Thursday, June 18, 2009

This Is Great News for Republicans

OK look, you all just need to get off of senator Ensign's back. Or front if you happen to be Cindy Hampton. Whatever. Our point is outing a run of the mill, good old all American, god fearing adulterer is the best thing that has happened to the republican party since Newt Gingrich divorced his cancer-ridden wife to take up with a floozy, then dumped her for another floozy, giving him the Grand Old Party trophy wife trifecta.

And while we're at it we'd just like to add that Gingrich's moral leadership during the Clinton Lewinsky scandal kept this country from flying totally off the rails. Thanks Newt.

But back to Ensign. See, this is good. All he was doing was being a truly hetero horn dog and diddling the help--the female help we might add. He wasn't trolling the gay hangouts, chatting up the kids, or going full metal perv.

By god, the guy was doinking the way man was intended to doink. Well, except for that whole being married thing, but that's what separations are for. Sure there was a little...um...overlap from time to time, but so what? You think he's NASA or something? He's not trying to hit Mars 36 million miles away travelling at seven miles a second. He's trying to hit Cindy in the next office over before the receptionist gets back from lunch. All we're saying is give the guy a little wiggle room.

That has several layers of meaning, doesn't it? Man! We should blog sober more often.

But back to the story. What we're saying is because this scandal is so typical, so ordinary, so mundane, the republicans are having trouble dealing with it. When you're used to defending closeted homos, pedophiles and fetishists, coping with a guy who cheated on his wife kind of comes at you out of the blue. Which is why...

Cindy Hampton and her husband issued sharp remarks through an attorney."It is unfortunate the senator chose to air this very personal matter, especially after the Hamptons did everything possible to keep this matter private," Las Vegas lawyer Daniel Albregts said in the statement. "It is equally unfortunate that he did so without concern for the effect such an announcement would have on the Hampton family." The lawyer declined to answer questions the first of which was "What's their side of the story?"

An Associated Press review of federal records showed that around the time of the affair, Cindy Hampton, 46, received a promotion and a pay raise at one political entity controlled by Ensign and a pay raise at a second. Her husband, Doug, was an employee in Ensign's Senate office, and a golfing buddy.

Yeah. Promotion and pay raise. What's wrong with that? After all, she was working ...ahem...overtime. But dude, you sure you want to be around a guy with a bag full of clubs out in a secluded area when you're throwing the schlong to his wife?

"Our families were close. That closeness put me into situations which led to my inappropriate behavior," Ensign said.

No kidding. Nude volleyball tournaments will do that.

4 comments:

skyewriter said...

Can't breathe. Laughing so hard.

This was perfect.

Thanks!

Seeing Eye Chick said...

This is why Republicons Aren't allowed to swing. They can't keep their big yaps shut.

Of course I am sure that so many are surprised that a real live, breathing woman let them touch her, that well, if they don't speak it into reality, then did it really happen?

If a boner happens in the woods and no one saw it, then did it really happen?

Of course when you are a Republicon, nothing says reelection like Vocal, Public, Repentance with an talk show appearances, a book deal and a lecture circuit.

Anonymous said...

"Can't breathe" AND can't see straight! One of your best!
However, the downers will come in the form of "Edwards' stalkers" and I'll bet you the golf clubs we're going to hear about "Baby " Edwards" and the "forbidden DNA".

Anonymous said...

There's a reason the "final" wife got him transported into Catholicism. Those Catholics don't take divorce lightly. Seems to me, this one is going to be his Joan of Arc should God giveth her the uterine plague, be it children or cancers. This woman is up to battle. Newt may get neutered yet.