Monday, August 13, 2012

There Is No Word For Whistleblower In Latin

Well, looks like the Prada Pope has himself a bit of a sticky wicket.
A judge at the Vatican has ordered the pope's butler and a fellow lay employee to stand trial over leaks from Pope Benedict XVI's private apartment. The indictment accuses the butler Paolo Gabriele, who was arrested in May, of grand theft.
Now, those of you who attend the whack churches might wonder why the judge on the case is a "vatican" judge and not a Roman judge, since the vatican is in Rome and all, so allow us, as lousy, lapsed catholics to explain, seeing as we still have our Lives of the Saints, the novena edition and Latin to English dictionary and all. See the catholic church is the only church in whenever, or wherever to own its own country. Right there in the middle of Rome, the capitol of the independent country of Italy is this little sovereign nation called the vatican and you know that has to frost Pat Robinson's gonads every time he thinks about it. We can almost hear him now, "That fat old Nazi has his own country with an army and everything, and all I have is this stupid TV show."

Cheer up Pat. At least you don't have to walk around wearing the drapes and sporting a chapeau that looks like it was designed by the Insane Clown Posse. Not to mention always smelling like you just walked out of a sixties head shop.

Where were we? Oh yeah, squealers.
While the Vatican had insisted Gabriele was the only person under investigation, the indictment also charges Claudio Sciarpelletti, a layman in the secretary of state's office, with aiding and abetting Gabriele.
"Aiding and abetting." That's some serious Law and Order SVU talk right there, but we're a little confused. If papa Ratzi says the hired man is supposed to take the fall, where'd this other guy come from? It's almost as if the dexteram doesn't know what the sinistram is up to.
The scandal has embarrassed the Vatican as it has exposed the infighting at high church levels, primarily among Italian prelates.
Ah, infighting. Gotcha. We're still a smidge unclear though. What exactly is it you guys are infighting over? We mean, it's not like your going to get the Board of Directors to vote the pope out and take the church public on the New York Stock Exchange or anything, so what is it, the keys to the sacristy wine locker?
There had been widespread speculation about the possibility of a mole in the secretary of state's office since some of the leaked documents seemed to cast doubt over Cardinal Tarcisio Bertone's ability as the Vatican's No 2.
 Oh, we get it. You're saying the popester is like untouchable and whatnot, being god's primo dude here on planet earth, but number 2? Well, Jesus never said anything about that. Besides, Brother Ratzi isn't going to be around forever you know. This is sort of like King Lear, except with perverts.

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