Our Military Can Blow Up Countries, Lay Waste To Whole Civilizations, But It Is Powerless Against Teh Gay

OK, we have to admit we've never been too frightened by Teh Gayz. Sure we heard the stories about Gay Ninjas slipping into your house at night and infecting your children with Teh Totally Awesome, Irresistible Gay Virus, making them care about things like the color wheel and wool versus cotton, but there was always something about those stories that rang a little false: for instance, would any card carrying Gay actually go out in black pajamas?

And when it came to Gays in the military we were pretty certain that if someone was trying to blow you up, you'd be more concerned with the marksmanship capabilities of the fellow next to you than whether he prefers Giorgio Valentini to Belvest Dupioni.

Turns out we were mistaken, and the reason we're losing in Iraq, the housing crisis, global warming and those damn Yankees going on another winning streak are all the fault of those who aspire to be our homoerotic overlords.

Don't ask, don't tell. And, whatever you do, don't ask Elaine Donnelly to tell you what she thinks about gays in the military. "Gays!!! BAWK!!! They're Everywhere!! EEEK!!," Donnelly burst out as she was being sworn in. "EEEK!! Get Them Off Me!! Get Them Off Me!!! AIIIEEEE!!

After a short recess in which Ms. Donnelly's medication was adjusted, she returned.

Donnelly warned of "transgenders in the military." She warned that lesbians would take pictures of people in the shower. She spoke ominously of gays spreading "HIV positivity" through the ranks.

Transgenders? Aren't those the aliens that are always kidnapping trailer park residents? And as for lesbians taking pictures, umm, are those posted anywhere? Just want to evaluate the evidence is all. And as for "HIV positivity," well everyone already knows Gays spread that by getting otherwise heterosexual young men and women to drink Velvet Hammers. (They're Homolicious!)

Her written statement added warnings about "inappropriate passive/aggressive actions common in the homosexual community," the prospects of "forcible sodomy" and "exotic forms of sexual expression," and the case of "a group of black lesbians who decided to gang-assault" a fellow soldier.

Man. Sounds like one of those Women in Prison movies. Not that we're all that familiar with the genre. Er...the "exotic forms of sexual expression though," could you be more specific Ms. Donnely? And please take your time. don't leave anything out. Are there any...umm....pictoral exhibits?

Representative Vic Snyder labeled her statement "just bonkers" and "dumb," and he called her claims about an HIV menace "inappropriate." Said Snyder: "By this analysis . . . we ought to recruit only lesbians for the military, because they have the lowest incidence of HIV in the country."

And the shower pictures. Don't forget about the shower pictures.

Representative Chris Shays pointed a finger at retired Navy Captain Joan Darrah, a lesbian and glared at Donnelly. "Would you please tell me, Miss Donnelly, why I should give one twit about this woman's sexual orientation, when it didn't interfere one bit with her service?" Donnelly said something about "forced intimacy."

"You mean like the kind your husband has with you," Shays said. At that point several members of the panel and quite a few people in the audience all said "Oh no he Di Nit!"

Donnelly, severe in a black jacket with a flag pin on her lapel and her breasts taped down so she "wouldn't turn on the lesbos" attacked the "San Francisco left who want to impose their agenda on the military." She spoke of the "devastating" effect gay soldiers would have on the military and said "people who do have religious convictions" would be driven out of the military by the "sexualized atmosphere."

"Many times I have walked through barracks and see our boys reading their bibles, playing checkers or writing letters home to their sweethearts," she told the committee. "I would hate to see all that lost."

Donnelly explained "absolutely devastating" effect of homosexuals "introducing erotic factors" and made a comparison to Sen. Larry Craig's adventure at the Minneapolis airport. She said admitting gays to the military would be "forced cohabitation" and a policy of "relax and enjoy it."

"Me thinks she doth protest too much," Shays said. "You in the closet here, or what?" Ms. Donnely replied that Hearing Room was very warm and she wondered if Captain Darrah "would like to continue the debate over drinks at Phase 1."