Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Klaatu Baracka Nicto

Hey, did you hear Obama can't be president because he's a Kenyan, or a Hawaiian, or a Replicator, or something? Anyway, the point is he's not a citizen because he was really born in a pod on a starship controlled by the System Lords and may carry a larval Goa'uld.

We just skimmed the article though, so we may not have all the details right.

"Since candidate Obama was born to a Kenyan father, he is not eligible to the office of the President since he is not a natural born white citizen," said retired attorney Leo C. Donofrio in his petition to the Supreme Court. "Plus he has a third eye on the back of his head. But don't bother looking for it, because only I can see it thanks to years of training during my apprenticeship with the Tok'ra."

Anyone born on U.S. soil is a U.S. citizen, regardless of his or her parents' immigration status. Hawaii has been a state since 1959. "Right," Donofrio said. "And because Hawaii over the date line, 1961 here was really 1958 there."

Donofrio, who lives in the state of denial, initially asked the high court for an emergency stay on Nov. 3 . Justice David Souter denied the request three days later and requested Donofrio's medication records. Donofrio then resubmitted his request to Justice Clarence Thomas, who passed it along for consideration by the full court.

Wait. Souter denied it, but Thomas wasn't able to make a decision? Oh, we know. Scalia must have been in the bathroom and couldn't pull the strings in Thomas' back that make his mouth move.

The Supreme Court then declined to heart the long-shot challenge to Obama's electoral eligibility. In a related move, the Court issued a statement saying Justice Thomas is no longer allowed to sit with the other Justices at lunch. "They can only take so much," said a Court clerk who asked not to be identified. "I mean, he's a nice guy and all, but we have to bring him in out of the rain so he doesn't drown if you get my drift."

Next up will be a separate lawsuit filed by Pennsylvania attorney Philip J. Berg . Berg, a former state deputy attorney general, also has filed several conspiracy lawsuits — including one alleging that President George W. Bush had a hand in the Sept. 11, 2001 , terrorist attacks. "Shortly before the attack I monitored a hyperspace communication between the White House and a Romulan ship in geosynchronous orbit behind the moon. Coincidence? I don't think so."

A federal judge in Eastern Pennsylvania threw out Berg's lawsuit in October, saying that he lacked the sense god gave a sand dollar.

Later that day the Sand Dollar Anti-Defamation League requested a formal apology for "impugning the character of sand dollars all over the globe."

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