On The Bright Side, Unlike Wall Street At Least You'd Be Bailing Out People Who Actually Make Something

Careful readers of this blog probably regret they never finished that electronics correspondence course...er...we mean may have noticed that we write from the Water Winter Wonderland, Michigan. Why haven't you weighed in on the auto industry bailout, Ironicus, they may ask. Enquiring minds want to know. Or maybe they said don't bother us now, Wheel of Fortune's on the tee vee.

Whatever. Truth be told, we're not too interested in cars, too many wheels. But, we are citizens of Peninsulam Amoenam and as such required under state law to own at least three vehicles, one of which may be on blocks in the front yard, so, along with our fellow Michiganiacs we have been following along as our esteemed Big (which is a relative term these days) 3 upper management team makes the pitch.

"We're here today because we made mistakes," General Motors chief executive Rick Wagoner told the Senate Banking Committee in prepared testimony. "Hummer, Escalade, Yukon, to name a few."

Ahead of testifying before the Senate Banking Committee, Wagoner apologized for asking for the help from taxpayers. Speaking with reporters, he said, "We wish we had the brains god gave a vanilla wafer. We don't."

Chrysler CEO Bob Nardelli said: "I can tell you in my 38 years in business, I've never attended a more important session where more is reliant upon both the House and the Senate to cover our a...uh...eat our los...um...save our bon...no...oh heck, look I got two kids in college and three memberships due. You gonna cash me or what?"

Ford CEO Alan Mulally said in his prepared remarks that while his company isn't in as desperate straits as rivals GM and Chrysler, his company could still use a federal guarantee. "Nardelli and Wagoner are like total losers, man. I mean Aveo? Pullleeeasse. PT Cruiser? That was lame in the 90's. How'd you guys like to have your very own Mustang?"

Sen. Richard Shelby of Alabama, the senior Republican on the panel, complained that the price tag had jumped since the trio last appeared just two weeks ago. "Hey, you wanted the leather package," Nardelli replied.

Banking Committee Chairman Chris Dodd, D-Conn (It's all you need)., who supports helping the industry, said that a failure of one or more of the domestic automakers "would affect every sector of our economy. Mass transit would become more popular, that would reduce congestion on our roads. It would help improve air quality, and reduce energy use which in turn would make us less reliant on foreign oil. What was my point?"

"Congress has already given the Bush administration the authority to stabilize this industry," Dodd said. "But then we realized if we let them do it, we'll all be riding bicycles for the next 25 years."

Later, the three executives did burn outs in the parking lot until the capitol police confiscated their Segways.