Sex Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be. Just Ask Your Mother

We think it was the great and powerful TBogg who opined that some people choose abstinence, others have it thrust upon them. Apparently, the latter category having been handed the reigns of power by our democratic system (or what's left of it) have attempted to make their circumstance the choice of all those rutting little bags of raging hormones generally referred to in polite society as "the kids."

It's worked about as well as you might have thought it would had you ever been young and had the stink of abstinence on you like hopelessness. Not that we ever...well... technically...um...see...look, choice is such a slippery word. Besides, what about Elizabeth? Did she choose to wear those skirts with the slit up the side? Did she choose to walk by your desk five times a day in History class? Did she choose to flaunt that glimpse of perfect thigh just inches from our fevered brows? And what about Natalie, running to the bus after school, the sun glancing off that golden hair, those legs, so long and tanned flashing under her billowing summer dress, so perfect...yes, it's all coming back to us now like an old movie seen again after many years. A movie with a sad ending. Many sad endings. Many sad, lonely endings. Excuse us a minute.

Yes. Well. Where were we?

The number of states refusing federal money for "abstinence-only" sex education programs jumped sharply in the past year as evidence mounted that the approach is ineffective. We think by "evidence" they mean in most classes the students end up explaining things to the teachers, but we're not sure about that.

"We're concerned about this," said Stan Koutstaal of the Department of Health and Human Services, which runs the program. "My greatest concern about states dropping out is that these are valuable services and programs. It's the youths in these states who are missing out."

Um...no Mr. Koutstaal, the "youths" haven't been missing out, and that's the problem.

The trend has triggered intense lobbying of state legislators and governors around the country. Supporters of the programs are scrambling to reverse the decisions, while opponents are pressuring more states to join the trend.

See, here's the problem. supporters are doing this, opponents are doing that. WHO'S WATCHING THE KIDS?

"We hope that it sends a message to the politicians in Washington that this program needs to change, and states need to be able to craft a program that has some connection to reality for their young people and that is not a dictated by Washington ideologues," William Smith of the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States said.

"Hey. I'm no ideologue," Koutstaal said. "I've had dates,"

"Our critics would have governors believe that these programs are just somebody standing in front of the class wagging a finger and saying, 'No. No. No. Don't have sex.' That's not what these classes entail," Valerie Huber of the National Abstinence Education Association said. "We have five or 10 people standing in front of the class wagging a finger and saying, 'No. No. No. Don't have sex.'"

The jump in states opting out follows a series of reports questioning the effectiveness of the approach, including one commissioned by Congress that was released earlier this year. The "Foley Report" showed a distinct drop in Congress members practicing abstinence starting with the republican takeover of both houses.

"This abstinence-only program is just not getting the job done," said Cecile Richards of the Planned Parenthood Federation of America. "Just look at those horndogs in Congress. Telling them to keep it in their pants is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

"Um...this is about the kids," said Koutstaal.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry," Richards replied.

Koutstaal took issue with critics who blame abstinence programs for the increase in teen births, noting that rates have continued to decline for 10-to-14-year-olds -- the ages typically targeted by the programs. "I think it's awfully hard to blame abstinence education for the increase in birth rates," he said. "Sure, as soon as they get out of the program they go at it like rabbits on steroids but is that our fault? It's abstinence only, not abstinence always.

Is That A Sock In Your Huggies, Or Are You Just Glad To See Me?

Hey, the Petreaus *cough* whitehouse *cough* "report" got you down? Tired of hearing the troops will come home if you just give us six more months? Thinking that building full of sissies perverts and criminals we call Congress won't do anything to end the war? Again. Figure we're going to stay in Iraq forever? Cheer up. We are!

So let's see what the good republican pervert is up to. You know, the one who, even though he bought hookers and engaged is some pretty kinky...erm...variations on the missionary position, is at least a hetero. Hey, you take your victories where you find them.

That's right, we're talking about that Lothario of Louisiana, the in flagrante delicto of Family Values the Huggies Humper, the one and only--well, OK, not the one and only--but let's give it up anyway for Daaaaavid Vitter!!

Weeks after U.S. Sen. David Vitter tried to discredit her allegations, a woman who used to work as a prostitute in New Orleans passed a lie detector test averring that she had a "sexual relationship" with Vitter that lasted at least four months. "There's no way she's telling the truth," said a spokesperson for Vitter's office. "Dave's a real horn' dawg. He ain't lettin' no filly tie him down that long. Wait, can I rephrase that?"

The woman, Wendy Yow Ellis, claims that she had intercourse with Vitter in a French Quarter apartment at Dauphine and Dumaine streets in 1999, the year the Metairie Republican was elected to Congress. "Look he'd just been elected," the spokesperson said. "Everybody has their own way of celebrating."

Ellis, whose maiden name is Wendy Yow, said Monday that she took the polygraph test because Vitter tried to impugn her credibility at a news conference in July, when he denied news reports about his involvement with prostitutes in New Orleans without being specific.

Vitter's office later issued a statement saying the senator hadn't intended to impugn Ellis, but "after a while all them girls start to look alike, and the senator just couldn't place her."

Vitter's press secretary refused to comment about the lie detector test Monday. "Senator Vitter and his wife have addressed all of this very directly," Joel DiGrado's statement said. "The senator is focused on important Louisiana priorities like the decriminalization of prostitution and containing the spread of genital herpes."

Ellis said she and Vitter had safe sex and that he did not have any unusual proclivities. She said he paid $300 an hour for her services."He was a very clean man," Ellis said. "He came in, took a shower, did his business and would leave."

"And that's the kind of focus, dedication and commitment that Louisiana needs," DiGrado said. "Plus he's clean and fastidious about his personal grooming."

OK, then why'd he take a shower first?

What We Want To Know Is Did The Teacher Tell The Class To Get Busy?

We're not quite sure what to make of this, except to say we're beginning to regret taking Spanish instead of shop back when we had the chance. In our defense, we should point out that the only reason we took Spanish was because we had a crush on Linda Flores who, because of her last name, we also believed already spoke the language fluently and thus would provide us with the perfect, "let's study together" cover.

Warren Township Superintendent Dr. Peggy Hinckley faced parents, cameras and tough questions about two 6th graders engaging in sexual activity in an Industrial Arts class while other students sat nearby listening to Howard Stern on their ipods. "We think they may have been working on an extra credit project for their biology class," she told a group of incredulous parents.

Dr. Hinckley described how students hid the sexual acts behind a work station. "All students have to do is sit down and scoot under the desk and the teacher can't see anything."

OK, so our question is, how do those students score on the state proficiency exam, because it seems their planning and problem solving skills are right up there. With their libidos.

According to the superintendent, most of the children were working inside this production room. The teacher was moving between the two rooms supervising. But according to the superintendent he could not see the children's activity across this cubicle."His first clue that something was amiss was when he heard someone shouting 'Who's your daddy now! Say my name! Say my name!'"

"Working inside the production room." So that's what the kids are calling it these days.

"If you want to know, and you feel you have a right to know what's going on in your child's school for God's sake keep an eye on You Tube," parent Nancy Martin told the crowd.

The Superintendent said there are changes on the way. For starters, the tops of the cubicles will come down so that teachers can see clearly that students are only engaging in missionary sex. "None of that west coast kinky stuff around here," she told parents. The district confirmed that it had dropped plans to add saltpeter to all school lunches and require school uniforms with locking zippers, but said it would look at improving communications, possibly hiring a media cover up professional and adding sex ed classes taught by monks.

Well, the media guy OK, but it seems to us the kids got all the ed about sex they need right about now.