Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have come to the conclusion that the ultimate achievement is to persist through disappointment until apathy is complete...erm...we mean know that we often take a few moments of your time during our weekly excursions into the noisome and miasmic morass inhabited by that particularly loathsome species of skink known as an overlord to point out that the whole thing is a scam. Also, too, rigged.

Well, this by itself has never been a major factor in the decline of greyhound racing, what with rubes being, you know, rubes and all, but now it seems that even those on the inside are beginning to notice certain, shall we say, irregularities? 

Surprisingly, the valuable €5,000 to the winner Greyhound & Petworld A1 (Bg) 525 has failed to fill, even though it was only advertised for 36 runners. It seems ridiculous that such a valuable event should fail to attract what would appear to be a very reasonable number of greyhounds.

Thirty six dogs? Thirty six is all you need? Heck you ought to be able to find 36 dogs...well come to think of it coming up with that many dogs could be a problem as you do seem to lose them with a fair amount of regularity. Of course if you didn't move them around like they were sacks of potatoes, you might not lose so many that you can't even remember their names anymore.

We're thinking that not having enough dogs isn't the whole story though, right racing enthusiast Billybob?

‘Maybe fellas are sick of making up the numbers for the bigger kennels to win these graded stakes in 28,40 and the like’. A lot of hostility towards the bigger trainers is evident.

Oh come on Billybob. You think the bigger trainers are taking advantage of you? We are shocked we tell you SHOCKED! Surely the high degree of professionalism, expertise and sense of fair play evident throughout the entire industry should convince you it's always the rubes who get the shaft, not the players. OK, dogs get the shaft too, but it's not like that part is surprising, we mean come on. When your toaster breaks what do you do? Throw it away and get another one. When your dog quits winning, what do you do?

A mass grave containing the remains of at least seven racing greyhounds has been uncovered in Co Limerick. The Gardai know who is responsible, however as yet no prosecution has taken place.

Umm...yeah...there is that, but it shouldn't be construed to mean the overlords don't appreciate what the dogs do for them, and the dogs aren't well treated and lovingly cared for. It just looks that way because you've never been to a track and you don't know what really goes on in the industry, right Pat C?

Pat C is extremely outgoing. She is extremely sweet and intelligent and very eager to learn new things. She is cat safe and is friendly with the neighbor’s small dog. She is housebroken and is not being crated because someone is always home with her. She loves to go for walks and does great on the leash. She loves to play with toys of any kind. She will go up and down the stairs. Pat C is used to someone always being home with her but would probably be fine is a working family. She would do well in a home with children. She would do well in a home with cats and also, most likely, with small dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And In Other News: A few weeks ago we mentioned that we were going to add to our repertoire of instructional tools in order to reach out to those overlords who may find the printed word as incomprehensible as the idea that killing and injuring thousands of innocent living creatures year after year is not, in fact, a sport. Football is a sport. Greyhound racing is an abomination of the face of the earth. It is a black spot on the heart of all humanity, a sharp stick poked in compassion's eye, an open wound on the face of empathy. It is the solitary, lonely cry in the night of kindness. It is the unreturned call for mercy, the cold breath of evil, locking tenderness in an icy prison...

Where were we? Oh yeah, visual aids. Here's one for all you overlords who like to say the dogs love to run:

The Official Ironicus Maximus Guide To The 2012 Presidential Election. Part I

Greetings fellow voters and those of you trying to stay out of Issac's way. Today we begin a new series here in the marbled halls of IM Central in which we will assist you in making that quadrennial decision as to which corporate overlord you would like to be in charge of funneling your income to the job creators' offshore accounts.

Today we discuss the first NS5 to run for president, Mitt (Total Recall) Romney. Now, some have said the the whole Romney phenomenon is the result of the large pile of money Bain Capitol made hoovering up the assets of companies becoming self aware and setting forth into the country saying things like "Corporations are people too, my friend," but our job here is not to investigate the technical origins of Dr. Lanning's contribution to the American political process.

Instead we are going to provide you with a snippet of source code from the Romney basic operating program. This little snippet of code will enable you to instantly evaluate all of the positions, pronouncements, opinions, statements and utterances made by the unit currently functioning as Mitt Romney.

Now, it should be noted that we ran across this code when it was inadvertently blurted out by a Romney operative in defense of the made up charge that Obama had lifted work rules for welfare recipients.

“Fact checkers come to this with their own sets of thoughts and beliefs, and we’re not going to let our campaign be dictated by fact checkers,” Romney pollster Neil Newhouse said.

And there you have it. A campaign disassociated from the truth by design. A campaign where flip flopping is not a sign of cynical depravity, but a feature as much a part of the program as Mitt's attempts at humor, and his unfortunate appearances at proletariat gatherings wearing artificially faded jeans and $500 shoes.

This is what good god fearing American citizens are forced to put up with when this PC driven culture simply won't let you call a spade a spade.

Friday Hound Blogging (Tuesday Edition)

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that ennui is the space between youth and eventuality...erm...we mean know that we generally reserve Fridays for our weekly forays into that fetid swamp of delusion, disassociative disorder and dyspepsia in search of Morionem Malum more commonly known as The Overlords, and even though President Obama was not entirely successful in sending hurricane Issac to disrupt the republican convention, providing us with what is called in military circles a "target rich environment," this was just too good to wait until Friday to bring to your attention.

Last week we told you about Joe "Needles" Robinson, (Wally's College of Veterinary Medicine and Truck Driving School, class of '95) the track "Veterinarian" at Tucson. Robinson's job is to make sure the female units stay productive by shooting them up with steroids so the natural rhythms of their bodies are disrupted. Well, what we didn't tell you was that in 2008 the people of the city of South Tucson (where the track is located) passed an ordinance banning the injection of steroids. We think it was called the "Hey Needles, Quit Shooting The Dogs Up With Steroids" Ordinance. That may be a paraphrase.

So you're thinking problem identified, legislation enacted, situation improved. Democracy in action, right? Wrong. To wit:

So what did the track do instead? Well, that’s what KGUN9 News went to check out. So we waited in a non-descript van with our cameras rolling. Low and behold, at 6 o’clock in the morning, a truck loaded with dozens of dogs arrives on an empty street. Veterinarian Dr. Joe Robinson gets to work right away, administering injections, which are perfectly legal in Tucson.

See? If the injection can't come to the greyhound, the greyhound must go to the injection. That's what the overlords mean when they say  to understand their industry you have to have experience with it, because to most people this would look like a blatant disregard of the wishes of the people of South Tucson and the dogs' safety just to score a few bucks. Hey Needles, you having any sort of problem with this obvious flaunting of the law and violation of your Veterinarian's oath?

Doan: Mr. Robinson? Can we talk to you guys about what you’re doing here?

Dr. Robinson: It’s none of your business.

Doan: Is it ethical, what you’re doing?

Dr. Robinson: Yes, it is ethical.

Doan: How so?

Dr. Robinson: You’re involving yourself in a doctor client privilege – it’s none of your business. 

Doctor client privilege...for dogs? How do they sign their HIPPA forms? And Needles, dude, come on. You're standing in the street shooting up dogs out of the back of a truck. Not exactly what the manual calls a sterile environment if you get our drift. Does any of this give you pause, a sort of what's wrong with this picture moment? OK, it's true we're not up on the latest veterinary medicine treatment protocols, so maybe we're missing something here. Let's ask some other Vets in the area what they think:

More than 100 local veterinarians signed this petition to outlaw steroids in South Tucson.

Hmm...sleeping in medical ethics class that day huh, Needles? Now, we know what you're going to say, those Vets are biased because they're all about helping animals and stuff and they have no experience with the greyhound racing industry. OK, so you tell us whom we should talk to about the moral implications of putting innocent animals at risk for profit, and skirting the law that forbids you from doing so?

After capturing video of the injections, 9 On Your Side tracked down Greyhound Park’s CEO Tom Taylor. He admitted the dogs were receiving steroids in Tucson that had been banned in South Tucson.

Doan: Some people would say that by traveling 5 miles or so that you’re simply skirting the law of South Tucson.

Taylor: I am.

Doan: So you blatantly admit that?

Taylor: Yeah, I’d break the law if I did it here. And by doing it there I’m not breaking the law.

Doan: And you have no qualms about it?

Taylor: Not at all. 

You know, we're beginning to think that when the overlords say the greyhounds receive the best care when they're racing, they don't mean it. What do you think Caroline?

Katjam Caroline is a very sweet and friendly girl. She loves everyone she meets. She loves to go for walks and play in the yard. She is very good on the leash. She is learning how to do stairs. She has not learned how to play with toys yet but she loves chewing on her rawhides. She does good in her crate; however, she does sometimes bark when her foster parents first come home so they leave her in the crate until she quiets down, which does not take long. She has had no accidents in the house or her crate. She lets her foster parents know when she has to go out. She is not cat or small dog safe. Due to her head-strong personality, she would do best as an only dog. She has not had any experience with children but, due to her personality, she would probably do best in a home with older well-behaved children or no children. She gets along great with men and women. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

What's The Frequency Yahweh?

 Now, we know that god only sends hurricanes around because Planned Parenthood operatives are building another abortoplex which they will staff with gay ACORN workers.We also know that god hits the earthquake button when he gets tired of females running around with their ankles exposed, and he turns off the sprinkler system when the flock gets too rambunctious.

OK so this is the second time in a row a hurricane has caused the republicans to postpone the opening of their convention. We find this scenario quite perplexing: If you look at who's taking the brunt of this godly pique, it's the very people who should be up there in the city on a hill pointing and laughing at the rest of us heathens. We mean, hurricanes for abortions? If there is a group of people out there more determined to wrest control of those mysterious ladyparts from their owners than republicans, we sure can't find them. And earthquakes? If there's one thing the ayatollahs and the Todd Akin political party and estrogen jihad can agree on it's that women have gotten too...out there. Working out of the home, learning to read, and this whole G spot thing? Well, aren't guys under enough pressure already? And what's with the drought? The hardest hit state is Texas where, according to Governor Perry, Jesus has a summer home.

We're not theologians and even though we've speculated on god's marksmanship before, we're not in a position to offer any definitive explanation for this curious religiometeorological turn of events except to say that Pat Robinson and all those Pat Robinson wannabes out there who claim to speak for the deity might want to buy a new edition of their god to English dictionary because it just seems to us that there's some noise in the channel if you get our drift.

Friday Hound Blogging

We often like to ponder life's great mysteries here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Why does time only move in one direction? What is the nature of the good? Do we live in a multi-verse? Will Romney ever take a position and stick to it other than money is good, more money is better?

Of course we've never been able to pierce these mysteries and after a Stoli or three we usually lose our train of thought anyway, but finding answers is not the point. Just to engage in this intellectual chess match with the universe is rewarding enough as the urge to ponder seems to be deeply characteristic of members of Homo Sapiens.

There is one ponderable that has vexed us mightily over the years though and one we have yet to make our peace with, and that is why would a veterinarian come within a half a parsec of a greyhound track? Think about it. Here are people who so care about animals they have chosen to make that their life's work. And then they sign on at a greyhound race track? That's like a priest going through all his training in the Seminary, then becoming a pimp. Now, admittedly we'll make an exception for Joe Robinson (Wally's College of Veterinary Medicine and Truck Driving School, class of '95) the track Vet at Tucson because apparently all he does in illegally inject greyhounds with steroids so it's not like he actually practices Veterinary Medicine or anything. Come to think of it, the dogs might be better off because he doesn't try to treat them.

Well, the point is, here we have people who have taken an oath, part of which enjoins them to act to relieve animal suffering and yet they operate right there at the headquarters of animal suffering, otherwise known as a greyhound race track.

Truly a conundrum, thinks us. Perhaps Veterinarian Lisa Robinson (no relation) can shed a little light on the issue for us.

On April 21 2012 a hearing was held for Trainer Bob Gray to answer a complaint filed by ASRC Veterinarian Lisa Robinson, DVM. Specifically the Mr. Gray had been negligent in the care of greyhound "Bobby Munson."

 Oh, we get it. The Vets are there to protect the dogs. To see that they are treated properly and injury protocols are followed. Boy, we bet Mr. Gray is in hot water with the Board of Judges who rule on these issues because you know, dogs come first and all, right? We mean that's why Vets are here in the first place--well, like we said, except for that guy in Tucson. So the Board lowered the boom on this guy thanks to Dr. Robinson stepping forward and doing her job, right?

The Southland Board of Judges ultimately could not verify Dr. Robinson's accusation of animal neglect. They did, however, suspend trainer Gray for 30 days after finding him "in violation for failure to follow Southland Park's Section 1200-04 on the DNC injured greyhound policy." This appears to be an internal Southland Greyhound Park policy related to injuries.

 OK, let's get this straight. They didn't agree with Dr. Robinson that he was negligent in the treatment of his injured dog, but they did cite him for being negligent in the policy that deals with how to treat an injured dog? Have we got that?

Wow. There's another ponderable to add to our list. When is neglect not neglect? What's that you say, D. When it happens at a greyhound track?

D’s is a very laid-back, playful, sweet girl that loves attention. She loves children of all ages. She loves dogs both small and large and is cat safe. D’s loves to go for walks and is great on her leash. She is housebroken. She does well in her crate but is not crated for long periods of time. She likes to go in her crate to take naps. D’s would do well in either a working home or a home with someone there all day. She would do well with children of any age. D’s would be fine as an only dog or in a home with other dogs of any size. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Republicans! Motto: When You Absolutely Positively Have To Say Something Stupid

What has happened to the republican party? We're not talking about the crazy part. They've been crazy for years, it's just that the front men they put out to run for office had the ability to keep the voices in their heads from seizing their vocal chords while in public, well except for Steve King and Louie Gohmert, but in the republicans' defense, even if you could get medications in them, there's still a limit to what modem pharmacology can do.

Anyway, going all the way back to Nixon the primary talent republican candidates had, at least in the presence of the general public was to couch their racism, their misogyny, their xenophobia, homophobia anti-Semiticsm, or whatever other social malady they had in terms that were not blatantly obvious to those who didn't share those particular Christian based, family values.

Well, no more. Everyone has heard about Todd Akin's recent disquisition on the female reproductive system, but it's not just the top of the ticket representatives who have suddenly lost their admittedly rather tenuous understanding of  the basic tenets of living in close proximity to other humans in an organized social setting. Even as far down as your local county sheriff we find the new, public version of the republican party's sociopathy on full display.

Frank Szabo said that as sheriff, he would arrest any doctor performing elective or late-term abortions in his jurisdiction. "There is a difference between legal and lawful," Szabo said.Szabo explained the difference by referring to the issue of slavery, which he said used to be legal but was never lawful under the Constitution.

Hmm...apparently Mr. Sazbo's copy of the Constitution is missing the part before the 13th Amendment.

But Szabo may have inflamed the issue further when asked if he would use deadly force to prevent an abortion. "I would respond specifically by saying that if someone is under threat, a full-grown human being, if they're under threat, what should the sheriff do? Everything in their power to prevent them from being harmed," he said.

Wait, you would act to protect a "full-grown human being"? You think a fetus is a "full-grown human being"? Must be a graduate of the King/Akin College of Ladyparts.

When pressed about what he would do if he learned that a doctor was about to perform an elective abortion, Szabo replied he would do what it took to prevent that from happening.

Oh, you'd shoot the doctor. But only if it's Doogie Howser, right? We mean, protecting "full-grown human beings" and all.

Szabo said he would arrest doctors who perform elective or late-term abortions and bring them to the county attorney to prosecute, even if the doctors' actions were allowed under state law.

OK, so you won't shoot the doctor. Who you going to shoot then, the mother? Not really helpful to a fetus if you kill its host. Just a thought. And, we're not Criminal Justice experts or anything, but we're pretty sure you can't arrest someone for doing legal stuff.

"The county attorney would then need to follow through on prosecuting," Szabo said. "And if they choose not to do their duty and uphold the constitution, they can be brought up on charges before what is called a citizens grand jury, which is something that is not common in the United States."

Oh we wouldn't be so sure about that, Mr. Szabo. There are plenty of "Citizens Grand Juries" around.

Szabo said he doesn't have any background in law enforcement, but he said his business background gives him the experience to run for the position of sheriff.

Of course, because once you're done protecting "full-grown human beings" and arresting in people for doing stuff you don't like, there's got to be some kind of businessy thing you can do. Maybe have a sale on parking tickets or something.

And That Voice That Says "Please Hold, Your Call Is Important To Us?" It's Satan

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have accepted that ambition is the mother of disappointment...erm...we mean are aware that we occasionally opine on issues of theology and religion here in the marbled halls of IM Central. While we don't pretend to be bible experts (having only read the dirty parts) we do feel that our years under the tutelage of the Christian Brothers and the Sisters of the Order of Perpetual Detention, plus our ability to swear in Latin (That report is due today? Hui Excrementum!) provides us with bona fides significant enough to comment on this.

A local elementary school is trying to implement a new program in their cafeteria. But the palm vein scanner is being met with much opposition from Moss Bluff Elementary parents. "I was very, very mad," said parent Mamie Sonnier. "Disappointed. As a Christian, I've read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff," said Sonnier. "I know where it's going to end up coming to, the mark of the beast. I'm not going to let my kids have that."

Good point Mrs. Sonnier. With a parent like you they really can't afford to have too much else go wrong in their lives. But to be fair, we should let Principal Charles Caldarera explain why he has allowed Satan access to the children in his care.

"We are so large," said Caldarera. "With an elementary school, they all come through line, and most of them eat here. It would make us more efficient and more accurate. We've had parents complain in the past, because they felt like their children weren't eating, that we assigned them a charge for the day, and they might have been right."

Oh sure, that's what we would expect the devil to say. Efficiency. Accuracy. Those are engraved on the gates of hell you can be sure. And kids not eating? Hunger is a small price to pay for rescuing your immortal soul from the fires of Perdition.

"I'd probably pull them out of the school, and transfer them to another school," said Sonnier.

Well, once the other kids find out you're their mother that might be best. Heck, we were embarrassed to be seen in public with our dad when he wore his old Lumberjack hat. We can imagine how your children will feel going back to school knowing that everyone will be pointing and saying those are the kids of that lady who thinks the holy spirit comes down into your microwave and pops your popcorn for you.

In Which Ironicus Rides To The Rescue

We're coming to you today from the Fainting Couch Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The FCD is a division of the Vapors Company, in partnership with Bring Smelling Salts Quickly! Inc.

By way of introduction let us say that as long time toilers in the educorporate training facility in our area, we have often been privy to certain Anglo-Saxon expletives uttered by the embodiments of this nation's bright future. In fact, walking down the halls at lunch time often caused us to wonder if these hormone infused, Abercombie and Fitched specimens of this country's marketing expertise knew any words other than the seven you can't say on TV.

Additionally, we have often been honored to receive the intellectual musings of those claiming to be the parents of the aforementioned. One in particular comes to mind. An "aunt" (at least that's all she was willing to admit to) of one of our charges, in explaining to us why we couldn't flunk her "nephew" even though he had not handed in a single assignment all year, held the class record for unexcused absences, and was on a first name basis with several of the local law enforcement personnel, opined that she was sure he had done all the assignments dutifully, and while she was well aware that we couldn't take his word for it, we could take hers because she had "never been arrested. Not even a parking ticket."

We demurred and went on with our day, unlike Prague High School principal David Smith who apparently grew up in a much more genteel environment than the one in which he currently resides.

The father of a recent high-school graduate has been denied her diploma because she said "hell" in her valedictorian speech.

At this juncture we'd like to offer a quick aside: sometimes our colleagues in this profession embarrass the he...um...heck out of us. That being said, if this child has completed all the requirements for graduation we don't think Principal Smith's delicate sensibilities are enough to override the dictates of state law. Oh wait, this is Oklahoma. You're in deep doo-doo kid.

Her transcripts were sent on to Southwestern Oklahoma State University in Weatherford and life went on as usual until she and her father went to collect her diploma from the high school office last week. "The principal shut the door on us," David Nootbaar said, "and told us she [Kaitlin] will type apology letters to him, the school board, the superintendent and all of the teachers," in order for her to obtain her diploma.

Ah, we see. The transcripts were released so the kid can get on with her life, but Principal Petty is having himself what's known as a bureaucratic snit about the whole thing. OK, Kaitlin, we here at IM Central are going to help out by writing the letter for you:

Dear Principal Smith:

I understand that my use of the word "hell" has offended you. It was what is called an allusion, (I learned that in my English class) which is a reference to a previous work, in this case the film Eclipse, which is very popular with people my age, who were the intended audience of my talk. However, being the Principal of a high school, a professional educator and a self centered, boneheaded jackass, I shouldn't have expected you to know that. My bad.

Sincerely,
Kaitlin

Friday Hound Blogging

Man. We are going to have to rethink our whole attitude towards the overlords. We mean, each Friday we poke a little good natured fun at them because they are essentially ticks on the backs of innocent animals, riding the poor dogs to their deaths in many cases just to siphon off a few measly bucks, and what can be more humorous than that, right?

This week, however we ran across a group of overlords whose track is about to be closed and they're all like, we got some nice greyhounds here. Be a shame if something happened to them.

Concerns have been raised greyhounds could be put down if plans to demolish Oxford Stadium go ahead.

"Accidents happen, that's all I'm saying," Oxford Greyhound Owners’ Association and Oxford Retired Greyhounds chairman John "Little Walnuts" Alcock told reporters. "We got 350 dogs running around here. You go tearing down the track and things could get...unruly. Now, you wouldn't want things to get unruly, would you?"

Mr Alcock, who is also treasurer of the national Greyhound Owners’ Association, and manager of the Oxford office of the Barone Sanitation Company said: “The biggest problem will be the dogs. They're like evidence, you know? Got to be careful with them or it could be...embarrassing."

But Retired Greyhound Trust (RGT) home coordinator and Transportation Director at Barone Sanitation Jenny Hebborn warned some trainers may not be able to prevent a certain level of inventory loss if the track is demolished. "Like Little Wal...er...like Mr. Alcock says, things could happen. Be a real shame too, because those are really good dogs. It's up to you."

Trainer Dave 'Fat Davey' Lee said: “Obviously it’s devastating. Being a trainer, you never want to lose inventory. I don’t know what’s going to happen to the dogs, they should be looked after, but you tear down the track? It's outta my hands."

Sounds like they're making us a deal we can't refuse, huh Beth?

Beth is a very sweet and loving little girl who loves everyone she meets. She loves to be petted and wags her tail a lot because she is so happy. She loves other dogs and is cat safe. She knows how to go up and down the stairs and is housebroken. She does not mind being in her crate. She loves to go for walks and is great on the leash. She loves the older children she has met but has not met any young children yet.  Beth would be fine in a working home. Even though she has not met young children she would do well with well-behaved children of any age. She would be absolutely fine as an only dog in the home but loves other dogs so would also do well if there were other dogs. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Kentucky! Motto: Oh Crap, We Are That Stupid

We're coming to you today from the Be Careful What You Ask For Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. BCWYAF is a division of the Ignorance Is Bliss Corporation in partnership with What You Don't Know Won't Embarrass You, NA.

It seems the legislators in Kentucky decided one fine day that it would be a good idea to show those elitist pinhead intellectuals that had been pointing and laughing at Kentucky since the governor got snookered by that bible salesman  that the state had a world class educational system.

So how'd that work out for you?

Kentucky's Senate Republicans pushed successfully in 2009 to tie the state's testing program to national education standards, but three years later, they're questioning the results. "Turns out our kids are clueless as a frog in a milk pail," said Sen. David Givens, R-Greensburg.

Several GOP lawmakers questioned new proposed student standards and tests that delve deeply into biological evolution. "We're educating our children for 21st century careers here," said one republican aide who asked not to be identified because she didn't want her family to know she worked in the legislature. "Show me the Quickie Mart employee or the MacDonalds night manager who delves 'deeply into biological evolution' and I'll show you somebody that moved here from Ohio."

"I think we are very committed to being able to take Kentucky students and put them on a report card beside students across the nation," Givens said. "We're simply saying to the ACT people we don't want what is a theory to be taught as a fact in such a way it may damage students' ability to do critical thinking because the last thing we want them to be doing is examining scientific evidence when the bible just tells them what to believe."

Givens said he asked the ACT representatives about possibly returning to a test personalized for Kentucky, but he was told that option was very expensive and time-consuming because of all the research necessary in trying to figure out what a person living in the late 1700's would have known.

ACT vice president Ginger Hopkins, who appeared at Monday's meeting, did not immediately return calls seeking comment Tuesday but a spokesperson for his office explained that Kentucky shouldn't feel too badly. "At least they're not Louisiana," he said.

Another committee member, Rep. Ben Waide, R-Madisonville, said he had a problem with evolution being an important part of biology standards. "The theory of evolution is a theory, and essentially the theory of evolution is not science — Darwin made it up," Waide said. "My objection is they should ensure whatever scientific material is being put forth as a standard should at least stand up to scientific method. Under the most rudimentary, basic scientific examination, the theory of evolution has never stood up to scientific scrutiny."

Eds note: We present the above quote for you in its entirely and wholly unchanged, because try as we might we couldn't make it any more stupid. For those of you wondering where Representative Ben got his degree in biology, it was from the University of Louisville, where they call a PhD  in biology a  BA in Health Science. Tomato, tomahto.

Givens said he was satisfied with the response by ACT officials and state Education Commissioner Terry Holliday that evolution was being taught as a theory. "I think the key is we could debate the science of this as long as we don't pay attention to the science, but we hope our kids understand the theories behind evolution," he said. "We think our kids need to be critical thinkers to be able to reason between the two, then pick the bible because we tell them to."

The proposed science standards would require students to complete such tasks as: Differentiate among chemical evolution, organic evolution and the evolutionary steps along the way to aerobic heterotrophs and photosynthetic autotrophs. "See, that's devil talk right there," Waide said. "Ain't none of them words in the bible."

Vincent Cassone, chairman of the University of Kentucky biology department, served on the committee that developed the standards also suggested that a test of basic scientific literacy be developed for legislators, but the idea was vetoed by the governor who feared setting a precedent of competence. "We make laws affecting education," he said in a statement, "No where is it stated that we have to be educated."

We Elected A Black Guy. Isn't That Enough For You People?

Finally we get a school district that understand what educating kids in America is supposed to be all about and those pesky Feds start meddling in what was otherwise a system functioning perfectly well. 

Officials in Lauderdale County, Mississippi, have operated "a school-to-prison pipeline" that violates the constitutional rights of juveniles by incarcerating them for alleged school disciplinary infractions, some as minor as defiance, the U.S. Department of Justice said. "OK, first of all, juveniles and constitutional rights? Where'd that come from?" asked Lauderdale School District Assistant Superintendent for In School Incarceration Programs R.T. Claude 'Buster' Wiggins, Jr. "And secondly this is Mississippi. Schools are pretty much prisons anyway."

"Students most affected by this system are African-American children and children with disabilities," the Justice Department said. "Yeah Yeah, OK. Maybe disabled kids is a bit over the top," Wiggins conceded. "You probably aren't gonna steal a car if you're in a wheelchair, but these little negro chillin' just ain't got no respect for their white betters. They need prison to learn how to get along in polite society."

The letter also names two Lauderdale County Youth Court judges, Frank Coleman and Veldore Young. "Now you ought to leave Frank and Veldore out of this," Wiggins said. "They was just doing their jobs a getting these trouble makers off the street fer they did something dangerous like learned to read or something equally disruptive to the public peace."

In 2009, the Lauderdale County Juvenile Detention Facility in Meridian was the target of a federal class-action lawsuit by the Southern Poverty Law Center that alleged children and teens were subjected to "shockingly inhumane" treatment, the center said. The alleged mistreatment included youngsters being "crammed into small, filthy cells and tormented with the arbitrary use of Mace as a punishment for even the most minor infractions -- such as 'talking too much' or failing to sit in the 'back of their cells,'" the center said in a statement.

Well, we ain't got no buses here," Wiggins said.

 

There Is No Word For Whistleblower In Latin

Well, looks like the Prada Pope has himself a bit of a sticky wicket.

A judge at the Vatican has ordered the pope's butler and a fellow lay employee to stand trial over leaks from Pope Benedict XVI's private apartment. The indictment accuses the butler Paolo Gabriele, who was arrested in May, of grand theft.

Now, those of you who attend the whack churches might wonder why the judge on the case is a "vatican" judge and not a Roman judge, since the vatican is in Rome and all, so allow us, as lousy cath...um laughable...no...lapsed...yeah, lapsed catholics to explain, seeing as we still have our Lives of the Saints, the novena edition and Latin to English dictionary and all. See the catholic church is the only church in whenever, or wherever to own its own country. Right there in the middle of Rome, the capitol of the independent country of Italy is this little sovereign nation called the vatican and you know that has to frost Pat Robinson's gonads every time he thinks about it. We can almost hear him now, "That fat old Nazi has his own country with an army and everything, and all I have is this stupid TV show."

Cheer up Pat. At least you don't have to walk around wearing the drapes and sporting a chapeau that looks like it was designed by the Insane Clown Posse. Not to mention always smelling like you just walked out of a sixties head shop.

Where were we? Oh yeah, squealers.

While the Vatican had insisted Gabriele was the only person under investigation, the indictment also charges Claudio Sciarpelletti, a layman in the secretary of state's office, with aiding and abetting Gabriele.

"Aiding and abetting." That's some serious Law and Order SVU talk right there, but we're a little confused. If papa Ratzi says the hired man is supposed to take the fall, where'd this other guy come from? It's almost as if the dexteram doesn't know what the sinistram is up to.

The scandal has embarrassed the Vatican as it has exposed the infighting at high church levels, primarily among Italian prelates.

Ah, infighting. Gotcha. We're still a smidge unclear though. What exactly is it you guys are infighting over? We mean, it's not like your going to get the Board of Directors to vote the pope out and take the church public on the New York Stock Exchange or anything, so what is it, the keys to the sacristy wine locker?

There had been widespread speculation about the possibility of a mole in the secretary of state's office since some of the leaked documents seemed to cast doubt over Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone's ability as the Vatican's No 2.

 Oh, we get it. You're saying the popester is like untouchable and whatnot, being god's primo dude here on planet earth, but number 2? Well, Jesus never said anything about that. Besides, Brother Ratzi isn't going to be around forever you know. This is sort of like King Lear, except with perverts.

Friday Hound Blogging

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that happiness is a Potemkin village built in the valley of disillusionment...erm...we mean know that we are loathe to give up our little digital soap box here on the porch of the marbled halls of IM Central, particularly on Fridays when we avail ourselves (and you honorable reader) of the latest feats and foibles of the overlords as they try to avoid gainful employment and meaningful existence.

However, yesterday as we were slooshing through the inter toobz, waiting for the Stoli to chill, we ran across the blog of well known animal rights wacko Karyn Zoldan who reported on the perplexity the Racing Commission in Arizona, a governmental body,  was having in determining what was a public record, as in, the records maintained by a governmental body.

Question: When is a public records request not a public records request?  Answer: When it’s sent to the Arizona Department of Racing. The Arizona Department of Racing is a state agency. And for the past gazillion years, it’s been funded by you the taxpayer from the state’s General Fund.

Now, admittedly our initial thought was that the Commission's newest member, friend of the blog Rory Goree must have attended his first meeting and this confusion is the result, but then we remembered, Mr. Goree doesn't have any difficulty recognizing public documents, he just doesn't want people to see them, particularly when they concern the number of greyhounds injured and killed, and killed because their injuries are deemed too expensive to fix.

 Well, a true conundrum, no? Oh wait, it seems the Commission no longer maintains the injury report.

Officials claimed that injury reports were no longer "maintained" by the agency and could not be produced.

Ah, there you go then. Can't release something you don't have, right?

Yesterday, we received proof that Dr. Andrew Carlton, Chief Veterinarian for the Department has in fact been in possession of injury documentation. This suggests that the agency has been playing hide-and-seek with the public record.

No, no no no. You've got it all wrong. It's not hide and seek, it's keep away. See the Commission gave the report to Dr. Carlton, so if you want it, you'll have to talk to him, at which time he'll give it back to the Commission.  Sort of like in grade school when someone would take your notebook and then toss it to another person when you tried to get it, who would then toss it to another, and so on. Remember how much fun that was?

But keep away aside, we've never dealt with the essential question of when is a public document public? Helpful commenter to Karyn's blog Marc B Evans lays it out for us:

The fact that a private entity is regulated by a government agency or that it receives tax subsidies do not make its records public. To get the injury logs, the state would have to require that race tracks submit them to the state agency as part of its regulation and the agency would have to "maintain" them as part of its regulatory duties. Then, assuming the Legislature doesn't exempt the records from review, which it frequently does for businesses it requires to submit reports (such as hospitals), the state agency would have to release the record.

 And thank you for clearing that up, Mr. Evans sir. You have truly done the public a service here...wait, what did you say Karyn?

TGP is not a private entity like a restaurant that must, for example, obey public health laws, pay sales tax and have non-discriminatory policies.  It is quasi-public because it must share its revenues by law with our state.  That's how pari-mutuel wagering works. 

Oh. So it turns out Mr. Evans is about 14 different kinds of wrong. But wait, he's not finished:

By my reading of this rule in the Administrative Code, these are public records. You should be able to obtain them. It doesn't matter whether they're not in the possession of the Department of Racing but kept either at the track or by the veterinarian. 

Well all righty then, we all agree. But why all the fuss in the first place? It's not like you're asking for the nuclear launch codes or anything.

A funny thing happened sometime after GREY2K USA released greyhound injury reports from Arizona racetracks in 2009. The Department of Racing decided it would no longer produce injury records to us.

Oh yeah. There is that whole state sanctioned animal abuse thing there. Tends to reflect badly on people who are supposed to have souls, right  Charon?

Charon is a very sweet but shy girl. She loves to play with the other Greyhounds in the household outside but once they are inside, she becomes shy. She loves to be petted but once she has gotten some attention she will back away. She is housebroken. She will go in her crate to take naps. She is learning to play with her toys. Charon would do best in a home with older well-behaved children due to her shyness, which her foster parents are working to help her overcome. She would do well as an only dog or with other dogs and she is cat safe. She would do best in a home with someone with experience with dogs who will be willing to work with her to help her overcome her shyness. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

58,343,671

Four years ago 58,343,671 people thought she was a good choice for Vice President:

58,343,671 voters put her in the same category as John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, Harry Truman, and Nelson Rockefeller to name a few.

 58,343,671, or 46% of the people smart enough to figure out how to put on their pants right and get down to a polling booth.

Now we're getting ready to have another election and a lot of those people are probably still around which is why we have it on good authority (an unnamed insider at Bain) that Romney planned on asking  Ann Coulter, but there were some...um...irregularities in her birth certificate.

Bobby Said We Could Have Your Money. He Didn't Say Anything About Your Rules

We're coming to you today from the Department of Advanced Pedagogy here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoAP is a division of the Learn Them Kids Right Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of We Don't Even Want To Teach The Little Sluts, Inc.

A while back, in one of our more sober moments we discoursed on the ramifications of President Obama's move to give states more latitude in how they fulfilled the tenets of NCLB. As we opined at the time, "we have a bad feeling about this." Now, we weren't specifically thinking about Louisiana at the time, but, well, Bobby Jindal, you know?

A Delhi Charter School policy that prevents pregnant female students from attending school and can force them to take a pregnancy test to continue attending school if administrators "suspect" pregnancy has drawn the attention of the American Civil Liberties Union. "And if your daughter tests positive we'll ask you to put a bumper sticker on your car that says 'I have a whore at Delhi Charter School,'" said a spokesperson for the school.

When asked to explain what parameters would lead school administrators to "suspect" a female student was pregnant, Vice Principal R. Buford Maddox, Jr. explained that there would be a calendar in the Principal's office where the girls would all record their periods. "We'll give you a couple days late," Maddox said, "but after that it's pee on the stick honey."

Delhi Charter School's policy states the school seeks to maintain an environment where students will learn and exhibit acceptable character traits such as it's always the girl's fault, do as you're told, and learn that you have to be married first, but you still can't enjoy it. When asked if male students would be dismissed if they engaged in sexual activity, the spokesperson replied, "Well, you can't blame the guys because some tramp can't keep her knees together...uh...I mean a full and complete investigation will be undertaken and appropriate action determined at that time."

Students who refuse to take a pregnancy test are "treated as a pregnant student and will be offered home study opportunities which will consist of intensive study Bristol Palin's memoir My Life So Far, weekly televised lectures on marriage and family from Newt Gingrich, and a subscription to Phyllis Schlafly's monthly newsletter Learn To Hate Yourself."

"Perhaps the school was not aware of the protections under Title IX (of the Education Amendments of 1972)," Marjorie Esman, executive director of the ACLU of Louisiana said. "I am feeling a bit frustrated that maybe not all of our schools are aware of these compliance issues. I hope they will remedy this or explain why they think they have the ability to do this."

"We don't have time for all this compliance nonsense." said Vice Principal Maddox. "What do you think this is, a public school?"

Maybe Once The Planet Turns Into A Charcoal Briquette You'll Realize Marriage Is Between A Man And A Woman

Our old daddy used to say "it takes a man to admit he's wrong,' which after a beat or two was followed with "because a woman never has to." It was basically his philosophy on marriage which, we hasten to add, kept him from having to sleep in the garage on many a night.

We offer that little anecdote as context for a followup on our post of last week in which we pointed out that the planet is slowly cinderizing when it isn't a howling blizzard of sideways snow and temperatures approaching those of liquid nitrogen. Either way, Thunderdome for those unlucky enough to survive. Additionally, we have apparently brought this on ourselves, unless you are a republican in which case liberal policies have created an uber class of elite intellectuals who will profit from the planet's impending meteorological apocalypse and must be fought with every last free market regulation lowering, tax avoiding tool available.

Well, since Oklahoma burned down last week, we thought we might revisit the aforementioned champions of free enterprise and see if they had all quit their day jobs to go into charcoal farming.

Republican lawmakers say this year's harsh weather that has produced devastating wildfires and the most widespread drought in 50 years has not changed their minds on climate change. "People say summers have gotten a lot hotter since they were kids," said Rep. Tim Huelskamp (R-Kan.). "That's not because of climate change, that's because you've grown up. You're closer to the sun now then when you were a little kid."

Sen. John Boozman (R-Ark.) also believes current conditions are part of normal volatility. “Sure the entire country is turning into a desert," he said, "But that doesn't mean a new ice age isn't just around the corner. Cycles man. Learn some science."

“Those same people don’t say that when we have cold weather, like if there’s a cold snap, so they’re not being consistent,” said Rep. Doug Lamborn (R-Colo.), whose Colorado Springs-based district saw the most destructive wildfire in state history earlier this summer. "I mean, you don't see these eggheads scientists talking about wild fires after one of those four day blizzards that shut down the whole east coast do you?"

In a floor speech last Monday, Sen. Jim Inhofe (R-Okla.) said, "Look at the patterns. It gets cold, it gets warmer, it gets colder, gets warmer. God is still up there, and bro,  if the dude came down here he'd think Old Ned moved his operation north 'cause it's so hot out there last week I caught a pre-cooked fish."

“I’ve heard a lot about the drought,” said Rep. Tim Griffin (R-Ark.), “but I have not heard one thing connecting this to climate change. Course, I get most of my information from Fox News and Rush Limbaugh, so I may not be the most up to date person on this issue."

Inhofe recounted that in the 1970s, some scientists were afraid of another ice age on Earth: "Now, we're all going to die, keep that in mind, whether it's global warming or another ice age, we're all going to die."

Right, but that's sort of the outcome we're trying to avoid here senator, you know, all of us dying? End of civilization? Cockroaches inherit the planet, stuff like that.

Life In The Republic (Pandemonium Edition)

Well, another fine late summer weekend has rolled through the marbled halls here at IM Central, and as is our wont in these dog days, we spent most of it blissfully out of touch with the activities of our betters, busily collecting shade and determinedly reducing the volume of Stoli extant in the world (please drink responsibly so we don't have to). Now however we find ourselves back in harness and the electronic computer machine haughtily insists on tattling on the activities of our countrymen in the previous 48.

First we hear of a fellow lover of freedom out exercising his Second Amendment rights.

The gunman who opened fire in a Sikh temple in Oak Creek, Wis., and killed six people has been identified as Wade Michael Page, an Army veteran who left the service with a less than honorable discharge.

Apparently making less than honorable discharges was a character flaw with which this gentleman was burdened. Single purpose mayhem is rather overdone though, don't you think? We need some of that good old American can do spirit. Witness this citizen who manages to assert his Second Amendment rights while--at the same time--commenting on the state of race relations in early 21st century America.

Authorities in Port St. Joe, Florida say a man charged with a hate crime felt inconvenienced by his arrest because he had “only shot a n*gger.” Walton Henry Butler, 59, was arrested by Gulf County Sheriff’s deputies on Monday night for shooting 32-year-old Everett Gant, who is black, in the head with a .22 caliber rifle.

Oh, we hear you Walton. Why the paperwork alone is enough to kill you, even if you just shoot a relative. We can imagine what it's like if you shoot one of those pampered minorities. Your mistake was probably calling the police to come and clean it up instead of doing it yourself.

And what kind of weekend would it be if somewhere, someone didn't reassert their support for that fundamental American principle, Freedom Of Religion? 

A Missouri mosque that had only weeks ago been targeted in an arson attack was burned down overnight. The FBI and ATF are investigating.

In other news, Curiosity landed safely on Mars. We're beginning to think we should have hitched a ride on that bad boy.

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Department of Visual Aids here in the marbled halls of IM Central. The DoVA is a division of the For Our Illiterate Friends Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of the Why Do You Think They Put Pictures Of The Food On The Menu Company.

See, every Friday we bring you news from the wacky world of the overlords in which they  proclaim their love and affection for the units...er...dogs and in which we then point out that the gulf between their  words and their deeds is...how to say this politely...measured in parsecs. Case in point: We all know how the overlords like to pontificate on the care and feeding greyhounds get at the track because athletes, massive investments, partners, so forth and what not. But then something like this comes along:

Goosebumps has been one of the most successful Angle Park greyhounds in recent years, with an impressive 26 wins around the state’s premier circuit. However her last place finish on June 28 would be the final appearance by the diminutive speedster, after suffering an injury that forced owner/trainer Matthew Payne to call it a day.

It's interesting that trainer Matthew Payne got to "call it a day" while Goosebumps got to die. We're sure he was grieving his loss as Goosebumps breathed her last. His loss of income that is.

Overall, Goosebumps will end her time with 63 starts for 30 wins and 12 placings in a career spanning almost 2 years at banking nearly $50,000 in the process.

Well, it's a tough business you know? Trainers can lose money and stuff.

On Friday July 6th track officials were eventually forced to cancel the last race after four dogs sustained broken hocks in four separate races. The injuries were treatable but judged potentially career ending and in order to protect profits - rather than protect the dogs themselves - all four dogs were destroyed at the track.

OK, you get the picture. Overlords tell anyone who will listen how much they care for the greyhounds trapped in their kennels, then off the dog when it looks like its cash generating capacity has run out. We take a brief moment out of your day on Fridays to point out this...ah...disparity in the hopes that somewhere, someone, perhaps an overlord,  might come to the conclusion that his or her chosen field of endeavor is at odds with well, pretty much everything that makes humans human and not two legged scorpions all with the empathy of a Black Mamba having a bad day.

Frankly though, we have to say we haven't been all that successful--there is this guy, but we're pretty sure he just figured things out on his own--so like all teachers do when encountering reluctant learners, we're adapting our lesson plan.We ran across a nice visual aide the other day which sums up in a graphic way, what we have been saying about the wholesale abuse and cruelty visited upon innocent living creatures in the name of profit...erm...we mean greyhound racing. Please feel free to share. Click to view the IMAX 3D version.

OK, just so there's no misunderstanding, overlords, that top row? That represents the particular zip code of delusion in which you spend the bulk of your days. That bottom row? That's where people still connected to reality find themselves. Oh, and in case you're wondering where we stand on the issue: Click for the steroidal version.

We'd like to close this week with a special shout out to friend of the blog Rory Goree whom, you may recall was recently appointed to be the third wheel on the Arizona Racing Commission. Mr Goree, we hope any marks left by the spanking you recently received by the Governor's staff for your...erm...unfortunate pubic comments have healed and you have learned your lesson. As you say, "as a racing regulator appointed by the Governor, I realize that I must be more careful in my public statements."

So true, Mr. Goree, but we wouldn't worry much about it if we were you because your tenure on the Commission is going to be a race between when the Governor finally realizes what a loser she's appointed and fires you, or the one remaining track in Arizona closes and your position becomes moot.
What do you say  Craigie? Want to engage in a little wager as to which comes first?

Craigie Murphy is a very happy, friendly boy. He loves to be around people and other dogs. He does well in his crate and is housebroken. He loves to go for walks and he loves everyone he meets while out walking. He is also cat safe. He has learned to go up and down the stairs. He is a squeaky toy spaz. When he hears squeaky toys, he will “plow” through the other dogs just to get to the toy. He is also a collector. He will empty the toy box and bring things to his bed. He is a counter surfer and since he is so tall, this is an easy task for him but his foster parents are working with him on this issue. Craigie Murphy is used to being by himself while his foster parents are at work so he would do fine in a working home. He would be fine in a home with children of any age. He loves playing with the other dogs in the foster home so he would probably do best in a home with another dog for company. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.