Thursday, August 21, 2008

Now Can I Have A Legacy?

We're coming to you from the Toby Keith wing here in the marbled halls of IM Central today. We're down here to collect some patriotic accouterments to send off to Senator Barak HUSSEIN Osamabama. See, we're just a little tired of this defeatocrat trying to lose the Iraq war for us just so he can get elected, so we've decided to help him become a patriotic American by plastering himself and his car with Uncle Sam swag. Let's see, we've got laminated copies of the Pledge of Allegiance complete with the phrase "Under God" thankyouverymuch, Support the Troops car magnets in several different styles, a wallet size copy of the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner with the second verse, (yeah, there is one and it doesn't go Dododo Do Do Do Da Dada Da DaDaDa) and American Flag lapel pins. Oops. Forget those.

We figure if we can get Osamabama to ramp up his patriotism, sort of like this guy, then he'll quit talking about ending the war in Iraq, or at least quit talking about timetables, which as we all know, is a sure way to guarantee another attack right in our own living rooms, probably during the finals of American Idol. We mean come on, president Bush may have trouble speaking without biting his own tongue, but there is one thing he's made clear: No timetables.

U.S. and Iraqi negotiators reached agreement on a security deal that calls for American military forces to leave Iraq's cities by next summer as a prelude to a full withdrawal of combat troops from the country, according to senior American officials.

Right. See if only Osamabama had Bush's strength of character and leadership qualities to stay the course in Iraq we wouldn't need to be talking about cutting and running and we'd be all like 100 years in Iraq? Semper Fi Motherf...wait. What?

The draft agreement sets 2011 as the goal date by which U.S. combat troops will leave Iraq, according to Iraqi Deputy Foreign Minister Mohammed al-Haj Humood and other people familiar with the matter.

Oh. Whew! You had us worried there for a minute. The Iraqis are talking about a withdrawal timetable. Pfffft. Who listens to them?

Senior officials in Washington said the talks have concluded. "The talking is done," one U.S. official said. "Now the decision makers choose whether to give it a thumbs up or a thumbs down."

OK, still not worried. Every time president Bush tries to do a thumbs up he pokes himself in the eye.

President George W. Bush is almost certain to accept the agreement, according to U.S. officials and Pentagon aides have already been dispatched to the White house with the presidential goggles.

Rats. Wait, this could work. Osamabama's been campaigning on ending the war, so if Bush ends the war, Osamabama won't have anything to campaign on and McCain will get elected. Then he can start a new war with Iran which is what Bush wanted all along. (You're off by one key on the typewriter and the next thing you know you're blowing up the wrong country. Dang temps!)

The situation is more complicated in Iraq. The draft agreement must be approved by several layers of Iraqi political leaders. Several members of Mr. Maliki's cabinet have voiced opposition to elements of the deal and as a result were allowed to see their relatives in US custody.

The security deal came together after the Bush administration bailed on several long-held positions. The White House abandoned its stance over a pullout date after it became clear that there were no WMD's in the country. "It's mission accomplished for us," said one Pentagon aide. "So we're ready to head home. And by 'home' I mean Afghanistan."

General David Petraeus, the top American commander here, said in an interview that the U.S. already was focusing on turning control of the country over to Iraqis. "We have to let go, and we're not reluctant to do that. And the Iraqis are not reluctant to take control," General Petraeus said. "Maliki told me he thought the Iraqi government should be in control of Iraq, and I'm all like, 'Dude, why didn't you just say so.'"

But the general added that no one is "giving each other high-fives." Although extremist groups such as al Qaeda in Iraq and rogue Shiite militias have been weakened, he said, they could gain strength again. "We managed to blow up most of the country and kill thousands of innocent people, but we didn't get the guys we came here after. Well, take the wheat with the chaff, know what I mean?"

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