Thursday, March 19, 2009

Please Stay On The Line For An Important Message From Worshipper #67434

You know, sometimes we pull the bottle of Stoli out of the freezer, throw a few ice cubes in the tumbler, pour out a generous portion and ensconce ourselves in front of the electronic computing and communicating device and proceed to sloosh through the inter tubz searching out the latest nugget of Ironicus at its Maximus for your reading pleasure.

And then there are days like today.
Information Age Prayer is a subscription service utilizing a computer with text-to-speech capability to incant your prayers each day. It gives you the satisfaction of knowing that your prayers will always be said even if you wake up late, or forget.
OK, so we've got a couple of questions about this. First, do you really think god appreciates robo-calls? And second, since god is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent do you really think its going to matter to him that your prayer for a winning lotto ticket comes in a few hours late?
We use state of the art text to speech synthesizers to voice each prayer at a volume and speed equivalent to typical person praying. Each prayer is voiced individually, with the name of the subscriber displayed on screen.
What? Is god hard of hearing? Are you trying to fool him into thinking it's really you? And what's with the name on the screen? Shouldn't your name be in your prayer recording? "Hi god. It's me, Bill. Please reference previous prayer recording #376 and include the following update..."
At Information Age Prayer we think our service should be used like a prayer supplement, to extend and strengthen a subscriber's connection with God. Traditional prayer is an integral part of this connection and should never be forgone, even after signing up.
A prayer supplement? More like a prayer nag. We just can't see god being happy with this.
Rather than paying for multiple months at once, you may subscribe to a given prayer service and PayPal will be automatically bill you each month.
And what's god's cut? You know, we're getting the feeling some one's about to be turned into a toad here. Just saying.



Anonymous said...

While one religion is praying for their dead, the same wants another religion 'to pay for it"! Doesn't seem to matter if Jewish Muslim, Protestant or Catholic; Ireland, Palestine and Israel are all plagued with their own corrupt current events and USA right-wing "conspiracies" foot the bill.
Meditation is free, everybody. And post cards are 50 cents.
Better yet. Walk the dog and bag it.

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Robbo Calling God?

I feel sort of ashamed that I missed this story.

I think of all the terrible things I have fantasized doing to unwanted phone solicitors----If I were God, that would only be an I Dream of Jeany Eye Blink Away!

This is definitely strange.

Glad I dont attend that church.