this piece, you have to carefully parse the contents, for example:

Most of those polled say the president's position will not impact how they vote.

 So what have we learned so far? That a poll that says something could be, but maybe not, and it doesn't matter anyway because most people don't care, is superfluous and a waste of time? Well, if that's what you think you are only embarrassing yourself with your ignorance.

Also troubling for the president is that a majority of voters suspect that his decision was politically motivated. Sixty-seven percent said they thought Obama's announcement was made "mostly for political reasons," while 24 percent said it was "mostly because he thinks it is right."

See, see? Nuance man, nuance. And if you're asking yourself do people really care why Obama  took this position, or are they more likely to be influenced by the fact that he took it at all, well...um...OK we'll have to get back to you on that, but there's an implication there and only the hopelessly out of touch think journalism rests on facts. Implication, dear reader, it's the new truth.

The economy remains by far the most important issue to voters, with 62 percent naming it their top concern, followed by the budget deficit at 11 percent and health care at 9 percent. Just 7 percent pick same-sex marriage as the most important issue in the election.

 Now we're sure there are some hard core dead-enders out there who are saying, hey if the economy is the most important issue on people's minds, why are we reading about gay marriage? And to you we say have you learned nothing? The economy is complicated, multi-faceted, subtle and plastic. In other words, hard. You think professional journalistic reporters who received intensive training at leading schools of journalism, did years of internships and apprenticeships at the feet of giants in the field learning their  trade over the years, building up experience and expertise have time for all that? Not when there's homos to write about! And the Kardashians, don't forget the Kardashians. The Pulitzer committee loves that stuff dude.

And God Sayeth Unto Eve: "Thou Shalt Not Swing On 3 - 1"

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know desire is the main ingredient in disappointment...erm...we mean know that from time to time we like to bring to your attention the latest bag of flaming poo the church catholic has left on the doorstep of polite society. Most of the time these little deposits revolve around the popster's ongoing efforts to bring back the 12th century and secretly we appreciate the antediluvian crowd of funny hat aficionados because we figure the more they can do to draw attention to the fact that they have become increasingly irrelevant to most people forced to live in the present the sooner we can get back to things like progress and stuff.

Occasionally though we run across a pronouncement from the beanie boys which makes complete sense, is logically consistent, and reflects the highest traditions and precepts of the institution. This is one of those times.

Our Lady of Sorrows, a fundamentalist Catholic school in Phoenix chose to forfeit the championship game rather than play a team fielding a female player.

 See, when you run a shop that basically relegates half the world's population to a status just a little above pets, you can't afford to be placing your boys in a situation where the position assigned to them by the big J himself could be threatened because this girl can turn a double play with the best of them. Might lead to some uncomfortable questions if you get our drift, and if there's one thing the church doesn't like it's questions.

Besides, it turns out the girl's team was 9 - 0 and Our Lady of Too Many Men Left On Base was 6 - 3. Now it doesn't take a theologian to figure out that if god wants dudes to be primo, he needs to give them better pitching.

It is not clear whether the school's athletics policy originates with the Society or the school. Nor is it clear if the school accepts male and female students. Calls to Our Lady of Sorrow's athletic director and principal and to the Society were not returned Wednesday. School officials did release a short statement saying they were discussing the matter and will release a written statement "at the appropriate time."

Yeah. Got to wait until Mrs. Bixby the secretary comes back from vacation because typing, you know that's for girls. Says it somewhere in the bible we think. 

"I respect their views, but it's a bit out of the 18th century," said Mesa Prep athletic director Amy Arnold, who is the only woman now coaching a boys high-school football team in Arizona.

 Wait, a girl player and a girl coach? This is freaking Sodom and Gomorrah man! What's next, men and women mixing freely in public? Female orgasms? Where does it end?

Before the forfeit was announced, Arnold had hoped the game would still take place. "What true athlete would want to win or lose a championship game by forfeit?" Arnold asked.

One that plays for TEAM JESUS heathens!!

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, this is interesting. One of the overlords got a camera for Christmas or something and took it out to the greyhound park to take some photos of the units. Let's have a look, shall we?

Wow, that pooch be flying! You know, say what you will about greyhound racing there's nothing like the sight of one of these creatures in a full blown, unrestrained, sails to the wind, all flags flying gallop. They are truly beautiful creatures and their movements are just poetry in a fur suit, wouldn't you agree Ms. overlord, ma'am? Man, we'd really like to see some more photos.

Boy, they sure look different out there on the track in front of everybody.

Well, you want to eat you have to win. Those are just the rules.

This is what's called "inventory reduction" in the industry.

OK, so we're thinking you are one of the lucky ones, huh Caroline?

Katjam Caroline is a very sweet and friendly girl. She loves everyone she meets. She loves to go for walks and play in the yard. She is very good on the leash. She is learning how to do stairs. She has not learned how to play with toys yet but she loves chewing on her rawhides. She does good in her crate; however, she does sometimes bark when her foster parents first come home so they leave her in the crate until she quiets down, which does not take long. She has had no accidents in the house or her crate. She lets her foster parents know when she has to go out. She is not cat or small dog safe. Due to her head-strong personality, she would do best as an only dog. She has not had any experience with children but, due to her personality, she would probably do best in a home with older well-behaved children or no children. She gets along great with men and women. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We Thought It Was An Underwear Bomb. Turns Out It Was Just A Full Diaper

We don't think much of flying here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Well, more specifically, we like flying, it's airlines and airports we don't think much of. We may have to revise our opinion though, now that the world has been made safe from 18 month old suicide bombers.

Eighteen-month-old Riyanna has been called a lot of things: cute, adorable and now ... a suspected terrorist. She was called that on Tuesday night at the Ft Lauderdale Airport. She and her parents had just boarded a JetBlue flight when an airline employee approached them and asked them to get off the plane, saying representatives from the Transportation Security Agency wanted to speak to them.

Apparently they had not received the required amount of inconvenience, inconsideration and humiliation that all airport patrons must be given to ensure the safety of the flying public.

"And I said, 'For what?'" Riyanna's mother asked. "And he said, 'Well, it's not you or your husband. Your daughter was flagged as no fly.'"

Man. Only 18 months old and already on the no fly list. This kid has to be about 17 different kinds of bad, you know? We're talking won't eat her peas, tantrums in the Wal-mart, not taking a nap bad. Wonder how many of the other passengers came around to thank the TSA folks for being so vigilant.

Riyanna's mother wears a hijab, a traditional head scarf.

Well there you have it then: attempting to fly while Muslim. TSA probably thought the kid was just a doll packed with explosives. You don't get much past them. That's why we have a no fly list.

TSA said that since Riyanna and her parents were issued boarding passes, that means they had been cleared by the TSA and were definitely not on the no-fly list.

Oh, did we say you were on the no fly list? Silly us. You're not on the no fly list, you're on the not Caucasian list. Sorry for the mix up.

Actually, They Have To Speak Up To Be Heard Over The Voices In Their Heads

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the glow of a bright future is usually due to the destructive fires of disappointment...erm...we mean know that in a democracy debate, deliberation and consensus are the three pillars of a healthy society. Each side makes its case, the voters evaluate the strength of the arguments, cast their votes and whosoever receives 50% plus one or more support is free to set course for the ship of state...until the next time. This is why democracies are never done and require constant attention and care.

Apparently though, some have not gotten the memo:

A Chippewa Falls man who repeatedly tried to block his estranged wife from driving to the polls Tuesday was hospitalized with head, neck and back injuries when she struck him with her sport utility vehicle.

OK, so we're thinking here's a gentleman with not a whole lot of faith in the electoral process, and also not much math acumen as he couldn't figure out that his wife's vote wouldn't matter because it would be cancelled out by his thus leaving the results of the election outside of his immediate control. Unless of course he thought his was the deciding vote in the issue, which would indicate certain personality traits that might have contributed to the apparent demise of their marriage.

Of course sometimes asserting your husbandly authority over the old ball and chain isn't enough and it is necessary to use your vote for broader purposes.

The challenges President Obama may face in November’s election were made crystal-clear in West Virginia during Tuesday night's Democratic primary, where a man behind bars racked up a sizable chunk of the vote.

In the defense of those who voted for the felon though, we have to say that he is at least white.

Now, some of you may be thinking that the problem may be structural here and we would imagine you point to a certain voting block's...um...shall we say challenges with basic rhetorical skills, and while we are generally loathe to assign characteristics to an entire group of people (fair and balanced like Fox News, that's us) in this case we think you may have a point.

A story bubbled up in the right-wing media suggesting that the White House requires "that unborn children get security clearance" if their parents want to tour the building.

Perhaps someone at one of these media outlets thought the Alien movies were documentaries and just had the president's well being in mind. Hey come on, that makes about as much sense as the White House thinking fetuses could be suicide bombers.

Well, while there may be certain...ah...quirks in the system, by and large it works and when a candidate gets all the way to office we can assume that he or she is well steeped in the philosophy of democratic principles and well able to enter into the give and take of American politics.

Well, what I've said is that I certainly think bipartisanship ought to consist of Democrats coming to the Republican point of view. [...] Bipartisanship means they have to come our way [...] To me, the highlight of politics, frankly, is to inflict my opinion on someone else with a microphone or in front of a camera.

Ah, government by decibel level. If you need us we'll be in the bedroom packing for Belize.

The 2% Solution

OK, so we nodded off there for a moment and now Mittbot is the nominee, well "presumptive" nominee, or "putative" nominee, or "apparent" nominee, or "Christ couldn't we find anybody else" nominee depending on whom you talk to.Yeah, yeah, Ron Paul is still out there, but so is Bigfoot if you get our drift. Anyway the curtain has finally come down on cirque de fou and it's kumbaya time for the erstwhile candidates and the voices in their heads.

One quick aside for a theological question. Jesus told like, 18 people to run then he let the Mormon cult guy win. What's up with that J man?

Back to our story. The excitement has to be palpable in the republican campaign now. The uncertainty is over, the leader has been chosen, and now on to the big prize. The Mittbot sends out his battle cry and the troops rally to the flag. In other words, it's bygones time. Put the past behind and lock shields for the march forward to November and victory! Who's with us? Rick Santorum, what say ye?

Thank you again for all you did as one of my strongest and committed supporters. Your belief in our campaign helped us start a movement of Americans who believe deeply that our best days are ahead as long as we fight to strengthen our families, unshackle our economy and promote freedom here and around the world.

Yeah yeah. listen, Mitt needs your support, there's no time to waste, That's probably why you sent this out in the middle of the night, right? But let's cut to the chase: OK first paragraph..I, I, me...second, I...me...me...I third, I...me..OK we're seeing a pattern here. Where's the endorsement man?  This is supposed to be about Mitt, get it? Oh wait, here it is, end of paragraph 13:

Governor Romney will be that nominee and he has my endorsement and support to win this the most critical election of our lifetime.

That's it?  That's the best you got? Dude, you wrote 1068 words and just used 23 of them to endorse your party's standard bearer. That's like a 2% endorsement. Where's the enthusiasm? With that kind of excitement Mitt would be lucky to get himself elected Zoning Commissioner so he could give himself a variance for his car elevator. At least liven your endorsement up with a few stories to humanize the guy. You know, like the joke about his dad closing factories, or how much he likes firing people, or the time he told everyone he was "unemployed," or our personal favorite, how he determined that the trees were the right height in Michigan.

Oh, and you know who would make a great VP choice? Callista Gingrich. It would be like C3PO and the Fembot versus Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.

Well, As Long As She Gets The Prafit And Lass Statement Done On Time

It is apparently another Monday here in the marbled halls of IM Central. We could be wrong. Echoes of the last 48 desultory hours are still reverberating through our crainii like bowling balls in an empty barrel falling down metal stairs. And it's raining. Of course it's raining.

We tell you all this by way of reminding you that as slovenly, Cheeto encrusted bloggers we are not going to work very hard to bring you your daily dose of time wasting pixel torture with which we usually fill this space. And it turns out we don't have to, illustrating once again that age old saying, god watches over children and fools. We'll leave it to you to assign us a category there, as we're in a bit of a hurry to get this done before the Sponge Bob marathon starts.

A group that raised more than $5,000 to fight a $30 million bond referendum for a new Franklin library gave those on the other side a reason to snicker. “Citizens Apposed to the Library Project” filed their official financial disclosure documents April 20 with the Johnson County clerk.

 In a related story, the group cancelled plans to make a Powerpoint presentation at the next City Council meeting outlining their concerns. The title of the presentation was to be "Pleeze Let Me Be Stoopid."

The group made the same “apposed” spelling error in a document filed on March 28.

Kyle Kasting, a spokesman for the group, said the mistake was understandable as no one in the office had a dictionary. When it was pointed out to him that there were several dictionaries in the library,  Kasting said it was unrealistic to expect illiterate people to view the library as a resource. He added that the spelling errors were an oversight by the treasurer.

The treasurer?  Dude, you let a person who can't tell her A from her O  keep track of your money? This is not helping your argument.

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, one thing you have to admit when it comes to the overlords is when they get an idea, they don't give up on it. Of course when you only have one idea that makes it a little easier, still if this was a movie, we'd be leaving now because this is where we came in.

On the other hand, rubes is rubes and when your highest achievement in life is separating retirees, the disabled and functional illiterates from their rent money two dollars at a time, you sort of have to dance with who brung you, if you take our point and we think you do. So enter uber overlord John Walker and his posse.

A local group isn't giving up on trying to get the Wichita Greyhound Park up and running again. They're taking their campaign to Topeka, hoping to convince lawmakers to approve gambling at the park."Hey, these are people who think there are aborted fetuses in food," Walker told reporters. "Convincing them greyhound racing is something so called sentient beings should be engaged in will be easy."

Oh yeah. And aren't these the same folks who want to give voting rights to zygotes? You may have a point there Mr. overlord sir. OK so it looks like the heartless exploitation of innocent creatures for profit exciting sport of greyhound racing is about to return to the Sunflower state. Pretty exciting, huh Kevin Dalton?

Dalton says, sorry, but Kansas is not the place to raise racing greyhounds any longer...“If there are investors out there owning dogs, they are not going to raise them in Kansas. Why would you?

 Oh you said it Kevin baby! You take a legislature with the combined IQ of puffed wheat, animal cruelty activists like overlord Walker and...wait a minute, what did you say?

Dalton’s solution was to find another occupation, which seems to be the wave of the future for greyhound owners and trainers in the area. Dalton isn’t the first to hang up the muzzles for another instrument.

 But...but...John's in Topeka. You may never have a group of lawmakers this clueless again, and the rubes, think of the rubes, man! It's the perfect storm of stupidity and cold hearted callousness!

“In December of 1999 there were 6,900 and some odd members of the NGA,” he said. “The December Review of 2011 said there were 1,400 members. The February Review of 2012 said there were 1,100 members. Where is it going to be in 10 years? Is there going to be anything left?”

 Whoa. An overlord who can do math. No wonder he's getting out, huh Jack?

Jack is a very friendly, outgoing boy who loves everyone he meets. He loves to play with his foster Greyhounds and Rat Terrier. He is cat safe. Jack loves to play with his stuffies by throwing them up in the air and catching them and chewing on Nylabones. He wags his tail like crazy. He has learned to “roo” and “roach.” He bonds very quickly. He does not do well being crated. Jack would do best in a home where someone would be able to be home with him all or most of the day as he does have separation issues. He would do well with older children as he may knock small children down when he gets excited. He would probably do best with another dog to keep him company. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

We Have Christian Music, Why Not Christian Comedy?

Apparently, if Christ returned today he'd be a stand up comedian. We say this because of the high degree of humor and jocularity extant in his church. Witness one Sean Harris, man of god who, while recently sermonizing at the Berean Baptist Church in North Carolina on the latest efforts of the heathen butt pirates to infect god fearing good christian folk with their gay virus opined that if any in the congregation observed less than manly behavior in their sons, said sons should have the nascent gay knocked out of them.

As you might imagine there were those in the crowd who sort of remembered something Jesus said about neighbors and something else about children so they asked the good reverend for a little clarification.

Harris said he was joking when he told parents to punch their sons if they show any signs they are gay.

HAHAHAHAHA! You knucklehead! Beat up your kids if they act gay! What a knee slapper! We're sure Jesus fell off his throne laughing when he heard that. And god. Well, dude probably peed himself. We're not sure the holy spirit gets humor, being, you know, a spirit and all and not human. Might be a sort of Spock thing going on there.

He says he stands by his belief that "the word of God makes it clear that effeminate behavior is ungodly."

Now, all joking aside the good pastor has a point here. We looked it up and in Paul's second letter to Erastes of Eromenos he clearly states, "Who so ever shall swishith shall be deemed an abomination before the lord, but who so ever shall butch it up shall be rewarded with gifts of leather, and tickets to the Village People."

He'd Rather Be Picard So He Could Hit On Troi and Dr. Crusher

Well, here's a headline that you don't see everyday:

Big thinking, bold Newt Gingrich is America's real-life Captain Kirk

Kirk? Really? We're pretty sure Newty sees himself more as Spock while the rest of the country sees him as  Harcourt Fenton Mudd.

On the other hand, doinking half the sentient beings in the galaxy while leaving smoking ruins behind him...hmm...maybe he is Kirk.

Put Down The Juice Box And Step Away From The Tricycle

It can be said that we were not the most conscientious of students during our days as inmates in our local educorporate training facility. There was the Levi Ben Hur episode that sent the sub back to rehab...and there was the time we learned that applying voltage to a frog's leg could make it move so we tried it on Sally Konkolevski's...er...derriere. Then there was the unfortunate combination of super glue and our History teacher's desk drawers. OK, maybe we were bad, but that's not the point. One of the reasons we were so emboldened was we knew our teachers couldn't do half of what they would have liked to have done to us without incurring the wrath of the authorities. Times, apparently, have changed.

Police in a small Indiana town hauled a six-year-old from his elementary school and charged him with battery and intimidation after he kicked and threatened Principal Patrick Lumbley, police said on Wednesday.

 Umm...here's a career tip Principal Lumbley: If you're the principal of an elementary school, and kindergarteners intimidate you, perhaps it would be better if you went back to long distance truck driving. Just a thought.

The Indiana student, who had been suspended from school recently for biting and hitting principal Lumbley's body guard, threatening to hold his breath until he got his way and premeditated acting like a spoiled brat who needs his little fanny paddled, was arrested April 18 at Hendricks Elementary School in Shelbyville, which is about 30 miles southeast of Indianapolis. "This was not an isolated incident," Shelbyville Police Lieutenant Michael Turner said. "We're pretty sure the kid has ties to Al Qaeda."

School officials called police, reporting that the student, who was not identified, had kicked Principal Patrick Lumbley and told him and Assistant Principal Jessica Poe that he was going to kill them, a Shelbyville police report said. "We have to take these threats seriously," Turner said. "Indiana respects the Second Amendment as much as Florida and it is legal for six year olds to carry concealed weapons in the state."

The student was yelling and screaming and lying on the floor of Poe's office when police arrived, the report said. Later that report was corrected to read that principal Lumbley was yelling and screaming and lying on the floor of Poe's office when police arrived. The student was in the library watching a video of the Lion King.

Poe led the student to a police car where an officer placed him in the back seat, buckled him in and drove him to the police department, the report said. He was not handcuffed and the SWAT team was taken off alert. The officer reported that the student asked if he could turn the siren on. It was not allowed.

Turner said he hoped the filing of juvenile charges would help get the child needed help. "Putting him into the system can open up avenues perhaps the parents don't have," Turner said. "Such as charging him as an adult."