OK, So The Sequins Should Have Been A Clue

So if you're like most people, you're thinking most of the spying that goes on in this desultory world is your government listening in to you ordering pizza on your cell phone. Ha. That just goes to show how little you know about the shadowy, clandestine world of espionage where life is cheap as yesterday's news, trust is thin as ice in August, and death is around every corner.

Plus, you have to dress funny.

It was a typical Sunday Mass until two men in heavy makeup and nuns' habits received Holy Communion from San Francisco's top Catholic official.

That's right folks. Yesterday we told you about Agent Stenico and operation Casu Consulto.* (Catholics like to say things in Latin) Today we learn that Teh Gays have their own secret service, and no, we don't mean it that way.

On Oct. 7, Archbishop George Niederauer delivered the Eucharist to members of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence - an activist group whose motto is "go forth and sin some more" - prompting cries of outrage from conservatives across the country and Catholics in San Francisco. "They penetrated our security. They thrust themselves into the deepest part of the sanctuary. They came up to...excuse me, is it hot in here?" Asked an aide to Father Niederauer.

In response to a request for comment, Niederauer released a letter of apology a in which he said he did not realize his mistake until after the Mass at Most Holy Redeemer Church in the Castro district. When asked what he was doing in the Castro district in the first place, Father Niederauer responded that was "classified."

"At Communion time, toward the end of the line, two strangely dressed persons came to receive Communion," Niederauer wrote. "As I recall, one of them wore a large flowered hat or garland."

"In Father Niederauer's defense, his attention was distracted by the gentleman who was wearing a new pair of red Prada loafers and Gucci sunglasses," said an aide.

"Someone who dresses in a mock religious habit to attend Mass does so to make a point (that) was intended as a provocative gesture," Niederauer said. "Well, I don't mean 'provocative' like that," he added. "They're just trying to get a rise out of me. No wait, that's not right either. It's just a come on...ah...never mind."

The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, founded in San Francisco in 1979, are known for their white face paint, outrageous costumes, theatrics and support of the gay community. Sister Barbi Mitzvah, who serves as "Board Chairnun" and "Sexytary," said Tuesday that the group is "not offering a comment. But if the good Padre wants to stop by later we've got something else we can offer him," h/she said.

Conservative Fox news commentator Bill O'Reilly, who has disparaged "San Francisco values," called the latest flap another example of how the city is run by "far-left secular progressives who despise the military, traditional values and religion."

When it was pointed out that the incident involved members of the Catholic church and private citizens and did not involve any office or level of government O'Reilly's office issued a clarification that read in part "I still don't like gays."

"It's been all the news in Catholic circles," said Bill May, chairman of the San Francisco-based Catholics for the Common Good. "Catholics are hurt, frustrated and a bit angry because nobody is standing up and saying this is not right. "A nun's habit is a special piece of clothing to us. Would I go to a gay function dressed in drag?" asked May. "OK, bad example, but you see my point."

Sister Delta Goodhand, one of the two who received communion from Niederauer, wrote: "Just a quick note to recognize the wonderful mass yesterday at your Church. Your entire congregation was so welcoming and it was great to be able to participate. You are a wonderfully inclusive Church."

"Let them show up again," said an aide to Father Niederauer. "We'll show them some 'inclusion' upside their gay little heads. This is a church for crying out loud."


*Accidentally on purpose