Tuesday, May 08, 2012

The 2% Solution

OK, so we nodded off there for a moment and now Mittbot is the nominee, well "presumptive" nominee, or "putative" nominee, or "apparent" nominee, or "Christ couldn't we find anybody else" nominee depending on whom you talk to.Yeah, yeah, Ron Paul is still out there, but so is Bigfoot if you get our drift. Anyway the curtain has finally come down on cirque de fou and it's kumbaya time for the erstwhile candidates and the voices in their heads.

One quick aside for a theological question. Jesus told like, 18 people to run then he let the Mormon cult guy win. What's up with that J man?

Back to our story. The excitement has to be palpable in the republican campaign now. The uncertainty is over, the leader has been chosen, and now on to the big prize. The Mittbot sends out his battle cry and the troops rally to the flag. In other words, it's bygones time. Put the past behind and lock shields for the march forward to November and victory! Who's with us? Rick Santorum, what say ye?
Thank you again for all you did as one of my strongest and committed supporters. Your belief in our campaign helped us start a movement of Americans who believe deeply that our best days are ahead as long as we fight to strengthen our families, unshackle our economy and promote freedom here and around the world.
Yeah yeah. listen, Mitt needs your support, there's no time to waste, That's probably why you sent this out in the middle of the night, right? But let's cut to the chase: OK first paragraph..I, I, me...second, I...me...me...I third, I...me..OK we're seeing a pattern here. Where's the endorsement man?  This is supposed to be about Mitt, get it? Oh wait, here it is, end of paragraph 13:
Governor Romney will be that nominee and he has my endorsement and support to win this the most critical election of our lifetime.
That's it?  That's the best you got? Dude, you wrote 1068 words and just used 23 of them to endorse your party's standard bearer. That's like a 2% endorsement. Where's the enthusiasm? With that kind of excitement Mitt would be lucky to get himself elected Zoning Commissioner so he could give himself a variance for his car elevator. At least liven your endorsement up with a few stories to humanize the guy. You know, like the joke about his dad closing factories, or how much he likes firing people, or the time he told everyone he was "unemployed," or our personal favorite, how he determined that the trees were the right height in Michigan.

Oh, and you know who would make a great VP choice? Callista Gingrich. It would be like C3PO and the Fembot versus Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson.

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