Tuesday, March 31, 2009

She Tried Out For Miss Geneva Convention, But Didn't Make It Out Of The Semis

OK, so we want to say right up front that we don't have anything against beauty queens. We even felt sorry for this girl--well, after about a week or so. Anyway the point is, like most folks we don't watch beauty pageants for the scintillating analysis of world events and explanations of science breakthroughs, so when we read that the new Miss [Insert meaningless title here] recently visited Guantanamo we weren't surprised at her review of the place.
This week, Guantánamo!!! It was an incredible experience.
Yeah. We're sure that's how Mohammad el-Gharani will describe it too.
The first thing we did was attend a big lunch and then we visited one of the bars they have in the base. We talked about Gitmo and what is was like living there.
Boy Howdy You Betcha! 'Course they didn't have to wear black out goggles, or have their ears and noses muffled, nor were they forced to go nude (although we're sure they were asked to volunteer), sleep deprived, or exposed to prolonged cold and isolation, so they may not have gotten the full flavor of the place.
We also met the Military dogs, and they did a very nice demonstration of their skills.
We're assuming they mean these military dogs, not these military dogs, because we have to believe the women's underwear would have been a dead giveaway, even for beauty queens.
We visited the Detainees camps and we saw the jails, where they shower, how the recreate themselves with movies, classes of art, books. It was very interesting.
Recreate yourself with movies, classes of art, books...so that's what the kids are calling it these days.
The water in Guantánamo Bay is soooo beautiful! It was unbelievable.
Well, unless it's being poured in your nose and mouth.
I didn’t want to leave, it was such a relaxing place, so calm and beautiful.
Yeah, we're not sure everyone would agree with that sentiment Dayana, but regardless, you look marvelous.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Texas! Motto: Ain't No Stupid Like Texas Stupid

Frequent readers of this blog probably need to reevaluate their priorities...er...we mean have enjoyed several previous visits to the Lone Star state with us, most recently to examine Governor Perry's principled stand against the commie Obama's free money handout.

Well, now it's the State Board of Education's turn to step up to the plate and protect the good people of Texas from the evil tentacles of...um...erm...Science. We have obtained a video of the meeting at which the new state standards for science were agreed upon:

The State Board of Education passed science curriculum standards that members described as a compromise between those who are about as smart as a bag of fruit flies and those who feared attacks on evolution would lead to the teaching of creationism in Texas schools. "This is a banner day for students in Texas schools," State board Chairman Don McLeroy said. "From this day forward they will be protected from learning about things I don't like."

The new standards remove current requirements that students be taught the "strengths and weaknesses" of scientific theories. Instead, teachers will be required to have students scrutinize "all sides" of the theories. "And by 'all sides' we mean evidence collected by scientists from any number of disciplines over the last 150 years, and stuff we made up to confuse them," McLeroy said.

The new standards will determine what will be included in science textbooks in Texas. Because of its size, Texas could influence what publishers print in books used in other states. "Hey, if Texas is stupid, the rest of you should be stupid too," said John West, a senior fellow at the discovery institute.

Even though initial pushes to include teaching the "insufficiencies" of evolution were rejected, board Chairman Don McLeroy, R-College Station, said the new wording still gets the point across in that it requires students to analyze and evaluate evolution's explanation for both the complexity of cells and the sudden appearance and lack of change in species in the fossil record. "I think the standards that were adopted are better than what I proposed," McLeroy said. "'Course I also believe a white guy with a big beard made the whole universe in six days 6000 years ago, so what do I know?"

Bob Craig, R-Lubbock, one of the board members who was against McLeroy's "insufficiencies" proposal, agreed that the board ended up with a better document than it started with. "It removes some of the controversial language but still encourages students to think critically," Craig said."Well, think as critically you can about something people tell you you have to believe or you're going to hell that is."

Friday, March 27, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you today from the Things Are Never So Bad They Can't Get Worse Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. TANSBTCGW is a division of the Life Sucks And Then You Die Corporation in partnership with Take Me Jesus, Take Me Now, LLC.

Now, to say the overlords have been having a rough run of luck these last few years is sort of like saying the republicans' budget is a tad short on specifics.

A while back we told you about the track at Hinsdale going belly up, narrowly beating out the state that was about to close it down anyway. Well, now, for those of you with a nostalgic bent, it is possible to own a piece of history, or a piece of crap depending on your point of view.

Attorneys for the Hinsdale Greyhound Park in bankruptcy court have scheduled a public auction on the facility's property next month. Deborah Notinger, attorney for the Chapter 7 trustee representing the park, said the auction will begin at 10 a.m. on April 18 at the track on Route 119. "The idea is to dump as much of this junk as we can and maybe be able to pay off the water bill," she said. In a Chapter 7 filing, the debtor wants the assets liquidated as quickly as possible, she said. "Come early! No reasonable offer refused. And by 'reasonable' we mean being able to give us any amount of real money for whatever useless thing you're dumb enough to buy."

Ah, so sad. So sad. To see this once great center of heartless animal exploitation reduced to selling crumbs on the street corner. Well, at least the track in Wisconsin is thriving, right Ms. Murray?

Recently in an attempt to educate myself I spent part of an afternoon at Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha, WI. I was there on a Sunday afternoon for the matinee races. The track opens at 11am and the official races begin at 1pm. Perhaps it is a sign of the times that the entire general admission section of the park remains closed most days and all attendees are directed to the second floor Clubhouse for the nominal entrance fee of $1.00.

Now, now, Ms. Murray, let's not make assumptions. Everyone knows the reason patrons are directed to the Clubhouse is because the General Admission gates are out in the open and even people who frequent the track are savvy enough to know that they don't want their friends and neighbors to see them there.

What would traditionally have been a 20 race lineup for the afternoon were only 16 races on this particular Sunday, and in some races a position was empty. As the turnout and therefore wagering at the track lessen, the industry becomes less lucrative and the relative cost of maintaining a dog becomes more expensive.

Unfortunately, Ms. Murray makes a good point, however, as we all know cost is no object to making sure the dogs have the finest care available, right Mr. Freeman?

A greyhound trainer who kept more than 30 dogs in “concentration camp” conditions with no food, water or light has been locked up for causing unnecessary suffering. Colchester Magistrates' Court heard the teenager from Swansea left the dogs in cages covered in urine and excrement without food or water for days causing some of them to go “kennel crazy”, biting at the bars and walking round in circles constantly.

Oh. Umm...well...yeah...ah...Hey Guerrero, want to buy the crate you used to be stuck in 22 hours a day?

Guerrero is a total love. He comes over to you and will stand with you as long as you are petting him. When you stop petting him, occasionally he will take his nose, and rub your arm. He will come up to you and stare you eye-to-eye, looking for attention. He loves attention and will push his way in with the other dog in the home. When he gets excited he will get up on his two back feet, and jump up and down like a pogo stick. He will let foster mom hug him. He’s definitely a lover. He is adjusting well in the home. He knows no, and outside. He’s becoming his foster mom’s shadow. He likes to be near people. He climbs the three stairs in and out of the house with no problem. He hasn’t tried the basement stairs yet. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

And If We Had Eggs We Could Have Ham And Eggs If We Had Ham

As part of our ongoing series that is, well, going on, we have decided to bring you updates on the lives of those hardy souls who braved the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune in the last presidential election and had their...erm...posteriors returned to them in a tastefully wrapped box. Today, Sarah "in what way, Charlie" Palin.

In a little-noticed speech to AARP Early Bird dinner last week, Palin riffed for nearly an hour on a variety of topics, but the Alaska governor returned multiple times to the "unprecedented level of media slant" that she witnessed during her two-months trying to make John McCain palatable to people smarter than fruit flies. "They would ask me questions and expect me to answer them," she said to the mostly drunk crowd. "They expected me to know stuff right off the top of my head. They never expected that of John McCain. It's because I'm a woman isn't it?"

Reflecting on the campaign, Palin said there were "a variety of reasons" Republicans lost in November, namely the faltering economy, the war, George Bush, the Abramoff scandal, George Bush, wrecking the constitution, the deficit, Halliburton, George Bush, Katrina, incompetence, and George Bush, but she seemed to place most of the blame on the press. "If they hadn't reported all that stuff, we wouldn't need to elect a darkie to run the party to try and convince people who aren't like us that we give a crap about them," she said.

"And there was that media slant this go round," she said. "And unless things change, the GOP had really better can stand together, 'cause we got that on the battlefield also. I call it like I see it and like I lived it on the campaign trail. Not complaining, but dealing with reality."

At this point the members of the audience looked quizzically at one another, but Governor Palin ordered the waitresses to bring another round on her and the room erupted into thundering applause.

The governor also took a shot at an environmental group fronted by actress Ashley Judd — the Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund — that has mounted a campaign against the governor to halt the practice aerial wolf hunting in Alaska. Palin called on her fellow republicans to "stand up to those goofy Defenders of Wildlife celebrity starlets who don't even know about Alaska. We've got millions of acres of pristine wilderness, and abundant wildlife, so we've got to come together as republicans and ask ourselves, what's the best way to wreck that?"

"It's no small accomplishment that no terrorist attack has occurred since 9/11," Palin said. "Well, except for that anthrax stuff, but that doesn't count because the guy who did it was white."

"Sometimes, the middle of the fence is really the most uncomfortable place to be," she said. "How about we just keep it simple? To grow, we've got to be who we are."

"Keep it simple." Well, you got that covered.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Only 700K? Phffft! I'm Outta Here!

Frequent readers of this blog know the scent of futility hangs heavy in the air...er...we mean know we haven't had much to say about the AIG bailout and subsequent bonuses paid to the employees so they wouldn't leave the company they ruined. We make no pretense about understanding any of this except to have the sneaking suspicion that rich people are getting richer by taking money from the government--which we thought was welfare. Apparently we were mistaken in that belief too, maybe because a lot of these people already own Cadillacs.

So today we ran across a letter written by a fellow name of Jake DeSantis who says he worked at AIG and he explains the whole thing is just one big misunderstanding and now that everyone hates AIG and all the people who work there--even though they are in no way responsible for all that crazy stuff they did--he is going to quit and open a clinic in Rwanda. Or something. Anyway, let's let him tell it:

I am proud of everything I have done for the commodity and equity divisions of A.I.G.-F.P. I was in no way involved in — or responsible for — the credit default swap transactions that have hamstrung A.I.G. which everyone knows were the fault of minorities.

After 12 months of hard work dismantling the country...er...company — during which A.I.G. reassured us many times we would be rewarded--because nothing succeeds like failure — we in the financial products unit have been betrayed by A.I.G. and are being unfairly persecuted by elected officials. In response to this, I will leave the company and donate my entire post-tax retention payment to those suffering from the global economic downturn, namely me, because I'm now unemployed.

I take this action after 11 years of dedicated, honorable service to A.I.G during which I was able to find my office on my own most days. I can no longer effectively perform my duties in this dysfunctional environment where people are actually being asked to accept responsibility for their actions, nor am I being paid to do so. Like you, I was asked to work for an annual salary of $1, and I agreed out of a sense of duty to the company and the fact that I kept my expense account, living allowance, company car and all the company sponsored club memberships. Now that the weather is getting nice, I can no longer justify spending 10, 12, 14 hours a day away from the golf course for the benefit of those who have let me down.

I started at this company in 1998 as an equity trader, became the head of equity and commodity trading and, a couple of years before A.I.G.’s meltdown last September, was named the head of business development for commodities. Over this period the equity and commodity units were consistently profitable — in most years generating net profits of well over $100 million. Of course, as we're finding out now those were all imaginary profits made up of imaginary money, but that's beside my point.

The profitability of the businesses with which I was associated clearly supported my compensation. I never received any pay resulting from the credit default swaps that are now losing so much money because, as we both knew and now the rest of the country is finding out, there was no money there anyway. No real money, just good wishes and ponies.

I have the utmost respect for the civic duty that you are now performing at A.I.G. You are as blameless for these credit default swap losses as I am because we are both in supervisory positions and that means we have permission to delegate blame to the minions. Ain't management great? I'll miss it.

My guess is that in October, when you learned of these retention contracts, you realized that the employees of the financial products unit needed some incentive to stay because, let's face it, who in their right mind would want to work in a department as screwed up as that one, and that the contracts, being both ethical and useful, should be left to stand. That and because we threatened to sue your silk suited behind from here to Wangdangistan and back again if you didn't.

You’ve now asked the current employees of A.I.G.-F.P. to repay these earnings. As you can imagine, there has been a tremendous amount of serious thought and heated discussion about how we should respond to this breach of trust. No, not the breach of trust between AIG and the American people, the breach of trust that you wouldn't keep dumping boat loads of cash on us even though we make the occupants of a clown car look like a MENSA meeting.

As most of us have done nothing wrong, guilt is not a motivation to surrender our earnings. Besides, in order to feel guilt you need a conscience and I don't see anything about needing a conscience in my job description. Greed and stunning myopia, sure, but guilt? Nada, zip, zilch.

Many of the employees have, in the past six months, turned down job offers from more stable employers such as Home Depot, Walmart and Bed Bath and Beyond, based on A.I.G.’s assurances that the contracts would be honored. They are now angry about having been misled by A.I.G.’s promises and are not inclined to return the money as a favor to you. Neener, neener, neener.

Some might argue that members of my profession have been overpaid, and I wouldn’t disagree, and the fact that we were paid with real money while earning imaginary money for our companies is, well, inconvenient for those investors who didn't see the difference, but hey, am I my stockholders keeper?

On March 16 I received a payment from A.I.G. amounting to $742,006.40, after taxes. In light of the uncertainty over the ultimate taxation and legal status of this payment, the actual amount I donate may be less —say $1.50. OK, $2.00. Come on, have you seen the price on golf ball markers? What? You think I'm going to mark my ball with a quarter or something? Come on, what am I? Middle management or something?

This choice is right for me. I wish others at A.I.G.-F.P. luck finding peace with their difficult decision, and only hope their judgment is not clouded by fear that they might have to work at a job where their performance is actually measured and evaluated.

I’ll continue over the short term to help make sure no balls are dropped, but after what’s happened this past week I can’t remain much longer because frankly, there aren't many balls left to be dropped. Now, if you'd just send someone over to show me how to work this elevator thingy. My personal assistant was laid off a couple of weeks ago.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Can We All Agree That A Fetus Is Three Fifths Of A Person?

Hey, remember back way long time ago when we had one of them there...whaddaycallit...election thingys? And a black dude won? Then everyone went John Galt and the world ended? No wait, that was the book. Well, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central, being of a historical bent, got to thinking about some of the bit players from this last installment of the quadrennial American Kabuki so we thought we check in with one or two and see how they've been filling their days now that the circus has left town.

OK, so right now you're thinking "Historical bent? What about just plain bent?" and we do not appreciate your implication, however, on to more important matters:

Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee likened abortion to slavery in a speech during a fundraiser for an anti-abortion group. "Well, if you think about it, childhood is like slavery too, because you're totally dependent on your parents for food and shelter, have to do what they say, and only have whatever freedom they give you. Course, once you're born you're not our concern anymore so that doesn't affect the fact that my metaphor cannot be defeated."

Huckabee said that when it abolished slavery, the U.S. debated and decided it was immoral for one person to have complete, life-or-death power over another. "Or we had a Civil War and Lincoln ended slavery because he won. I'm a little foggy on the details." He said that should not change unless it concerns the control of a husband over his wife. "Every rule has exceptions," he added.

Huckabee said civilization cannot survive if "one group of people have life and death control over another for no particular reason other than their own conveniences and, in that case, prejudices. Well, unless that 'group' is husbands, like I said before."

"Before laws get changed, we're gonna have to get all Left Behind on the American people, but especially those who will ultimately make the decision as to whether or not they will give an unborn child life or whether they will give it a death sentence," he said.

To make his point, Huckabee examined the degree to which American culture and laws have changed in four different issues compared with the mainstream opinion before national public awareness campaigns. He said:

—Advertisements featuring a crying American Indian helped encourage motorists not to litter.

—Ads with crash test dummies have led to more people wearing seat belts.

—Extensive smoking cessation advertising has helped reduce cigarette use and make the practice less socially acceptable.

—Mothers Against Drunk Driving has helped draw attention to the dangers of intoxicated drivers.

Yeah, we think we see where you're going with this Huck. So, now that no one litters anymore, everyone wears seat belts, and no one smokes or drives drunk, we should turn the awesome power of the tee vee loose on TEH PREGGERS.

OK, here's our pitch: Scene: A middle class bungalow living room. A wife is thinking about getting an abortion and her husband finds out. Cut to the bedroom where he spanks that disobedient wifley booty. Then they pray together and go out for ice cream. What do you think? Have your people call our people.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Pope Visits Africa; Surprised By The High Number Of Black People

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the cold grasp of despair...er...we mean know that we spent a good portion of our formative years being nurtured and guided by the church catholic. Yes it does explain a lot doesn't it?

Anyway, now that the night terrors have subsided we like to peek in on the old gang from time to time and see what sort of wacky situations they've gotten themselves into. Oh look, the pope's in Africa. This ought to be good. You can tell this kid's enjoying himself:

Pope Benedict urged catholics in Angola to shun witchcraft and woo back those who have left the Catholic church to join other religious groups, including some that believe in spirits and sorcerers. "If you must believe in spirits and sorcerers, at least believe in my spirits and sorcerers," the pope said.

"So many of them are living in fear of spirits, of malign and threatening powers when they should be living in fear of pedophile priests. In their bewilderment they even end up condemning street children and the elderly as alleged sorcerers. Well, I'm with you on the kids, but old people are no threat," the 81 year old pontiff told the crowd.

Flourishing of evangelical sects has been a big problem for the catholic church since lead levels in drinking water have been reduced and literacy levels have begun to rise.The number of sects in the former Portuguese colony has jumped to 900 from just 50 in 1992. Experts say the sects attract Angolans because their rituals are very intense and blend in traditional African beliefs, and some promise an immediate end to suffering in a country where the majority of the population is still very poor. "Hey, we promise that too," the pope said. "And you don't have to do any of that witchcraft mumbo jumbo rub yourself with eye of newt stuff either. Just show up on Sunday and watch us do things you don't understand while speaking Latin."

The pope presided at a rally for tens of thousands of young people at Luanda stadium and remarked that some in the crowd had been injured by landmines."But landmines are god's way of curing AIDS without increased condom use," he said.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

OK, here's a puzzler. How is it that the overlords can do this :

The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track will stage the richest race of the year when the $30,000 Naples-Fort Myers Classic is held on Saturday.

and then do this:

The Naples-Fort Myers Greyhound Track will eventually close and be sold unless the Florida Legislature lets it expand gaming to compete with Seminole Indians at venues such as Immokalee.

Give up? What's your guess Rocky? Mirrors?

“Rocky” is great dog who loves people. He encourages his foster family to pet him and likes to be doted on. To get comfortable Rocky likes to “make his bed” out of blankets and pillows in the middle of the living room floor. He builds them into a mountain and collapses on top. From there he can watch all the comings and goings of the foster family, and know when it’s time to run into the yard to play with his foster family’s Labrador. They are already great pals. Rocky would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children over age 12. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Please Stay On The Line For An Important Message From Worshipper #67434

You know, sometimes we pull the bottle of Stoli out of the freezer, throw a few ice cubes in the tumbler, pour out a generous portion and ensconce ourselves in front of the electronic computing and communicating device and proceed to sloosh through the inter tubz searching out the latest nugget of Ironicus at its Maximus for your reading pleasure.

And then there are days like today.
Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget.
OK, so we've got a couple of questions about this. First, do you really think god appreciates robo-calls? And second, since god is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent do you really think its going to matter to him that your prayer for a winning lotto ticket comes in a few hours late?
We use state of the art text to speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.
What? Is god hard of hearing? Are you trying to fool him into thinking it's really you? And what's with the name on the screen? Shouldn't your name be in your prayer recording? "Hi god. It's me, Bill. Please reference previous prayer recording #376 and include the following update..."
At Information Age Prayer we think our service should be used like a prayer supplement, to extend and strengthen a subscriber's connection with God. Traditional prayer is an integral part of this connection and should never be forgone, even after signing up.
A prayer supplement? More like a prayer nag. We just can't see god being happy with this.
Rather than paying for multiple months at once, you may subscribe to a given prayer service and PayPal will be automatically bill you each month.
And what's god's cut? You know, we're getting the feeling some one's about to be turned into a toad here. Just saying.


Tuesday, March 17, 2009

That Better Be A Tan Or You're About To Become A Revenue Generator

OK so times are tough all over and people are buying cat food recipe books. We get that. Also, we all know immigrants take jobs away from unemployed Americans who would otherwise be, well, unemployed because no one has a job except that teen aged stoner who works at the liquor store drive through. We don't get that, but that's not the point.

The point is when people find something they do well, and other people want to pay to see them to do it, what's the big deal? Even if that something is sitting in jail.

At a time when local law enforcement agencies are being forced to cut budgets and freeze hiring, cities across Southern California have found a growing source of income -- brown people. "It's a win win," Santa Ana Police Chief Paul Walters said. "We get money for picking up people who would otherwise be looking for jobs that don't exist anyway."

For some cash-strapped cities, the federal money has become a critical source of revenue, covering budget shortfalls and saving positions. "It's like the beaners aren't taking jobs, they're creating them," Walters said. "What a topsy turvy world we live in, huh? Of course there's that whole incarceration thing, and the fact that we put them in with hardened criminals, but hey, everyone has to take one for the team now and then."

When Santa Ana received bond money to build a police headquarters and jail, it did so with the taco benders in mind. Rather than constructing a facility to house its own inmates, it built a much larger facility and soon started cruising parts of town where they were known to hang out. The federal contracts cover nearly the entire tomato picker population of the city...er...I mean cost of the jail, said Russell Davis, the jail administrator. If he had to do it all over again, Davis said, he would have built another floor on the jail. The immigration agency "is inundated with detainees," he said. "If I had 100 more beds, they'd fill them. You can't believe how many border bunnys are just out walking around. It's like they don't know we're picking them up for being in America while brown."

Not everyone is as pleased as Davis over those arrangements. Immigrant rights advocates have raised concerns about local jails not following federal detention standards and not segregating detainees from people suspected of committing crimes. "Picky, picky, picky," Davis responded. "Look, Most of them are criminals already...what, they're not? OK, then they can't speak English. They can? Umm...let me get back to you."

Victor Hidalgo, 36, finished a five-year sentence in state prison on a drug charge before being transferred into immigration custody. Hidalgo, who is from Nicaragua, said he and others have jobs, families and homes here and are not a danger to society. "We're not national security risks," he said.

"We never said they were," Walters responded. "What they are are profit centers."

"It was a strategy to help us financially," said Edward Flores, chief of Santa Clara County's Department of Correction. "It's not like we're doing it to white people."

Friday, March 13, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, we all know times have been tough for the overlords. Now, as if to add insult to injury, it turns out the state isn't paying enough attention to people who used to suck their meager existence off the backs of the dogs.

Heidi Doherty didn’t seriously expect the governor to reply to the e-mail she sent his office in November, after voters elected to make dog racing illegal. But she expected more than the “canned response” she said she got moments after, thanking her for sharing her thoughts. "It's almost like he doesn't want to be associated with us."

Yeah. Go figure.

After that first contact, Doherty and about a half-dozen others whom The Enterprise interviewed said they heard nothing more from Gov. Deval Patrick’s office. When an Enterprise reporter called Patrick’s press office to ask about the e-mails, the inquiry was immediately sent to another state agency. "Applications for Walmart greeter school are handled through the labor department," a spokesperson for the governor's said.

Donna Hahn of Taunton, who said she wrote twice to the governor and once to President Obama, counts herself among the disillusioned. "All them big banks are getting the bailout," she said. "Why can't I get me some of that money too. Look at me. I weigh almost 400 pounds. I'm too big to fail."

Whoa. Well, it looks like there's some downsizing in her future, right Tear?

Tear is friendly, outgoing and loving. She likes to follow her foster family around the home. She is a happy girl; her tail is always wagging. She likes to play but will calm quickly. She loves to go for walks. She really likes her foster dad and will run over to him to say “Hi” before she goes outside. She will stand next to the bed in the morning when her family is waking up. She will chase and fetch a tennis ball. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Tear would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. She can be a bit vocal when first left alone, so she needs to be in a single family home.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Love is not love Which alters when it alteration finds, Or Bends with the remover to remove.

Ah, love! That dulcet song wafts through the budding trees of May on a warming breeze mingled with the sweet, sweet scent of lilacs and gently brushes by. You reach out, hesitant, tentative, unsure. What right have you to hope? What reason to dream this happiness, this little slice of paradise can be yours? But wait! What's this? There before you, a butterfly lights on the stem of a rose, its delicate, wings capture the azure sky, aflame in the west with the sunset. Is it a sign? You lean closer, and suddenly what you thought was the Purple Emperor becomes that other shape, If shape it might be call'd, that shape had none, Distinguishable in member, joint, or limb; Or substance might be call'd that shadow seem'd; For each seem'd either; black it stood as night, Fierce as ten furies, terrible as Hell, And shook a dreadful dart; what seem'd his head The likeness of a kingly crown had on. Satan was now at hand; and from her seat The monster, moving onward, came as fast With horrid strides; Hell trembled as she strode.

Oh, it's Bristol.
Levi Johnston and Bristol Palin, the teenage daughter of Gov. Sarah Palin, have broken off their engagement, he said Wednesday, about 2 1/2 months after the couple had a baby.
Wait. "The couple" had a baby? We thought that was Bristol's job. See what happens when you let gays get married? Screws up the whole arrangement god intended.
Bristol Palin said in a statement that she was devastated about a report on Star magazine's Web site that quoted Levi's sister, Mercede, as saying Bristol "makes it nearly impossible" to visit the teenagers' infant son, Tripp.
Mercede, Tripp, Bristol. What is this, the Romneys?
"Unfortunately, my family has seen many people say and do many things to `cash in' on the Palin name," Bristol said.
"Cash in?" You mean like being able to get the big booth by the window at Dennys any time you want, even if that butt head Monegan is sitting there?
SarahPAC spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton did not immediately respond to calls seeking further information. The governor's spokesman, Bill McAllister, declined comment.
Except to say that if that trailer trash thinks he'll ever work in Alaska again he's been hit in the head by the puck one too many times. Can you say Wooten?
Sarah Palin revealed her daughter's pregnancy just days after being named John McCain's running mate on the Republican presidential ticket. She had said in December that her daughter and Johnston "are committed to accomplish what millions of other young parents have accomplished, to provide a loving and secure environment for their child."
Of course, in Alaska providing "a loving and secure environment for their child" means making sure to keep his formula separate from the whiskey and not letting him know there are loaded guns in the house.
In an interview that aired on Fox News last month, Bristol Palin said her fiance saw the baby every day and described him as a "hands-on" dad.
Yeah, but the problem was he had his hands on the new waitress down at the Tug Bar.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

And You Should Wear A Patch On Your Coat

There's only one place in the country where this could happen.

If you guessed Oklahoma, pour yourself a stiff one and review the Ironicus Maximus black hole of stupid theory.

There will be a quiz later.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Doctors Are Supposed To Save Lives? Ha! Tell It To Satan Brother

OK now look, we've been giving the catholic church a little heat lately for some less that churchly pronouncements, but hey, like the apologists...er...bible...no...Bill O'Reilly...well, somebody who should know says, the people who make up the earthly church are not really the "church," they just rent space. Or something.

Anyway, when Ironicus is wrong, Ironicus is the first to admit it, after everyone else does, and we're here to tell you that we've just heard that the catholic church has stepped up to the plate and brought all its forces to bear to mitigate a terrible tragedy concerning the rape of a nine year old girl by her stepfather. The rape resulted in a pregnancy, and showing a level of compassion, sympathy and understanding we didn't think they were capable of, the church was right in the forefront of the healing process.

A senior Vatican cleric has defended the excommunication of the mother and doctors of a nine-year-old girl who had an abortion in Brazil after being raped. Cardinal Giovanni Battista Re, head of the Catholic church's Congregation for Bishops, told the daily La Stampa on Saturday that the twins the girl had been carrying had a right to "grow up and become tithers. Look, have you read the ARIS survey? We need everybody we can baptize. Say, what's your affiliation?"

Now, before you get all huffy about the church excommunicating everybody who happened to be in the hospital that morning, wait until you hear what they did to the stepfather, right Cardinal Re? Tell them:

*sound of crickets*

*wind in the trees*

*Distant barking dog*

OK, Cardinal Re will get back to us on that. In the mean time you should know that getting excommunicated isn't such a big deal anyway. It's like getting up to the checkout at the grocery store and finding out your coupons are expired.

The regional archbishop, Jose Cardoso Sobrinho, pronounced excommunication for the mother for authorizing the operation and doctors who carried it out for fear that the slim girl would not survive carrying the fetuses to term. "Well it's not like she didn't have a few months to bulk up," Sobrinho told reporters. "Hey, anybody here thinking about converting? You get a nice fruit basket with every baptism."

President Luiz Ignacio Lula da Silva hit out at Sobrinho's decision, saying: "As a christian and a catholic, I deeply regret being a catholic. The doctors did what had to be done: save the life of a girl of nine years old," he said, adding that "in this case, the medical profession was more right than the church."

Hey, come on President da Silva, that's a little harsh. The girl was nine years old after all. She could have asked her stepfather to use protection.

One of the doctors involved in the abortion, Rivaldo Albuquerque, told Globo television that he would keep going to mass, regardless of the archbishop's order. "I mostly sleep through it anyway," he said.

Later Sobrinho said the accused stepfather would not be expelled from the church. Although the man allegedly committed "a heinous crime ... the abortion - the elimination of an innocent life - was more serious. The destruction of the innocence of the nine year old girl? Ah, she'll get over it."

Monday, March 09, 2009

Welcome To Oklahoma. Don't Forget To Keep Breathing

Frequent readers of this blog often wonder if they are successful in an alternate universe...erm...we mean will remember our previous visit to Oklahoma (Motto: Don't Eat Dirt) when there was a bill before the legislature outlawing homework. Not content to merely guarantee that students from their state would single handedly pull down the nation's literacy rate to a tie with Togo, the same legislature has recently passed a resolution outlawing...Richard Dawkins?

OK we have a theory. If you look at a map you'll see that Oklahoma is about in the center of the country. We think that because of some geologic or meteorological combination of factors, (or perhaps the fact they are sandwiched between Texas and Kansas) Oklahoma has become a sort of black hole. A black hole of stupid, and like celestial black holes draw matter and even light into themselves, Oklahoma is sucking the stupid out of the rest of the county and collecting it somehow. And concentrating it.

Now, while this may be good for the rest of the country as the overall level of stupid is reduced from what would be the non-Oklahoma levels, it can't be good for the people living there. Look at their governor. He looks like Steve Martin with walnuts in his cheeks. And then there's senator Inhofe who said global warming was "the second greatest hoax ever perpetrated on the American people after the separation of church and state."

All righty then. Well, there are two senators for Oklahoma, maybe the other one has his meds better balanced. What do you see as the big issue of the day senator Coburn?

Tom Coburn, thinks there's a lesbian epidemic in Oklahoma school bathrooms.

Yes. And these guys spend a good portion of their time out of the state away from the stupid waves. So here's our question: Why the heck would Richard Dawkins want to go to Oklahoma in the first place? His IQ probably dropped 20 points as soon as his plane landed.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

You know, you have to hand it to the overlords--if by "it" you mean a flaming bag of dog poo. Oh, we kid because we love. Our point is, a dwindling population of people whose dental care, compassion level, and intelligence quotient are equally poor; governments that are beginning to realize that subsidizing overlord trailer payments is not the high return investment of the people's money they were led to believe it would be; and a general feeling in the civilized world that the overlords are to be regarded in the same category as mushroom fertilizer, have combined to make the future seem increasingly bleak if one happens to be an exploiter of animals.

Still, hope springs eternal in the shriveled little raisins that pass for overlord hearts. If by hope you mean desperation.

The country could learn a lesson from the people at Kilkenny Greyhound track who are not waiting for outside help to save one of the best-loved sporting institutions in the county. "Well, the institution we love. The dogs...uh...not so much," said greyhound trainer Paul Hennessy.

Over the last few weeks, dozens of greyhound racing enthusiasts have been rolling up their sleeves to ensure the survival and expansion of the sport in the city. This followed news that the track company was in financial difficulties. "Nothing gives you a more fulfilled feeling than coming out here and knowing you had a part in saving a track no one comes to anymore," track director Ger Duncan said.

"We are looking at it like our own local hurling club and we all decided to get together to save it," Hennessy said.

OK we don't even want to know what goes on at a hurling club.

"We said to ourselves that we couldn't let it close and about 20 of us said we would roll up our sleeves and do the work and that's what is happening," Hennessy said. The reaction was hugely positive and bookies, greyhound owners, trainers, owners and patrons all turned up to work at the track.

OK, a "hugely positive" turnout to save the track resulted in the appearance of "about 20" people. We think we see your problem.

The track closed in January and there were serious and well-founded fears that it would not re-open because of financial problems. But Hennessy and a group of others with the best interests of the track at heart took over and the change has been incredible. "I haven't seen this many sober people at the track in years," he said.

Awww, overlords. They're so cute when they struggle against futility, right Dana?

Dana is a real sweetheart. She is very affectionate. She likes to give kisses and will push her head into you for attention. She is gentle, confident and easygoing. She likes to pick up various items in the home, so she would do best in a home with children that know to put things away when they are done with them. She loves to collect the family’s clothing and take it to her crate. She is eager to learn. Dana would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 5 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Money? We Don't Need No Stinking Money

Say what you will about the republicans...go ahead...Oh, sorry. already used that joke. Anyway...umm...regardless of what your personal opinion might be of the party that had their heads so far up George Bush's keester every time he burped we heard John Boehner's voice, one thing we can all agree on is that they stick to their values.

When we say republican, you say Small government! Minimum regulation! Personal responsibility! Republican! Hey, no swearing.

The point is, a party that would rather lose elections than its values is none too happy with President Hopey's Very Evil, Socialistic, Communistic, Freeloader Government Handout, and several republican governors have stepped up to let him know that republicans can't be bought. Especially now that Abramoff is in jail.

One of those governors, Rick Perry of Texas even went so far as to write the President a letter (pdf) detailing his disgust with this wholesale abandonment of American Can do attitude for a teat at the Nanny State.
I'm writing you today in response to stipulations set forth in H.R. 1, the $787 billion stimulus package you signed into law yesterday. As you know, I have been vocal in my opposition to this legislation because I believe there are better ways to reinvigorate our economy and believe H.R. 1 will burden future generations with unprecedented levels of debt.
You. Ain't. A. Lie. Haven't the republicans spent the last eight years attempting to bankrupt the country? Haven't they run up a deficit of historical proportions that future generation will have to bear? What makes you think you can do any better, huh President Smarty S. Smart?
I continue to believe that the best way to stimulate the economy is the approach we are taking here in Texas. As a result of low taxes, controlled government spending and a predictable regulatory climate, nearly 80 percent of all jobs created last year in the United States were created in Texas; the vast majority of these were private sector jobs. Just last week, Texas was ranked the top exporting state in the nation for the seventh year in a row.
Boo Ya! Give it to him governor. Put that Muslim loving, radical feminist marrying, arugula eating elitist fancy boy in his place. OK, we didn't mean boy that way. We're 21st century sophisticates here in Texas. Just never mind that those jobs were created when gas was four dollars a gallon and now that the bottom has fallen out of the energy market all those people will be working at Starbucks and living in the back of their pickup trucks, the point is Texas Ain't Taking Your Commie Bribe. Texans don't need no government handout, no sirree. So thanks but no thanks President Radical Leftist, but governor Perry is about to get all John Galt on your scrawny multi-racial behind. Bring it home Gov, bring it home:
On behalf of the people of Texas, please allow this letter to certify that we will accept the funds.
Bam!(eleventy!!) How you like us now, huh President Moneybags? We hope you've learned your...wait. What'd he say?
I will use them to promote economic growth and create jobs in a fiscally responsible
manner that is in the best interest of Texas taxpayers.
Umm...yeah...ah...OK...Well, we're going to take your money and help the people of Texas, not spend it on booze and women like we know you want us to. We've got our...erm...standards you know. You, ah...you wouldn't happen to know when the check will get here would you? Not really interested, just thought we'd ask while we had your attention. Oh, and that commie socialist Muslim loving stuff? Just messing with you.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Republicans! Motto: Where Relevance Goes To Die

OK, so the republicans let a fellow of Indian descent, who is most likely a legal immigrant, give the rebuttal to President Obama's (not) State of the Union speech the other night. Unfortunately, it turned out he was a liar and a miserable speaker and so the republicans were justifiably outraged that he was...a...lousy speaker. Maybe he should have winked at the audience, who knows?

Anyway, the point is the republicans are trying, you know? They want us to know they aren't the party of rich, old, fat, perverted white guys. Well, until the rich, old, perverted, fat guy makes them apologize that is.

So there are still some bugs to work out, so what? Look, the republicans even elected an African American to be the head of the party:

But here's our question: Why is that dog white on the inside and black on the outside?