Tuesday, September 18, 2007

OK, Say You Win. How Do You Plan To Collect?

Sometimes, as we peruse what passes for news from the mainstream media here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we are taken with the thought that local politicians don't have enough to do. Then we read something like this and we're sure of it.

Nebraska State Senator Ernie Chambers is suing God. While the deity had no initial comment, sources close to his celestial magnificence expressed concern, as there are no lawyers in heaven. "We're making arrangements to contact Satan and see if we can work out some sort of deal for Johnny Cochran," said the Archangel Michael.

Chambers said that it is to prove a point about frivolous lawsuits. "Just kidding," Chambers told a delegation of clergy. "Can't the big guy take a joke?" He said his main objection is that the constitution requires that the doors to the courthouse be open to all. "Can't we do something about giving everyone rights? Who's idea was that anyway?"

Chambers' lawsuit, which was filed in Douglas County Court, seeks a permanent injunction ordering God to cease certain harmful activities and the making of terroristic threats. "And that's just the old testament," said Chambers' lawyer. "We haven't even gotten to the Jesus years yet."

The lawsuit admits God goes by all sorts of alias, names, titles and designations and it also recognizes the fact that the defendant is omnipresent. "So he should have no trouble making a court date," Chambers told reporters.

The lawsuit accuses God "of making and continuing to make terroristic threats of grave harm to innumerable persons, including constituents of Plaintiff who Plaintiff has the duty to represent." It says God has caused "fearsome floods, egregious earthquakes, horrendous hurricanes, terrifying tornadoes, pestilential plagues, ferocious famines, devastating droughts, genocidal wars, birth defects, the New York Yankees, and the like."

The suit also says God has caused "calamitous catastrophes resulting in the wide-spread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants including innocent babes, infants, children, the aged and infirm without mercy or distinction. Plus, we're pretty sure he had something to do with the invention of the Krispy Kreme bacon double cheeseburger."

Chambers asks for the court to grant him a summary judgment. He said as an alternative, he wants the judge to set a date for a hearing as expeditiously as possible and enter a permanent injunction enjoining God from engaging in the types of deleterious actions and the making of terroristic threats described in the lawsuit. "And he can lay off the drought thing too," Chambers added. "It's getting way too dry out here."

Later that day, Chambers told reporters he had moved his first born to an undisclosed location.

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