Bush Asks No Tears Be Shed As His Administration Closes: No Problem Country Replies

You know, we'll be the first to admit we haven't been particularly kind to president Bush over the years. Getting us involved in endless war, wrecking the Constitution, the economy, the environment, New Orleans and just about every other thing he touched did tend to wear on our patience a little. And if that wasn't enough, we've got just two words for you: Dick Cheney.

Still, when you're the epicenter of such death, destruction, devastation, incompetence, cronyism, and the cause of so much plain old world wide havoc, and yet you can remain, for eight years, so completely clueless to the harm you're doing to the whole human race, well, we have to say, that is ignorance of such Olympian proportions it takes our breath away. And, supposedly, he did it all while he was sober too!

"I would like to be a person remembered as a person who, first and foremost, did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process," Bush told his sister in an interview released by the White House because no self respecting reporter will come within a mile of the place. "Of course I also didn't sell my soul to accommodate reality, practicality, humanity, or sanity."

Now be honest Mr. president. Your soul packed up and left years ago. It doesn't even write at Christmas anymore.

"I came to Washington with the IQ of an eggplant, and I'm leaving with the IQ of an eggplant. And even though the rest of the country may be a smoking trash heap, I'll sleep well at night. In Paraguay."

"And I darn sure wasn't going to sacrifice my values; that I was a president that had to make tough choices and was willing to make them because what the heck, it didn't affect me," he said. "I surrounded myself with people who kept my butt well kissed. I carefully considered the advice of smart, capable people and then listened to the voices in my head," he said.

"I'd like to be a president (known) as somebody who liberated 50 million people and helped achieve peace, but with only a month or so left in my presidency, the chances of that happening are slim to none. And slim left town. Now I'm just hoping not to be branded a war criminal. I'll roll over on Cheney if I have to. I'm too cute to go to prison."

He pinpointed the No Child Left Behind education program as "one of the significant achievements of my administration because we said loud and clear to educators, parents, and children that we don't give a rat's patootie about what eighty years or more of research says about how children learn and develop, we're going to test you until your little number two pencil is worn to a nubbin, then we're going to test you some more."

The excerpts concluded with a cautionary note about faith. Bush said he found that "faith is comforting, faith is strengthening, faith has been important because it allows me to believe whatever I want to, and then when things don't work out, I can blame god."

Or the Congress. Whichever gets you off the hook. Enjoy Paraguay. Oh, and if you're looking for a hobby now that you're retired, this would look nice embroidered on a pillow:

"Not only do they reach erroneous conclusions and make unfortunate choices, but their incompetence robs them of the ability to realize it.''