Texas! Motto: Forget About Alabama*, We're The New South

Oh man, where were these guys when we were suffering through chemistry, physics, biology and all those other ologies inflicted on us by our educorporate overlords. If only we had known the secret back then. If only it had occurred to us what the answer was. If only we had thought it through instead of fantasizing about standing under the safety shower with Kristina Wosinkowski. Ah, those plain white blouses. We just knew if we could get one wet...sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, science.

The answer was right in front of us all along: Don't like school science? Make up your own!

A California-rejected Christian research institute cleared a hurdle in its bid to obtain approval from the state to operate its master's degree program in Texas when a committee recommended that it be allowed to seek accreditation. "What really sealed the deal for us was when they promised to eliminate the number six in all their programs," said a member of the committee. "Because, you know, 666? Satan? Can't have Satan contaminating our science."

Allow us to step in here and say that we realize the juxtaposition of the terms "christian" and "Research" may be jarring to readers who do not find the 21st century fraught with peril, but bear with us, it's just Texas. (Note to James, nothing personal, dude. Just business)

The Institute for Creation Research offers online degrees in science education, provided students don't care too much about the science part. Its courses are taught from a literal biblical worldview for students who plan a career interfereing with biology and other science classes. It is run by home schooled young earth creationists, who believe that God created the earth in six days between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, and have yet to go on a date without their mothers.

Patricia Nason, the institute's department chairwoman for science misinformation, said most of the institute's students end up teaching at private christian schools "because they can't get hired anywhere else." But, she said, they learn about evolution and are qualified to teach in public schools. "If by qualified you mean they've been trained stick their fingers in their ears and go 'LALALALALA I can't hear you,' every time someone mentions the Discovery Channel," she added. "Besides, the christian schools can only support so many of these bozos. We've got to find someplace else for them, or our placement statistics will drop."

It has about 30 students from around the world who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix, most of them misfits or aspiring perverts, and four full-time faulty members. It requires students to minor in subjects such as why our god is the coolest, bestest god evah!, and Nason said the faculty use "current literature in the sciences and also in science education. Of course by 'current' we mean Matthew, Mark, Luke and John."

The Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board will make a final decision next month on whether to issue a certificate of authority, which would give the institute two years to obtain accreditation. An advisory committee voted unanimously Friday to recommend the board grant the certificate. In related matters, the committee also voted to reconsider giving women the vote, and to bring back stoning as a punishment for blasphemers, and people from blue states.

*Alabama: Gateway to the 1600's