Wednesday, August 22, 2012

And That Voice That Says "Please Hold, Your Call Is Important To Us?" It's Satan

Frequent reader(s) of this blog have accepted that ambition is the mother of disappointment...erm...we mean are aware that we occasionally opine on issues of theology and religion here in the marbled halls of IM Central. While we don't pretend to be bible experts (having only read the dirty parts) we do feel that our years under the tutelage of the Christian Brothers and the Sisters of the Order of Perpetual Detention, plus our ability to swear in Latin (That report is due today? Hui Excrementum!) provides us with bona fides significant enough to comment on this.
A local elementary school is trying to implement a new program in their cafeteria. But the palm vein scanner is being met with much opposition from Moss Bluff Elementary parents. "I was very, very mad," said parent Mamie Sonnier. "Disappointed. As a Christian, I've read the Bible, you know go to church and stuff," said Sonnier. "I know where it's going to end up coming to, the mark of the beast. I'm not going to let my kids have that."
Good point Mrs. Sonnier. With a parent like you they really can't afford to have too much else go wrong in their lives. But to be fair, we should let Principal Charles Caldarera explain why he has allowed Satan access to the children in his care.
"We are so large," said Caldarera. "With an elementary school, they all come through line, and most of them eat here. It would make us more efficient and more accurate. We've had parents complain in the past, because they felt like their children weren't eating, that we assigned them a charge for the day, and they might have been right."
Oh sure, that's what we would expect the devil to say. Efficiency. Accuracy. Those are engraved on the gates of hell you can be sure. And kids not eating? Hunger is a small price to pay for rescuing your immortal soul from the fires of Perdition.
"I'd probably pull them out of the school, and transfer them to another school," said Sonnier.
Well, once the other kids find out you're their mother that might be best. Heck, we were embarrassed to be seen in public with our dad when he wore his old Lumberjack hat. We can imagine how your children will feel going back to school knowing that everyone will be pointing and saying those are the kids of that lady who thinks the holy spirit comes down into your microwave and pops your popcorn for you.

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