Oh, Who Died And Made You Pope? Wait. Never Mind

Oh, man, lousy economy, cold snowy weather, more storms in the forecast, both the economic and meteorological variety. We're having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year. Don't even care much who's ahead in the War on Christmas. What difference does it make when we can't afford the burning cross of Christ to put in the yard to announce our high degree of seasonal religiosity (bonus: It scares away the sodomites). And even though folks are still getting trampled to death at The Walmart, it just doesn't seem like Christmas.

Hey look, it's the pope! He always has something positive to say. Maybe he can lift our spirits. What's up your popeness?

Pope Benedict XVI reiterated the Roman Catholic Church's opposition to homosexual behavior and warned that humanity could destroy itself.

Oh, good. And all this time we thought it was going to be nuclear war, or global warming or a pandemic or something. Nope. Gonna be Teh Gay. Now we feel worse than before. Come on Popester, throw us a bone here.

Erm...allow us to rephrase that. Mr. Pope sir, have you any tidings in the glad category?

The Church has as much responsibility to preserve what it sees as man and woman's God-given roles as it does to protect endangered species, the pope said. "Birds gotta sing, bees gotta buzz, women gotta pump out the little tithers," said a vatican spokesman.

Man, for guys who can't have sex, you sure talk about sex a lot.

Father Federico Lombari, a papal spokesman issued a clarification after gay rights campaigners responded angrily to the remarks. "The pope had no intention to offend or attack transgendered" people, Lombardi said. "What the pope meant to say was that in God's eyes, a person is born either man or woman. If you forget that ... people are born either men or women and together are meant to create children, then you can create negative cash flow...I mean consequences, negative consequences."

"On the bright side, gay people often give the most stylish and tasteful gifts," Father Lombardi added.

Oh, so you only like gays when they give you something? And again, allow us to rephrase that. You approve of gays as long as they don't act like gays, is that it?

"Homogenital behavior is objectively immoral, while making the important distinction between this behavior and a homosexual orientation, which is not immoral in itself," the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has said.

Homogenital behavior? Isn't that when all the guys have to shower together after PE class?