If Ugly Was a Drop Of Water, Hllary'd Be The Pacific Ocean. But We'd Totally Hit That

OK, granted it's Monday after a weekend, which means we're a little...erm...out of phase. Now, we're not using that as an excuse for not watching the latest republican...ah...whatdyacallit...cliche' fest...no...panderrama...uh uh...Fred Thompson wake...mmm...oh, "debate." That's what the adults call it. Anyway, we didn't watch it because, well because there was fly dandruff in the pepper that needed to be removed. And after that the sock drawer was in a total state of chaos, plus we noticed our neighbor had painted his garage so we had to watch that dry.

We think you get our point. Turns out though, that like everyone else with an IQ above that of sparkling water the republicans are getting tired of each other because now they've started "debating" Hillary Clinton.

The bus load of screaming whackos (tm) staged their most contentious and personal "debate" of the long campaign season, clashing sharply over abortion, immigration, tort reform and their readiness to challenge Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton (D - Uppity Woman) in a general election.

The "debate's" opening minutes included a series of hissy fits that illustrated the growing stakes in the nominating battle. Former New York mayor Rudolph W. 9/11 and former Massachusetts governor Mitt position a day Romney were quickly put on the defensive, fending off criticism leveled by former senator Fred D. Thompson who managed to stay awake for twenty minutes of the "debate." A personal best. Thompson questioned their conservative credentials."If you were a true conservative you'd drive over to Hillary's house and egg it," Thompson said.

"I stopped 9/11 all by myself and rebuilt New York," Giuliani. "I'm not afraid of Hillary."

"Yeah, well if she was here right now I'd...I'd...I'd call her a big fat hag right to her face,"Romney said.

Thompson raked Giuliani for having supported federal funding of abortion, voting for the reelection of Democrat Mario Cuomo for governor in 1994, backing gun control and making New York a sanctuary city for immigrants. "He sides with Hillary Clinton on each of those issues," Thompson said.

"Do not," Giuliani responded.

"Do too," Romney added. "I bet you want to go steady with her."

Giuliani then jumped on Thompson, attacking his record in the Senate of opposing GOP-sponsored legislation to limit costly lawsuits. "Fred was the single biggest obstacle to tort reform in the United States Senate," he said. "He stood with democrats over and over again. Hillary's a democrat you know."

"What's a tort?" asked Thomapson.

One of the most personal attacks came when senator John McCain joined the fray, taking umbrage at Romney's recent statement that he speaks for the "Republican wing" of the Republican Party. "Governor Romney, you've been spending the last year trying to fool people about your record," McCain said. "I don't want you to start fooling them about mine. I stand on my record. I stand on my record of a conservative. Plus I once tried to run Hillary over."

Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee, who has been crowding his way into the top tier of the race, stood by throughout the early exchanges, then chided the others for attacking one another, saying, "Hey. I'm running for president too. Can somebody accuse me of liking Hillary?"

Prodded by Fox News's Chris Wallace, the Republican candidates unloaded on Clinton, describing her as unfit to be commander in chief, determined to create a government-run health system and a big-spending tax hiker, and an ugly headed poopy face. "I'm supposed to ask you guys questions about health care, the economy and the war and stuff people care about, but let's just forget that and call Hillary names," Wallace said.

"Fine with me," Romney replied. "I have so many positions I can't keep them straight anyway."

"Can we at least talk about 9/11," Giuliani asked.

"I'm a war hero," McCain said.

"Is there a restroom nearby?" Thompson wanted to know.

Wallace turned to Giuliani and compared him to Clinton, Giuliani said simply: "You've got to be kidding. You have got to be kidding." He quoted Clinton as saying: "I have a million ideas; America cannot afford them all," and then, with a sneer, said: "No kidding, Hillary -- America can't afford you."

"Oh no he di nit" the audience responded.

While the candidates echoed Bush's positions on several issues, they distinguished themselves from him as more hawkish on foreign policy, declaring that they would take a harder line against Russia and Iran. "All Bush could manage was to start two wars," Giuliani said. "If elected I'll be at war with Iran and North Korea before inauguration day.

"Yeah, well I'll be at war with Iran, North Korea and Mexico before the votes are counted," Romney countered.

"Gentlemen. Can we just get back to calling Hillary names," Fox news correspondent Wallace asked.

"Aren't we already at war with Iran," Thompson wanted to know.

"That's Iraq, senator. Try to keep up," Wallace answered.

Tancredo, Hunter and Paul played smaller roles. Tancredo accused House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Woman too.) of interfering in foreign policy and provoking Turkey at a sensitive moment by pushing a resolution on Armenian genocide. "Nancy Pelosi is not a very good speaker of the House, and she is an even lousier secretary of state," he said.

"Wait. I thought we were talking about Hillary," said Romney.

"They all look alike to me," Giuliani said.

"Nancy Pelosi" Isn't that Reagan's wife? asked Thompson.

Hunter answered a question about Social Security with a lecture on trade policy, prompting an incredulous Hume to ask: "Do you really think we can solve the Social Security and Medicare entitlement programs with trade policy?"

"No, but I'm sure Hillary does," Hunter responded.

Paul spoke passionately against the war in Iraq. But he also accused his Republican rivals of being for big government. "Our big-government conservatives, they're part of the neo-conservative movement. They've lost their traditions about traditional conservatism and the Constitution."

"I know you are, but what am I?" asked Romney.

"I hear Hillary likes the Constitution too." Giuliani said.

"Who's Hillary?" Thompson asked. By then most of the audience had left to watch Alan Keyes debate the Zorgons in the park across the street.