Oh, look everybody, the democrats are in Denver for a steel cage death match between Obama and Hillary.
At a restaurant on the outskirts of Denver, some 60 women gathered at a PUMA PAC-sponsored screening of a documentary called “The Audacity of Democracy.” In interviews beforehand, many said they would defy Clinton’s calls for party unity. "So what if the country is going to hell in a handbasket," said one attendee. "This is about us!"
Oh yeah baby, it's on now. Obama's going to be out at Mile High Stadium speaking to tens of thousand of supporters and Hillary's got...um...er...hmmm...well, 60 old ladies. OK this isn't shaping up the way we'd imagined. What else is going on?
In a modern production studio about a mile from where the Democrats were opening their convention, a SWAT team of Republican operatives dispatched to crash Senator Barack Obama’s party was reveling in its accomplishments.
Two new advertisements devised to stoke the sore feelings of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton’s devotees were widely covered online and on cable news channels; a news conference the Republicans produced with former Clinton supporters who said they were now backing Senator John McCain drew a standing-room-only crowd of reporters.
Guys. With 437,000 reporters in town, most of whole have already shot their wads with stories about how many seats the Pepsi Center has, or why Denver is called the "Mile High" city, you could probably attract a standing room only crowd if you staged a reading of My Pet Goat.
Besides, is this such a good idea? We mean, the whole republican strategy for this year is to try and get voters to forget their candidates are republicans. In fact, the idea is for all of us to forget there's a republican party all together.
Oregon Republican Senator Gordon Smith is touting his link to a presidential candidate in his latest campaign ad for his re-election bid against Democrat Jeff Merkley, but it’s not John McCain. Rather, Smith is touting his ties to Barack Obama. "I had a drinking problem,"Smith told reporters when asked if he still consdiered himself a republican. "But Senator Obama helped me get sober."
The 2000 republican platform referenced George W. Bush over 40 times.The 2004 platform referenced him over 200 times The 2008 draft platform references Bush zero times. It references John McCain zero times. "We're hoping that by November we can convince people that McCain is a candidate of the Maverick party and his real name is POW," said one republican official who asked not be be named because his children might find out what he did for a living.
Hmmm...looks like those 60 ladies at the restaurant may be the only votes the republicans can count on this year.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
On The Bright Side, We Can't Decide Between Britney And Paris Either
We're coming to you today from the None of the Above Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. NotA is a wholly owned subsidy of the Is This the Best You Can Do? Company in partnership with Rock, Hard Place, Inc.
Shorter version: Things look good for Ralph Nader and Bob Barr.
US voters have serious misgivings about both US presidential candidates -- Darkocrat Barack Obama and Repeatican John McCain -- faulting the former for lack of whiteness and the latter for close ties to Alzheimer's Disease, according to a new opinion poll which will be valid until the next opinion poll, about a minute and a half.
Half of those surveyed worry Obama "may be too closely aligned with people who hold high levels of melanin," and 57 percent said they were concerned he might chose R Kelly for Secretary of Education, USA Today said. When asked why their survey totalled 107% officials from USA Today admitted they counted people who used "multiple underlines, more than one exclamation point, smiley and frowny faces, or wrote ZOMG!! in the margins" twice.
On the other hand, four in 10 said they are worried McCain, who turns 172 next Friday, is too incontinent for the presidency, and 67 percent said they're concerned he'll pardon Bush after his conviction.
According to the poll, the electorate remain fairly fluid. Three out of 10 of those polled said they might change their minds between about moving to Belize between now and November 4.
Shorter version: Things look good for Ralph Nader and Bob Barr.
US voters have serious misgivings about both US presidential candidates -- Darkocrat Barack Obama and Repeatican John McCain -- faulting the former for lack of whiteness and the latter for close ties to Alzheimer's Disease, according to a new opinion poll which will be valid until the next opinion poll, about a minute and a half.
Half of those surveyed worry Obama "may be too closely aligned with people who hold high levels of melanin," and 57 percent said they were concerned he might chose R Kelly for Secretary of Education, USA Today said. When asked why their survey totalled 107% officials from USA Today admitted they counted people who used "multiple underlines, more than one exclamation point, smiley and frowny faces, or wrote ZOMG!! in the margins" twice.
On the other hand, four in 10 said they are worried McCain, who turns 172 next Friday, is too incontinent for the presidency, and 67 percent said they're concerned he'll pardon Bush after his conviction.
According to the poll, the electorate remain fairly fluid. Three out of 10 of those polled said they might change their minds between about moving to Belize between now and November 4.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
In the great pantheon of overlords there is one to whom even the overlords look whenever a wrong needs to be made right, whenever injustice rears its Hydra-like head, whenever they need someone who can spell.
That someone is Gary Guccione whom regular readers of this blog have had the privilege of meeting before. Now for those of you who may have stumbled on this blog after entering "cleavage" in your search engine, Mr. Guccione is the Communications Coordinator of the American Greyhound Exploitation Council which means, not only can he type, but he owns his own dictionary!
Mr. G is the industry's go to guy whenever anyone in the general citizenry has the temerity to imply that just because his industry leeches its meager existence off the backs of innocent animals they destroys or otherwise discards those animals like yesterday's newspaper when they can no longer win the puny purses created by the two dollar bets of under-educated social security recipients, it is not the canine equivalent of the cush job of getting paid not to think or ask questions, and to keep repeating the same old discredited talking points over and over as if you really believed them yourself.
Which is pretty much Guccione's job description.
Anyway, the latest intrusion of reality into overlord world has prompted a sniffy post from Mr. Guccione to the Livingston Daily which had the unmitigated gall to run a story about some folks who rescue racing greyhounds.
Spanky is a quick learner and eager to please. He is a happy, outgoing, and friendly dog. He is playful and calms easily. His trainers believe he will make a great house pet. He loves to play in the snow. He’s a happy dog whose tail wags often. He’s very friendly. He wants to be with you but he’s not clingy. He loves to run and play. He loves to go in the granddaughter’s bedrooms and wake them up with kisses in the morning. He will roll over and want his tummy scratched. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Spanky would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.
That someone is Gary Guccione whom regular readers of this blog have had the privilege of meeting before. Now for those of you who may have stumbled on this blog after entering "cleavage" in your search engine, Mr. Guccione is the Communications Coordinator of the American Greyhound Exploitation Council which means, not only can he type, but he owns his own dictionary!
Mr. G is the industry's go to guy whenever anyone in the general citizenry has the temerity to imply that just because his industry leeches its meager existence off the backs of innocent animals they destroys or otherwise discards those animals like yesterday's newspaper when they can no longer win the puny purses created by the two dollar bets of under-educated social security recipients, it is not the canine equivalent of the cush job of getting paid not to think or ask questions, and to keep repeating the same old discredited talking points over and over as if you really believed them yourself.
Which is pretty much Guccione's job description.
Anyway, the latest intrusion of reality into overlord world has prompted a sniffy post from Mr. Guccione to the Livingston Daily which had the unmitigated gall to run a story about some folks who rescue racing greyhounds.
We always welcome coverage of greyhound adoption, but we are disappointed to see misinformation like that contained in your Aug. 19 story about a local couple that adopted a retired greyhound ("Couple putting dogs on track to happiness.")And by "misinformation" we mean stuff we don't want people with even the tiniest scrap of humanity to know about.
Common sense tells us that greyhounds must receive the best care and treatment in order to perform at their peak. Their crates must be large enough for them to sit, stand, turn around and lie down comfortably. Their diet must be nutritious and satisfying. They must be turned out for fresh air and exercise periodically throughout the day.Right. Common sense does tell us that, which makes it even more strange when it doesn't happen.
Whether on the farm or at the track, kennel operators are expected to comply with these standards.Of course we also expect them to be able to tie their own shoes, but that hasn't turned out so well either.
The best proof of the good care that greyhounds receive is the dogs themselves.Yeah. That's something we can all agree on, right Spanky?
Spanky is a quick learner and eager to please. He is a happy, outgoing, and friendly dog. He is playful and calms easily. His trainers believe he will make a great house pet. He loves to play in the snow. He’s a happy dog whose tail wags often. He’s very friendly. He wants to be with you but he’s not clingy. He loves to run and play. He loves to go in the granddaughter’s bedrooms and wake them up with kisses in the morning. He will roll over and want his tummy scratched. He is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Spanky would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
Now Can I Have A Legacy?
We're coming to you from the Toby Keith wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. We're down here to collect some patriotic accouterments to send off to Senator Barak HUSSEIN Osamabama. See, we're just a little tired of this defeatocrat trying to lose the Iraq war for us just so he can get elected, so we've decided to help him become a patriotic American by plastering himself and his car with Uncle Sam swag. Let's see, we've got laminated copies of the Pledge of Allegiance complete with the phrase "Under God" thankyouverymuch, Support the Troops car magnets in several different styles, a wallet size copy of the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner with the second verse, (yeah, there is one and it doesn't go Dododo Do Do Do Da Dada Da DaDaDa) and American Flag lapel pins. Oops. Forget those.
We figure if we can get Osamabama to ramp up his patriotism, sort of like this guy, then he'll quit talking about ending the war in Iraq, or at least quit talking about timetables, which as we all know, is a sure way to guarantee another attack right in our own living rooms, probably during the finals of American Idol. We mean come on, president Bush may have trouble speaking without biting his own tongue, but there is one thing he's made clear: No timetables.
U.S. and Iraqi negotiators reached agreement on a security deal that calls for American military forces to leave Iraq's cities by next summer as a prelude to a full withdrawal of combat troops from the country, according to senior American officials.
Right. See if only Osamabama had Bush's strength of character and leadership qualities to stay the course in Iraq we wouldn't need to be talking about cutting and running and we'd be all like 100 years in Iraq? Semper Fi Motherf...wait. What?
The draft agreement sets 2011 as the goal date by which U.S. combat troops will leave Iraq, according to Iraqi Deputy Foreign Minister Mohammed al-Haj Humood and other people familiar with the matter.
Oh. Whew! You had us worried there for a minute. The Iraqis are talking about a withdrawal timetable. Pfffft. Who listens to them?
Senior officials in Washington said the talks have concluded. "The talking is done," one U.S. official said. "Now the decision makers choose whether to give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down."
OK, still not worried. Every time president Bush tries to do a thumbs up he pokes himself in the eye.
President George W. Bush is almost certain to accept the agreement, according to U.S. officials and Pentagon aides have already been dispatched to the White house with the presidential goggles.
Rats. Wait, this could work. Osamabama's been campaigning on ending the war, so if Bush ends the war, Osamabama won't have anything to campaign on and McCain will get elected. Then he can start a new war with Iran which is what Bush wanted all along. (You're off by one key on the typewriter and the next thing you know you're blowing up the wrong country. Dang temps!)
The situation is more complicated in Iraq. The draft agreement must be approved by several layers of Iraqi political leaders. Several members of Mr. Maliki's cabinet have voiced opposition to elements of the deal and as a result were allowed to see their relatives in US custody.
The security deal came together after the Bush administration bailed on several long-held positions. The White House abandoned its stance over a pullout date after it became clear that there were no WMD's in the country. "It's mission accomplished for us," said one Pentagon aide. "So we're ready to head home. And by 'home' I mean Afghanistan."
General David Petraeus, the top American commander here, said in an interview that the U.S. already was focusing on turning control of the country over to Iraqis. "We have to let go, and we're not reluctant to do that. And the Iraqis are not reluctant to take control," General Petraeus said. "Maliki told me he thought the Iraqi government should be in control of Iraq, and I'm all like, 'Dude, why didn't you just say so.'"
But the general added that no one is "giving each other high-fives." Although extremist groups such as al Qaeda in Iraq and rogue Shiite militias have been weakened, he said, they could gain strength again. "We managed to blow up most of the country and kill thousands of innocent people, but we didn't get the guys we came here after. Well, take the wheat with the chaff, know what I mean?"
We figure if we can get Osamabama to ramp up his patriotism, sort of like this guy, then he'll quit talking about ending the war in Iraq, or at least quit talking about timetables, which as we all know, is a sure way to guarantee another attack right in our own living rooms, probably during the finals of American Idol. We mean come on, president Bush may have trouble speaking without biting his own tongue, but there is one thing he's made clear: No timetables.
U.S. and Iraqi negotiators reached agreement on a security deal that calls for American military forces to leave Iraq's cities by next summer as a prelude to a full withdrawal of combat troops from the country, according to senior American officials.
Right. See if only Osamabama had Bush's strength of character and leadership qualities to stay the course in Iraq we wouldn't need to be talking about cutting and running and we'd be all like 100 years in Iraq? Semper Fi Motherf...wait. What?
The draft agreement sets 2011 as the goal date by which U.S. combat troops will leave Iraq, according to Iraqi Deputy Foreign Minister Mohammed al-Haj Humood and other people familiar with the matter.
Oh. Whew! You had us worried there for a minute. The Iraqis are talking about a withdrawal timetable. Pfffft. Who listens to them?
Senior officials in Washington said the talks have concluded. "The talking is done," one U.S. official said. "Now the decision makers choose whether to give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down."
OK, still not worried. Every time president Bush tries to do a thumbs up he pokes himself in the eye.
President George W. Bush is almost certain to accept the agreement, according to U.S. officials and Pentagon aides have already been dispatched to the White house with the presidential goggles.
Rats. Wait, this could work. Osamabama's been campaigning on ending the war, so if Bush ends the war, Osamabama won't have anything to campaign on and McCain will get elected. Then he can start a new war with Iran which is what Bush wanted all along. (You're off by one key on the typewriter and the next thing you know you're blowing up the wrong country. Dang temps!)
The situation is more complicated in Iraq. The draft agreement must be approved by several layers of Iraqi political leaders. Several members of Mr. Maliki's cabinet have voiced opposition to elements of the deal and as a result were allowed to see their relatives in US custody.
The security deal came together after the Bush administration bailed on several long-held positions. The White House abandoned its stance over a pullout date after it became clear that there were no WMD's in the country. "It's mission accomplished for us," said one Pentagon aide. "So we're ready to head home. And by 'home' I mean Afghanistan."
General David Petraeus, the top American commander here, said in an interview that the U.S. already was focusing on turning control of the country over to Iraqis. "We have to let go, and we're not reluctant to do that. And the Iraqis are not reluctant to take control," General Petraeus said. "Maliki told me he thought the Iraqi government should be in control of Iraq, and I'm all like, 'Dude, why didn't you just say so.'"
But the general added that no one is "giving each other high-fives." Although extremist groups such as al Qaeda in Iraq and rogue Shiite militias have been weakened, he said, they could gain strength again. "We managed to blow up most of the country and kill thousands of innocent people, but we didn't get the guys we came here after. Well, take the wheat with the chaff, know what I mean?"
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Well, Imitation Is The Sincerest Form Of Flattery
Hey, Condoleezza Rice is still Secretary of State. Who knew? We thought she took that job with Bergdorfs. But whatever, this is great for us, right. Right? See because her expertise is on Russia and now that those pesky Ruskies are kicking up a snit over there in Georgia she can make up for all those bad calls on Iraq and Afghanistan (who understand Arabs anyway?) OK madame Secretary, put that expensive education to use.
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Russia it was isolating itself from the international community with its behaviour in Georgia. "And if there's anyone who knows about isolation, it's us," she added. "I mean look at the coalition of the willing. Who's left? Burkina Faso? Yeah. They're a game changer."
"When you start invading smaller neighbours, bombing civilian infrastructure, going into villages and wreaking havoc and (carrying out) the wanton destruction of (its) infrastructure, that is isolating. At that point irony detectors installed in the meeting room activated and the press conference had to be delayed until Homeland Security officials determined that no writers for the Daily Show were present in the building.
Rice said the ministers wanted to demonstrate in their strongly worded statement that NATO was pretty much impotent (and not in a good way) so Russia could dictate the terms of when former Soviet states such as Georgia and Ukraine could join the Alliance. "But expect not to be invited to all the cool parties," Rice added.
"This is a very clear statement that NATO, having come so far after the end of the Cold War and the collapse of the Soviet Union... is not going to permit a new line to be drawn in Europe," Rice said. "There will absolutely be no new line, NATO does not accept that there is a new line and we are not acting as if there is a new line," she said. "But if there was a new line, it would probably be somewhere to the west of Georgia and Ukraine. Just saying."
When told of the statement issued by NATO and Secretary Rice's news conference, Vitaly Churkin, Representative of the Russian Federation at the UN said, "безотносительно."
US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Russia it was isolating itself from the international community with its behaviour in Georgia. "And if there's anyone who knows about isolation, it's us," she added. "I mean look at the coalition of the willing. Who's left? Burkina Faso? Yeah. They're a game changer."
"When you start invading smaller neighbours, bombing civilian infrastructure, going into villages and wreaking havoc and (carrying out) the wanton destruction of (its) infrastructure, that is isolating. At that point irony detectors installed in the meeting room activated and the press conference had to be delayed until Homeland Security officials determined that no writers for the Daily Show were present in the building.
Rice said the ministers wanted to demonstrate in their strongly worded statement that NATO was pretty much impotent (and not in a good way) so Russia could dictate the terms of when former Soviet states such as Georgia and Ukraine could join the Alliance. "But expect not to be invited to all the cool parties," Rice added.
"This is a very clear statement that NATO, having come so far after the end of the Cold War and the collapse of the Soviet Union... is not going to permit a new line to be drawn in Europe," Rice said. "There will absolutely be no new line, NATO does not accept that there is a new line and we are not acting as if there is a new line," she said. "But if there was a new line, it would probably be somewhere to the west of Georgia and Ukraine. Just saying."
When told of the statement issued by NATO and Secretary Rice's news conference, Vitaly Churkin, Representative of the Russian Federation at the UN said, "безотносительно."
Monday, August 18, 2008
Barak Obama Nude!!*
You know, we really need to get Paris and Britney some help because when they're not out getting arrested or forgetting their underwear, our poor media doesn't know what to do with itself and we get stuff like this.
Look out, ladies. Barack Obama has taken his shirt off in public again. The 47-year-old senator from Illinois, who created a minor sensation with a shirtless photo on his last trip to Hawaii, stripped down to his trunks on Thursday for an impromptu body surfing excursion.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, Obama does not swim while fully clothed and if you thought glancing at Hillary's cleavage put the media on the ceiling for a week, well, you just ain't seen nothing yet.
People magazine published a photo of the buff-looking senator emerging from the ocean in January 2007 on a page with other Hollywood stars.
See, we had to put in that part about being on the same page as other Hollywood stars so you wouldn't forget Obama's a celebrity. It's easier than trying to explain his energy strategy, or his economic positions.
*From the waist up
Look out, ladies. Barack Obama has taken his shirt off in public again. The 47-year-old senator from Illinois, who created a minor sensation with a shirtless photo on his last trip to Hawaii, stripped down to his trunks on Thursday for an impromptu body surfing excursion.
Yes ladies and gentlemen, Obama does not swim while fully clothed and if you thought glancing at Hillary's cleavage put the media on the ceiling for a week, well, you just ain't seen nothing yet.
People magazine published a photo of the buff-looking senator emerging from the ocean in January 2007 on a page with other Hollywood stars.
See, we had to put in that part about being on the same page as other Hollywood stars so you wouldn't forget Obama's a celebrity. It's easier than trying to explain his energy strategy, or his economic positions.
*From the waist up
Friday, August 15, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!' He chortled in his joy. He being one of the overlords. And why is he Calloohing and Callaying you ask. Well, because the state has decided to build two new greyhound tracks!
West Virginia House Bill 213 was signed recently by Governor Joe Manchin during the Legislature's June interim session.The legislation provides up to $2 million in funding to construct two greyhound training tracks in the state with money from the West Virginia Greyhound Breeding Development Fund and purse supplemental funds.
W00t!!1!!! Two more chances to separate senior citizens for their social security two dollars at a time. Who says you can't make a living off other people's weaknesses, huh Mr. Miner?
Greyhound breeder Dean Miner opposes the construction of two greyhound training tracks in the state.
Darn straight! Why in just a few months you'll be raking in the rubes' rent money like it was...wait. What did you say?
"They want to use our breeders' fund money to build these tracks, but no one even wants them," Miner said.
What are you, from Massachusetts or something?
Miner said the tracks will make it more difficult for him and his fellow breeders to do business in the state."We cannot properly train our dogs in West Virginia because of the environment. We need to take them to Kansas or Oklahoma to train them because there is flat land and clean air there."
Um...if there's no flat land, where they gonna build the tracks?
Delegate Jack Yost, D-Brooke, also supports the training tracks. "The bill does not provide where the tracks will be built, but I would think they would be built somewhere near the two greyhound tracks," he said in reference to Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack and Tri-State Racetrack and Gaming Center in Cross Lanes. "That way people will have two more conveniently located tracks not to go to."
That's the smartest thing he's said all day, Miner told reporters.
We're still trying to figure out that flat land, clean air thing. You got any ideas Bugsy?
Bugsy is friendly, lively, sweet, and affectionate. She likes to be near her family and will whine if they are not very close by. She chatters a lot with her teeth. She plays with toys. She loves to be outside. Bugsy would do best with someone who wants a playful active dog. A home with someone who will play fetch or anyone who wants to spend time with playful dog games to keep her from getting board. She would do well with another large-breed dog or as an only dog. She needs to be exercised regularly to keep strength in her hind end. She would be best with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
West Virginia House Bill 213 was signed recently by Governor Joe Manchin during the Legislature's June interim session.The legislation provides up to $2 million in funding to construct two greyhound training tracks in the state with money from the West Virginia Greyhound Breeding Development Fund and purse supplemental funds.
W00t!!1!!! Two more chances to separate senior citizens for their social security two dollars at a time. Who says you can't make a living off other people's weaknesses, huh Mr. Miner?
Greyhound breeder Dean Miner opposes the construction of two greyhound training tracks in the state.
Darn straight! Why in just a few months you'll be raking in the rubes' rent money like it was...wait. What did you say?
"They want to use our breeders' fund money to build these tracks, but no one even wants them," Miner said.
What are you, from Massachusetts or something?
Miner said the tracks will make it more difficult for him and his fellow breeders to do business in the state."We cannot properly train our dogs in West Virginia because of the environment. We need to take them to Kansas or Oklahoma to train them because there is flat land and clean air there."
Um...if there's no flat land, where they gonna build the tracks?
Delegate Jack Yost, D-Brooke, also supports the training tracks. "The bill does not provide where the tracks will be built, but I would think they would be built somewhere near the two greyhound tracks," he said in reference to Wheeling Island Hotel-Casino-Racetrack and Tri-State Racetrack and Gaming Center in Cross Lanes. "That way people will have two more conveniently located tracks not to go to."
That's the smartest thing he's said all day, Miner told reporters.
We're still trying to figure out that flat land, clean air thing. You got any ideas Bugsy?
Bugsy is friendly, lively, sweet, and affectionate. She likes to be near her family and will whine if they are not very close by. She chatters a lot with her teeth. She plays with toys. She loves to be outside. Bugsy would do best with someone who wants a playful active dog. A home with someone who will play fetch or anyone who wants to spend time with playful dog games to keep her from getting board. She would do well with another large-breed dog or as an only dog. She needs to be exercised regularly to keep strength in her hind end. She would be best with well-mannered older children, 12 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Alexander Haig Call Your Office*
Well, who says the presidency isn't a 24/7 job. Even though Bush is trying to enjoy a little down time at the Olympics, world events have conspired to harsh his fanny slapping mellow. Have no fear though, the president is a multi-tasker and responding to crises while burnishing occupied bikini bottoms is well within his purview.
The president quickly dispatched a high level delegation to the war torn region. "The situation in Georgia remains fluid and dangerous. As soon as possible my colleagues senators Lieberman and Graham will be traveling to Georgia. They're both members of the Senate Armed Services Committee. I hope that other members of the Armed Services Committee in the Senate will go together," the president said.
Wait. Just a moment. Now we're being told that wasn't the president but instead was senator John McCain.
Jeez John, don't you think you're being a bit...um...presumptuous?
McCain accuses Obama of being presumptuous in his speeches, but them McCain goes ahead and actually injects himself into a real crises situation like he was already in charge or something. Oh man, is the main stream media ever going to jump on this.
Well, right after they figure out whether Hawaii is a state or not.
*I'm in control here
The president quickly dispatched a high level delegation to the war torn region. "The situation in Georgia remains fluid and dangerous. As soon as possible my colleagues senators Lieberman and Graham will be traveling to Georgia. They're both members of the Senate Armed Services Committee. I hope that other members of the Armed Services Committee in the Senate will go together," the president said.
Wait. Just a moment. Now we're being told that wasn't the president but instead was senator John McCain.
Jeez John, don't you think you're being a bit...um...presumptuous?
McCain accuses Obama of being presumptuous in his speeches, but them McCain goes ahead and actually injects himself into a real crises situation like he was already in charge or something. Oh man, is the main stream media ever going to jump on this.
Well, right after they figure out whether Hawaii is a state or not.
*I'm in control here
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
In Which We Get To Put Six Years Of Catechism Class To Use
In an effort to derail energy and global warming initiatives and ensure the apocalypse, republicans have been doing their level best to impugn efforts by rational people to provide some sort of habitable environment for our grandchildren.
One of the higher decibel voices in this ultra-crepidarian chorus of nihilarians, cumber-grounds and clavuses is Michelle Bachmann, poster girl for the heartbreak of unmedicated bablatrices. We've peaked into her particular corner of the whackaloon universe before. As we recall it was sort of like trying to engage in a conversation about the Baysian roots of epistemology with Homer Simpson. In Esperanto.
But don't just take our word for it.
Apparently Ms. Bachmann recently took it upon herself to regale the more rational citizens in her district with the depth of her theological and scientific knowledge when she opined that "We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet -- we didn't need Nancy Pelosi to do that."
OK, here's where we get to prove we were actually listening that day in catechism class rather than fantasizing about Elizabeth Arden's...uh...secondary sex characteristics. Man, if you'd seen those sweaters...and even better, she had this one white blouse that...Oh, sorry. Where were we? Is it hot in here?
Oh yeah, Jesus. See, Christ didn't come to save the planet, he came to save the people on the planet. In fact, in a demonstration we are sure will impress frequent reader(s) of this blog who are still not institutionalized we will go one step farther with this:
Psalms 104:10-18
See, Congresswoman Bonkozoid, we're just renters here, and if you want your damage deposit back, well, let's just say the landlord is going to expect that you take a bit better care of the place, capice?
PS: Oh, and that "wild ass" thing. Yeah, we're looking at you.
One of the higher decibel voices in this ultra-crepidarian chorus of nihilarians, cumber-grounds and clavuses is Michelle Bachmann, poster girl for the heartbreak of unmedicated bablatrices. We've peaked into her particular corner of the whackaloon universe before. As we recall it was sort of like trying to engage in a conversation about the Baysian roots of epistemology with Homer Simpson. In Esperanto.
But don't just take our word for it.
Apparently Ms. Bachmann recently took it upon herself to regale the more rational citizens in her district with the depth of her theological and scientific knowledge when she opined that "We all know that someone did that over 2,000 years ago, they saved the planet -- we didn't need Nancy Pelosi to do that."
OK, here's where we get to prove we were actually listening that day in catechism class rather than fantasizing about Elizabeth Arden's...uh...secondary sex characteristics. Man, if you'd seen those sweaters...and even better, she had this one white blouse that...Oh, sorry. Where were we? Is it hot in here?
Oh yeah, Jesus. See, Christ didn't come to save the planet, he came to save the people on the planet. In fact, in a demonstration we are sure will impress frequent reader(s) of this blog who are still not institutionalized we will go one step farther with this:
"He sendeth the springs into the valleys, which run among the hills. They give drink to every beast of the field: the wild asses quench their thirst.
By them the fowl of the heavens have their habitation, which sing among the branches. He watereth the hills from his chambers: the earth is satisfied with the fruit of thy works.
He causeth the grass to grow for the cattle and herb for the service of man: that he may bring forth food out of the earth; and wine that maketh glad the heart of man, and oil to make his face to shine and bread which strehgtheneth man's heart.
The trees of the Lord are full of sap; the cedars of Lebanon, which he hath planted; where the birds make their nests: as for the stork, the fir trees are her house. The high hills are a refuge for the wild goats; and the rocks for the badgers."
Psalms 104:10-18
See, Congresswoman Bonkozoid, we're just renters here, and if you want your damage deposit back, well, let's just say the landlord is going to expect that you take a bit better care of the place, capice?
PS: Oh, and that "wild ass" thing. Yeah, we're looking at you.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
In His Memoirs He'll Tell Us What Color The Skies Are On His Planet
You know, sometimes we envy the president. We mean, it usually takes us more than a few adult beverages before we reach the stage where reality becomes a malleable commodity, but yesterday here's what Bush said regarding Russia's invasion of Georgia (no, not that Georgia, this Georgia):
Now, we know what you're thinking, the guy's schizoid or something, but that can't be because schizoids have multiple personalities, and if there's one thing we've learned about the president, he's always the same. Also clueless, incompetent, illegal and lacking in the qualities that produce effective leadership like say umm...er...we don't know, a conscience? Or is that conscious? We'll get back to you.
So you say, well, Iraq didn't have a democratic government elected by its people and it's not a neighboring state to us, so technically it's not the same. This is true, but somehow Bush doesn't impress us as a man capable of such fine intellectual distinctions.
Is he a robot, merely programmed to evaluate the moral and the immoral then choose the latter, like some sort of soulless automaton bereft of even the slightest glimmer of humanity?
Wait. That's Cheney.
Perhaps he's simply the anti-Forrest Gump, who, instead of blinking his way through history at its most brilliant, haplessly caroms from calamity to disaster.
Blast! We'll never know. The man is a moron wrapped in an idiot. It seems we must leave it for the ages to ponder how anyone could be that stupid and how 62,040,210 people couldn't recognize it.
"Russia has invaded a sovereign neighboring state and threatens a democratic government elected by its people. Such an action is unacceptable in the 21st century."Sweet and tasty Jebuss wafers on a sesame seed bun, how does he do stuff like that without his head exploding? Forget that. How can we do stuff like that?
Now, we know what you're thinking, the guy's schizoid or something, but that can't be because schizoids have multiple personalities, and if there's one thing we've learned about the president, he's always the same. Also clueless, incompetent, illegal and lacking in the qualities that produce effective leadership like say umm...er...we don't know, a conscience? Or is that conscious? We'll get back to you.
So you say, well, Iraq didn't have a democratic government elected by its people and it's not a neighboring state to us, so technically it's not the same. This is true, but somehow Bush doesn't impress us as a man capable of such fine intellectual distinctions.
Is he a robot, merely programmed to evaluate the moral and the immoral then choose the latter, like some sort of soulless automaton bereft of even the slightest glimmer of humanity?
Wait. That's Cheney.
Perhaps he's simply the anti-Forrest Gump, who, instead of blinking his way through history at its most brilliant, haplessly caroms from calamity to disaster.
Blast! We'll never know. The man is a moron wrapped in an idiot. It seems we must leave it for the ages to ponder how anyone could be that stupid and how 62,040,210 people couldn't recognize it.
Monday, August 11, 2008
Gives A Whole New Meaning To Smoking In The Boy's Room
We're coming to you from the Childhood Development Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. The CDD is a wholly owned subsidy of the No Recess For You Corporation in partnership with the Where's Your Hall Pass Company.
We've written many times that our tenure as inmates of the Great American Educorporate Training System was, how do you say, somewhat less that spectacular. And by spectacular we mean mediocre. Now, we've never been in a war, but we suspect in all those years of school had some similarities. Especially the hours of boredom punctuated by moments of intense worksheet. Something like that.
That being said, though, we have to admit that we're glad we got out when we did because now it looks like those hours of boredom are about to be punctuated with moments of electrically amplified motivational intervention.
The Uniontown Area school's director of student ionization says giving the district's three officers the option of using a Taser on more than just sloppy joe day is more about providing the safest possible conditions for children, staff and visitors than as a weapon directed at the students."Of course if those little heathens should happen to step out of line we're going to light them up like a Christmas tree," he added.
The president of a voltage generated behavior modification consulting firm said districts like Uniontown Area, which is considering arming its police officers with Tasers, have to take a conservative approach to their deployment and develop a comprehensive policy. "First thing, you can't Tase a kid because he didn't do his homework," the official said. "Especially if he's a white kid. Oh, and don't Tase kids in wheelchairs either. That makes for some very bad public relations"
Concerned parents and residents questioned the necessity of the devices at a public meeting, but a Cleveland consultant said in an interview that a Taser can be a "useful extra tool" for authorities as an alternative to a firearm in gaining control in a tense situation. "You don't want me bustin' a cap on your kid 'cause he's running in the halls do you?" asked the consultant. "This way I just give him permanently curly hair if you get my drift."
Ken Trump, a former electrical engineer who heads National High Current Low Amp Pedagogy Services, said a device like a Taser potentially can be helpful if an adult non-student intruder threatens harm to himself or others. "I think parents need to realize they're not zapping kids for not having a hall pass," Trump said. "Well, at least not the first time."
Although he acknowledged some cases nationally in which officers allegedly have shown no judgment in using Tasers, Trump said "The key is selective use. By that I mean we only use it on poor kids and minorities who are less likely to know a lawyer."
Medical studies have shown that exposure to a conducted-energy device, or CED, like a Taser, is safe in the "vast majority of cases," according to a June report by Doctors for Discharges. "Only those who died or were permanently disabled reported deleterious outcomes," the report stated.
Forensic pathologist Cyril H. Wecht, a former Allegheny County Electrical Inspector said, "Once you have the Taser and it's been accepted and legitimized ... I see nothing wrong with officers being able to use it on teenagers. They're all drunk or high most of the time anyway. Probably won't even feel it."
Uniontown's director of boost charging, Arc Flash, said he's trying to be proactive by suggesting the use of Tasers. Currently, he's the only officer at the school who carries a gun, but he hasn't had to discharge it while on duty. "Do you know how boring that is for him?" Flash asked. "We're trying to get him something he could fry those little boogers with."
We've written many times that our tenure as inmates of the Great American Educorporate Training System was, how do you say, somewhat less that spectacular. And by spectacular we mean mediocre. Now, we've never been in a war, but we suspect in all those years of school had some similarities. Especially the hours of boredom punctuated by moments of intense worksheet. Something like that.
That being said, though, we have to admit that we're glad we got out when we did because now it looks like those hours of boredom are about to be punctuated with moments of electrically amplified motivational intervention.
The Uniontown Area school's director of student ionization says giving the district's three officers the option of using a Taser on more than just sloppy joe day is more about providing the safest possible conditions for children, staff and visitors than as a weapon directed at the students."Of course if those little heathens should happen to step out of line we're going to light them up like a Christmas tree," he added.
The president of a voltage generated behavior modification consulting firm said districts like Uniontown Area, which is considering arming its police officers with Tasers, have to take a conservative approach to their deployment and develop a comprehensive policy. "First thing, you can't Tase a kid because he didn't do his homework," the official said. "Especially if he's a white kid. Oh, and don't Tase kids in wheelchairs either. That makes for some very bad public relations"
Concerned parents and residents questioned the necessity of the devices at a public meeting, but a Cleveland consultant said in an interview that a Taser can be a "useful extra tool" for authorities as an alternative to a firearm in gaining control in a tense situation. "You don't want me bustin' a cap on your kid 'cause he's running in the halls do you?" asked the consultant. "This way I just give him permanently curly hair if you get my drift."
Ken Trump, a former electrical engineer who heads National High Current Low Amp Pedagogy Services, said a device like a Taser potentially can be helpful if an adult non-student intruder threatens harm to himself or others. "I think parents need to realize they're not zapping kids for not having a hall pass," Trump said. "Well, at least not the first time."
Although he acknowledged some cases nationally in which officers allegedly have shown no judgment in using Tasers, Trump said "The key is selective use. By that I mean we only use it on poor kids and minorities who are less likely to know a lawyer."
Medical studies have shown that exposure to a conducted-energy device, or CED, like a Taser, is safe in the "vast majority of cases," according to a June report by Doctors for Discharges. "Only those who died or were permanently disabled reported deleterious outcomes," the report stated.
Forensic pathologist Cyril H. Wecht, a former Allegheny County Electrical Inspector said, "Once you have the Taser and it's been accepted and legitimized ... I see nothing wrong with officers being able to use it on teenagers. They're all drunk or high most of the time anyway. Probably won't even feel it."
Uniontown's director of boost charging, Arc Flash, said he's trying to be proactive by suggesting the use of Tasers. Currently, he's the only officer at the school who carries a gun, but he hasn't had to discharge it while on duty. "Do you know how boring that is for him?" Flash asked. "We're trying to get him something he could fry those little boogers with."
Friday, August 08, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
Regular readers of this blog are probably used to the looks they get on the street...er...we mean are used to stories about the overlords doing strange things to try and stay out of the labor market, but this is one move even we can't figure out.
Corpus Christi Greyhound Racetrack owners do not want to begin live racing until August 2010, but may start simulcast races in April.
What?
"It's a brilliant plan," said Track general manager Rick Pimentel. "See, by 2010 all the other tracks will be closed and we'll be the only place you can go to for greyhound racing. We'll corner the market!"
But Mr. Pimentel, the reason all the tracks are closing is because no one wants to go to greyhound races anymore.
"Oh. Well, see that's...um we didn't...OK, look I'm going to have to get back to you on that."
Ah, another perfect business plan down in flames, huh Buddy?
Buddy wants to be a lap dog; he tries to curl up with you and before you know it his whole body is in your lap. He’s very curious. He likes to stand up tall and stretch. It’s almost as if he needs a scratching post. He hides his rawhides in the house. He will bark if he sees something new. He is very friendly and comical. Buddy would do well in a working family home with well mannered children, 8 and up. He would be great in a home with an 8-year-old boy or girl to grow up with them. He’s good with other dogs, and would be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Corpus Christi Greyhound Racetrack owners do not want to begin live racing until August 2010, but may start simulcast races in April.
What?
"It's a brilliant plan," said Track general manager Rick Pimentel. "See, by 2010 all the other tracks will be closed and we'll be the only place you can go to for greyhound racing. We'll corner the market!"
But Mr. Pimentel, the reason all the tracks are closing is because no one wants to go to greyhound races anymore.
"Oh. Well, see that's...um we didn't...OK, look I'm going to have to get back to you on that."
Ah, another perfect business plan down in flames, huh Buddy?
Buddy wants to be a lap dog; he tries to curl up with you and before you know it his whole body is in your lap. He’s very curious. He likes to stand up tall and stretch. It’s almost as if he needs a scratching post. He hides his rawhides in the house. He will bark if he sees something new. He is very friendly and comical. Buddy would do well in a working family home with well mannered children, 8 and up. He would be great in a home with an 8-year-old boy or girl to grow up with them. He’s good with other dogs, and would be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I'll Be Here All Week. Tip Your Waitress
Oh, that president Bush, he's such a card. Every time he goes off to another country he just cracks the locals up with something he says or does. He's like America's traveling ambassador of hilarity.
Now he's got the Chinese shooting hot bubble tea lattes through their noses.
U.S. President George W. Bush plans to voice deep concerns about human rights in China in a speech hours before he arrives in Beijing for the opening of the Olympic Games.
Hahahahahahahahahaha! Get it? Mr. Blow up a country for the heck of it. Mr. Guantanamo. Mr. Secret Rendition. Mr. Torture is OK. Mr. Eavesdrop on everyone is telling the Chinese to watch it on human rights.
We're laughing so hard right now there are tears in our eyes. Sort of like these people.
"The United States believes the people of China deserve the fundamental liberty that is the natural right of all human beings," Bush will say in a speech in Bangkok. "Well, all human beings except the ones we're holding that is."
"So America stands in firm opposition to China's detention of political dissidents, human rights advocates and religious activists," Bush will tell the audience of Chinese officials. "That's our gig, you know?"
"We speak out for a free press, freedom of assembly, and labor rights," Bush will say. "You know, all that stuff we're trying to stop in America."
"And we press for openness and justice not to impose our beliefs, but to allow the Chinese people to express theirs." When asked if the same applied to the ability of the Iraqis freedom to express their beliefs the president replied that the Iraqis were free to express any belief his administration has already expressed.
"I have spoken clearly, candidly, and consistently with China's leaders about our deep concerns over religious freedom and human rights," Bush plans to say in his speech. "And they will ask me why my head hasn't exploded yet. I will tell them I have no idea."
Bush has repeatedly said he is going to the Olympics for sports and not for politics. "I don't do politics real good," he said.
Now he's got the Chinese shooting hot bubble tea lattes through their noses.
U.S. President George W. Bush plans to voice deep concerns about human rights in China in a speech hours before he arrives in Beijing for the opening of the Olympic Games.
Hahahahahahahahahaha! Get it? Mr. Blow up a country for the heck of it. Mr. Guantanamo. Mr. Secret Rendition. Mr. Torture is OK. Mr. Eavesdrop on everyone is telling the Chinese to watch it on human rights.
We're laughing so hard right now there are tears in our eyes. Sort of like these people.
"The United States believes the people of China deserve the fundamental liberty that is the natural right of all human beings," Bush will say in a speech in Bangkok. "Well, all human beings except the ones we're holding that is."
"So America stands in firm opposition to China's detention of political dissidents, human rights advocates and religious activists," Bush will tell the audience of Chinese officials. "That's our gig, you know?"
"We speak out for a free press, freedom of assembly, and labor rights," Bush will say. "You know, all that stuff we're trying to stop in America."
"And we press for openness and justice not to impose our beliefs, but to allow the Chinese people to express theirs." When asked if the same applied to the ability of the Iraqis freedom to express their beliefs the president replied that the Iraqis were free to express any belief his administration has already expressed.
"I have spoken clearly, candidly, and consistently with China's leaders about our deep concerns over religious freedom and human rights," Bush plans to say in his speech. "And they will ask me why my head hasn't exploded yet. I will tell them I have no idea."
Bush has repeatedly said he is going to the Olympics for sports and not for politics. "I don't do politics real good," he said.
Tuesday, August 05, 2008
For Homework: Discuss Why Evolution Can't Explain People Who Cling To Irrational Beliefs Despite Evidence
A while back we told you about John Freshwater a Middle School science teacher in Ohio and his rather unique classroom management technique of branding students. "It helps me learn their names faster," he told reporters. Apparently, some parents had problems with permanent disfigurement of their children and complained to the school board who promptly told Freshwater to stop teaching creationism in his science classes.
Oh, did we mention he's a science teacher who doesn't believe in science? Yeah, there's that too.
Anyway, long story short, the school board voted unanimously to fire him back in June. End of story.
Or so we thought.
Freshwater, 52, has vehemently denied branding anyone and insists he teaches evolution. "I teach that it's wrong and you'll go to hell if you believe it, but at least I teach it," he said. In a brief interview, Freshwater claimed the investigation into his activities is "biased." When asked to explain what he mean by that, Freshwater said it had been obvious "from day one that all the school cares about is me teaching science. How one sided is that?"
All this is prelude to an August 26 hearing at which a referee will consider the board's recommendation that Freshwater, who has been suspended without pay, be fired. "We would have had all this wrapped up by now," said one school board member. "But Freshwater challenged the call and the ref wanted to see the replay."
The alleged branding occurred last December during a classroom science experiment. Freshwater was using an electrostatic device common in science classroom demonstrations. Freshwater told investigators, according to an independent probe, that students often ask if they could touch the device, which carries high voltage but low current. "I felt it was my duty as a teacher to let kids hurt themselves if they wanted to," Freshwater said.
The alleged branding has overshadowed a more complex story of religious beliefs and public education. Freshwater supporters argue that religious freedom is on trial here, along with the teacher. "Why should a science teacher be limited to teaching science?" asked one Freshwater supporter. "Why can't he also teach stuff that has nothing to do with science? What's happened to freedom of speech in this country?"
"This is about the safety and well-being of students and protecting their constitutional rights to get an education," said David Millstone, who represents the school board.
"Education? That's not why I send my child to school," responded a parent supporting Freshwater. And what's the Constitution got to do with this? There's no mention of the Constitution in the bible."
Lori Miller, a mathematics teacher at the middle school, said Freshwater is being singled out for his religious beliefs. Miller said she keeps a Bible on her desk and, like Freshwater, has posters on her classroom walls with religious themes. "Of course I don't burn my students or tell them they're going to hell if they believe in algebra, so that could be a difference," she conceded.
Oh, did we mention he's a science teacher who doesn't believe in science? Yeah, there's that too.
Anyway, long story short, the school board voted unanimously to fire him back in June. End of story.
Or so we thought.
Freshwater, 52, has vehemently denied branding anyone and insists he teaches evolution. "I teach that it's wrong and you'll go to hell if you believe it, but at least I teach it," he said. In a brief interview, Freshwater claimed the investigation into his activities is "biased." When asked to explain what he mean by that, Freshwater said it had been obvious "from day one that all the school cares about is me teaching science. How one sided is that?"
All this is prelude to an August 26 hearing at which a referee will consider the board's recommendation that Freshwater, who has been suspended without pay, be fired. "We would have had all this wrapped up by now," said one school board member. "But Freshwater challenged the call and the ref wanted to see the replay."
The alleged branding occurred last December during a classroom science experiment. Freshwater was using an electrostatic device common in science classroom demonstrations. Freshwater told investigators, according to an independent probe, that students often ask if they could touch the device, which carries high voltage but low current. "I felt it was my duty as a teacher to let kids hurt themselves if they wanted to," Freshwater said.
The alleged branding has overshadowed a more complex story of religious beliefs and public education. Freshwater supporters argue that religious freedom is on trial here, along with the teacher. "Why should a science teacher be limited to teaching science?" asked one Freshwater supporter. "Why can't he also teach stuff that has nothing to do with science? What's happened to freedom of speech in this country?"
"This is about the safety and well-being of students and protecting their constitutional rights to get an education," said David Millstone, who represents the school board.
"Education? That's not why I send my child to school," responded a parent supporting Freshwater. And what's the Constitution got to do with this? There's no mention of the Constitution in the bible."
Lori Miller, a mathematics teacher at the middle school, said Freshwater is being singled out for his religious beliefs. Miller said she keeps a Bible on her desk and, like Freshwater, has posters on her classroom walls with religious themes. "Of course I don't burn my students or tell them they're going to hell if they believe in algebra, so that could be a difference," she conceded.
Monday, August 04, 2008
If Elected, He'll Pass A Law That Says He Gets To Date Your Daughter
You know, we just don't understand politics. Calling your opponent a fancy pants, accusing him of being popular just because people like him, reminding fat people that he's not fat and thus "not like them," all that we get. Come on, what's the alternative? Talk about the issues? Please. Did you just move to this country? Legally?
The thing that we don't get is that when a black man finally admits, on national tee vee and everything that he is, in fact, black he's accused of playing the race card. What? Isn't that what you wanted all along? Now the whole country will wake up and be like Whoa! He's a brother? Man, we gotta vote for the white guy.
Senator John McCain defended his campaign for saying that Senator Barack Obama is playing the race card. McCain's campaign manager charged that Obama falsely accused the McCain campaign of injecting race into the presidential contest. "We hadn't noticed he was black until he said that," Rick Davis said. "And frankly it's divisive, negative, shameful and wrong. You'd never catch Senator McCain going around telling people he's white."
At three stops in the battleground state of Missouri, Obama told audiences that his opponent is trying to make voters "scared" of him because he doesn't look like past presidents -- an apparent reference to being black -- and has a "funny name."
"Well, duh," Davis said. "Look, it worked for Bush and he was running against the Senator from Vanilla. Can you imagine how fired up we'll get the Bubbas when they find out dude's a brotha? Heck even Dobson will risk eternal damnation rather than throw in with the darkies."
"This is a race about big challenges: a slumping economy, a broken foreign policy and an energy crisis for everyone but the oil companies," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said.
"Well, sure it is," Davis responded. "And we lose on every one of those. Look, Britney's all we got man, how about cutting us a little slack here?"
The thing that we don't get is that when a black man finally admits, on national tee vee and everything that he is, in fact, black he's accused of playing the race card. What? Isn't that what you wanted all along? Now the whole country will wake up and be like Whoa! He's a brother? Man, we gotta vote for the white guy.
Senator John McCain defended his campaign for saying that Senator Barack Obama is playing the race card. McCain's campaign manager charged that Obama falsely accused the McCain campaign of injecting race into the presidential contest. "We hadn't noticed he was black until he said that," Rick Davis said. "And frankly it's divisive, negative, shameful and wrong. You'd never catch Senator McCain going around telling people he's white."
At three stops in the battleground state of Missouri, Obama told audiences that his opponent is trying to make voters "scared" of him because he doesn't look like past presidents -- an apparent reference to being black -- and has a "funny name."
"Well, duh," Davis said. "Look, it worked for Bush and he was running against the Senator from Vanilla. Can you imagine how fired up we'll get the Bubbas when they find out dude's a brotha? Heck even Dobson will risk eternal damnation rather than throw in with the darkies."
"This is a race about big challenges: a slumping economy, a broken foreign policy and an energy crisis for everyone but the oil companies," Obama spokesman Bill Burton said.
"Well, sure it is," Davis responded. "And we lose on every one of those. Look, Britney's all we got man, how about cutting us a little slack here?"
Friday, August 01, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
OK, so everybody knows the overlords have hit a bit of a rough patch for, oh the last thirty years or so. Prosperity might be just around the corner though if the animal rights whackos would just quit trying to convince people that sucking a meager existence off the backs of innocent animals and then discarding them like yesterday's news isn't the glamorous career choice they'd like us to believe it is.
Oh, that and having to pay taxes.
City officials have begun foreclosure proceedings on Wonderland Greyhound Park for failure to pay $789,293 in taxes over the last two years. "I used all the checks in the checkbook," track president Richard P. Dalton said. "I thought that meant all the bills were paid."
Wonderland Park, the city's eighth biggest taxpayer and now the city's largest tax delinquent, also owes $16,673.70 in water and sewer bills, said George M. Anzuoni, Revere's director of finance. "We're number one! We're number one!" Dalton chanted.
The track has been delinquent since 2006, city officials said. But city councilors were surprised to learn last week that the track was able to obtain annual liquor and restaurant licenses, as well as a special permit for parking at a track-owned parking lot while delinquent on taxes. That is a violation of a local ordinance.
"Greyhound racing is wholesome, well regulated clean family fun," Dalton told reporters. "You just have to watch us all the time, that's all."
Mayor Thomas G. Ambrosino had no answers when he was questioned by City Council President George V. Colella at a meeting Monday."Obviously there was an error here," Ambrosino told the council. "And I think it's called Greyhound Racing."
Ambrosino said he has not received any communication from Wonderland officials."I'd be very surprised if an entity like that would let the city take over a venue valued at $15 million to $20 million for taxes owed that are under $1 million," Ambrosino said. "That would be a very foolish business decision."
"Those are the kind of decisions I'm best at," said Dalton.
Well, that's a big 10-4 huh, Ellie?
Ellie is quiet, friendly, gives kisses, snuggles, & lays down by you. She will let you spoon her and will move to be with you. She is a very sweet & quiet girl. Ellie would be great in a home where she is not alone more than 6 or 7 hours. She is good with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and is fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Oh, that and having to pay taxes.
City officials have begun foreclosure proceedings on Wonderland Greyhound Park for failure to pay $789,293 in taxes over the last two years. "I used all the checks in the checkbook," track president Richard P. Dalton said. "I thought that meant all the bills were paid."
Wonderland Park, the city's eighth biggest taxpayer and now the city's largest tax delinquent, also owes $16,673.70 in water and sewer bills, said George M. Anzuoni, Revere's director of finance. "We're number one! We're number one!" Dalton chanted.
The track has been delinquent since 2006, city officials said. But city councilors were surprised to learn last week that the track was able to obtain annual liquor and restaurant licenses, as well as a special permit for parking at a track-owned parking lot while delinquent on taxes. That is a violation of a local ordinance.
"Greyhound racing is wholesome, well regulated clean family fun," Dalton told reporters. "You just have to watch us all the time, that's all."
Mayor Thomas G. Ambrosino had no answers when he was questioned by City Council President George V. Colella at a meeting Monday."Obviously there was an error here," Ambrosino told the council. "And I think it's called Greyhound Racing."
Ambrosino said he has not received any communication from Wonderland officials."I'd be very surprised if an entity like that would let the city take over a venue valued at $15 million to $20 million for taxes owed that are under $1 million," Ambrosino said. "That would be a very foolish business decision."
"Those are the kind of decisions I'm best at," said Dalton.
Well, that's a big 10-4 huh, Ellie?
Ellie is quiet, friendly, gives kisses, snuggles, & lays down by you. She will let you spoon her and will move to be with you. She is a very sweet & quiet girl. Ellie would be great in a home where she is not alone more than 6 or 7 hours. She is good with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and is fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Guest Blogging (Sort Of)
Normally, we like to put our own unique spin on the events of the day we report to you, our faithful, if somewhat under achieving readers, but today we ran across something so completely whackazoid, so unbelievably astonishing, so breathtakingly incredible, so stupefyingly confounding, that we had to read it several times to determine that yes, it was in Florida, and yes it involved a high school principal.
And no, it wasn't satire, fantasy, invention, make believe, or drug induced automatic writing. Which means it would never appear on this blog.
Ed Brayton, who blogs over at Science Blogs has the whole story. You must move all sharp objects away from your immediate reach, drain any liquid beverages you are currently imbibing and do not have any food in your mouth before you go and read about Principal Davis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lesbo T-shirt Imbroglio, but here's a taste of this particular educational leader's pedagogical philosophy:
And no, it wasn't satire, fantasy, invention, make believe, or drug induced automatic writing. Which means it would never appear on this blog.
Ed Brayton, who blogs over at Science Blogs has the whole story. You must move all sharp objects away from your immediate reach, drain any liquid beverages you are currently imbibing and do not have any food in your mouth before you go and read about Principal Davis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lesbo T-shirt Imbroglio, but here's a taste of this particular educational leader's pedagogical philosophy:
At the end of the school day on the following Monday, September 10, 2007, Davis called Jane into his office. Davis asked Jane if she had told the teacher's aide that she identified herself as a lesbian. Jane answered, "Yes." Davis then asked, "Are you a lesbian?" Jane again answered, "Yes." Davis counseled Jane that it was not "right" to be homosexual. He then questioned Jane about whether her parents were aware of her sexual orientation. When Jane answered in the negative, Davis asked Jane for her parents' telephone number so that he could call them and inform them of her sexual orientation. Davis also instructed Jane to "stay away" from the middle school students or that he would suspend her.If you need us, we'll be in the basement trying to drink this episode out of our memory.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Oh, You Think Just Because You're Hurt You Can't Be Hurt?
Oh man. We have a feeling this isn't going to end well.
vice president Cheney's invitation to address wounded combat veterans next month has been yanked because the group felt his security demands were Draconian and unreasonable.
Guys. You sure you've thought this through? You've already been wounded once. Dissing the Cheney is like having a live grenade fall in your foxhole. It's only a matter of time before someone gets their body parts rearranged.
Cheney's staff insisted the sick vets be sequestered for two hours before Cheney's arrival and couldn't leave until he'd finished talking. "What? These guys are all geeked up anyway," said an aide to the vice president. "It's not like they're gonna go out back and shoot some hoops while they're waiting for my boss."
"Word got back to us ... that this would be a prerequisite," said the veterans executive director, David Gorman, who noted the meeting hall doesn't have any rest rooms. "We told them it just wasn't acceptable."
"Don't they all have, like bottles and bags and stuff for that," asked the aide. "I still don't see the problem."
Many of the vets are elderly and left pieces of themselves on foreign battlefields since World War II, and others were crippled by recent service in Iraq and Afghanistan. For health reasons, many can't be stuck in a room for hours.
"Hey, if those guys don't know how to duck, that isn't the vice president's problem said Cheney Spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. "You don't see Whittington complaining he has to pee, do you? And he got shot in the face."
President Bush routinely speaks at events such as large dinners where thousands of guests freely pass back and forth through Secret Service screening portals, but the vice president's rules for speaking to groups seem more stringent than those of his boss.
"What's your point?" Mitchell asked. "Bush is Mr. Popularity compared to what people think of Cheney."
vice president Cheney's invitation to address wounded combat veterans next month has been yanked because the group felt his security demands were Draconian and unreasonable.
Guys. You sure you've thought this through? You've already been wounded once. Dissing the Cheney is like having a live grenade fall in your foxhole. It's only a matter of time before someone gets their body parts rearranged.
Cheney's staff insisted the sick vets be sequestered for two hours before Cheney's arrival and couldn't leave until he'd finished talking. "What? These guys are all geeked up anyway," said an aide to the vice president. "It's not like they're gonna go out back and shoot some hoops while they're waiting for my boss."
"Word got back to us ... that this would be a prerequisite," said the veterans executive director, David Gorman, who noted the meeting hall doesn't have any rest rooms. "We told them it just wasn't acceptable."
"Don't they all have, like bottles and bags and stuff for that," asked the aide. "I still don't see the problem."
Many of the vets are elderly and left pieces of themselves on foreign battlefields since World War II, and others were crippled by recent service in Iraq and Afghanistan. For health reasons, many can't be stuck in a room for hours.
"Hey, if those guys don't know how to duck, that isn't the vice president's problem said Cheney Spokeswoman Megan Mitchell. "You don't see Whittington complaining he has to pee, do you? And he got shot in the face."
President Bush routinely speaks at events such as large dinners where thousands of guests freely pass back and forth through Secret Service screening portals, but the vice president's rules for speaking to groups seem more stringent than those of his boss.
"What's your point?" Mitchell asked. "Bush is Mr. Popularity compared to what people think of Cheney."
Monday, July 28, 2008
Our Military Can Blow Up Countries, Lay Waste To Whole Civilizations, But It Is Powerless Against Teh Gay
OK, we have to admit we've never been too frightened by Teh Gayz. Sure we heard the stories about Gay Ninjas slipping into your house at night and infecting your children with Teh Totally Awesome, Irresistible Gay Virus, making them care about things like the color wheel and wool versus cotton, but there was always something about those stories that rang a little false: for instance, would any card carrying Gay actually go out in black pajamas?
And when it came to Gays in the military we were pretty certain that if someone was trying to blow you up, you'd be more concerned with the marksmanship capabilities of the fellow next to you than whether he prefers Giorgio Valentini to Belvest Dupioni.
Turns out we were mistaken, and the reason we're losing in Iraq, the housing crisis, global warming and those damn Yankees going on another winning streak are all the fault of those who aspire to be our homoerotic overlords.
Don't ask, don't tell. And, whatever you do, don't ask Elaine Donnelly to tell you what she thinks about gays in the military. "Gays!!! BAWK!!! They're Everywhere!! EEEK!!," Donnelly burst out as she was being sworn in. "EEEK!! Get Them Off Me!! Get Them Off Me!!! AIIIEEEE!!
After a short recess in which Ms. Donnelly's medication was adjusted, she returned.
Donnelly warned of "transgenders in the military." She warned that lesbians would take pictures of people in the shower. She spoke ominously of gays spreading "HIV positivity" through the ranks.
Transgenders? Aren't those the aliens that are always kidnapping trailer park residents? And as for lesbians taking pictures, umm, are those posted anywhere? Just want to evaluate the evidence is all. And as for "HIV positivity," well everyone already knows Gays spread that by getting otherwise heterosexual young men and women to drink Velvet Hammers. (They're Homolicious!)
Her written statement added warnings about "inappropriate passive/aggressive actions common in the homosexual community," the prospects of "forcible sodomy" and "exotic forms of sexual expression," and the case of "a group of black lesbians who decided to gang-assault" a fellow soldier.
Man. Sounds like one of those Women in Prison movies. Not that we're all that familiar with the genre. Er...the "exotic forms of sexual expression though," could you be more specific Ms. Donnely? And please take your time. don't leave anything out. Are there any...umm....pictoral exhibits?
Representative Vic Snyder labeled her statement "just bonkers" and "dumb," and he called her claims about an HIV menace "inappropriate." Said Snyder: "By this analysis . . . we ought to recruit only lesbians for the military, because they have the lowest incidence of HIV in the country."
And the shower pictures. Don't forget about the shower pictures.
Representative Chris Shays pointed a finger at retired Navy Captain Joan Darrah, a lesbian and glared at Donnelly. "Would you please tell me, Miss Donnelly, why I should give one twit about this woman's sexual orientation, when it didn't interfere one bit with her service?" Donnelly said something about "forced intimacy."
And when it came to Gays in the military we were pretty certain that if someone was trying to blow you up, you'd be more concerned with the marksmanship capabilities of the fellow next to you than whether he prefers Giorgio Valentini to Belvest Dupioni.
Turns out we were mistaken, and the reason we're losing in Iraq, the housing crisis, global warming and those damn Yankees going on another winning streak are all the fault of those who aspire to be our homoerotic overlords.
Don't ask, don't tell. And, whatever you do, don't ask Elaine Donnelly to tell you what she thinks about gays in the military. "Gays!!! BAWK!!! They're Everywhere!! EEEK!!," Donnelly burst out as she was being sworn in. "EEEK!! Get Them Off Me!! Get Them Off Me!!! AIIIEEEE!!
After a short recess in which Ms. Donnelly's medication was adjusted, she returned.
Donnelly warned of "transgenders in the military." She warned that lesbians would take pictures of people in the shower. She spoke ominously of gays spreading "HIV positivity" through the ranks.
Transgenders? Aren't those the aliens that are always kidnapping trailer park residents? And as for lesbians taking pictures, umm, are those posted anywhere? Just want to evaluate the evidence is all. And as for "HIV positivity," well everyone already knows Gays spread that by getting otherwise heterosexual young men and women to drink Velvet Hammers. (They're Homolicious!)
Her written statement added warnings about "inappropriate passive/aggressive actions common in the homosexual community," the prospects of "forcible sodomy" and "exotic forms of sexual expression," and the case of "a group of black lesbians who decided to gang-assault" a fellow soldier.
Man. Sounds like one of those Women in Prison movies. Not that we're all that familiar with the genre. Er...the "exotic forms of sexual expression though," could you be more specific Ms. Donnely? And please take your time. don't leave anything out. Are there any...umm....pictoral exhibits?
Representative Vic Snyder labeled her statement "just bonkers" and "dumb," and he called her claims about an HIV menace "inappropriate." Said Snyder: "By this analysis . . . we ought to recruit only lesbians for the military, because they have the lowest incidence of HIV in the country."
And the shower pictures. Don't forget about the shower pictures.
Representative Chris Shays pointed a finger at retired Navy Captain Joan Darrah, a lesbian and glared at Donnelly. "Would you please tell me, Miss Donnelly, why I should give one twit about this woman's sexual orientation, when it didn't interfere one bit with her service?" Donnelly said something about "forced intimacy."
"You mean like the kind your husband has with you," Shays said. At that point several members of the panel and quite a few people in the audience all said "Oh no he Di Nit!"
Donnelly, severe in a black jacket with a flag pin on her lapel and her breasts taped down so she "wouldn't turn on the lesbos" attacked the "San Francisco left who want to impose their agenda on the military." She spoke of the "devastating" effect gay soldiers would have on the military and said "people who do have religious convictions" would be driven out of the military by the "sexualized atmosphere."
"Many times I have walked through barracks and see our boys reading their bibles, playing checkers or writing letters home to their sweethearts," she told the committee. "I would hate to see all that lost."
Donnelly explained "absolutely devastating" effect of homosexuals "introducing erotic factors" and made a comparison to Sen. Larry Craig's adventure at the Minneapolis airport. She said admitting gays to the military would be "forced cohabitation" and a policy of "relax and enjoy it."
"Me thinks she doth protest too much," Shays said. "You in the closet here, or what?" Ms. Donnely replied that Hearing Room was very warm and she wondered if Captain Darrah "would like to continue the debate over drinks at Phase 1."
Friday, July 25, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
Man, it's got to be tough to be a business person today. Imagine you're the head of GM, or Ford, or Wachovia. You stay up nights wondering if your company will survive. You wrack your brain looking for ways to attract customers.
And those are legitimate businesses. Now imagine you're an overlord in charge of exploiting innocent animals in a barely disguised attempt to separate the elderly from their social security checks. Further imagine that, due to your third grade education, "wracking your brain" pretty much goes up in smoke after trying to remember where you put your shoes.
You see the overlords' dilemma.
The market is a harsh mistress though, and she makes no accounting for those who...how to say this politely...are lacking in business acumen and or personal hygiene skills. As a result:
The Woodlands Racetrack will close on August 23 because of financial woes, General Manager Jayme LaRocca said. "We just kept thinking that the customers had gotten lost again and would make it back eventually, but this time it looks like they're really gone."
Howard Grace, president of Kansas Racing LLC, which owns The Woodlands, decided to close the track because of legislation passed in the spring of 2007 that required it to part with too much of its revenue. "You got the power company wanting revenue, the water company, employees want revenue. Where's my revenue?" Grace said. "I got trailer payments you know."
Now, normally this would be the end of the story, but as we all know there is another constituency affected by this tragedy, the dogs. And also as we all know, the overlords' first concern is and always has been, their units...er...animals. So what have they come up with to make sure their beloved dogs do not suffer?
The Wyandotte County track estimates 900 dogs are affected. The plan is to move the dogs to other tracks or adopt them out, but greyhound rescue teams worry that's not realistic with so many dogs in question. "The dogs are overbred so that they can get the one fast dog," Cher Oliver with Kansas City REGAP said. Oliver is afraid a lot of the dogs will be euthanized.
Hmmm...well, that wouldn't have been our first choice. What do you have to say about that Mr. LaRocca? "If we have to keep them here for awhile, we'll keep them here but we're going to do everything we can to make sure that no one's paying attention when they're taken care of. Wait, that didn't come out right."
Woodlands denied that and so does the State Racing and Gaming Commission. State officers locked down the kennels, saying they will monitor what happens to the dogs. "You'll know exactly how many dogs we kill...er...we...umm...'retire,'" said a track official.
Yeah. We hear you. Hate to think what would happen to the dogs if the overlords really didn't care so much for them, huh Absolut?
Absolut is very laid back and easygoing. His family says he is a “perfect gentleman”. He has a curious side. He likes to see when visitors come in the house and then goes back to sleep. He is very affectionate. He will lean into you very hard for attention. He will also place his head in your lap and look up at you for pets. He is a happy boy who wags his tail often. He will take the toys out of the toy basket, one at a time, and then his foster mom puts them back. He likes to run and play in the yard. He likes to greet people while on the walk. Absolut would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs of any size and would probably be fine as an only dog.For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
And those are legitimate businesses. Now imagine you're an overlord in charge of exploiting innocent animals in a barely disguised attempt to separate the elderly from their social security checks. Further imagine that, due to your third grade education, "wracking your brain" pretty much goes up in smoke after trying to remember where you put your shoes.
You see the overlords' dilemma.
The market is a harsh mistress though, and she makes no accounting for those who...how to say this politely...are lacking in business acumen and or personal hygiene skills. As a result:
The Woodlands Racetrack will close on August 23 because of financial woes, General Manager Jayme LaRocca said. "We just kept thinking that the customers had gotten lost again and would make it back eventually, but this time it looks like they're really gone."
Howard Grace, president of Kansas Racing LLC, which owns The Woodlands, decided to close the track because of legislation passed in the spring of 2007 that required it to part with too much of its revenue. "You got the power company wanting revenue, the water company, employees want revenue. Where's my revenue?" Grace said. "I got trailer payments you know."
Now, normally this would be the end of the story, but as we all know there is another constituency affected by this tragedy, the dogs. And also as we all know, the overlords' first concern is and always has been, their units...er...animals. So what have they come up with to make sure their beloved dogs do not suffer?
The Wyandotte County track estimates 900 dogs are affected. The plan is to move the dogs to other tracks or adopt them out, but greyhound rescue teams worry that's not realistic with so many dogs in question. "The dogs are overbred so that they can get the one fast dog," Cher Oliver with Kansas City REGAP said. Oliver is afraid a lot of the dogs will be euthanized.
Hmmm...well, that wouldn't have been our first choice. What do you have to say about that Mr. LaRocca? "If we have to keep them here for awhile, we'll keep them here but we're going to do everything we can to make sure that no one's paying attention when they're taken care of. Wait, that didn't come out right."
Woodlands denied that and so does the State Racing and Gaming Commission. State officers locked down the kennels, saying they will monitor what happens to the dogs. "You'll know exactly how many dogs we kill...er...we...umm...'retire,'" said a track official.
Yeah. We hear you. Hate to think what would happen to the dogs if the overlords really didn't care so much for them, huh Absolut?
Absolut is very laid back and easygoing. His family says he is a “perfect gentleman”. He has a curious side. He likes to see when visitors come in the house and then goes back to sleep. He is very affectionate. He will lean into you very hard for attention. He will also place his head in your lap and look up at you for pets. He is a happy boy who wags his tail often. He will take the toys out of the toy basket, one at a time, and then his foster mom puts them back. He likes to run and play in the yard. He likes to greet people while on the walk. Absolut would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs of any size and would probably be fine as an only dog.For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Special Pre-Friday Hound Blogging
A while back we told you about Genie, the twenty year old greyhound--which according to our Vet is 120 year or so in human years, but who's counting? Sadly, we've just found out that Genie has passed away.
BRADENTON - A Bay Area canine celebrity has passed. Genie, the 20-year-old greyhound, died early this morning at her home in Bradenton. Genie is the dog that got her very own birthday bash a few months ago just as she was turning 20. Her owners, Neena and Tim Derf, say she was happy and lively right up to the end -- she even went to a greyhound party yesterday. The Derfs and others think Genie was likely the oldest greyhound in the world, and they are grateful that her story may have helped a few greyhounds out there get adopted.
Genie (1988 - 2008)
BRADENTON - A Bay Area canine celebrity has passed. Genie, the 20-year-old greyhound, died early this morning at her home in Bradenton. Genie is the dog that got her very own birthday bash a few months ago just as she was turning 20. Her owners, Neena and Tim Derf, say she was happy and lively right up to the end -- she even went to a greyhound party yesterday. The Derfs and others think Genie was likely the oldest greyhound in the world, and they are grateful that her story may have helped a few greyhounds out there get adopted.
Genie (1988 - 2008)Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Just A Quick Bit Of Advice From Ironicus Maximus
You're young, you're rich, you're white, and you're a republican. Our condolences, but all is not lost. We here in the marbled halls of IM Central are here to help you. And no, we're not just saying that so you'll let your guard down and we can give you a wedgie like they used to do back when the stoners caught you after the Latin Club meeting.
OK, so let's get started. What have you been up to lately?
"For me, I don't even know what that means," All says. "The Republicans are sort of talking down to Gen-Nexters, not bringing them in."
Right, because, see man, they don't really like you either. You've got two strikes against you: you're young and you ain't rich. Oh, and some of you are gay.
And John McCain? His campaign has never sent All a text message, he complains.
David. David, David, David. He's John McCain OK? He was shot down and taken prisoner in the Civil War, back when Afghanistan and Pakistan shared a border with Czechoslovakia.
You know what? Come to think of it we really don't have any advice for you. You are seriously screwed friend. Your best bet is to get old as fast as you can.
OK, so let's get started. What have you been up to lately?
David All glanced around Top of the Hill bar and saw the future of the Republican Party. It looked dim. A who's who of young conservatives had gathered, but they were few, and they were frustrated. Here were the executive director of the Young Republicans, and the 20-something who helped steer Fred Thompson's Internet operation, and the young woman who put Mitt Romney's Web site on the map, and the 24-year-old staffer for Newt Gingrich's American Solutions for Winning the Future.
"For me, I don't even know what that means," All says. "The Republicans are sort of talking down to Gen-Nexters, not bringing them in."
Right, because, see man, they don't really like you either. You've got two strikes against you: you're young and you ain't rich. Oh, and some of you are gay.
And John McCain? His campaign has never sent All a text message, he complains.
David. David, David, David. He's John McCain OK? He was shot down and taken prisoner in the Civil War, back when Afghanistan and Pakistan shared a border with Czechoslovakia.
You know what? Come to think of it we really don't have any advice for you. You are seriously screwed friend. Your best bet is to get old as fast as you can.
Monday, July 21, 2008
That Stuff You Thought He Said? He Said It, But You Didn't Hear It Right
See, here's the problem with democracy. You go letting the people have a say in the future of their country and pretty soon they're going to say something you don't want to hear. What's poor president Bush to think now? Here he's been marching democracy all over the Middle East like Moses on methamphetamine for the last seven years, and what does his number one homey Maliki go and say to a bunch of loudmouthed Germans? He likes Obama better. Hey Maliki, ever hear the phrase 'dance with who brung ya?' Yeesh, you fly in and liberate some guy's country and then he goes acting all liberated and whatnot.
Luckily, vice president Cheney had his cell with him when the announcement came out.
The statement by an aide to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki calling his remarks in Der Spiegel "misinterpreted and mistranslated" followed a call to the prime minister's office from U.S. government officials. "Yeah, when we said we like Obama's plan better what we really meant was we are forever indebted to the liberator Bush," said an aide to Maliki.
Scott M. Stanzel, a White House spokesman with president Bush at his ranch in Stuckinur Craw, Texas, said that embassy officials used fungo bats and motorcycle chains to explain to the Iraqis who is really in charge in their country and how the interview in Der Spiegel should have been cleared through the vice president's office and what was Maliki doing in Germany anyway, since no request for travel had been processed by the American Embassy in Baghdad.
“The Iraqis did not have their minds right wanted to correct it,” he said."Particularly after we pointed out that anybody caught bad mouthing the president's policies spends a night in the box."
A statement, which was distributed to media organizations by the American military early on Sunday, said Mr. Maliki’s words had been “misunderstood and mistranslated,” but it failed to cite specifics. "Oh, that's no problem," said Stanzel. "Where ever you see 'Obama' take it out and put in 'Bush'. The two words sound a lot alike in Arabic."
Mr. Maliki’s top political adviser, Sadiq al-Rikabi, declined to comment on the remarks, but spoke in general about the Iraqi position. “Foreign soldiers in the middle of the most populated areas are not without their side effects,” he said. “Shouldn’t we look to an end for this unhealthy situation?”
"I got your 'side effects' right here," said Stanzel.
Asked for a reaction to Maliki's statement, representatives of the Obama campaign just laughed and laughed and laughed. Later, McCain campaign headquarters put out a statement saying that while he disagreed with Obama on middle east policy, he was changing his policy to reflect Obama's position.
Luckily, vice president Cheney had his cell with him when the announcement came out.
The statement by an aide to Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki calling his remarks in Der Spiegel "misinterpreted and mistranslated" followed a call to the prime minister's office from U.S. government officials. "Yeah, when we said we like Obama's plan better what we really meant was we are forever indebted to the liberator Bush," said an aide to Maliki.
Scott M. Stanzel, a White House spokesman with president Bush at his ranch in Stuckinur Craw, Texas, said that embassy officials used fungo bats and motorcycle chains to explain to the Iraqis who is really in charge in their country and how the interview in Der Spiegel should have been cleared through the vice president's office and what was Maliki doing in Germany anyway, since no request for travel had been processed by the American Embassy in Baghdad.
“The Iraqis did not have their minds right wanted to correct it,” he said."Particularly after we pointed out that anybody caught bad mouthing the president's policies spends a night in the box."
A statement, which was distributed to media organizations by the American military early on Sunday, said Mr. Maliki’s words had been “misunderstood and mistranslated,” but it failed to cite specifics. "Oh, that's no problem," said Stanzel. "Where ever you see 'Obama' take it out and put in 'Bush'. The two words sound a lot alike in Arabic."
Mr. Maliki’s top political adviser, Sadiq al-Rikabi, declined to comment on the remarks, but spoke in general about the Iraqi position. “Foreign soldiers in the middle of the most populated areas are not without their side effects,” he said. “Shouldn’t we look to an end for this unhealthy situation?”
"I got your 'side effects' right here," said Stanzel.
Asked for a reaction to Maliki's statement, representatives of the Obama campaign just laughed and laughed and laughed. Later, McCain campaign headquarters put out a statement saying that while he disagreed with Obama on middle east policy, he was changing his policy to reflect Obama's position.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
Frequent readers of this blog recognize the necessity of lowered expectations...er...we mean recognize the name George Carney. He's sort of the overlord's overlord, embodying all those attributes and characteristics we've come to expect from those who ride out their pointless lives on the backs of innocent animals.
Mr. Carney's goal of making it through his entire life without ever once contributing anything positive to the planet, civilization or any of the myriad elements that make up this plane of existence was recently dealt a small setback.
The state’s highest court has turned down a bid by Raynham dog track owner George Carney to remove a proposed ban on greyhound racing from the November ballot. In its ruling, the Supreme Judicial Court said voters had the right to eliminate animal racing involving betting, that racing was a statewide issue, and that abolishing racing did not result in an illegal taking of Carney’s property.
Well, for those who thought Mr. Carney was going to give up an entire life based around taking things from others, be they animals, or the rubes who bet on animals, we'd just like to say, What? You think this guy is suddenly going to become Mother Teresa or something?
Actually you'd be right because it turns out Mr. Carney has suddenly become very concerned about the people who work for him.
Mr. Carney's goal of making it through his entire life without ever once contributing anything positive to the planet, civilization or any of the myriad elements that make up this plane of existence was recently dealt a small setback.
The state’s highest court has turned down a bid by Raynham dog track owner George Carney to remove a proposed ban on greyhound racing from the November ballot. In its ruling, the Supreme Judicial Court said voters had the right to eliminate animal racing involving betting, that racing was a statewide issue, and that abolishing racing did not result in an illegal taking of Carney’s property.
Well, for those who thought Mr. Carney was going to give up an entire life based around taking things from others, be they animals, or the rubes who bet on animals, we'd just like to say, What? You think this guy is suddenly going to become Mother Teresa or something?
Actually you'd be right because it turns out Mr. Carney has suddenly become very concerned about the people who work for him.
Now that Raynham Park owner George Carney has lost his court fight to block a dog racing ban his campaign will highlight the jobs that could be lost if the Raynham track and the state’s other dog track, Wonderland Greyhound Park in Revere, are shut down. "Look these people don't have any skills. Most of them are substance abusers, but heck, greyhound racing is such a dead end, loser magnet of an industry, they're all I could get. Well, that and I don't pay a living wage."
He said he plans to wait until September to start an aggressive marketing campaign because he doesn’t expect voters will pay much attention to the issue before Labor Day. "I plan to take pictures of some of my employees, particularly the ones still on parole, and distribute them around the state with the caption "Do you want this guy wandering around your neighborhood with nothing to do?'"
Whoa. That could work. We've seen some of the people who work at the dog tracks. For a long time we thought not having all your teeth was a job requirement. It isn't really, is it Fern?
Fern is quiet, sweet and loving. She was trying to climb up the curio cabinet to get to the baby dolls in them. She’s very friendly; she’s a happy girl. She’s very laid back. She likes chew bones. Fern would be fine in a working family home with well-mannered children. She loves kids, loves people. She would be fine with kids 4 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
And Another Similarity: They Both Had White Mommas
OK, we have run across some pretty weird stuff crawling around out here in the Internet toobz. Usually after a few Stolis, but that's beside the point. Just for fun try a Google search on "Possum grits" and you'll see what we mean. Or you could go straight to the liquor cabinet and cut out the middle man.
Anyway, we bring this up because of all the bizarre things that have appeared on our computer screen, this has to be one of the bizarrest.
The McCain campaign is taking their effort to distance their candidate from the unpopular President Bush to a whole new level: McCain's advisers are saying that Barack Obama is the one who is like Bush on the war!
We'll pause here a moment just to let that sink in, or until your head stops spinning.
Feeling better? OK, take a large drink because here's their reason:
"I think the American people have had enough of inflexibility and stubbornness in national security policy," McCain foreign policy adviser Randy Scheunemann said. When asked later by the Huffington Post's Sam Stein whether the campaign was disparaging President Bush, Scheunemann dug in: "We cannot afford to replace one administration that refused for too long to acknowledge failure in Iraq with a candidate that refuses to acknowledge success in Iraq."
Now, for those of you who haven't run screaming into the night, let's parse this little disquisition.
Premise one: President Bush is inflexible and stubborn because he looks at Iraq and sees only success where there is really failure.
Premise two: Senator Obama is inflexible and stubborn because he looks at the same Iraq and sees only failure where there is really success.
Conclusion: Senator Obama is like President Bush.
Well, except that he's a flip flopper.
This concludes our logic lesson for the day. The bar is now open.
Anyway, we bring this up because of all the bizarre things that have appeared on our computer screen, this has to be one of the bizarrest.
The McCain campaign is taking their effort to distance their candidate from the unpopular President Bush to a whole new level: McCain's advisers are saying that Barack Obama is the one who is like Bush on the war!
We'll pause here a moment just to let that sink in, or until your head stops spinning.
Feeling better? OK, take a large drink because here's their reason:
"I think the American people have had enough of inflexibility and stubbornness in national security policy," McCain foreign policy adviser Randy Scheunemann said. When asked later by the Huffington Post's Sam Stein whether the campaign was disparaging President Bush, Scheunemann dug in: "We cannot afford to replace one administration that refused for too long to acknowledge failure in Iraq with a candidate that refuses to acknowledge success in Iraq."
Now, for those of you who haven't run screaming into the night, let's parse this little disquisition.
Premise one: President Bush is inflexible and stubborn because he looks at Iraq and sees only success where there is really failure.
Premise two: Senator Obama is inflexible and stubborn because he looks at the same Iraq and sees only failure where there is really success.
Conclusion: Senator Obama is like President Bush.
Well, except that he's a flip flopper.
This concludes our logic lesson for the day. The bar is now open.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
We Welcome Our Chinese Overlords
Over the last seven years or so, we here in the marbled halls of IM Central have had occasion to remark on the fact that our elected officials, or in this case the Bush administration has, in certain situations, and on particular occasions, when given the opportunity to be forthright and above board with the American public, instead chose to lie their scrawny white booties off.
We point this out, not from any sense of malice, or desire to malign what has perhaps been the most corrupt, inefficient, dishonest, inept, despotic, unscrupulous, dishonorable, unprincipled, unethical, amoral, untrustworthy, venal, underhanded, double-dealing, nefarious, crooked, shady and sleazy administration since Caligula.
Did we mention incompetent?
But that's not our point. Today Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress that troubled mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are in "no danger of failing."
Which of course means that within a year we'll all be living in the back of our SUV's and cooking road kill squirrel over a fire started with what's left of our retirement portfolios.
And those are the lucky ones, so how does Chairman Bernanke explain the approaching extinction level tsunami of debt about to wash over our financial system? Let's listen in:
The two mortgage giants are "adequately capitalized," Bernanke said. However, "weakness of market confidence is having an effect" on the companies, making it difficult for them to raise capital.
Umm...Chairman sir? If Freddie and Fannie are 'adequately capitalized' why do they need to raise even more capital?
The companies' shares have plunged as losses from their mortgage holdings threatened their financial survival.
Ah. Well, thank you sir. A follow up: Would it be possible for you to keep the banks open long enough for us to get down there and get our money out?
"We will work our way through these financial storms," Bernanke said. "Who gets thrown over the side?" How long before we hear a splash? Is there a bottom?" Representative Emanuel Cleaver asked, stuffing papers in his briefcase and instructing his aides to bring the car around.
Gentleman? Speaking of splash, we're concerned that...um...certain members of the crew...say the entire middle class, might end up as jetsam if you get our drift.
Caught between risky cross currents of plodding growth and rising inflation, Fed policymakers are facing "significant challenges" as they try to find a way to right the economy, Bernanke told lawmakers. "And by 'significant challenge' we mean in a couple of years this country is going to make Thunderdome look like a meeting of the Ladies Axillary."
"I think conditions clearly call for a second flailing, ineffective, desperate attempt to stave off disaster," said Representative Barney Frank, chairman of the Financial Services panel. "Let's send everyone enough money to move to Belize."
Bernanke said it was a "bit premature" to go that route just yet but he didn't rule out such a course of action. He repeated his belief that the most important action Congress could take was to shore up the front entrance and bar the windows. It's difficult to chart a course when you're drunk most of the day, Bernanke said. "Do you have any contacts in Belmopan?"
Over the rest of this year, the economy will grow "appreciably below its trend rate" Bernanke said. "And by 'appreciably below its trend rate' I mean weasels will feast on the entrails of the old and infirm left by the road as families dissolve into roving bands of scavengers."
On the bright side, shorter lines at the unemployment office. Watch out for the gunfire though.
We point this out, not from any sense of malice, or desire to malign what has perhaps been the most corrupt, inefficient, dishonest, inept, despotic, unscrupulous, dishonorable, unprincipled, unethical, amoral, untrustworthy, venal, underhanded, double-dealing, nefarious, crooked, shady and sleazy administration since Caligula.
Did we mention incompetent?
But that's not our point. Today Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke told Congress that troubled mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are in "no danger of failing."
Which of course means that within a year we'll all be living in the back of our SUV's and cooking road kill squirrel over a fire started with what's left of our retirement portfolios.
And those are the lucky ones, so how does Chairman Bernanke explain the approaching extinction level tsunami of debt about to wash over our financial system? Let's listen in:
The two mortgage giants are "adequately capitalized," Bernanke said. However, "weakness of market confidence is having an effect" on the companies, making it difficult for them to raise capital.
Umm...Chairman sir? If Freddie and Fannie are 'adequately capitalized' why do they need to raise even more capital?
The companies' shares have plunged as losses from their mortgage holdings threatened their financial survival.
Ah. Well, thank you sir. A follow up: Would it be possible for you to keep the banks open long enough for us to get down there and get our money out?
"We will work our way through these financial storms," Bernanke said. "Who gets thrown over the side?" How long before we hear a splash? Is there a bottom?" Representative Emanuel Cleaver asked, stuffing papers in his briefcase and instructing his aides to bring the car around.
Gentleman? Speaking of splash, we're concerned that...um...certain members of the crew...say the entire middle class, might end up as jetsam if you get our drift.
Caught between risky cross currents of plodding growth and rising inflation, Fed policymakers are facing "significant challenges" as they try to find a way to right the economy, Bernanke told lawmakers. "And by 'significant challenge' we mean in a couple of years this country is going to make Thunderdome look like a meeting of the Ladies Axillary."
"I think conditions clearly call for a second flailing, ineffective, desperate attempt to stave off disaster," said Representative Barney Frank, chairman of the Financial Services panel. "Let's send everyone enough money to move to Belize."
Bernanke said it was a "bit premature" to go that route just yet but he didn't rule out such a course of action. He repeated his belief that the most important action Congress could take was to shore up the front entrance and bar the windows. It's difficult to chart a course when you're drunk most of the day, Bernanke said. "Do you have any contacts in Belmopan?"
Over the rest of this year, the economy will grow "appreciably below its trend rate" Bernanke said. "And by 'appreciably below its trend rate' I mean weasels will feast on the entrails of the old and infirm left by the road as families dissolve into roving bands of scavengers."
On the bright side, shorter lines at the unemployment office. Watch out for the gunfire though.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Let Me Excoriate Some Of My Econolectical Stratifications
Ruh Ro. This can't be good. El Presidente waxes eloquent on the 'conomy.
President Bush urged lawmakers to move quickly in putting into force legislation designed to help prop up mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while declaring the nation's financial system to be "basically sound." When asked why a 'basically sound' system would need to be propped up as soon as possible, the president replied "because the 'sound' it's making is AIIIIIEEEE!!!!"
Bush said the two troubled mortgage companies play a central role in the nation's housing-finance system and that government action to help them were not bailouts, since the two would remain shareholder-owned companies. When asked what shareholder ownership had to do with the bailout Bush responded that the shareholders wouldn't have to bear the cost of the non-bailout. "Patriotic American taxpayers will step up to help," he said.
He also called on the Democratic-run Congress to follow his example and lift a ban on offshore drilling to help increase domestic oil production. "I readily concede it won't produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it will reverse the psychology," Bush told reporters. "Nothing will cheer consumers more than thinking 'Gee, gas is over four dollars a gallon now, but if we drill off shore in ten years it will be $3.98.'"
Amid soaring gas prices, the toughest real estate market in decades, falling home prices and financing that's harder to come by, Bush said: "It's been a difficult time for many whinny American families. Nobody I know is complaining."
President Bush urged lawmakers to move quickly in putting into force legislation designed to help prop up mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac while declaring the nation's financial system to be "basically sound." When asked why a 'basically sound' system would need to be propped up as soon as possible, the president replied "because the 'sound' it's making is AIIIIIEEEE!!!!"
Bush said the two troubled mortgage companies play a central role in the nation's housing-finance system and that government action to help them were not bailouts, since the two would remain shareholder-owned companies. When asked what shareholder ownership had to do with the bailout Bush responded that the shareholders wouldn't have to bear the cost of the non-bailout. "Patriotic American taxpayers will step up to help," he said.
He also called on the Democratic-run Congress to follow his example and lift a ban on offshore drilling to help increase domestic oil production. "I readily concede it won't produce a barrel of oil tomorrow, but it will reverse the psychology," Bush told reporters. "Nothing will cheer consumers more than thinking 'Gee, gas is over four dollars a gallon now, but if we drill off shore in ten years it will be $3.98.'"
Amid soaring gas prices, the toughest real estate market in decades, falling home prices and financing that's harder to come by, Bush said: "It's been a difficult time for many whinny American families. Nobody I know is complaining."
But he also said that the nation's economy continues to grow, if slowly. When asked to explain, Bush said he had discovered that "if you just turn the chart upside down, all indications are positive. See, that's how you reconjugate the ecometric mental reception and bring stabilisity to our fissile situation. I took economicals in college."
Friday, July 11, 2008
Friday Hound Blogging
A couple of weeks ago we told you how the overlords in Tucson had struck back against people with scruples by bringing the full weight of the legal system down on one Karyn Zoldan because she had the temerity to suggest that just because dogs were disappearing, dying (PDF) and just generally being neglected they weren't being cared for with all the commitment and affection we've come to expect from their exploiters.
You just can't satisfy some people.
Well, this week the overlords have found a spokesperson whose expertise and experience should, once and for all, put this controversy to rest. Meet Dr. Paul Pullen, track veterinarian and night watchman. Lay it on us Dr. P:
Capri is highly intelligent & adaptable. Her first night in a home, she took herself up the stairs, without having seen anyone do it first! She is very sweet, loving, quiet and easygoing. She will tap you with her foot to get your attention. She likes to play in the snow when the weather is not too cold. When you rub her belly, she touches you with her front paw to encourage you to keep going. Capri would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs of various sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
You just can't satisfy some people.
Well, this week the overlords have found a spokesperson whose expertise and experience should, once and for all, put this controversy to rest. Meet Dr. Paul Pullen, track veterinarian and night watchman. Lay it on us Dr. P:
An initiative to regulate greyhound racing in South Tucson is based on misinformation and emotion rather than fact.So those dogs really aren't dead? The Racing Commission wasn't really investigating the track? The Iraqis really did have WMD's?
No one should be deceived; this measure is not really about animal welfare. It's actually an effort by animal-rights activists to regulate a business out of existence.Then shouldn't they be called Business-rights activists?
Ballot proponents claim that greyhounds need more exercise and outdoor time. This is simply not the case. Greyhounds do not have a high need for constant exercise; they are widely recognized as "couch potatoes" who are content to lay quietly for hours in their cratesThey have couches in their crates? Boy we have been misinformed.
The proposed rule regarding meat fed to greyhounds is another bogus idea. Greyhounds have no difficulty digesting 4D meat; if they did, no rational person would feed it to them, since it would interfere with the greyhound's ability to perform at the track.Hmmm...must have been sleeping in class the day they talked about Shiga toxin-producing Escherichia coli (STEC) and cutaneous and renal glomerular vasculopathy of greyhounds [CRVG].
Prohibiting the administration of steroids to prevent heat cycles also is misguided. There is no evidence that female greyhounds have suffered any serious long-term harm from this practice.Of course the fact that you kill a lot of them before they get old could have something to do with that.
There's another aspect of this proposal to consider. If activists succeed in regulating greyhound tracks out of existence, what other businesses will be next?That's right folks. If they make the overlords start treating animals with respect and decency what's next? Gay rights? Is that the kind of country you want to live in? Why do you hate America Capri?
Capri is highly intelligent & adaptable. Her first night in a home, she took herself up the stairs, without having seen anyone do it first! She is very sweet, loving, quiet and easygoing. She will tap you with her foot to get your attention. She likes to play in the snow when the weather is not too cold. When you rub her belly, she touches you with her front paw to encourage you to keep going. Capri would do well in a working family home with older, well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs of various sizes and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Dr. Pangloss Joins The McSame Campaign
In high school, our PE instructor was also the football and wrestling coach. Additionally, he taught the "Health" classes to the guys which is where we got most of our sexual hangups, but that's another story. His approach to physical education was, not to put too fine a point upon it, rather old school, Neanderthalian to be honest. Forty five minutes of push ups, sit ups, squat thrusts and assorted other joint jarring, tendon stretching, muscle bruising machinations followed by a quick mile or mile and a half run was the epitome of best practice PE pedagogy in his view. He would deal with the occasional tearful breakdown, exhausted collapse or seizure with the inspirational call to reach deep inside of ourselves and discover our true potential: "Suck it up," he would say. Well, bellow actually. We never did hear him speak in a normal conversational voice, even when getting lunch in the cafeteria. "Suck it up," and the walls in the gym would vibrate. "The pain is only in your head."
We tell you this by way of introducing Phil Gramm, who is to economic policy what the old coach was to educational theory.
Phil Gramm, a former Texas senator, said he expects Mr. McCain to inherit a sluggish economy if he wins the presidency, weighed down above all by the conviction of many Americans that economic conditions are the worst in two or three decades and that America is in decline.
"Conviction." That's something that's just in your head right? See where he's going with this?
"You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession," he said.
Well, something is definitely "mental" around here.
"We have sort of become a nation of whiners," he said. "You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline," he said.
Yeah. So those of you who lost your houses in the 53% increase in foreclosures last month, suck it up, the pain is only in your head.
And the 438,000 of you who've lost your jobs so far this year, not to mention those of you who will lose your jobs before Christmas, suck it up, the pain is only in your head.
Buncha Nancyboys.
Mr. Gramm said the constant drubbing of the media on the economy's problems is one reason people have lost confidence.
Oh now where getting to it. Those pesky reporters. What are they doing telling people gas is over four bucks a gallon. What are they doing telling people the price of food is going up and will continue to go up? What are they doing telling people those 3000 square foot homes out there in Buckingham Village Estates their mortgage broker talked them into when they only wanted that little ranch over on the south side are now worth doodly? Oh, and by the way, that $500 initial monthly mortgage payment? It's $5500 a month now. Pay up please.
"Misery sells newspapers," Mr. Gramm said. "Thank God the economy is not as bad as you read in the newspaper every day."
Darn straight. If it wasn't for the newspapers when all your neighbors moved away you wouldn't know it was because their houses were foreclosed, you'd think it was just something you said. When you lost your job you wouldn't know people all over the country were also losing theirs, you'd think you were just not suited for the position.
So, while you and your family are sitting in your refrigerator box out behind the strip mall that closed last May, trying to decide if you should put your last five bucks in the minivan so you can drive down to the unemployment office, or buy a package of Ding Dongs for dinner, just remember Senator Gramm's advice: Suck it up, the pain is only in your head.
We tell you this by way of introducing Phil Gramm, who is to economic policy what the old coach was to educational theory.
Phil Gramm, a former Texas senator, said he expects Mr. McCain to inherit a sluggish economy if he wins the presidency, weighed down above all by the conviction of many Americans that economic conditions are the worst in two or three decades and that America is in decline.
"Conviction." That's something that's just in your head right? See where he's going with this?
"You've heard of mental depression; this is a mental recession," he said.
Well, something is definitely "mental" around here.
"We have sort of become a nation of whiners," he said. "You just hear this constant whining, complaining about a loss of competitiveness, America in decline," he said.
Yeah. So those of you who lost your houses in the 53% increase in foreclosures last month, suck it up, the pain is only in your head.
And the 438,000 of you who've lost your jobs so far this year, not to mention those of you who will lose your jobs before Christmas, suck it up, the pain is only in your head.
Buncha Nancyboys.
Mr. Gramm said the constant drubbing of the media on the economy's problems is one reason people have lost confidence.
Oh now where getting to it. Those pesky reporters. What are they doing telling people gas is over four bucks a gallon. What are they doing telling people the price of food is going up and will continue to go up? What are they doing telling people those 3000 square foot homes out there in Buckingham Village Estates their mortgage broker talked them into when they only wanted that little ranch over on the south side are now worth doodly? Oh, and by the way, that $500 initial monthly mortgage payment? It's $5500 a month now. Pay up please.
"Misery sells newspapers," Mr. Gramm said. "Thank God the economy is not as bad as you read in the newspaper every day."
Darn straight. If it wasn't for the newspapers when all your neighbors moved away you wouldn't know it was because their houses were foreclosed, you'd think it was just something you said. When you lost your job you wouldn't know people all over the country were also losing theirs, you'd think you were just not suited for the position.
So, while you and your family are sitting in your refrigerator box out behind the strip mall that closed last May, trying to decide if you should put your last five bucks in the minivan so you can drive down to the unemployment office, or buy a package of Ding Dongs for dinner, just remember Senator Gramm's advice: Suck it up, the pain is only in your head.
Wednesday, July 09, 2008
BREAKING: People Who Own Pets Like People Who Own Pets
You know, we are seldom surprised at the lengths the people who pass themselves off as reporters will go to avoid writing about issues that, actually, you know, mean something. After all, explaining complicated, issues; helping readers see the connection between often obscure policies and their day to day lives; and giving context and structure to world events is...well...hard. Besides, it takes time away from going to barbecues, and sharing donuts. It's just easier to let the person you're supposed to interview suggest the questions you should ask anyway. That way everyone is happy and what the public don't know won't hurt them, right?
(Eds: Yes we are aware of the irony of using the media to condemn the media. It is, as we have so often said, Ironicus at its Maximus)
With that in mind, you can understand our sense of ennui when we opened today's fish wrapper and found this:
If the presidential election were up to pet owners, John McCain could have a blue ribbon in his future. He has a veritable menagerie, including Sam the English springer spaniel, Coco the mutt, turtles Cuff and Link, Oreo the black and white cat, a ferret, three parakeets and a bunch of saltwater fish. Democratic candidate Barack Obama, on the other hand, doesn’t have a pet.
"I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person — caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners," said Janet Taylor of Plymouth, Mass. "Which is why I voted for Bush twice. OK, I could be wrong about that."
The poll found 47 percent of whites own dogs, compared with just 24 percent of blacks. Whites tend to favor McCain, while blacks overwhelmingly favor Obama. "Of course since owning a pet costs money and blacks are three times more likely to be living in poverty than whites, (PDF) that could be a reason too," said a spokesperson for the company that did the polling. "We didn't consider that as important as the cat/dog breakdown though."
The AP-Yahoo News poll is part of an ongoing study that tracks the attitudes and opinions of a group of more than 2,000 Americans to see how their political views evolve over the course of the election campaign.
When asked what owning a pet had to do with political views a spokesperson for the AP conceded it "didn't mean much. But have you tried to understand the FISA bill? What do you think we are, Einsteins?"
We had a dog named Einstein once. He enjoyed licking his own balls.
(Eds: Yes we are aware of the irony of using the media to condemn the media. It is, as we have so often said, Ironicus at its Maximus)
With that in mind, you can understand our sense of ennui when we opened today's fish wrapper and found this:
If the presidential election were up to pet owners, John McCain could have a blue ribbon in his future. He has a veritable menagerie, including Sam the English springer spaniel, Coco the mutt, turtles Cuff and Link, Oreo the black and white cat, a ferret, three parakeets and a bunch of saltwater fish. Democratic candidate Barack Obama, on the other hand, doesn’t have a pet.
"I think a person who owns a pet is a more compassionate person — caring, giving, trustworthy. I like pet owners," said Janet Taylor of Plymouth, Mass. "Which is why I voted for Bush twice. OK, I could be wrong about that."
The poll found 47 percent of whites own dogs, compared with just 24 percent of blacks. Whites tend to favor McCain, while blacks overwhelmingly favor Obama. "Of course since owning a pet costs money and blacks are three times more likely to be living in poverty than whites, (PDF) that could be a reason too," said a spokesperson for the company that did the polling. "We didn't consider that as important as the cat/dog breakdown though."
The AP-Yahoo News poll is part of an ongoing study that tracks the attitudes and opinions of a group of more than 2,000 Americans to see how their political views evolve over the course of the election campaign.
When asked what owning a pet had to do with political views a spokesperson for the AP conceded it "didn't mean much. But have you tried to understand the FISA bill? What do you think we are, Einsteins?"
We had a dog named Einstein once. He enjoyed licking his own balls.
Tuesday, July 08, 2008
Seeing A Pattern Here?
We're coming to you from the Freudian Slip Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. FS is a wholly owed subsidy of the Nothing To See Here Corporation, in partnership with Never Mind The Man Behind The Curtain LLC.
An embarrassed White House apologized for an "unfortunate mistake" — the distribution of less-than-flattering biography of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi.
The biography described Berlusconi as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice."
"Well, in our defense, that's more a slam against Italy than Berlusconi," White House spokesman Tony Fratto said. Tony Fratto is also Italian, so that helps too.
The biography said Berlusconi burst onto the political scene with no experience and used his "vast network of media holdings" to finance his campaign on a promise to "purge the notoriously lackadaisical Italian government of corruption."
"Again, that's more a dig on Italy," Fratto said. "I want to make perfectly clear that, like our president, even though Berlesconi's been charged with just about every act of corruption and malfeasance you can think of, he's never been convicted. That's why he's one of the Mr. Bush's heroes."
It was just last month that Berlusconi welcomed Bush to Rome, calling him "a personal friend of mine and also a great friend of rich people." And Bush responded then: "You're right. We're good friends. Just Like Batman and Robin."
More like Adolf and Benito but why quibble?
The biography went on to say that Berlusconi was appointed to the prime minister's office in 1994, "however, he and his fellow Forza Italia Party leaders soon found themselves accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate."
"The important thing is he said he'd end corruption," Fratto told reporters. "Just like we said we'd win in Iraq, fix New Orleans, improve the economy and protect the environment. It's all in the delivery, see? That's politics."
Later, Bush was overhead to say he thought Genghis Khan had been misunderstood.
An embarrassed White House apologized for an "unfortunate mistake" — the distribution of less-than-flattering biography of Italian Premier Silvio Berlusconi.
The biography described Berlusconi as one of the "most controversial leaders in the history of a country known for government corruption and vice."
"Well, in our defense, that's more a slam against Italy than Berlusconi," White House spokesman Tony Fratto said. Tony Fratto is also Italian, so that helps too.
The biography said Berlusconi burst onto the political scene with no experience and used his "vast network of media holdings" to finance his campaign on a promise to "purge the notoriously lackadaisical Italian government of corruption."
"Again, that's more a dig on Italy," Fratto said. "I want to make perfectly clear that, like our president, even though Berlesconi's been charged with just about every act of corruption and malfeasance you can think of, he's never been convicted. That's why he's one of the Mr. Bush's heroes."
It was just last month that Berlusconi welcomed Bush to Rome, calling him "a personal friend of mine and also a great friend of rich people." And Bush responded then: "You're right. We're good friends. Just Like Batman and Robin."
More like Adolf and Benito but why quibble?
The biography went on to say that Berlusconi was appointed to the prime minister's office in 1994, "however, he and his fellow Forza Italia Party leaders soon found themselves accused of the very corruption he had vowed to eradicate."
"The important thing is he said he'd end corruption," Fratto told reporters. "Just like we said we'd win in Iraq, fix New Orleans, improve the economy and protect the environment. It's all in the delivery, see? That's politics."
Later, Bush was overhead to say he thought Genghis Khan had been misunderstood.
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