Can We All Agree That A Fetus Is Three Fifths Of A Person?

Hey, remember back way long time ago when we had one of them there...whaddaycallit...election thingys? And a black dude won? Then everyone went John Galt and the world ended? No wait, that was the book. Well, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central, being of a historical bent, got to thinking about some of the bit players from this last installment of the quadrennial American Kabuki so we thought we check in with one or two and see how they've been filling their days now that the circus has left town.

OK, so right now you're thinking "Historical bent? What about just plain bent?" and we do not appreciate your implication, however, on to more important matters:

Former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee likened abortion to slavery in a speech during a fundraiser for an anti-abortion group. "Well, if you think about it, childhood is like slavery too, because you're totally dependent on your parents for food and shelter, have to do what they say, and only have whatever freedom they give you. Course, once you're born you're not our concern anymore so that doesn't affect the fact that my metaphor cannot be defeated."

Huckabee said that when it abolished slavery, the U.S. debated and decided it was immoral for one person to have complete, life-or-death power over another. "Or we had a Civil War and Lincoln ended slavery because he won. I'm a little foggy on the details." He said that should not change unless it concerns the control of a husband over his wife. "Every rule has exceptions," he added.

Huckabee said civilization cannot survive if "one group of people have life and death control over another for no particular reason other than their own conveniences and, in that case, prejudices. Well, unless that 'group' is husbands, like I said before."

"Before laws get changed, we're gonna have to get all Left Behind on the American people, but especially those who will ultimately make the decision as to whether or not they will give an unborn child life or whether they will give it a death sentence," he said.

To make his point, Huckabee examined the degree to which American culture and laws have changed in four different issues compared with the mainstream opinion before national public awareness campaigns. He said:

—Advertisements featuring a crying American Indian helped encourage motorists not to litter.

—Ads with crash test dummies have led to more people wearing seat belts.

—Extensive smoking cessation advertising has helped reduce cigarette use and make the practice less socially acceptable.

—Mothers Against Drunk Driving has helped draw attention to the dangers of intoxicated drivers.

Yeah, we think we see where you're going with this Huck. So, now that no one litters anymore, everyone wears seat belts, and no one smokes or drives drunk, we should turn the awesome power of the tee vee loose on TEH PREGGERS.

OK, here's our pitch: Scene: A middle class bungalow living room. A wife is thinking about getting an abortion and her husband finds out. Cut to the bedroom where he spanks that disobedient wifley booty. Then they pray together and go out for ice cream. What do you think? Have your people call our people.