Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Ah, well here we are staring at the south end of north bound 2008. We're pretty busy around the marbled halls of IM Central today preparing to meet annus novus so we thought we'd leave you with an uplifting tale to close out the year. Besides, someone gave us the biggest bottle of Stolichnaya we've ever seen (practical gifts are always best) and frankly, much as we value and respect our reader(s) you ain't made from Russian rye and purified water, know what we're saying?

After the November election, which passed a question banning dog racing in Massachusetts, many greyhounds in the state suddenly became homeless. Greyhound Friends of Hopkinton has had a huge part in finding homes for these dogs, and now Hopkinton Girl Scout Troop 3791 has joined the cause.
"Our troop is working on their Bronze Award this year, which is the highest achievement that a Junior Girl Scout can earn," said troop leader Anita Rogers. "The award has several requirements, with a large part being that the girls conduct a community service project. The troop agreed early this school year that they wanted to work with animals, and after some research into different organizations, they chose Greyhound Friends."
Rogers said the girls will get their Bronze Award this spring when they "bridge" to being Cadette Scouts, and until then they are working on a supply drive for the greyhound organization.
The troop made flyers, wrote school announcements about their efforts, and even put out collection boxes around town at Colella’s Supermarket, the Hopkinton Middle School, the Hopkinton Public Library, and Hopkinton Eye Associates for supplies which are desperately needed for the dogs.
Items such as blankets, towels, comforters, carpet, cleaning supplies, dog food, paper towels, laundry detergent and bird feed, are essential for the Greyhound Friends in order to continue to take in these displaced dogs who await adoption.
Troop 3791, which includes Sara Freedman, Avery McKenna, Kaitlyn West, Amanda Rogers, Chloe Smith, Hanna Engstrom, Michaela Mikulis, Emma Galeucia, Rachel DeMore and Nicole Belisle, have been together since they were Daisy Scouts in kindergarten.
They recently held a cookie and hot chocolate sale at Colella’s this past weekend, in which all the profits they earned are going towards the greyhound cause.
"The troop plans to help Greyhound Friends throughout the year, beyond even after their Bronze Award has been earned," said Rogers. "Greyhounds are wonderful dogs and all of our troop members are dog lovers. I am surprised we did not leave the shelter after our visit with a dog in tow!"
Rogers continued, "Following the holidays, the girls will conduct a neighborhood supply drive in the areas that they live, and our troop will have an informational table and supply collection box at the Martin Luther King Day event (sponsored by the Youth Commission) planned for Monday, January 19 at the middle school."

You know we're going to be buying us some of them Girl Scout Cookies this year, huh Leftie?

Leftie is very gentle, calm, confident, and quiet. He is very affectionate. He loves to follow his foster mom around the house. He is a big greyhound collector, and likes to collect the foster mom’s stuff and brings it to his bed. He will sometimes grab the TV remote and change the channel. He likes to play with soft toys and raw hides. Leftie would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog, as long as the family gave him a lot of affection. He loves to run and can be a bit vocal, so he needs a single family home with a fenced yard or with someone who would exercise him daily. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Republicans! Motto: When Losing Big Just Isn't Good Enough

OK we're not political scientists or anything. In fact we're not totally convinced that political science isn't an oxymoron, but still, we're pretty sure that the way to win elections is by getting more votes than the other guy. Now, if you accept our premise for a moment, and look back over the recently concluded quadrennial transition follies in which the republican party to say this politely...first runner up, then it would seem their immediate goal would be to convince all the people who voted against them that they aren't the wild eyed, spittle flecked losers everybody thinks they mean first runners up everybody thinks they are.

Which is why, aside from our partially Stolified holiday state, this confuses us.

Four days after news broke that the former Tennessee GOP chairman had sent a CD that included a song titled “Barack the Magic Negro” to the RNC members he is courting, some of those officials are rallying around the embattled Saltsman, with a few questioning whether the national media and his opponents are piling on.

See, this is what we meant when we said we weren't political scientists. Your party loses the election so badly even your dog won't come when you call him, and to start on the long road back to legitimacy you insult the guy everybody voted for?

That seems like a pretty risky strategy to us.

Alabama Republican committeeman Paul Reynolds said the fact the Saltsman sent him a CD with the song on it “didn’t bother me one bit.”

Well, of course not. You're from Alabama. Don't you guys have George Wallace on your state flag or something?

“When I heard about the story I had to figure out what was going on for myself,” said Mark Ellis, the chairman of the Maine Republican Party. “When I found out what this was about I had to ask, ‘boy, what’s the big deal here?’ because there wasn’t any.”

Any what? Any black people in Maine?

“I don’t think he intended it as any kind of racial slur. I think he intended it as a humor gift,” Oklahoma GOP committeewoman Carolyn McClarty added. “I think it was innocently done by Chip. I mean come on. The guy has the IQ of a raisin. He's just not smart enough to be a racist.”

OK, so now we know his primary qualification for RNC chair.

The flap has generated unflattering attention at a time when the GOP is trying to rebuild its brand and reach out to new voters after an election in which GOP presidential nominee John McCain ran poorly among minority constituencies.

"Unflattering attention." So that's what the kids are calling it these days.

The day after the story was first reported by The Hill, RNC Chairman Mike Duncan issued a statement expressing disgust over the song. “The 2008 election was a wake-up call for Republicans to reach out and bring more people into our party,” said Duncan, who is seeking reelection to his post. “I am shocked and appalled that anyone would think this is appropriate as it clearly does not move us in the right direction, which is obviously to find a way to bring back poll taxes and literacy tests. These people aren't going back to Africa folks, we need a strategy to deal with them.”

Some RNC members contending that Duncan may have actually hurt his candidacy with his responses. He just eliminated himself from this race for jumping all over Chip on this, said one committee member. “Mike Duncan is a nice guy, but he screwed up big time by pandering to the national press on this.”

So, the fact that the CD was offensive, racist, bigoted and divisive wasn't the problem. The problem was that Duncan didn't defend the racist bigot who sent it out, is that it?

Man, no wonder you need to be a scientist to figure out this politics stuff.

Monday, December 29, 2008

I'll Give You Indiana For Pensylvania And A First Round Draft Pick

Aw man, after all the work we did to elect the first black islamofascist socialist Kenyan terrorist and his Black Panther party wife, now we find out it really doesn't matter because America is going to fall apart.

Dang. We hate it when that happens.

For a decade, Russian academic Igor Panarin has been predicting the U.S. will fall apart in 2010. "And I don't mean just because the Yankees haven't won a World Series since 2000," Panarin told reporters.

Professor Panarin, 50 years old, is not a fringe figure. A former KGB analyst, he is dean of the Russian Foreign Ministry's academy for future diplomats. He is invited to Kremlin receptions, lectures students, publishes books, and appears in the media as an expert on U.S.-Russia relations. "I'm the freaking Sean Hannity of Russia," he said.

A polite and cheerful man with a buzz cut, Mr. Panarin insists he does not dislike Americans. But he warns that the outlook for them is dire. "There's a 55-45% chance right now that disintegration will occur," he says. "On the bright side," he added. "When you have an economy like theirs and the biggest story of the year is Britney losing custody of her kids, if the country does fall apart most citizens won't notice."

Mr. Panarin posits, after the data collected from 2874 games of Risk, around the end of June 2010, or early July the U.S. will break into six pieces -- with Alaska reverting to Russian control. "I may have to reevaluate that last part. I wasn't aware that Governor Palin could see us from her porch," he said. "We may have to go the Ebay route, rather than direct takeover."

He predicts that economic, financial and demographic trends will provoke a political and social crisis in the U.S. When the going gets tough, he says, wealthier states like Alabama and Tennessee will withhold funds from the federal government and effectively secede from the union. Social unrest up to and including a civil war will follow due to the cancelling of Super Bowl XLIV. The U.S. will then split along AFC NFC lines, and foreign powers will move in. "I say that because, lord knows there's nothing foreign powers--with troubles of their own--like better than taking over another country in the dumpster."

California will form the nucleus of what he calls "The Californian Republic," and will be part of China or under Chinese influence. Texas will be the heart of "The Texas Republic," a cluster of states that will go to Mexico or fall under Mexican influence. Washington, D.C., and New York will be part of an "Atlantic America" that may join the European Union. Canada will grab a group of Northern states Prof. Panarin calls "The Central North American Republic." Hawaii, he suggests, will be a protectorate of Japan or China.

When shown Professor Panarin's map, California governor Schwarzenegger commented that Arizona and Nevada are fine, "but there's no way we want those whackos in Utah." Mexican president Felipe De Jesus Calderon Hinojosa said he would be happy with Texas, but would probably trade Alabama and Mississippi to the Cubans for "a good left hander and a couple of switch hitting infielders." Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper did not return calls for comment, but a spokesperson for the Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation (the only office that would return reporters' phone calls) said they might be interested in Minnesota and perhaps the upper peninsula of Michigan, but beyond that "we've got enough problems." Finally, European Union President José Manuel Barroso said having part of American in the European Union "would be like, how do you Americans say it? Bringing a ham sandwich to a banquet?"

We here in the marbled halls of IM Central would welcome our Canadian overlords and would willingly learn to ice skate, drink Labatts and say aboot.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Rumor has it that this is the last Friday of the year. Given the celebratory excesses of the last few days though, we have reason to believe that we may have missed a day or two like we did last week, or was that the week before? All the holidays look alike to us.

Anyway, a quick check of the calendar confirms that we have in fact come to that time when we bring you the last hound of the year. Regular readers of this blog should probably try and keep their new years resolutions this mean will recall that the last hound of the year is special in that we follow him or her along the journey from minion of the overlords to full time couch softness tester and supervisor of dog treat distribution.

And what family tradition would be complete without some crazy uncle who pinches you when no one is looking and swears black helicopters fly over his house at night, or spinster aunt who is addicted to absinthe and tells stories of dating Frank Sinatra when she was a Vegas Showgirl?

It could be different in your family, but our point is no Friday Hound Blogging would be complete without a word from the overlords, and today that word is AAIIIEEE!!!

With the passage of the Nov. 4 ballot to abolish greyhound racing in Massachusetts by Jan. 1, 2010, State Representative. David L. Flynn whose district includes Raynham-Taunton Greyhound Park says there is little support in the Statehouse to extend that closure deadline to 2012 as Raynham selectmen and hundreds of Raynham Park workers are urging Governor Deval Patrick to do. "I asked the Governor what his position was on the extension," Flynn told reporters. "And he told me if he had a cancerous tumor and the doctor could remove on Tuesday, why would he ask to delay the surgery until Saturday. I'm not sure what he meant by that, but it doesn't sound good."

Representative Kathi-Anne Reinstein, whose hometown hosts Wonderland Greyhound Park, says she opposes ballot initiatives because the process is unevenly funded and vulnerable to propaganda, she says. "This is supposed to be a democracy," she said. "We can't have common people involved in government."

Yeah, pesky majority rule. Who thought of that anyway, Sam?

Meet Mulberry Sam, who has just entered the post overlord world. In fact, he's so new all we know about him is his birthday, July 9, 2006. As a public service we will keep you informed about his progress through the medical exam, fostering, and hopefully finding a forever home. Good luck Sam, it gets a lot better from here on out. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Hounds Home For The Holiday

Yes, reader(s), it's once again time for that long standing tradition that we remember from time to time here in the marbled halls of IM Central: Hounds Home for the Holiday **scattered applause, and what could have been a belch**

Regular visitors to this blog have learned to live with lowered mean know that during this festive time of year we expand our regular Friday Hound Blogging feature in an attempt to put a few more needle noses on a few more couches.

But first, let's see what the overlords are up to.
Are you trying to make a living from the dog track? Or maybe you're just trying to supplement your retirement income or make up for lost income from the tough economic times we're going through right now.
Then you probably have the IQ of a Dung Beetle, but that's not going to stop me from trying to sell you something. In fact your lack of the common sense god gave a wood chip is probably the reason I'll be successful, proving that uniquely American article of faith that there is no one in this country too dumb to make money off of.
If you look at greyhound handicapping as a career, it's obvious that you need some training.
And by training I mean years of institutional care accompanied by large quantities of psychotropic drugs administered at regular intervals by hulking men with burly arms in white uniforms.
When you decide to be a professional handicapper. You don't just quit your day job and start going to every racing program. You start out by learning the ropes and getting better at handicapping.
To accomplish this, find a building with several flights of metal stairs and throw yourself down them repeatedly until the ringing in your head is loud enough to be heard by a person standing next to you. Now you're ready for the track!
Find a mentor, if you can afford it, or a good greyhound handicapping system.
See, I say if you can afford it because if you walk up to someone on the track who's probably eating cat food three times a week and say teach me to win at greyhound racing, you might as well have "Please Take All My Money" tattooed on your forehead. Which leads me to the real point of this article...
To win at the dog track, you need a winning system. You can learn the basics of handicapping from a program or online, but to really make good money at the dog track consistently, you need proven Greyhound Handicapping Systems.
Yes, rube, what I really meant to say is forget all that other stuff I said. If you're dumb enough to think you can actually win money betting on greyhounds, you're already a pretty big loser and you might as well just send me your money instead. At least I'll give you something to show for it:

Bonus #1 is a Quiniela Rating System that finds over-bet and under-bet combinations the crowd misses.

Bonus #2 reveals Secrets of Handicapping Route Races with some surprising revelations about how most bettors handicap route races completely wrong.

You get the complete system and the two bonuses for the low price of $35. (The sections are also available separately without the bonuses for $15 each.)
Look, at least I'm smart enough to figure out that the only way to make money at greyhound racing is by taking advantage of the idiots who think they can win, which means I'm already smarter than you. So what do you say? Come on , it's only $35. You can always tell the kids Santa was shot down over Iraq and won't be coming this year.

On the other hand, if you buy this and actually win, we hear that pine scented car air fresheners are only .99 cents down at the Quickie Mart. You could buy one, take it home and hang it in the living room for an old fashioned Christmas, right Day?

Day is very sweet, curious and likes to check everything out. She is playful and puppy-like. She is very affectionate and she loves to be petted. She approaches and nuzzles for affection. She gets really excited when her foster mom first wakes up, so she can go outside. Day would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, ages 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Oh, Who Died And Made You Pope? Wait. Never Mind

Oh, man, lousy economy, cold snowy weather, more storms in the forecast, both the economic and meteorological variety. We're having a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year. Don't even care much who's ahead in the War on Christmas. What difference does it make when we can't afford the burning cross of Christ to put in the yard to announce our high degree of seasonal religiosity (bonus: It scares away the sodomites). And even though folks are still getting trampled to death at The Walmart, it just doesn't seem like Christmas.

Hey look, it's the pope! He always has something positive to say. Maybe he can lift our spirits. What's up your popeness?

Pope Benedict XVI reiterated the Roman Catholic Church's opposition to homosexual behavior and warned that humanity could destroy itself.

Oh, good. And all this time we thought it was going to be nuclear war, or global warming or a pandemic or something. Nope. Gonna be Teh Gay. Now we feel worse than before. Come on Popester, throw us a bone here.

Erm...allow us to rephrase that. Mr. Pope sir, have you any tidings in the glad category?

The Church has as much responsibility to preserve what it sees as man and woman's God-given roles as it does to protect endangered species, the pope said. "Birds gotta sing, bees gotta buzz, women gotta pump out the little tithers," said a vatican spokesman.

Man, for guys who can't have sex, you sure talk about sex a lot.

Father Federico Lombari, a papal spokesman issued a clarification after gay rights campaigners responded angrily to the remarks. "The pope had no intention to offend or attack transgendered" people, Lombardi said. "What the pope meant to say was that in God's eyes, a person is born either man or woman. If you forget that ... people are born either men or women and together are meant to create children, then you can create negative cash flow...I mean consequences, negative consequences."

"On the bright side, gay people often give the most stylish and tasteful gifts," Father Lombardi added.

Oh, so you only like gays when they give you something? And again, allow us to rephrase that. You approve of gays as long as they don't act like gays, is that it?

"Homogenital behavior is objectively immoral, while making the important distinction between this behavior and a homosexual orientation, which is not immoral in itself," the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops has said.

Homogenital behavior? Isn't that when all the guys have to shower together after PE class?

Monday, December 22, 2008

In Retrospect We Should Have Realized The Teddy Bear Wasn't A John

We're coming to you today from the Department of Enlightened Parenting here in the marbled halls of IM Central. DoEP is a subsidiary of the They Grow Up So Fast Corporation in partnership with Girls Are Special, Inc. We'd ask all you parents to please have a seat while we turn on the slide projector and pull down the screen.

OK. Can you hear us in the back? Good. The reason we've called you all here today is to discuss with you the dangers of letting your children out of the house until they are legally able to carry firearms. Especially girls. You just don't know who's wandering around your neighborhood, rapists, murderers, kidnappers, SWAT teams.

It was a little before 8 at night when the breaker went out at Emily Milburn's home in Galveston. She was busy preparing her children for school the next day, so she asked her 12-year-old daughter, Dymond, to pop outside and turn the switch back on. As Dymond headed toward the breaker, a blue van drove up and three men jumped out rushing toward her. One of them grabbed her saying, "You're a prostitute. You're coming with me."

Dymond grabbed onto a tree and started screaming, "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." One of the men covered her mouth. Two of the men beat her about the face and throat. As it turned out, the three men were plain-clothed Galveston police officers who had been called to the area regarding three white prostitutes soliciting a white man and a black drug dealer.

"Well, in our defense we thought she was yelling 'Oh, Daddy, Oh, Daddy,'"said one of the officers. "Plus she was dressed provocatively in that Hannah Montana sweat shirt."

After the incident, Dymond was hospitalized and suffered black eyes as well as throat and ear drum injuries. "Twelve is such an awkward age," said the police public relations spokesperson. I'm sure she tripped or something."

OK parents, let's stop the presentation there for a question. Once the police realized what they had done, how do you think they reacted? You there, in the second row. Apologized you say? Then took up a collection to pay for her medical bills plus let her ride in the police car and work the siren? Well, not quite.

Three weeks later, according to the lawsuit, police went to Dymond's school, where she was an honor student, and arrested her for assaulting a public servant. "She kept fighting back as the office dragged her to the van," said the officers' lawyer, William Helfand. "How was the officer to know she was just panicked because she thought she was being kidnapped? Look, this is Galveston. Our officers screw up and go to the wrong house two, three times a month. The citizens should be used to it."

Both the daughter and the father were arrested for assaulting a peace officer. "The father basically attacked police officers as they were trying to take the daughter into custody after she ran off. Hey, a lot of prostitutes call their pimps 'Daddy,'" Helfand said. "'Course pimps don't usually yell 'that's my daughter, she's only 12.'"

"The city has investigated the matter and found that the conduct of the police officers was appropriate under the circumstances," Helfand said. "And to show you how thorough the investigation was, an investigator actually called Dymond's house to get her side of things, but no one was home at the time. Or maybe he had a wrong number. We're still looking in to that."

Since the incident more than two years ago, Dymond regularly suffers nightmares in which police officers are raping and beating her and cutting off her fingers. "Yeah. That's part of our scared straight program," said a police spokesperson.

And that concludes our presentation parents. We'd like to leave you with this final thought: All of this could have been avoided if Dymond had had the foresight not to have been born African American because then she grew up to look like a white prostitute.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

It's long been an article of faith amongst the overlords that if the states would just give them a level playing field when it came to competing with other forms of gambling they could hold their own. The strategy is quite simple really. Less greyhound racing means more money.

Broward and Miami-Dade County racetrack owners have banded together to convince lawmakers to give them a break when it comes to gambling. The tracks are at a disadvantage because the tribe is operating Las Vegas-style card games, including blackjack and baccarat, at three of its seven Florida casinos. "They got no dogs at those places," said Dan Adkins, CEO of Mardi Gras Gaming. "That means people go there."

The overlords want the legislature to offer them tax breaks for equipment and construction so they can upgrade their facilities and move from operating at 26 percent of their potential earnings to 100 percent.

Ha. Who says the overlords are dumb. You can't argue with math. If the state would just remove the shackles it has placed on greyhound racing, we would enter a new era of popularity for animal exploitation. Why, just look around you at other tracks where an enlightened state government has been a partner with the overlords instead of a hindrance.

After 51 seasons as a harness and dog racing facility, Hinsdale Greyhound Park announced it has “ceased operations and surrendered its pari-mutuel license to state regulators.” Track attorney John J. Sullivan said a bankruptcy filing was made in U.S. Bankruptcy Court.

Erm...OK, bad example. Well, maybe they didn't have all that fancy gambling stuff that makes up for the fact that only six people bet on the And two of them use Monopoly money.

The Hinsdale Greyhound Racing Association, which handled significantly more money on Thoroughbred racing as a rebate shop than dog racing, filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy placing nearly a half-million dollars from hundreds of betting accounts is in limbo.

Oh. So they did have gambling on more than just the dogs. Still, how bad can it be?

The filing lists hundreds of bettors, including Herschel Bird who is owed $138,150, as creditors. Creditors believed to be bettors are owed more than $450,000. Another listed creditor is well-known horse racing author and handicapper Andy Beyer, who could be out $20,440. Like many bettors at the New Hampshire rebate shop, Beyer was committed to keeping his money in the pari-mutuel pools. “I’ve already written that money off,” Beyer said. “I don’t expect to ever see it again.”

OK, you gamble, and when you win you don't take your winnings. There's a possibility you are unclear on the concept.

Joseph E. Sullivan III, the track’s president and chief executive officer, said in a statement, "our efforts to attract investors or a buyer were in the end unsuccessful because we had to take out ads in the paper and trade magazines, and we found that people who knew how to read weren't the type of investor we needed to attract.”

Too bad Bird and Beyer are broke, huh Sable? They sound like they're just the type Sullivan was looking for.

Sable young, very active and puppy-like. She is a lurcher (greyhound mix) who is a little more like a coon hound than a greyhound. She was rescued from an Ohio dog pound that is a kill shelter. She is more of a doggy-dog than a retired race dog. She is fun loving, affectionate, and playful. She is an active girl who enjoys running and playing in the yard. She is very sweet. She really enjoys a good rub down. She will approach and give kisses, especially if she thinks she has done something wrong. There is a woodpile in the backyard. Sable will carry the logs around with her - they are in 1-foot pieces for the fire pit outside. She steals the wood out of the fire pit. She plays with it and chews on it. It looks very funny. She also likes to pick up long sticks when on walks through the park. She is very trainable and likes to learn. Sable would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and she would probably be fine as an only dog. She’s very playful, so if she is going to be in a home with another dog, the other dog needs to be willing to play. She would be a fun dog for older active kids to play with. She would do well in a home with a large yard where she could run and play or with someone who would like a running partner. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

God Bless America. Well, Some Of It Anyway

You know, just the other day we were sitting around here in the marbled halls of IM Central having a communistic socialism conversation about what christian holiday President B. HUSSEIN Obama should issue a fatwa against first, when it occurred to us now that Jerry Falwell is dead, who's going to tell us why god hates us by sending hurricanes, tornadoes and gay pride days. Well, hates some of us is probably a more accurate statement.

Pat Robertson immediately came to mind, but hey, this election was all about change, and anyway that whole god wants to kill Hugo Chavez kind of put a dent in his holy cred for us, you know? We mean, Chavez is a catholic and aren't catholics like, god's homies or something?

Then we got to thinking about that guy Rick Warren. You know, the head shill at Saddleback (there has to be a gay innuendo in there someplace) church that had McCain and Obama over for a panderfest back during the campaign. Now, we know McCain would have gone anywhere he thought at least two people might listen to him, even if one was deaf, but Obama didn't have to go.

Hmm...thinks us. Maybe there's something to this guy. After all, he doesn't think showering with your son will prevent Teh Gay, or date the whore of Babylon. So we highed ourselves off to the inter toobz to see what we could find out.

Turns out he's a fairly harmless fellow. Wrote a book about the purpose of driving or something; wants a civil culture; hates gays and wants Ahmadinejad dead.

Wait, what?

On the program, host Sean Hannity had asked Warren if expressing the need to "take out" Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was “advocating something dark, evil or something righteous.” “Well, actually, the Bible says that evil cannot be negotiated with. It has to just be stopped,” the Southern California pastor responded before being cut off by another question. “By force?” Hannity asked. “Well, if necessary,” Warren replied.

Dang. Chavez, Ahmadinejad, The Red Sox. God's hit list is longer than John Gotti's. Well, luckily Warren's just some backwater preacher who's had his fifteen minutes and now that the election is over he'll fade into the background like Haggard at a NGLTF meeting when the 60 Minutes cameras show up.

Wait, what?

President-elect Barack Obama Wednesday for chose evangelical pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the presidential inauguration next month.

Now we have to admit that upset us a little when we first read it, but then, after a Stoli or two it occurred to us that maybe Obama is just throwing the Bubbas a bone. Sure, it hurts that it's a bone he broke off the gay community, but still...OK, we used bone and gay in the same sentence. We're going to lie down now, you're on your own.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Maybe They Could Get A Room At The Y

Say what you will about president Bush--stole the election from Al Gore in 2000; ignored the threat of attack because he'd rather play golf than read a Presidential Daily Briefing; lied us into a war he didn't have a plan for; turned the Constitution into a placemat at Denny's; made us the laughing stock of most of the world--when they weren't busy hating us that is; presided over the destruction of New Orleans and most of the Gulf Coast; oversaw one of the most corrupt, incompetent administrations in our history which destroyed our government institutions, our economy and probably our planet, meaning our grandchildren will come to think of cat food as fancy Sunday dinner.

Well, no president gets through two terms without making a few mistakes. Look at Bill Clinton. He left with a booming economy, a budget surplus and a hummer. And no, we don't mean the truck. Talk about your failed presidency--his wife found out! Still, on a personal level the president is a really likable guy who operates with class and style, which is why the upcoming transition from the Bush presidency to the Obama administration is being handled with such grace and elegance.

The White House has turned down a request from President-elect Barack Obama's family to move into Blair House in early January so that his daughters can start school on January 5. "What's the big deal about book learnin' anyway," asked a White House spokesperson. "The president didn't have much and look where he got to. Didn't worry about it much for his daughters either and look how they turned out. Why, Jenna's even off probation now."

The Obamas were told that Blair House, where incoming presidents usually stay in the five days before Inauguration Day, is booked in early January. It remained unclear who on the Bushes guest list outranked the incoming President. "Ms. Beasley's entertaining out of town guests," the spokesperson told reporters.

"It's not a public schedule. It's not a question of outranking the Obamas. Blair House will be available to them on January 15," said Sally McDonough, spokeswoman for First Lady Laura Bush. "These Obamas are just a little bit pushy, don't you think? There are motels, you know."

McDonough said "there's nothing more to say other than that it's not available and won't be available until January 15." She added "you're trying to make a story out of something that's not a story. I mean come on. Clueless, classless, ignorant, tone deaf. How many times can you write that about the president before it just isn't news anymore?"

Um...for about 34 more days by our count.

Monday, December 15, 2008

In The Spirit Of Bipartisanship I Will Work With Bill Ayers' BFF

Hey, remember that presidential election we had, what, six months ago or something? You know the one where the old man and the crazy lady ran against Wesley Snipes and Woody Harrelson? It was in all the papers.

Anyway, now that we're officially a socialist country we got to wondering what had happened to the losers. We seem to remember being told that dissidents in socialist countries are sent to reeducation camps where they are shot until they accept the party line. This worried us a little because we always believed that as long as you kept Teh Maverick away from sharp objects and nuclear launch codes the most dangerous thing about him was old man farts. Well, those and his running mate, but we heard she was actually an inflatable so we assume she's been quietly deflated and packed away by this time.

So, that and the fact that our newspaper dropped Boondocks sent us off into the toobz this morning to see what we could see.

Speaking to ABC's "This Week," McCain was asked whether Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin could count on his support. "I can't say something like that. She didn't even have my support when she was on the ticket."

Now that may not be entirely true because earlier in the campaign McCain admitted that he didn't actually remember running for president. "There was this black guy following me around," McCain told reporters. "I didn't want to go straight home and let him find out where my house was so I kept moving around. Finally lost him in early November."

"I think you're going to see the governors assume a greater leadership role in our Republican Party," he said. He then mentioned governors Poison Pill of Minnesota, Francine's boy in Utah. Oh, and don't forget the Exorcist."

McCain was pressed on why he couldn't promise support for the woman who, just months ago, he named as the second best person to lead the nation. "Have no doubt of my admiration and respect for her and my view of her viability, but at this stage, again ... my corpse is still warm, you know?" he replied.

Wait, is he saying one of the other governors will kill him if he supports Palin? Now if he were talking about Romney we might believe it, but Jindal? He thinks he's being chased by spooks. Huntsman? Obviously whipped. Pawlenty? Well, he has been known to murder a Bambi or two. We'll get back to you on that one.

McCain rejected complaints from the Republican National Committee that Obama has not been transparent about his contacts with Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. "Who cares about Blagojevich?" he said. "Now Ayers. There's a story we haven't heard. And what about Wright? You people in the press just aren't doing your jobs. No barbecue for you."

Despite the heated nature of the race and attacks both former candidates lobbed at each other, McCain emphasized that he plans to focus on pushing lawmakers past partisan politics. "I think my job is, of course, to be a part of, and hopefully exert some leadership, in the loyal opposition. But I emphasize the word loyal," McCain said. "Unlike my opponent whose only loyalty is to his Imam back at the Madrasas."

Later McCain's office issued a statement saying the senator's comments had been taken out of context because he said them while conscious and the McCain looked forward to working with the "black Marxist."

Friday, December 12, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Ask any overlord about the care of the and you'll get a disquisition on the costs of training, maintenance, and up keep that lays out in crystal clear terms the folly of mistreating such a valued investment. It has been the core of their argument for many years and is usually trotted out any time dogs are found dead, mistreated or missing which seems to happen with such frequency that we begin to wonder if perhaps the overlords might be stretching the truth just a wee tad.

Or maybe they're as good with their investments as the folks at Lehman Brothers, AIG, Washington Mutual. You know, all those people who went to college for that stuff. At least the overlords can fall back on their basic ignorance when things go wrong. As they often do.

Three greyhounds were rescued after they were found tied to a truck without food and water in the hot sun, the nonprofit American European Greyhound Alliance announced through its Guam contact, Dave Davis. "When I contacted the owner, he said the dogs were guarding the truck, and he had been planning to come and take care of them but had forgotten where he parked." Davis told reporters.

The alliance stated there's been an increase in the number of greyhounds surfacing in the community, and some of the dogs have shown signs of neglect and/or abandonment. "Well, just because the dogs are emaciated, flea ridden and tick infested doesn't mean they've been neglected or abandoned," said one track representative who asked to remain nameless. "That's the kind of treatment they get at the track."

Oh we beg to differ Mr. Overlord sir. At the track the receive the finest care under the watchful eye of trained veterinarians, right Janet Forrer and Susan Via?

Opponents of greyhound racing in Tucson have filed complaints with the state against veterinarians who monitor the dogs at Tucson Greyhound Park. The complaints claim that Andrew Carlton, the Arizona Department of Racing veterinarian, and track vets Betty Menke and Paul Pullen are in violation of the Veterinary Practice Act. "Hey, we showed up sober," Carlton said when told of the complaint. "Well, most of the time anyway. What do you want from us?"

Some of the alleged violations include:

• Steroids being administered by people other than the dual-licensed vets, who are the only ones authorized to do so.

• Track vets turning a blind eye to the steroid injections that are clearly in violation of the act, either because of "negligence or indifference."

• Lack of records outlining the drugs or treatments given to the animals, which should be submitted to the Arizona Department of Racing.

• Lack of oversight by Carlton, who, as state racing veterinarian, should be supervising the track vets' practices.

• Pullen not notifying the Veterinary Medical Examining Board of a change of address, or having a listed phone number. The last two practices where Pullen worked have disconnected telephone numbers.

"Wait, we're supposed to oversee stuff?" Carlton said. "I thought we just killed dogs who got hurt. Nobody said anything to me about overseeing stuff. And who's this Pullen person anyway?"

Details, details, details, huh Alice.

Alice is very skittish and timid. She does better when people use a tender the voice with her. One of her favorite spots is upstairs on a blanket. She will go to her foster mom and lean into her for security. She’s really bonded with her foster mom. She will follow her around, not constantly, and she really likes the affection from her foster mom. Alice would do well in a working family home with children ages 8 and up. She enjoys the company of a dog in the home, but she would be fine as an only dog, in fact her foster dad feels she could really thrive as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

In Politics They Call This Going Off Message

We're coming to you today from the What's Wrong With This Picture Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WWwtP is a subsidiary of the Are You Sure You Want To Say That Corporation, in partnership with the rapidly diminishing sober staff here at Ironicus Maximus, your one stop portal for well, ironicus at its most maximus, and mostly correct grammar.

Madonna "provokes a crazy enthusiasm," a prominent Chilean priest said – and not in a good way. "Have you seen the way she...what do the kids call it? Shakes her booty?" Jorge Medina Estevez, a retired catholic cardinal asked? "Not that I'm affected by that sort of thing. Being celibate and all. I'm just worried about the kids. All that wiggling...her hips thrusting back and forth...her breasts, which are barely contained by her costume by the way...bouncing...her legs...yes those long slender legs...and those thighs...I'm sorry, what was I saying?"

Hey Padre. Is that a missal in your pocket, or are you just glad to see us?

Medina is one of Chile's most prominent clergymen, and as cardinal protodeacon was the man who announced to the world the selection of Benedict XVI as pontiff. "Yes, I introduced the Blessed Pope to the world. God's General on earth! God's Panzer-Kommandant!"

Estevez then began what his office later said was speaking in tongues, but several in the crowd said it appeared to be German as they recognized words like "Juden," "Anchuluss" and Kristallnacht."

Later, Estevez began his homily in lofty praise of General Augusto Pinochet, the late dictator responsible for more than 3,000 politically motivated killings and disappearances. He then shifted into a diatribe against sinful Madonna, who sings songs about boys, girls and sweets.

OK, this is a part of catholic teaching that we must have slept through. Boys, girls and sweets: One way ticket to Satan's wild ride. Killing over 3,000 people: Road to sainthood.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Barack Huminahumina Obama

We got up this morning (well, close enough to morning for us) checked right away and saw that Bush is still living in the White House. Man, can't that guy take a hint? Oh wait, this is Iraq will be a cake walk, good job Brownie, the fundamentals of the economy are strong Bush. What were we thinking?

So it looks lie we're going to have to wait until January 20th before we can hand the reign (Bush lost the other three) of power over to President Hopey. This is like waiting for Christmas after all the presents are wrapped and put under the tree. You can see the size of the haul you're getting, but you have no idea what the Wow factor will be.

Wait a minute, what's this?

President-elect Barack Obama says he plans to use all three of his names when he takes the oath of office in January, giving voice to a name that was was rarely used during the campaign except by critics.

ZOMG!! ZOMG!! WE'VE BEEN DUPED!!!eleventy!!1! On January 20th, Obama is going to stand up there on my tee vee and admit to being an Arab Muslim terrorist Marxist commie in front of god and everybody!!!eleventy two!!1!! ? Why didn't anyone warn us about this? Oh. They did. Ah, Pastor Swank...

When I first warned months ago that B. Hussein Obama is a mask Muslim, sites refused to post my columns, except for one particularly bold and courageous one. I have continued to repeat the litany with multitudinous evidences. Various conservative sites have still refused to post those columns.

...if only those sites had re-litanized your multitudinous evidences perhaps we could have saved ourselves.

“I think the tradition is that they use all three names, and I will follow the tradition, not trying to make a statement one way or the other. I'll do what everybody else does,” Obama told reporters.

Ha! Tradition? Is that what you call it when you tear down America? Is that what you called it in your Madrassa when you were learning to be a Marxist?

Oh, woe is us. Soon the day will come when we will pine for the sweet sweet malaprops of the last christian president. But he will have left us. Come back Shane...Come back...

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Klaatu Baracka Nicto

Hey, did you hear Obama can't be president because he's a Kenyan, or a Hawaiian, or a Replicator, or something? Anyway, the point is he's not a citizen because he was really born in a pod on a starship controlled by the System Lords and may carry a larval Goa'uld.

We just skimmed the article though, so we may not have all the details right.

"Since candidate Obama was born to a Kenyan father, he is not eligible to the office of the President since he is not a natural born white citizen," said retired attorney Leo C. Donofrio in his petition to the Supreme Court. "Plus he has a third eye on the back of his head. But don't bother looking for it, because only I can see it thanks to years of training during my apprenticeship with the Tok'ra."

Anyone born on U.S. soil is a U.S. citizen, regardless of his or her parents' immigration status. Hawaii has been a state since 1959. "Right," Donofrio said. "And because Hawaii over the date line, 1961 here was really 1958 there."

Donofrio, who lives in the state of denial, initially asked the high court for an emergency stay on Nov. 3 . Justice David Souter denied the request three days later and requested Donofrio's medication records. Donofrio then resubmitted his request to Justice Clarence Thomas, who passed it along for consideration by the full court.

Wait. Souter denied it, but Thomas wasn't able to make a decision? Oh, we know. Scalia must have been in the bathroom and couldn't pull the strings in Thomas' back that make his mouth move.

The Supreme Court then declined to heart the long-shot challenge to Obama's electoral eligibility. In a related move, the Court issued a statement saying Justice Thomas is no longer allowed to sit with the other Justices at lunch. "They can only take so much," said a Court clerk who asked not to be identified. "I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but we have to bring him in out of the rain so he doesn't drown if you get my drift."

Next up will be a separate lawsuit filed by Pennsylvania attorney Philip J. Berg . Berg, a former state deputy attorney general, also has filed several conspiracy lawsuits — including one alleging that President George W. Bush had a hand in the Sept. 11, 2001 , terrorist attacks. "Shortly before the attack I monitored a hyperspace communication between the White House and a Romulan ship in geosynchronous orbit behind the moon. Coincidence? I don't think so."

A federal judge in Eastern Pennsylvania threw out Berg's lawsuit in October, saying that he lacked the sense god gave a sand dollar.

Later that day the Sand Dollar Anti-Defamation League requested a formal apology for "impugning the character of sand dollars all over the globe."

Monday, December 08, 2008

Oh Lord, Wontcha Buy Me A Mercedes Benz

Man, it's a good thing god is, well, you know, god and all, otherwise he wouldn't be able to keep up. Last week we told you the state of Kentucky dropped responsibility for their security in his lap, and made him responsible, by law! As if the deity hasn't got enough trouble with the American judicial system. And since most of the lawyers go to hell, we'd imagine god is having trouble locating adequate legal representation.

Here it is god's busy season anyway, what with the war on Christmas and all, plus trying to shop for Mary. Hey, what do you get someone who, literally has everything? And then there's Jesus. Ever since he came back from that whole sacrifice thing he's got a terminal case of the big head. Oh sure, he's all like love thy neighbor this and turn the other cheek that, but try to get him to do anything around the house and you might as well be talking to a Caanaite or something.

But we digress.

Now the Rev. Charles Ellis has gone and dropped the auto industry bailout in god's lap.

With sport-utility vehicles at the altar and auto workers in the pews, one of Detroit's largest churches on Sunday offered up prayers for Congress to bail out the struggling auto industry.

"Oh heavenly father," Ellis intoned before the congregation, "We pray that you'll forget about those cousin marrying hillbillies in Kentucky and lay your holy hand upon the hearts of our Congress. Well, actually a little lower and around to the right, draw us out some of that bailout manna and shower it down upon us like bling at a Lil Wayne concert."

A Ford Escape, Chevy Tahoe from GM and a Chrysler Aspen were parked just in front of the choir and behind the pulpit. "Are they for bingo prizes," one congregant asked. "Doesn't god get around in a chariot of fire?" asked another. "Jesus has three SUV's?" asked a third

Ellis said he and other Detroit ministers would pray and fast until no one was looking. He urged his congregation to take up the slack. "Since most of you out of work, that fasting thing shouldn't be too hard," Ellis said.

Representing the 150,000 unionized workers at GM, Chrysler and Ford Motor Co. UAW Vice President General Holiefield said the industry had made its case for emergency funding as strongly as it could. "We have done all we can do in this union, so I'm going to turn it over to the Lord," Holiefield told the congregation. "Course, I'm keeping my salary, but the work I'm turning over to the lord."

At one point, Ellis summoned up hundreds of auto workers and retirees in the congregation to come forward toward the vehicles on the altar to be anointed with oil. When the oil ran out the reverend switched to anti-freeze, then windshield wiper fluid.

"It's all about hope. You can't dictate how people will think, how they will respond, how they will vote," Ellis said after the service. "But you can look to God. We believe he can change the minds and hearts of men and women in power, and that's what we tried to do today. Either that or turn them into toads if they don't slide us a little of that sumpin sumpin they're dropping all over the bankers."

God's office would neither confirm nor deny that the supreme being preferred Mercedes E class.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Friday Hound Blogging

Look, all the overlords want to do is make a quiet living. Off the suffering of animals, sure, but the animals wouldn't suffer if people weren't stupid enough to bet on them, so are the overlords responsible for that? No way, they just take advantage of it because it's easier than actually engaging in some sort of positive activity.

So you can understand the overlords' dismay when The Man sticks his nose into their nice little relationship with the rubes.

The New Frontier at Camptown Greyhound Park will find out about its fate when the Kansas Racing and Gaming Commission decides whether to pull the track’s license. At issue is the closure of all three of Kansas’s racetracks — Camptown, Wichita Greyhound, and the Woodlands — two of which are owned by the Ruffin family. At the same time, the Ruffins have argued that opening the track at the current state rates would cause the track to lose money.

OK, let's take a minute here. If the tracks are closed, they lose money, but if they're open they also lose money? Is that what you're saying Mr. Ruffin?

“It's not right," said Phil Ruffin Jr. earlier this fall. “We’re just trying to make it to where we can make money, which we could do if we weren't involved with greyhound racing. Well, that and if we had any talent at anything other than standing around while the dogs do all the work."

"If we are forced to open the track, we will lose money. And smart business people don't get into this business to lose money."

Actually, "smart" people don't get into this business at all, right Combat?

Combat is easygoing, curious, and a collector – he loves to take all the toys out of the toy basket and take them to his bed, one at a time. He is very affectionate and loves to give kisses to everyone he can find. “He just loves stuffies,” his foster mom says. “He is just precious and wags all the time.” He loves his toys so much he brought two with him from his last home. Combat has a great time in the yard, sniffing around and is sometimes lazy about coming inside. He also follows the foster family from room to room around the house. He likes to sleep with a stuffed elephant. Combat would do well in a single family working family home with well-mannered children, 10 years old and up. He is good with other dogs and he would probably be fine as an only dog – he might even prefer to be the only dog so he would be the center of attention. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

On The Bright Side, Unlike Wall Street At Least You'd Be Bailing Out People Who Actually Make Something

Careful readers of this blog probably regret they never finished that electronics correspondence mean may have noticed that we write from the Water Winter Wonderland, Michigan. Why haven't you weighed in on the auto industry bailout, Ironicus, they may ask. Enquiring minds want to know. Or maybe they said don't bother us now, Wheel of Fortune's on the tee vee.

Whatever. Truth be told, we're not too interested in cars, too many wheels. But, we are citizens of Peninsulam Amoenam and as such required under state law to own at least three vehicles, one of which may be on blocks in the front yard, so, along with our fellow Michiganiacs we have been following along as our esteemed Big (which is a relative term these days) 3 upper management team makes the pitch.

"We're here today because we made mistakes," General Motors chief executive Rick Wagoner told the Senate Banking Committee in prepared testimony. "Hummer, Escalade, Yukon, to name a few."

Ahead of testifying before the Senate Banking Committee, Wagoner apologized for asking for the help from taxpayers. Speaking with reporters, he said, "We wish we had the brains god gave a vanilla wafer. We don't."

Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli said: "I can tell you in my 38 years in business, I've never attended a more important session where more is reliant upon both the House and the Senate to cover our our our heck, look I got two kids in college and three memberships due. You gonna cash me or what?"

Ford CEO Alan Mulally said in his prepared remarks that while his company isn't in as desperate straits as rivals GM and Chrysler, his company could still use a federal guarantee. "Nardelli and Wagoner are like total losers, man. I mean Aveo? Pullleeeasse. PT Cruiser? That was lame in the 90's. How'd you guys like to have your very own Mustang?"

Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama, the senior Republican on the panel, complained that the price tag had jumped since the trio last appeared just two weeks ago. "Hey, you wanted the leather package," Nardelli replied.

Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd, D-Conn (It's all you need)., who supports helping the industry, said that a failure of one or more of the domestic automakers "would affect every sector of our economy. Mass transit would become more popular, that would reduce congestion on our roads. It would help improve air quality, and reduce energy use which in turn would make us less reliant on foreign oil. What was my point?"

"Congress has already given the Bush administration the authority to stabilize this industry," Dodd said. "But then we realized if we let them do it, we'll all be riding bicycles for the next 25 years."

Later, the three executives did burn outs in the parking lot until the capitol police confiscated their Segways.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Warning: These Premises Under Video Surveillance ...From Heaven

We'd like to offer a little advice to our reader(s) today, although we realize if you came to this blog looking for advice, your life went off the rails long ago. Still, for what it's worth, move to Kentucky.

Under state law, god is Kentucky's first line of defense against terrorism.

Now, the more astute of you may ask, why would god think he's bound by Kentucky state law, but let's leave that for a moment and consider the positive aspects of having the supreme being in charge of your security. First of all, he works for free, except during lent, but even then giving up Snickers is a small price to pay considering what Blackwater would charge for a similar service. Second, god doesn't belong to any union so no paid vacation, or retirement packages. And medical benefits? Why bother? God never gets sick. Third, being omnipotent and omniscient you never have to worry about god being back in the kitchenette getting a donut while the terrorists sneak through the fence.

Homeland Security is ordered to publicize God's benevolent protection in its reports, in the hopes that the terrorists will read them and be frightened because "our god is bigger than their god," according to State Rep. Tom Riner. In addition, it must post a plaque at the entrance to the state Emergency Operations Center with an 88-word statement that begins, "The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God whose office is on the fourth floor. Appointments required."

"This is recognition that government alone cannot guarantee the perfect safety of the people of Kentucky," Riner said. "And we're talking 'perfect' safety here." Later Riner admitted that part of the reason he felt he could guarantee 'perfect' safety was because "we got the Creation Museum. You know god ain't gonna let anything happen to that."

The 2008 Homeland Security report, issued a month ago, did not credit God, but it did complain about a decline in federal funding from Washington. "God has yet to submit any of the required quarterly status reports," said one official. "We've left messages with his office, but so far have not received a response. Unless you count lightening striking the that tree in the courtyard."

Thomas Preston, Beshear's Homeland Security chief, said he isn't interested in stepping into a religious debate, and he hasn't given this part of his duties much thought. "You want to be the one who gives god a negative performance report?" he asked. "Be my guest."

Monday, December 01, 2008

Bush Asks No Tears Be Shed As His Administration Closes: No Problem Country Replies

You know, we'll be the first to admit we haven't been particularly kind to president Bush over the years. Getting us involved in endless war, wrecking the Constitution, the economy, the environment, New Orleans and just about every other thing he touched did tend to wear on our patience a little. And if that wasn't enough, we've got just two words for you: Dick Cheney.

Still, when you're the epicenter of such death, destruction, devastation, incompetence, cronyism, and the cause of so much plain old world wide havoc, and yet you can remain, for eight years, so completely clueless to the harm you're doing to the whole human race, well, we have to say, that is ignorance of such Olympian proportions it takes our breath away. And, supposedly, he did it all while he was sober too!

"I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process," Bush told his sister in an interview released by the White House because no self respecting reporter will come within a mile of the place. "Of course I also didn't sell my soul to accommodate reality, practicality, humanity, or sanity."

Now be honest Mr. president. Your soul packed up and left years ago. It doesn't even write at Christmas anymore.

"I came to Washington with the IQ of an eggplant, and I'm leaving with the IQ of an eggplant. And even though the rest of the country may be a smoking trash heap, I'll sleep well at night. In Paraguay."

"And I darn sure wasn't going to sacrifice my values; that I was a president that had to make tough choices and was willing to make them because what the heck, it didn't affect me," he said. "I surrounded myself with people who kept my butt well kissed. I carefully considered the advice of smart, capable people and then listened to the voices in my head," he said.

"I'd like to be a president (known) as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace, but with only a month or so left in my presidency, the chances of that happening are slim to none. And slim left town. Now I'm just hoping not to be branded a war criminal. I'll roll over on Cheney if I have to. I'm too cute to go to prison."

He pinpointed the No Child Left Behind education program as "one of the significant achievements of my administration because we said loud and clear to educators, parents, and children that we don't give a rat's patootie about what eighty years or more of research says about how children learn and develop, we're going to test you until your little number two pencil is worn to a nubbin, then we're going to test you some more."

The excerpts concluded with a cautionary note about faith. Bush said he found that "faith is comforting, faith is strengthening, faith has been important because it allows me to believe whatever I want to, and then when things don't work out, I can blame god."

Or the Congress. Whichever gets you off the hook. Enjoy Paraguay. Oh, and if you're looking for a hobby now that you're retired, this would look nice embroidered on a pillow:

"Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.''