Warning: These Premises Under Video Surveillance ...From Heaven

We'd like to offer a little advice to our reader(s) today, although we realize if you came to this blog looking for advice, your life went off the rails long ago. Still, for what it's worth, move to Kentucky.

Under state law, god is Kentucky's first line of defense against terrorism.

Now, the more astute of you may ask, why would god think he's bound by Kentucky state law, but let's leave that for a moment and consider the positive aspects of having the supreme being in charge of your security. First of all, he works for free, except during lent, but even then giving up Snickers is a small price to pay considering what Blackwater would charge for a similar service. Second, god doesn't belong to any union so no paid vacation, or retirement packages. And medical benefits? Why bother? God never gets sick. Third, being omnipotent and omniscient you never have to worry about god being back in the kitchenette getting a donut while the terrorists sneak through the fence.

Homeland Security is ordered to publicize God's benevolent protection in its reports, in the hopes that the terrorists will read them and be frightened because "our god is bigger than their god," according to State Rep. Tom Riner. In addition, it must post a plaque at the entrance to the state Emergency Operations Center with an 88-word statement that begins, "The safety and security of the Commonwealth cannot be achieved apart from reliance upon Almighty God whose office is on the fourth floor. Appointments required."

"This is recognition that government alone cannot guarantee the perfect safety of the people of Kentucky," Riner said. "And we're talking 'perfect' safety here." Later Riner admitted that part of the reason he felt he could guarantee 'perfect' safety was because "we got the Creation Museum. You know god ain't gonna let anything happen to that."

The 2008 Homeland Security report, issued a month ago, did not credit God, but it did complain about a decline in federal funding from Washington. "God has yet to submit any of the required quarterly status reports," said one official. "We've left messages with his office, but so far have not received a response. Unless you count lightening striking the that tree in the courtyard."

Thomas Preston, Beshear's Homeland Security chief, said he isn't interested in stepping into a religious debate, and he hasn't given this part of his duties much thought. "You want to be the one who gives god a negative performance report?" he asked. "Be my guest."