Whether you agree with president Bush's policies or not, there's one thing everybody can agree on: Nice guys finish last, but stupid guys become president...er...no...Sobriety isn't necessarily an improvement...wait...not that one...Leading the world's most powerful nation takes skill, talent and intelligence, but we elected Bush instead...aw...eh...What we mean to say is that we all can agree he's consistent. And while we're on the subject, if you do agree with president Bush's policies you're probably reading this as an orderly looks over your shoulder nervously glancing at his watch and wondering when your next Ziprasidone injection is.
But we digress.
Fresh from his triumphant tour of out of the way places in Africa where he finally found black people who might vote republican, if they spoke English, and if they were citizens, and if it weren't for the fact that they lived in Africa and had never heard of George Bush, our president has turned his considerable analytical skills on the upcoming presidential election.
Bet you never thought you'd see president Bush and considerable analytical skills in the same sentence, huh?
But we digress again.
President Bush predicted that voters will replace him with a Republican president who will "try to keep me out of jail. I'm confident we'll hold the White House in 2008," Bush told donors at the Republican Governors Association annual dinner. Several governors had to excuse themselves after coughing their beverages through their noses.
"And I don't want the next Republican president to be lonely," Bush said. "And that is why we got to take the House, retake the Senate, and make sure our states are governed by Republican governors. Plus I'm leaving Barney here when I move out." At that point a rumor went around the gathering that this was not president Bush at all, but Will Ferrall doing his comedy Bush impersonation.
He said Republicans still offer the bedrock positions that voters embrace: Sweetheart deals, pedophilia and mindless violence.
"When I say I'm confident, I am so because I understand the mentality of the American people," Bush said. "And I understand the mentality of our candidates. And there's no question in my mind, one of those groups is completely, howl at the moon bonkers. Well, maybe both,I mean, you guys made me your candidate and people out there voted for me."
"I believe the American people understand that success in Iraq is necessary for the long-term success of my legacy," Bush said. "And we will elect somebody to the White House who will help me find my pony."
About 1,400 people attended the event at the cavernous National Building Museum, where they dined on grilled shrimp, spring rolls, gumbo and crab cakes before the secret service forced them into an adjacent room to hear Bush.
Showing posts with label George Bush. Show all posts
Showing posts with label George Bush. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Monday, December 17, 2007
A Public Service Announcement From The Staff at Ironicus Maximus
Every once in a while we like to take a little time out from heaping boatloads o' funny on your scrawny reader behinds and do some good for the community. Other times we do this:
All worthy questions and deserving of answers, but time is of the essence here. That distant rumble you hear is the approach of Catastrophe. The Four Horsemen have been loosed; the seventh seal broken; Pandora's box has not only been opened, it has been turned upside down and shaken.
Ladies and gentlemen, George Bush has taken the measure of our economy...and pronounced it well.
Yes, Mr. WMD, Mr. Good Job Brownie, Mr. Iran has nukes, Mr. SCHIP is helping too many rich kids, Mr. We take care of our veterans, has applied his considerable analytic skills to the American economy and found it possessed of a strong "underpinning."
This can only mean one thing: Those unable to flee will be eaten by roving band of Jackals after the collapse.
Bush tried to position himself as an advocate for working families by taking aim at his favorite target: the Democratic Congress. "The Congress cannot take economic vitality for granted," Bush said. "Especially with someone like me in the White House. You think what I did to New Orleans was special? You ain't seen nothing yet."
"The most negative thing Congress can do in the face of economic uncertainty is to raise taxes on the American people," Bush said. "And by the American people I mean those who use private jets to go to the store for a pack of cigarettes."
Bush chose to highlight positive economic news, such as job growth. "People are working; productivity is high," Bush said. "Of course salaries are crap, and health benefits are disappearing faster than a page at a republican caucus, but hey, no plan is perfect."
"I just want to let you know we've got a strategy," the president said. "I developed it along with my Iraq strategy, my plan to rebuild New Orleans, and my policy for dealing with Iran."
Bush spoke at the Yak-A-Doo's restaurant inside a Holiday Inn. The White House wanted to keep the flavor of the local Rotary meeting and throw off the protesters, so there was no banner or backdrop. Bush was not even introduced because the people on the dais were all drunk; he just showed up, drawing a round of applause until the audience realized he wasn't the impressionist who had been scheduled as the luncheon entertainment.
Now, you may wonder why this little piece of advice is relevant. You may say, "Ironicus, what would cause you to proffer such a suggestion as this?" You may inquire of your neighbor, "Neighbor, do you know Ironicus has advocated a totally panicked, spittle flecked, wild eyed flight from hearth and home?" To which your neighbor would reply "Ironicus? What's that?"SELL EVERYTHING YOU CAN, INCLUDING THE CHILDREN AND THE DOG, COVERT IT TO GOLD AND MOVE TO A CAVE BELIZE
All worthy questions and deserving of answers, but time is of the essence here. That distant rumble you hear is the approach of Catastrophe. The Four Horsemen have been loosed; the seventh seal broken; Pandora's box has not only been opened, it has been turned upside down and shaken.
Ladies and gentlemen, George Bush has taken the measure of our economy...and pronounced it well.
Yes, Mr. WMD, Mr. Good Job Brownie, Mr. Iran has nukes, Mr. SCHIP is helping too many rich kids, Mr. We take care of our veterans, has applied his considerable analytic skills to the American economy and found it possessed of a strong "underpinning."
This can only mean one thing: Those unable to flee will be eaten by roving band of Jackals after the collapse.
Bush tried to position himself as an advocate for working families by taking aim at his favorite target: the Democratic Congress. "The Congress cannot take economic vitality for granted," Bush said. "Especially with someone like me in the White House. You think what I did to New Orleans was special? You ain't seen nothing yet."
"The most negative thing Congress can do in the face of economic uncertainty is to raise taxes on the American people," Bush said. "And by the American people I mean those who use private jets to go to the store for a pack of cigarettes."
Bush chose to highlight positive economic news, such as job growth. "People are working; productivity is high," Bush said. "Of course salaries are crap, and health benefits are disappearing faster than a page at a republican caucus, but hey, no plan is perfect."
"I just want to let you know we've got a strategy," the president said. "I developed it along with my Iraq strategy, my plan to rebuild New Orleans, and my policy for dealing with Iran."
Bush spoke at the Yak-A-Doo's restaurant inside a Holiday Inn. The White House wanted to keep the flavor of the local Rotary meeting and throw off the protesters, so there was no banner or backdrop. Bush was not even introduced because the people on the dais were all drunk; he just showed up, drawing a round of applause until the audience realized he wasn't the impressionist who had been scheduled as the luncheon entertainment.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
BREAKING: Bush Threatens To Hold Breath Until Iran Restarts Nuclear Weapons Program
You know, sometimes it must suck to be president. Just when you think you've got ways to convince people that we should be fighting a meaningless war in a unnecessary place figured out and you're ready to do it all again, someone goes and harshes your mellow.
President Bush got the world's attention this fall when he warned that a nuclear-armed Iran might lead to World War III. But after the world made a few calls and got the president's medication changed, things returned to normal.
It turns out though, that his stark warning came at least a month or two after he had first been told about fresh indications that Iran had actually halted its nuclear weapons program. "What? You think he understands something the first time we tell him?" said one White House aide who asked not to be named, "We're still trying to explain to him why he can't wear a flight suit and land on carrier decks anymore. God bless him, he really enjoyed that."
The new intelligence report not only undercut the administration's wild eyed, spittle flecked totally bonkizoid rhetoric over Iran's nuclear ambitions, but could also throttle Bush's effort towards more unnecessary death and destruction before the end of his presidency, which by the way, is 412 days away. "And that's really the disappointing part," said one of the three Bush supporters left in the country. "I mean, the guy is one war away from the record books. What other US president could say they started not one, but two meaningless, useless, unwinnable wars?"
"It's a little head-spinning," said Daniel Benjamin, an official on President Bill Clinton's National Security Council. "Everybody's going to be trying to scratch their heads and figure out what comes next."
Umm...we've got a suggestion: Rationality? Hey, we've tried clown-wonk for seven years, what could it hurt?
Bush administration officials who had not resigned yet said the report vindicated their concerns because it concluded that Iran did have a nuclear weapons program until halting it in 2003 and it showed that U.S.-led diplomatic pressure had succeeded in forcing Tehran's hand. "If we hadn't been telling you for the last four years that they had a program that they didn't have, who knows what they would have had," said national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley.
Hadley disagreed that the report showed that past administration statements have been wrong, noting that, "When you're lying, and you know you're lying, and you choose to lie, then you're not wrong. Delusional? Criminally culpable? Sure, but wrong? No way."
Hadley noted that collecting intelligence on a "hard target" such as Iran is notoriously difficult. "Welcome to the real world," he said. At that point the press conference had to be halted as Mr. Hadley's head exploded.
Later, he defended Bush's World War III reference and repeated it himself during a briefing, saying if the world wants to avoid an Iranian bomb and "having to use force to stop it with all the connotations of World War III, then we need to step up the diplomacy." At that point paramedics had to be called because Mr. Hadley's head exploded again.
Critics should be careful not to dismiss the threat, Hadley added, his voice muffled by the bandages, pointing to Iran's continued enrichment of uranium, which could eventually be used to assist a weapons program. "I'm sure some people will use this as an excuse or a pretext for, you know, moving towards peace," he said. "But we still believe we have a better than 50/50 chance to bomb them before this administration is over."
"While I was in the administration, I saw intelligence march up the hill and down the hill in short periods of time with no reason for them to change their mind," said John R. Bolton, Bush's former ambassador to the United Nations. "I've never based my view on intelligence. In fact I try to stay away from intelligence in all its forms, and if you look I my career I think you'll agree I've been pretty successful at it."
Republican candidates, who have expressed their readiness to attack Iran if needed to stop it from obtaining nuclear weapons, or Walmarts remained largely silent. "My guy thought we had already invaded Iran," said an aide to Senator Fred Thompson. Mayor Guiliani's campaign issued a statement that said the Mayor had personally gone to Iran and ended their weapons program as part of his defense of the country after 9/11. Mitt Romney said if elected president he would personally strap Ahmadinejad to the top if his car and drive around until Iran ended its nuclear program.
According to reports in the Washington Post and the New York Times, Democratic candidates for president Edwards, Clinton and Obama responded by respectively getting a hair cut, showing a little booby, and denying they were muslim.
President Bush got the world's attention this fall when he warned that a nuclear-armed Iran might lead to World War III. But after the world made a few calls and got the president's medication changed, things returned to normal.
It turns out though, that his stark warning came at least a month or two after he had first been told about fresh indications that Iran had actually halted its nuclear weapons program. "What? You think he understands something the first time we tell him?" said one White House aide who asked not to be named, "We're still trying to explain to him why he can't wear a flight suit and land on carrier decks anymore. God bless him, he really enjoyed that."
The new intelligence report not only undercut the administration's wild eyed, spittle flecked totally bonkizoid rhetoric over Iran's nuclear ambitions, but could also throttle Bush's effort towards more unnecessary death and destruction before the end of his presidency, which by the way, is 412 days away. "And that's really the disappointing part," said one of the three Bush supporters left in the country. "I mean, the guy is one war away from the record books. What other US president could say they started not one, but two meaningless, useless, unwinnable wars?"
"It's a little head-spinning," said Daniel Benjamin, an official on President Bill Clinton's National Security Council. "Everybody's going to be trying to scratch their heads and figure out what comes next."
Umm...we've got a suggestion: Rationality? Hey, we've tried clown-wonk for seven years, what could it hurt?
Bush administration officials who had not resigned yet said the report vindicated their concerns because it concluded that Iran did have a nuclear weapons program until halting it in 2003 and it showed that U.S.-led diplomatic pressure had succeeded in forcing Tehran's hand. "If we hadn't been telling you for the last four years that they had a program that they didn't have, who knows what they would have had," said national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley.
Hadley disagreed that the report showed that past administration statements have been wrong, noting that, "When you're lying, and you know you're lying, and you choose to lie, then you're not wrong. Delusional? Criminally culpable? Sure, but wrong? No way."
Hadley noted that collecting intelligence on a "hard target" such as Iran is notoriously difficult. "Welcome to the real world," he said. At that point the press conference had to be halted as Mr. Hadley's head exploded.
Later, he defended Bush's World War III reference and repeated it himself during a briefing, saying if the world wants to avoid an Iranian bomb and "having to use force to stop it with all the connotations of World War III, then we need to step up the diplomacy." At that point paramedics had to be called because Mr. Hadley's head exploded again.
Critics should be careful not to dismiss the threat, Hadley added, his voice muffled by the bandages, pointing to Iran's continued enrichment of uranium, which could eventually be used to assist a weapons program. "I'm sure some people will use this as an excuse or a pretext for, you know, moving towards peace," he said. "But we still believe we have a better than 50/50 chance to bomb them before this administration is over."
"While I was in the administration, I saw intelligence march up the hill and down the hill in short periods of time with no reason for them to change their mind," said John R. Bolton, Bush's former ambassador to the United Nations. "I've never based my view on intelligence. In fact I try to stay away from intelligence in all its forms, and if you look I my career I think you'll agree I've been pretty successful at it."
Republican candidates, who have expressed their readiness to attack Iran if needed to stop it from obtaining nuclear weapons, or Walmarts remained largely silent. "My guy thought we had already invaded Iran," said an aide to Senator Fred Thompson. Mayor Guiliani's campaign issued a statement that said the Mayor had personally gone to Iran and ended their weapons program as part of his defense of the country after 9/11. Mitt Romney said if elected president he would personally strap Ahmadinejad to the top if his car and drive around until Iran ended its nuclear program.
According to reports in the Washington Post and the New York Times, Democratic candidates for president Edwards, Clinton and Obama responded by respectively getting a hair cut, showing a little booby, and denying they were muslim.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Don't Know George Bush. Never Heard Of Him. Saw The Ad In The Paper.
OK, here's our question. At this point in the Bush administration, shouldn't anyone nominated for any office by the president be automatically disqualified because...well...because Bush nominated them? We mean, talk about a perfect negative barometer...
U.S. attorney general nominee Michael Mukasey denounced torture and pledged to stand up to the White House in pursuit of justice if confirmed. At that point the hearings were paused so that Mukasey could stand up, take off his shoes and socks and spread his hands so senators could determine if his fingers or toes were crossed.
"Legal decisions and the progress of cases are decided by facts and law, not by interests and motives," the retired judge and former federal prosecutor told Congress. When asked how the president had responded to that statement, Mukasey admitted the topic hadn't come up. "We mostly talked about chocolate milk," he said. "The president prefers store bought to the home made kind."
During several hours of testimony, Mukasey said that as attorney general he would review the department's legal justifications for the president's national security policies -- including interrogation, detention and surveillance -- to make sure they are sound and "change them if they are not."
When asked what kind of a time line he would put on changing Bush policies if he felt they were illegal, Mukasey responded he wasn't sure but it would probably be "sometime in early '09."
"Restoring the Department of Justice begins by restoring integrity and independence to the position of attorney general," Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy said.
"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" Mukasey responded.
Under questioning, Mukasey said he would resign if he was unable to get Bush to drop any initiative that he might believe was unlawful. "I don't really see that happening though." he added. ""I mean come on, how many more laws can the president break?"
"We are party to a (international) treaty that outlaws torture," Mukasey said when asked about torture. "Torture is unlawful under the laws of this country. The president has said that in an executive order which his administration has consistently and comprehensively ignored and my job will be to cover their butts on that."
Mukasey said if confirmed, "Hiring is going to be based solely on competence and ability and dedication." When senator Leahy asked him how it was he thought he could get anyone with competence or ability to work for the most incompetent, unable administration in the history of the country, Mukasey replied "Red Skins season tickets."
In testifying to Congress, Mukasey underscored the need to balance civil liberties with national security. "And you have my word we'll get around to that soon," he added "Right after we finish implementing the warrantless wiretap program."
In nominating Mukasey, Bush sought to avoid a fight with the Democratic-led Congress and even join efforts to restore morale and public confidence at the Justice Department. "Yeah. The democrats fight hard," said an aide to the president. "Look, we could have nominated Sasquatch and eventually they wold have caved, but after a while, where's the challenge?"
U.S. attorney general nominee Michael Mukasey denounced torture and pledged to stand up to the White House in pursuit of justice if confirmed. At that point the hearings were paused so that Mukasey could stand up, take off his shoes and socks and spread his hands so senators could determine if his fingers or toes were crossed.
"Legal decisions and the progress of cases are decided by facts and law, not by interests and motives," the retired judge and former federal prosecutor told Congress. When asked how the president had responded to that statement, Mukasey admitted the topic hadn't come up. "We mostly talked about chocolate milk," he said. "The president prefers store bought to the home made kind."
During several hours of testimony, Mukasey said that as attorney general he would review the department's legal justifications for the president's national security policies -- including interrogation, detention and surveillance -- to make sure they are sound and "change them if they are not."
When asked what kind of a time line he would put on changing Bush policies if he felt they were illegal, Mukasey responded he wasn't sure but it would probably be "sometime in early '09."
"Restoring the Department of Justice begins by restoring integrity and independence to the position of attorney general," Committee Chairman Patrick Leahy said.
"I'm sorry, were you talking to me?" Mukasey responded.
Under questioning, Mukasey said he would resign if he was unable to get Bush to drop any initiative that he might believe was unlawful. "I don't really see that happening though." he added. ""I mean come on, how many more laws can the president break?"
"We are party to a (international) treaty that outlaws torture," Mukasey said when asked about torture. "Torture is unlawful under the laws of this country. The president has said that in an executive order which his administration has consistently and comprehensively ignored and my job will be to cover their butts on that."
Mukasey said if confirmed, "Hiring is going to be based solely on competence and ability and dedication." When senator Leahy asked him how it was he thought he could get anyone with competence or ability to work for the most incompetent, unable administration in the history of the country, Mukasey replied "Red Skins season tickets."
In testifying to Congress, Mukasey underscored the need to balance civil liberties with national security. "And you have my word we'll get around to that soon," he added "Right after we finish implementing the warrantless wiretap program."
In nominating Mukasey, Bush sought to avoid a fight with the Democratic-led Congress and even join efforts to restore morale and public confidence at the Justice Department. "Yeah. The democrats fight hard," said an aide to the president. "Look, we could have nominated Sasquatch and eventually they wold have caved, but after a while, where's the challenge?"
Monday, September 24, 2007
And Lately, Barney's Been Growling At Him Too
Jocularity, jocularity, all is jocularity. From our good friends south of the border (well, the few who are still south of the border that is) comes this little snippet of international insight into our dear leader, president Rambo McManlyman.
Seems the cowboy in chief is afraid of horses.
How can this be? You ask. After all, isn't our president a charter member of the Marlboro Man Club? Isn't he a ranch owner and aren't there animals on ranches, and aren't some of those animals horses?
The property reportedly has no horses and only five cattle.
Oh. Well, all righty then.
President Bush may like to be seen as a swaggering tough guy with a penchant for manly outdoor pursuits if you have the IQ of a strawberry, but in a new book one of his closest allies has said he is afraid of horses. Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, derided his political friend as a "windshield cowboy."
"Windshield cowboy," huh. Well, we suppose that's better than a Midnight Cowboy, right senator Craig?
Fox recalled a meeting in Mexico shortly after both men had been elected when he offered Mr Bush a ride on a "big palomino" horse. Mr Fox recalled Mr Bush "backing away" from the animal. "Well, if you call running down the road shouting 'Cover me! Cover me!' to his secret service guards backing away," Fox added.
''A horse lover can always tell when others don't share our passion," he said. "Also the pants wetting was a clue."
Mr Bush has spoken of his fondness for shooting doves on his Crawford ranch in Texas, which he bought in 1999.
Bush likes shooting doves. You don't really need us for this one do you? Didn't think so.
Mr Fox is the latest old friend go all truthy on Mr Bush as the US president faces a lonely final 18 months in office, derided for failures in Iraq and at home, and told by his wife there will be no more chocolate milk at lunch until he learns to pick up his toys. "I'm tried of getting up at night and stepping on those little plastic tanks," she told reporters.
Wait. The president has friends?
Donald Rumsfeld, his defense secretary until last November, asked recently if he missed the president, said flatly: "No."
OK, that's more like it.
Alan Greenspan has attacked the Bush administration's economic policy at length in a new hagiography, accusing the Republican president of having the economic acumen of cold pizza and betraying the party's basic principles of stiffing the working man. "Well, he sort of got the stiffing the working man part right," Greenspan said.
When asked why he didn't point this out to the president when he was Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Greenspan said that every time Cheney got wind that he was going to talk to the president "He'd invite me hunting. I got the message."
Asked for his reaction to criticism from former sycophants, the president replied: "My feelings are not hurt. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a phone call to my Mommie."
Seems the cowboy in chief is afraid of horses.
How can this be? You ask. After all, isn't our president a charter member of the Marlboro Man Club? Isn't he a ranch owner and aren't there animals on ranches, and aren't some of those animals horses?
The property reportedly has no horses and only five cattle.
Oh. Well, all righty then.
President Bush may like to be seen as a swaggering tough guy with a penchant for manly outdoor pursuits if you have the IQ of a strawberry, but in a new book one of his closest allies has said he is afraid of horses. Vicente Fox, the former president of Mexico, derided his political friend as a "windshield cowboy."
"Windshield cowboy," huh. Well, we suppose that's better than a Midnight Cowboy, right senator Craig?
Fox recalled a meeting in Mexico shortly after both men had been elected when he offered Mr Bush a ride on a "big palomino" horse. Mr Fox recalled Mr Bush "backing away" from the animal. "Well, if you call running down the road shouting 'Cover me! Cover me!' to his secret service guards backing away," Fox added.
''A horse lover can always tell when others don't share our passion," he said. "Also the pants wetting was a clue."
Mr Bush has spoken of his fondness for shooting doves on his Crawford ranch in Texas, which he bought in 1999.
Bush likes shooting doves. You don't really need us for this one do you? Didn't think so.
Mr Fox is the latest old friend go all truthy on Mr Bush as the US president faces a lonely final 18 months in office, derided for failures in Iraq and at home, and told by his wife there will be no more chocolate milk at lunch until he learns to pick up his toys. "I'm tried of getting up at night and stepping on those little plastic tanks," she told reporters.
Wait. The president has friends?
Donald Rumsfeld, his defense secretary until last November, asked recently if he missed the president, said flatly: "No."
OK, that's more like it.
Alan Greenspan has attacked the Bush administration's economic policy at length in a new hagiography, accusing the Republican president of having the economic acumen of cold pizza and betraying the party's basic principles of stiffing the working man. "Well, he sort of got the stiffing the working man part right," Greenspan said.
When asked why he didn't point this out to the president when he was Chairman of the Federal Reserve, Greenspan said that every time Cheney got wind that he was going to talk to the president "He'd invite me hunting. I got the message."
Asked for his reaction to criticism from former sycophants, the president replied: "My feelings are not hurt. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a phone call to my Mommie."
Thursday, July 12, 2007
In This Press Conference The Role Of The President Will Be Played By Arthur, The Talking Ficus
We don't think the president should be allowed to give a news conference in the middle of the day during the week unless he provides advanced warning enough for us to take the day off and select the proper drinking game format from the files. We take presidential news conferences seriously around the marbled halls.
Or, more specifically we take drinking our way through presidential news conferences seriously. OK, we take drinking seriously, which is why we were disappointed that we only got to read about the president's news conference with a glass of iced tea. See, the problem is, when you read this stuff sober, it gets in your head and if you forget yourself and actually try to make any sense of it. Well... But we serve you our reader(s) so, let's begin with the opening statement:
As president, my most solemn responsibility is to keep the American people safe. So I started a war and, on my orders, good men and women are now fighting everybody all over the place in Iraq. You know, I never really understood irony until I took this job.
I've given our troops in Iraq clear objectives. Not enough armored Humvees, vests and heck, not even enough soldiers, but objectives? I got that nailed.
Sometimes the debate over Iraq is cast as a disagreement between those who want to keep our troops in Iraq and those who want to bring our troops home, mostly because my administration has done everything in its power to cast it that way. I do love the either or stuff, makes being the decider much easier and leaves more time for vacations.
When we start drawing down our forces in Iraq, it will because I'm in Paraguay where there is no extradition...er...our military commanders (Who by then will be General Barney and Colonel Jenna) say the conditions on the ground are right, not because we need the troops for the war in Iran. Whoops, forget that.
The strategy I announced in January is whack, but who cares? I'm the president and there's nothing you can do about it.
Our top priority is to help the Iraqis protect their population while they still have some people left. We've launched an offensive in and around Baghdad to go after extremists, to buy more time for Iraqi forces to be infiltrated by the militias and to help normal life and civil society take root in communities and neighborhoods throughout the country. If by normal you mean a Mad Max movie.
Two months ago, in the supplemental appropriations bill funding our troops, Congress established 18 benchmarks to gauge the progress of the Iraqi government. Now I thought Benchmark was a bourbon, but Laura says it has something to do with whether we're winning the war or not. Like I know that stuff.
I know some in Washington would like us to start leaving Iraq now. And some outside of Washington, But I was elected by the people of the United States so I get to do what I want. The fight in Iraq is part of a broader struggle that I made up because Dick said we needed their oil. I like oil. Running an oil company was one of my favorite things that I failed at.
Nations throughout the Middle East have a stake in a stable Iraq. To protect our interests and show our commitment to our friends in the region...wait...who wrote that? We don't have any friends in the region. Dag! I gotta start reading these things ahead of time. Where was I?
We need to ensure that when U.S. forces do pull back, the terrorists and extremists cannot take control. Which means, very simply, when we leave most people will have to be dead.
And, now, I'd be glad to answer a few questions.
You read that part. We've got a few Benchmarks of our own to meet.
Or, more specifically we take drinking our way through presidential news conferences seriously. OK, we take drinking seriously, which is why we were disappointed that we only got to read about the president's news conference with a glass of iced tea. See, the problem is, when you read this stuff sober, it gets in your head and if you forget yourself and actually try to make any sense of it. Well... But we serve you our reader(s) so, let's begin with the opening statement:
As president, my most solemn responsibility is to keep the American people safe. So I started a war and, on my orders, good men and women are now fighting everybody all over the place in Iraq. You know, I never really understood irony until I took this job.
I've given our troops in Iraq clear objectives. Not enough armored Humvees, vests and heck, not even enough soldiers, but objectives? I got that nailed.
Sometimes the debate over Iraq is cast as a disagreement between those who want to keep our troops in Iraq and those who want to bring our troops home, mostly because my administration has done everything in its power to cast it that way. I do love the either or stuff, makes being the decider much easier and leaves more time for vacations.
When we start drawing down our forces in Iraq, it will because I'm in Paraguay where there is no extradition...er...our military commanders (Who by then will be General Barney and Colonel Jenna) say the conditions on the ground are right, not because we need the troops for the war in Iran. Whoops, forget that.
The strategy I announced in January is whack, but who cares? I'm the president and there's nothing you can do about it.
Our top priority is to help the Iraqis protect their population while they still have some people left. We've launched an offensive in and around Baghdad to go after extremists, to buy more time for Iraqi forces to be infiltrated by the militias and to help normal life and civil society take root in communities and neighborhoods throughout the country. If by normal you mean a Mad Max movie.
Two months ago, in the supplemental appropriations bill funding our troops, Congress established 18 benchmarks to gauge the progress of the Iraqi government. Now I thought Benchmark was a bourbon, but Laura says it has something to do with whether we're winning the war or not. Like I know that stuff.
I know some in Washington would like us to start leaving Iraq now. And some outside of Washington, But I was elected by the people of the United States so I get to do what I want. The fight in Iraq is part of a broader struggle that I made up because Dick said we needed their oil. I like oil. Running an oil company was one of my favorite things that I failed at.
Nations throughout the Middle East have a stake in a stable Iraq. To protect our interests and show our commitment to our friends in the region...wait...who wrote that? We don't have any friends in the region. Dag! I gotta start reading these things ahead of time. Where was I?
We need to ensure that when U.S. forces do pull back, the terrorists and extremists cannot take control. Which means, very simply, when we leave most people will have to be dead.
And, now, I'd be glad to answer a few questions.
You read that part. We've got a few Benchmarks of our own to meet.
Monday, May 07, 2007
If Bush Is Wrong, The Terrorists Win. Or Maybe It's The Democrats.
Ironicus Maximus is being brought to you today by the Tell Us Something We Don't Know Department. TUSWDK is a wholly owned subsidiary of the We've Heard It All Before Corporation and in partnership with The Inmates Are Running The Asylum Company.
After another bloody weekend for U.S. troops in Iraq the White House said Americans should brace for more U.S. casualties in the push for greater security in Baghdad. White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said the deaths were attributable to "people shooting at our troops and trying to blow them up. At least according to the intelligence we've been able to gather so far."
"We are getting to the point now with the Baghdad security plan where we have to go outside the green zone," Snowjob said. "Not that it seems to matter much anymore where we are."
"We've known that the surge creates a target rich environment for the insurgents, been saying it all along. But we've been fighting four years and now for some reason people are all 'What have we got to show for it' and 'How many more families have to be devastated by the loss of a loved one?'," Snowjob said. "Look, the president and first lady are suffering too. And what about the staff? You think it's easy keeping him in the dark about being the most hated man in America? We're all suffering over here."
Bush has vowed never to accept a withdrawal deadline "as long as my old unit doesn't get activated. Oh, what am I saying I probably wouldn't go anyway."
After another bloody weekend for U.S. troops in Iraq the White House said Americans should brace for more U.S. casualties in the push for greater security in Baghdad. White House spokesman Tony Snowjob said the deaths were attributable to "people shooting at our troops and trying to blow them up. At least according to the intelligence we've been able to gather so far."
"We are getting to the point now with the Baghdad security plan where we have to go outside the green zone," Snowjob said. "Not that it seems to matter much anymore where we are."
"We've known that the surge creates a target rich environment for the insurgents, been saying it all along. But we've been fighting four years and now for some reason people are all 'What have we got to show for it' and 'How many more families have to be devastated by the loss of a loved one?'," Snowjob said. "Look, the president and first lady are suffering too. And what about the staff? You think it's easy keeping him in the dark about being the most hated man in America? We're all suffering over here."
Bush has vowed never to accept a withdrawal deadline "as long as my old unit doesn't get activated. Oh, what am I saying I probably wouldn't go anyway."
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
A Foolish Consistency Is The Hobgoblin Of Little Minds...Right Mr. President?
You know, we've been thinking a lot about president Bush lately. To be honest we've also been thinking about Jolene Blalok, how much longer Paula Abdul can make a career out of not having a career, and the local liquor store's free delivery special. But back to the president.
President Bush's stance on a Democratic agreement to set a timetable on the Iraq war has not changed: he will not accept it. "Look, this guy hasn't changed his mind since he switched from Cuervo to Patrón that summer he was hiding from the Air National Guard in Alabama," said Deputy White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.
"If they insist on sending the bill to him in its current form, that has an arbitrary surrender date and handcuffs the generals, the president will veto it," Deputy Press Secretart Perino said. "The president will not surrender," she added. "Of course neither will he learn, grow, change, adapt, admit to mistakes, or take responsibility for anything, including that SBD he cut at the movie last night. Besides, is there anyone who could handcuff the generals better than he has? I don't think so."
As part of the president's push, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was expected to meet Tuesday with key senators, including members of the Senate Finance Committee to discuss the funding bill. Shortly after that announcement was made the Secretary's office issued a statement saying that her appearance had been canceled due to a sale at Bergdorffs.
A leading Republican, meanwhile, warned that Democratic leaders are making an all-too-familiar mistake with the impending showdown: not listening to seasoned commanders. Representative C.W. Bill Young, R - No Sense Of Irony, said catastrophe always follows when civilians turn a deaf ear to their military officers. Aides to the congressman tried unsuccessfully to explain why the room burst out into laughter at his remarks.
General David Petraeus, the new Iraq commander, will try to persuade lawmakers in a private briefing this week to pursue a difference course. He is expected to tell Congress to "Get us the H. E. double hockey sticks out of there."
"I will strongly reject an artificial timetable (for) withdrawal and/or Washington politicians trying to tell those who wear the uniform how to do their job," Bush told reporters in the Oval Office. Later Representative Young tried unsuccessfully to explain to Bush why the room burst into laughter at his remarks.
President Bush's stance on a Democratic agreement to set a timetable on the Iraq war has not changed: he will not accept it. "Look, this guy hasn't changed his mind since he switched from Cuervo to Patrón that summer he was hiding from the Air National Guard in Alabama," said Deputy White House Press Secretart Dana Perino.
"If they insist on sending the bill to him in its current form, that has an arbitrary surrender date and handcuffs the generals, the president will veto it," Deputy Press Secretart Perino said. "The president will not surrender," she added. "Of course neither will he learn, grow, change, adapt, admit to mistakes, or take responsibility for anything, including that SBD he cut at the movie last night. Besides, is there anyone who could handcuff the generals better than he has? I don't think so."
As part of the president's push, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice was expected to meet Tuesday with key senators, including members of the Senate Finance Committee to discuss the funding bill. Shortly after that announcement was made the Secretary's office issued a statement saying that her appearance had been canceled due to a sale at Bergdorffs.
A leading Republican, meanwhile, warned that Democratic leaders are making an all-too-familiar mistake with the impending showdown: not listening to seasoned commanders. Representative C.W. Bill Young, R - No Sense Of Irony, said catastrophe always follows when civilians turn a deaf ear to their military officers. Aides to the congressman tried unsuccessfully to explain why the room burst out into laughter at his remarks.
General David Petraeus, the new Iraq commander, will try to persuade lawmakers in a private briefing this week to pursue a difference course. He is expected to tell Congress to "Get us the H. E. double hockey sticks out of there."
"I will strongly reject an artificial timetable (for) withdrawal and/or Washington politicians trying to tell those who wear the uniform how to do their job," Bush told reporters in the Oval Office. Later Representative Young tried unsuccessfully to explain to Bush why the room burst into laughter at his remarks.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Wanted: Fall Guy. Must Be Highly Decorated, But Not Too Smart
Far be it from us to cast aspersions on our fellow citizens, particularly those who spend the better part of their day sober, but we have to say this seems to be, how shall we say, lacking in team spirit? We mean, sure it looks like a tough gig, but think of the rewards. Take George Tenet. Took the hit for WMD, got a Medal of Freedom. Colin Powell was the administration's sock puppet at the UN, got a...um...got a...OK bad example. Look, the president just needs a stand up guy that's all. Someone to stand up and take the blame.
The White House wants to appoint a high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with authority flail about at the Pentagon, the State Department and other agencies, but at least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have declined to be considered for the position. "I'm a soldier, not an idiot," said retired Army General Jack Keane. "I've led men into combat on three different continents. I know a suicide mission when I see one."
"Ever see those clown cars in the circus? Well, this one's looking for a driver, and I ain't into grease paint.," said retired Marine General John J. "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job.
The White House has not publicly disclosed its interest in creating the position, hoping to find someone who didn't burst out laughing the moment they were approached. "The new czar will have 'tasking authority,' or the power to issue directions, over other agencies," said Deputy White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "Not that that means anything as the agencies are about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine. We really just need someone in the spotlight. At least until the president gets to Paraguay.
The administration's interest in the idea stems from the long-standing failure of civilian and military efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan by different parts of the U.S. government. "We thought if we could consolidate all the incompetency under one head, that would be more efficient," Deputy Secretart Perino said.
The highest-ranking White House official responsible exclusively for the wars is deputy national security adviser Meghan O'Sullivan, who reports to national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley and does not have power to speak without being spoken to. O'Sullivan plans to escape soon, giving the White House the opportunity to rethink how it bungles the war effort. "You don't have to hit me with a bat," O'Sullivan said. "I can see what's coming, oh, and Condi, call me."
Kurt Campbell, a Clinton administration Pentagon official who heads the Center for a New American Security, said the difficulty in finding someone to take the job shows that Bush has exhausted his ability to get people to take the fall for him. "I mean, after Rummy, people began thinking, 'hey, I'll need to get a job somewhere when this bozo is out of office,'" Campbell said. "Even people in the Bush administration haven't lost their instinct for survival. That's located in a different part of the brain from the part you have to shut off to work for the guy in the first place."
The White House wants to appoint a high-powered czar to oversee the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan with authority flail about at the Pentagon, the State Department and other agencies, but at least three retired four-star generals approached by the White House in recent weeks have declined to be considered for the position. "I'm a soldier, not an idiot," said retired Army General Jack Keane. "I've led men into combat on three different continents. I know a suicide mission when I see one."
"Ever see those clown cars in the circus? Well, this one's looking for a driver, and I ain't into grease paint.," said retired Marine General John J. "Jack" Sheehan, a former top NATO commander who was among those rejecting the job.
The White House has not publicly disclosed its interest in creating the position, hoping to find someone who didn't burst out laughing the moment they were approached. "The new czar will have 'tasking authority,' or the power to issue directions, over other agencies," said Deputy White House Press Secretart Dana Perino. "Not that that means anything as the agencies are about as helpful as a screen door on a submarine. We really just need someone in the spotlight. At least until the president gets to Paraguay.
The administration's interest in the idea stems from the long-standing failure of civilian and military efforts in Iraq and Afghanistan by different parts of the U.S. government. "We thought if we could consolidate all the incompetency under one head, that would be more efficient," Deputy Secretart Perino said.
The highest-ranking White House official responsible exclusively for the wars is deputy national security adviser Meghan O'Sullivan, who reports to national security adviser Stephen J. Hadley and does not have power to speak without being spoken to. O'Sullivan plans to escape soon, giving the White House the opportunity to rethink how it bungles the war effort. "You don't have to hit me with a bat," O'Sullivan said. "I can see what's coming, oh, and Condi, call me."
Kurt Campbell, a Clinton administration Pentagon official who heads the Center for a New American Security, said the difficulty in finding someone to take the job shows that Bush has exhausted his ability to get people to take the fall for him. "I mean, after Rummy, people began thinking, 'hey, I'll need to get a job somewhere when this bozo is out of office,'" Campbell said. "Even people in the Bush administration haven't lost their instinct for survival. That's located in a different part of the brain from the part you have to shut off to work for the guy in the first place."
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Can We At Least Protect The Cartoon Network?
OK, so you think you're a member of the Reality Based Community, that your version of the actual world has some correspondence to said world. Sure? Feeling particularly connected today? All right, explain this actual (as in we are not making this up) headline:
Bush success vs. al Qaeda breeds long-term worries
Yeah. It threw us at first too. Bush and success in the same sentence? That's enough to rip the fabric of space time right there. But before you go fretting about alternative universes leaking into this one and having to deal with Bad Kirk, take a look at the rest of the article.
Bush's administration has crippled al Qaeda's ability to order take out from most Mediterranean Delis, but at a political and economic cost that could leave the country more vulnerable in years to come, experts say. "If the question is why al Qaeda hasn't carried out another 9/11 attack, the answer I think is why should they bother? We're destroying the country ourselves faster than they ever could," said a former senior U.S. intelligence official *cough* George Tenet *cough* who spoke on condition he be given two first class tickets to Belize.
Tighter U.S. airport security, greater scrutiny of people entering the United States, constant monitoring of citizens, suspension of habeas corpus, using the constitution as a place mat in the White House mess, have made it harder for extremists to want to put the effort into planning an attack, experts said. "They've pretty much gotten all they were asking for, including getting the Miss America TV contract canceled. Again," said the expert with the funny walk.
"Make no mistake about it, however, our enemy is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands," said Charles Allen, chief intelligence officer at the Department of Homeland Security. "There's still the Oprah Book Club. They hate that stuff."
"Look at al Qaeda's plans," said Michael Scheuer, who once led the CIA team devoted to finding al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden "They're very simply defined in two phrases: get Bush elected and keep rubber stamp republicans in control of Congress long enough for him to totally stink up the place . I'd argue America has been under attack successfully every day since January 2000 from that perspective. In fact, if you think about it, George Bush has done a better job at terrorizing this country than Osama ever could."
The Iraq war has been described by U.S. intelligence as both a cause celebre for new al Qaeda recruits and a militant training ground in explosives and urban guerrilla tactics. "Not to mention a giant sucking chest wound for us," Scheurer added.
U.S. intelligence believes that bin Laden and his second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahri, driven from Afghanistan when U.S.-led forces ended Taliban rule there in 2001, are now trying to reestablish operations in remote, semi-autonomous tribal areas in Pakistan. "That would be the Pakistan that's our ally in the war on terror," said Allen.
But IntelCenter chief executive Ben Venzke said the chance of an al Qaeda attack on U.S. soil has grown based on the militant network's increasing references to the American homeland in public messages. "Our leading thinking is that we are closer now to an attempt at a major attack in the United States than at any point since 9/11," Venzke said. "We just need to decide which civil right we need to give up to stop it."
Bush success vs. al Qaeda breeds long-term worries
Yeah. It threw us at first too. Bush and success in the same sentence? That's enough to rip the fabric of space time right there. But before you go fretting about alternative universes leaking into this one and having to deal with Bad Kirk, take a look at the rest of the article.
Bush's administration has crippled al Qaeda's ability to order take out from most Mediterranean Delis, but at a political and economic cost that could leave the country more vulnerable in years to come, experts say. "If the question is why al Qaeda hasn't carried out another 9/11 attack, the answer I think is why should they bother? We're destroying the country ourselves faster than they ever could," said a former senior U.S. intelligence official *cough* George Tenet *cough* who spoke on condition he be given two first class tickets to Belize.
Tighter U.S. airport security, greater scrutiny of people entering the United States, constant monitoring of citizens, suspension of habeas corpus, using the constitution as a place mat in the White House mess, have made it harder for extremists to want to put the effort into planning an attack, experts said. "They've pretty much gotten all they were asking for, including getting the Miss America TV contract canceled. Again," said the expert with the funny walk.
"Make no mistake about it, however, our enemy is unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands," said Charles Allen, chief intelligence officer at the Department of Homeland Security. "There's still the Oprah Book Club. They hate that stuff."
"Look at al Qaeda's plans," said Michael Scheuer, who once led the CIA team devoted to finding al Qaeda leader Osama bin Laden "They're very simply defined in two phrases: get Bush elected and keep rubber stamp republicans in control of Congress long enough for him to totally stink up the place . I'd argue America has been under attack successfully every day since January 2000 from that perspective. In fact, if you think about it, George Bush has done a better job at terrorizing this country than Osama ever could."
The Iraq war has been described by U.S. intelligence as both a cause celebre for new al Qaeda recruits and a militant training ground in explosives and urban guerrilla tactics. "Not to mention a giant sucking chest wound for us," Scheurer added.
U.S. intelligence believes that bin Laden and his second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahri, driven from Afghanistan when U.S.-led forces ended Taliban rule there in 2001, are now trying to reestablish operations in remote, semi-autonomous tribal areas in Pakistan. "That would be the Pakistan that's our ally in the war on terror," said Allen.
But IntelCenter chief executive Ben Venzke said the chance of an al Qaeda attack on U.S. soil has grown based on the militant network's increasing references to the American homeland in public messages. "Our leading thinking is that we are closer now to an attempt at a major attack in the United States than at any point since 9/11," Venzke said. "We just need to decide which civil right we need to give up to stop it."
Tuesday, March 06, 2007
Metaphors Be With You
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Your Name Is George? My Name Is George Too. What Are The Odds?
OK, first off we need to put an end to the rumor that president Bush spent the day sulking in his room because yesterday was president's day and he didn't get any presents. Not true. Laura got him a nice tie. Well, Laura's personal secretary got him a nice tie and gave it to the president's personal secretary, who then had it examined by homeland security. Anyway, long story short, a tie eventually got to the president after he got home from a hard day of presidentiating.
Bush linked the U.S.-led war on terrorism on Monday to the country's struggle for independence led by George Washington more than 200 hundred years ago. "It's just like Washington said before the battle of Gettysburg," Bush told reporters, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
Bush visited the snow-covered grounds where Washington lived and died and which today is a popular tourist attraction. "I come here today to pay my respects to the man who led this country through the great depression. Even though he himself was very depressed because he was a cripple," Bush said. "Today a lot of you are depressed, but not because you are crippled. Well, some of you are crippled, but I'll save that speech for veteran's day, heh, heh. Anybody want a nickname?"
Joined by his wife Laura, with a military honor guard wearing Revolutionary War uniforms standing at attention, Bush laid a wreath at the tomb of the first American president on the Presidents Day holiday to mark Washington's birth 275 years ago. "Who are the guys dressed up like fags," Bush was overhead to say. "Bet Dick could do some 'quail hunting' around here, heh heh."
Bush said Washington's Revolutionary War leadership inspired generations of Americans "to stand for freedom in their own time. Just as Washington charged up San Juan hill to defeat the Barbary Pirates, so to we today must stand up to the Pirates. Or maybe it's the Steelers. I'm not really a sports fan, although I did wreck a baseball team once."
"Today, we're fighting a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life from a bunch of guys living in caves. And as we work to advance the cause of Halliburton and KBR around the world, we remember that the father of our country fought so Dr. King could sit anywhere on the bus he wanted, regardless of what the king said. Well, the British king, not Dr. King. See, they were both kings, but our king wasn't royal, well, not that he wasn't a good man, just...I think I lost my point," Bush said.
The House of Representatives voted last week to oppose his troop buildup in a nonbinding resolution, while a similar measure in the Senate failed to advance due to opposition from Bush's Republican allies. "We had allies in World War II also," Bush said. "So this is like that war too. Who was president then? Was it dad?"
Bush linked the U.S.-led war on terrorism on Monday to the country's struggle for independence led by George Washington more than 200 hundred years ago. "It's just like Washington said before the battle of Gettysburg," Bush told reporters, "We have nothing to fear but fear itself."
Bush visited the snow-covered grounds where Washington lived and died and which today is a popular tourist attraction. "I come here today to pay my respects to the man who led this country through the great depression. Even though he himself was very depressed because he was a cripple," Bush said. "Today a lot of you are depressed, but not because you are crippled. Well, some of you are crippled, but I'll save that speech for veteran's day, heh, heh. Anybody want a nickname?"
Joined by his wife Laura, with a military honor guard wearing Revolutionary War uniforms standing at attention, Bush laid a wreath at the tomb of the first American president on the Presidents Day holiday to mark Washington's birth 275 years ago. "Who are the guys dressed up like fags," Bush was overhead to say. "Bet Dick could do some 'quail hunting' around here, heh heh."
Bush said Washington's Revolutionary War leadership inspired generations of Americans "to stand for freedom in their own time. Just as Washington charged up San Juan hill to defeat the Barbary Pirates, so to we today must stand up to the Pirates. Or maybe it's the Steelers. I'm not really a sports fan, although I did wreck a baseball team once."
"Today, we're fighting a new war to defend our liberty and our people and our way of life from a bunch of guys living in caves. And as we work to advance the cause of Halliburton and KBR around the world, we remember that the father of our country fought so Dr. King could sit anywhere on the bus he wanted, regardless of what the king said. Well, the British king, not Dr. King. See, they were both kings, but our king wasn't royal, well, not that he wasn't a good man, just...I think I lost my point," Bush said.
The House of Representatives voted last week to oppose his troop buildup in a nonbinding resolution, while a similar measure in the Senate failed to advance due to opposition from Bush's Republican allies. "We had allies in World War II also," Bush said. "So this is like that war too. Who was president then? Was it dad?"
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