Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What's That Sulfur Smell? Oh, Hello Mr. Vice President

Well, well, well, what's this? vice president Belial is off his meds and once again roaming the planet on diplomatic missions...or in search of virgin souls, we're not sure. We know this because we've seen birds drop from the sky for no reason, mothers turn on their children and packs of wild dogs gathering at the city limits.

vice president Dick Cheney said Iraq remains a dangerous place, a point underscored by a thunderous explosion that rattled windows in the U.S. Embassy where he had suddenly materialized after a brief, classified ceremony. "But only for those of you who are still alive," he added.

Cheney spoke less than an hour after an explosion could be heard in the U.S. Embassy where he spent most of the day. Windows rattled and reporters covering the vice president were briefly moved outside to a parking lot and asked to wave brightly colored flags and shout bring it on.

Said Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride: "His meeting was not disturbed and he was not moved, but he was sealed in his traveling sarcophagus until the all clear was sounded."

The vice president said Iraq's leaders seem to have a better sense now that they need to do more to reconcile sectarian and political differences. "See, before I came the daily killings, the continual bombings, the general chaos and destruction, well, those weren't clues. They're Arabs. What can I say?"Cheney said.

Asked about security in Baghdad, Cheney told reporters, "You'll have to ask my staff because I'm basically delusional and only listen to the voices in my head." But he said based on conversations he had throughout the day, Iraqi leaders felt that sectarian violence was "down fairly dramatically. Unless you go outside."

"I think everybody recognizes there still are some security problems, security threats, no question about it," Cheney said. "But, heck, they're no worse than what shoppers face at an Indiana farmer's market back in the USA."

In Washington, White House counselor Dan Bartlett said Bush wanted Cheney to travel to Baghdad to press upon Iraqi leaders the need to quickly pursue reconciliation measures and meet the irrational and totally arbitrary benchmarks set by Washington. "This gives an opportunity at a very high level for this message to be delivered," Bartlett said. "Plus when Cheney's out of town Bush gets to play with his trains without getting yelled at."

Cheney met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki. The prime minister said they discussed "practical steps ... to support our efforts working on both the security front as well as the domestic political issues. Although on second thought, the fact that your vice president is going to jail after the 2008 elections doesn't seem to be that big of a problem for me. Is that what you American's call a timetable?"

"I do sense today that there is a greater awareness on the part of these Iraqi officials I talked to of the importance of their working together to resolve these issues in a timely fashion," Cheney said as he packed his shotgun back into its carrying case.

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