I Had A Flat Tire On The Way To Work Today So Obama Is A Socialist

A while back we reported to you what we felt was the most stupid thing ever said by a human being at any time anywhere all throughout history. Today, while perusing the stacks over at Ed's place we ran across a little piece of verbal effluent that, at first, made us think we might have to reopen the stupid category. To wit:


From Fox News' Brian Kilmeade:

KILMEADE: The President took a matter of hours to pick a commander in Afghanistan so why is it taking months to plug the leaking oil?

Now, we said at first we thought we'd found a topper for congressman Barton, but then we noticed the quote had rattled out from one of the empty craniums at Fox News. For those of you keeping score at home, Fox News is kind of the headquarters for channeling the six degrees of connection between Obama and Hitler. Or Stalin. Give them any word, or issue or event, or alignment of the stars and within fifteen minutes they will have free associated themselves to a link between it and  why Obama is a socialist, fascist, Muslim poopy head who is going to take away your guns and turn them on you to make you gay marry an illegal immigrant. This is a conscious effort on their part for which we are sure some sort of training is necessary. Or blunt force trauma, but the result is the same.

Now, poor congressman Barton is an world class rube to be sure, but, unlike his compatriots at Fox News, he is unpolished, and undisciplined. Perhaps a natural talent with potential, but at present his total lack of intellect is unfocused and untrained. The bottom line is, it's Fox News' job to say insane things about Obama, whereas congressman Barton comes by his eye popping, jaw dropping rants naturally due to his unmedicated state. At Fox News, eye popping, jaw dropping rants are part of the business plan. Therefore, comparing any inanity that issues forth from the congressman's mouth with the mass produced paranoia at Fox is comparing apples to castles in the sky.

There's also the matter of history. See, "Fox News" has been with us since the dawn of the republic. They go back through groups like the Tea Baggers, the Birchers, the Klan, the Know Nothings, South Carolinians in general, all the way back to the time of  the Aurora and, what may have been the first Glen Beck, James Callender.

The difference is back then it took a lot more effort to get your craziness out to the public. You had to actually write stuff down, organize it, set it in type, and on and on. Today all Brian Kilmeade has to do is get up in the morning, open his mouth and share the stupid with millions of like minded simpletons. More efficient, yes, but something has been lost, something is missing. Some of the panache has gone out of insanity these days, you know? Callender wrote, History of the United States for 1796 which was basically the story of Alexander Hamilton boinking Maria Reynolds. Think of the audacity, man, the pure wild-eyed, spittle flecked impudence of it all! The man wrote an entire book purportedly about the history of the whole United States for the year 1796, but really it was just about where Hamilton was swinging his schlong! That's not slander, dude, that's effort. That's commitment. That's insanity as performance art.

Today the best the Howdy Doodys at Fox can do is just keep talking until some connection between Obama and something bad falls out.

Ahh. Where's Ignatius Donnelly when we need him?

Let's Get Some Serious Rendering Unto Caesar Up In Here

Holy crap! The fuzz busted one of Ratzi's crew. Well, the fuzz in Belgium. Is that even a country? We thought it was a suburb of France. Or Latvia. Anyway, we here at IM Central applaud this brave act by the men and women of law enforcement--which of course condemns them to an eternity in the fiery pit. Or Alabama. Same diff.

And you best be laying in a supply of that asbestos underwear pretty soon there Belgium, because we're betting the popester is about to thump his pope stick three times,  mumbo the magic jumbo and drop a dime on your scrawny crime and punishment buttocks. Are we right Father Prada?

Pope Benedict XVI accused Belgian police of "deplorable methods" in raiding a bishops' meeting as part of a paedophilia probe.

"Deplorable." That's holy code for "Hope you like locusts." In fact we're a little surprised Big Dog...er...excuse us. Canis Maximus. We read somewhere that the pope always addresses the boss in Latin. Kind of  makes explaining why the troops won't stop boinking the altar boys a little less, you know, perverted. Anyway, we were saying we were kind of wondering why Canis Maximus hasn't unleashed some serious wrath on these semi-French, baguette eating heathens already. We're sure the pope has been all like, "Dude, can't you do something about those peckerheads?"

"I want to express... my closeness and solidarity in this moment of sadness, in which, with certain surprising and deplorable methods, searches were carried out including in the Mechelen cathedral and in the premises where the Belgian episcopate was meeting in plenary session," the pope said.

 "Meeting in plenary session," huh? So that's what the padres are calling it these days. Also didn't know the Mechelen cathedral was clothing optional.

Well, we'd just like to say that if you live in Belgium, or, since his omnipotence seems a trifle near sighted, anywhere in Europe, we'd suggest a visit to your long lost uncle Pierre in Australia because when old Yaweh gets his smite on it's Katy bar the door and hide the good silverware.

Good thing nothing like that could happen in this country. Over here it's like a get out of jail free card if you flock with Peter's gang. Almost wrote that wrong, but the point is in America  NAMBLA is fine as long as there a Father in front of it. Wait, what?

The U.S. Supreme Court refused to consider a case on whether the Vatican has immunity over the sexual abuse of minors by priests, allowing a lawsuit filed in 2002 to go forward.

Crap, crap and double crap. Hey uncle Pierre, you got any space left in the guestroom?

Friday Hound Blogging

We here at Ironicus Maximus World Headquarters want you to know that we continually strive to uphold the highest levels of respect, politeness and common decency in regards to those who appear as subjects in this blog space.

Well, except when we don't, which is most of the time, but the point is we say we do, much like republicans say they are for  family values, the sacredness of marriage, honesty, justice for all, and representative government.

All of which brings us to last Friday's FHB in which, as is our wont, we pointed out some of the, shall we say, less savory aspects of the greyhound exploitation industry. Well, this brought a response from commenter Mr. Anonymous who took us to task for what he saw as some inconsistencies in our position.

Oh, and by the way, it is Mr. Anonymous too. We've had this discussion already. Try and keep up people.

Back to the story.

Mr Anonymous took issue with the goals and methods of a well known group of animal rights wackos:

Grey 2 k has evidence of a worse scandals from Naples fort Myers greyhound park and Jen Krebs erased blog that gave numbers what are these people hiding? Do they only bash certain tracks are they getting paid? Don't all dogs count? Where does grey 2 k get there money? Off the backs off greyhound.

 As you might imagine this drew the attention of the aforementioned Jen Krebs who attempted to speak to Mr. Anonymous' concerns:

‘Anonymous’ -

'Evidence' is factual information we receive from state racing commissions in response to public information records requests.

An example of evidence we've received, compiled and presented in the past would be injury records from dog tracks that are required to document and report them. As a result, we’ve been able to reveal specific details on the hundreds of dogs that are seriously injured while racing, and show the dogs that have died or were killed as a result of their injuries. GREY2K USA has done this in 8 states. http://grey2kusa.org/racing/sheets.html

Florida tracks are not required to report the injuries and deaths of racing greyhounds. They are also not required to disclose how many dogs are ‘disposed of’ (read: KILLED) when they are no longer competitive.

In fact, Florida tracks have fought tooth and nail against past efforts to change the law to require such reporting.

I wonder why?

Yes, ALL of the dogs ‘count’ – to GREY2K USA.

Sadly, that’s obviously not the case for the racing industry at dog tracks in Florida, or in any other racing state.

As for the rest of the nonsense (read: LIES) -

GREY2K USA takes NO MONEY (zero, zip, zilch) from the racing industry. Never has, never will.

GREY2K USA's work is funded by donations from people who wish to see dog racing end in the United States.

 To which Mr. Anonymous replied:

grey 2 k is just another lobbyist group. How do they justify ending live dog racing in mass. But allow simulcast racing of greyhounds in there home based state? So as long as they can't physically see the dogs it's okay? But there state can still earn money off the backs off greyhounds?grey 2 k is just another lobbyist group. How do they justify ending live dog racing in mass. But allow simulcast racing of greyhounds in there home based state? So as long as they can't physically see the dogs it's okay? But there state can still earn money off the backs off greyhounds?

 It was at this point that we got involved. Now, we won't reproduce our comment here, suffice to say that it was...erm...less than flattering in its description of Mr. Anonymous' intellectual and authorial capabilities which precipitated this response:

Is that the best you bothcan do is to belittle people? I believe you both got the point or it wouldn't have bothered you. I thought this is for discussion. No, only if everyone agrees with you.

 Well, yes Mr. Anonymous, that is the best we can do because anyone who willingly participates in an activity that mistreats, injures and kills innocent living creatures for money deserves to be belittled. You sir, and those like you are a fart in the cathedral of humanity. You are a noxious effluent, a byproduct of decay. In more colloquial terms, you are a slime bucket and we say that in full awareness that by so doing we have demeaned the term slime bucket. In fact we fully expect to be contacted by representatives of the slime bucket anti-defamation league and brought to task for making such an unflattering comparison.

We have been involved in greyhound rescue for over 15 years now and we've heard every rationalization, every lie, every distortion, every bit of dissembling, transferring and projecting your vile industry has to offer in defense of its parasitic existence and the sad facts remain that you kill healthy dogs for money. And you don't care.

So yes, Mr. Anonymous you were belittled. And you will continue to be belittled because that's more than you deserve and no, belittling you won't make up for the thousands upon thousands of greyhounds who have suffered and died under your cruel stewardship, but if using public forums to draw attention to the sebaceous cyst of a so called human being you are saves one dog from your fetid clutches, that sir, is worth it.

Anything to add Slot?

Slot is very friendly, curious, confident and easy going. She is affectionate. She will poke you with her nose for attention. She likes to chew on bones. She also plays with the foster family’s dog. She will whine to communicate with you. Slot would do well in a working family with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She is good with other dogs and she would probably be fine as an only dog.  For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Other--Except In My Head

Have to admit we generally read wingnut pronouncements with what is known in polite company as a jaundiced eye. When our eyes aren't popping out of our heads with incredulity that is. We mean, the oil spill is a government plot? All righty then. Obama plotting with terrorists to attack the US? Yes, well would you like to go for a ride with the nice men in the white coats?  Obama going to end US Currency in favor of Devil Dollars?

You see the source of our...erm...hesitancy when encountering what passes for conservative thought these days. However, whilst tubing the blogosphere the other day, we ran across this.

Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-TX) took it to a new level as he approvingly quoted an article by Thomas Sowell  that likened the Obama administration's success in getting BP to set up a $20 billion escrow account to assist Gulf coast residents to something that Adolf Hitler would have done.

Now, Louis Gohmert has appeared in this blog before, so at first we were skeptical. First because Gohmert is a weapons grade buffoon, and second because we couldn't believe that Hitler would have considered an escrow fund over, say shooting people, but we're not students of history or anything, so we thought we'd see what Mr. Sowell had to say.

When Adolf Hitler was building up the Nazi movement in the 1920s, leading up to his taking power in the 1930s, he deliberately sought to activate people who did not normally pay much attention to politics.

 Umm...did you expect him to "activate" the people who normally did pay attention to politics, Mr. Sowell? Not that we're political scientists or anything, and we certainly don't mean to suggest that we're talented, experienced, sought after national commentators such as yourself, but wouldn't any politician want to reach out to people who don't normally pay attention and get them on his or her side? Swing vote and all that. Oh, sorry for interrupting. Please continue.

Just where in the Constitution of the United States does it say that a president has the authority to extract vast sums of money from a private enterprise and distribute it as he sees fit to whomever he deems worthy of compensation? Nowhere.
And yet that is precisely what is happening with a $20 billion fund to be provided by BP to compensate people harmed by their oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Ah, excuse us again Mr. Sowell. Sorry to interrupt. Just one quick comment. This was BP's idea and they've kicked it up to $50 billion. 

But the Constitution says that private property is not to be confiscated by the government without "due process of law." Technically, it has not been confiscated by Barack Obama, but that is a distinction without a difference.

Oh, sorry again. Sorry. A distinction is a difference, no? We mean, if something is distinct from something else, then it must be different somehow.  Oh wait, oh wait. We get it. Technically Obama didn't confiscate BP's money but that doesn't matter because he's still like Hitler. Ok, we see the logic there. Go on.

With vastly expanded powers of government available at the discretion of politicians and bureaucrats, private individuals and organizations can be forced into accepting the imposition of powers that were never granted to the government by the Constitution.

Whoa. When did we start talking about Bush?

Land Of The Free and Home Of The...Umm...Well Invested

We're coming to you today from the Happy Days Are Here Again Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. HDAHA is a division of the I Got Mine Corporation, a wholly owned subsidy of Vi Bry Sig Om Den Liten Folk, AG.

It seems the current recession/depression/catastrophe is abating...oh wait. This just in:

Great Recession? What recession? The world’s millionaires and billionaires — now totaling 10 million — saw their overall wealth jump 18.9 percent last year, to $39 trillion.

OK, OK, we know that looks like a rich get richer recovery, but a rising tide lifts all boats, right Mr. Reagan?

Oops. Mr. Reagan, he daid.

Meanwhile, 903,000 people jobless through no fault of their own have missed unemployment checks and doctors are getting shorted for taking care of old folks.

Yeah, well "old" means they're probably sick a lot and take up too much of the doctor's time anyway. And as for unemployment? Well, that's for lazy people, right senator Feinstein?  Or druggies, right senator Hatch?

See, because after you buy a house and a few cars with all that free money the government dumps in unemployment on your undeserving,  indolent buttocks what else is there to buy but drugs? OK food, but let's not get picky.

Seem a little harsh? All right, so let's admit that unemployed people were once employed and so could afford to get mortgages and contribute to campaigns and important stuff like that, but let's get real here. The rubes have been fleeced...erm...we mean that market has been exploited. Those folks who lost their jobs, their houses and their futures? They aren't going to be profit centers anymore. They aren't going to contribute to the bottom line. It's time to move on people. Nothing personal, just business.

Look, here's how it is in America. Can't take out a mortgage you can't afford on a house bigger than you need? OK, fine. No increased dividend for the shareholders, no unemployment for you. Besides, you're living in a shelter, how many expenses can you have anyway? Rule Of Business Number One: never give it away. Sort of like hookers, except hookers pay taxes.

See, this is what's called externalities, capitalism, democracy and it's what our forefathers hired Blackwater to fight and die for.

Republicans Perform The Cheney Maneuver*

We have a few words today to speak to those who have brought forward the idea that perhaps President Hopey has been a tad harsh towards our corporate guests, BP for destroying the Gulf and the lives of all who made their livings in and around that formally awesome body of water (the ninth largest in the world--sometimes called the American Mediterranean). We'll try and be brief as we imagine you have a full day of boot licking and butt kissing planned. Hey, perhaps Tony Hayward will let you scrape the barnacles off his yacht. With your face. One can only dream. Anyway, for the rest of us, one simple request:

STFU.

Joe Barton?

As chairman of the House Energy and Commerce Committee, Barton was crafting legislation designed to cut down the regulatory hoops governing the siting of new oil refineries. Hurricane Katrina was the given reason, Big Oil was the chosen beneficiary.
Tucked away in the bill draft was a rollback of nearly 30 years worth of tanker size limits and tug escort requirements. The impetus was BP's frustration at inability to build a put a new long dock at its Cherry Point refinery, in near proximity to a herring spawning ground.

It's pretty obvious you got yourself on the House Energy and Commerce Committee because there was no requirement of expertise in any of the issues that come before the committee. That and your lifelong irrational hatred of Pelicans.

Michelle Bachmann?

BP "shouldn't have to be fleeced," in the words of Rep. Michelle Bachmann, R-Minnesota, who described as "a redistribution of wealth fund" the $20 billion escrow account set up to pay cleanup costs and claims.

 Redistribution of wealth? More like petty cash. And what about the people who live around the Gulf? Their wealth wasn't redistributed, it was annihilated.

Sarah Palin?

"We can't afford to demonize" BP, Sarah Palin declared on television last week as she upbraided President Obama for taking so long to meet with BP's chief executive Tony Hayward.

 What you lack in credibility is exceeded only by your insufficiency of intelligence.

Newt Gingrich?

President Obama "is directly engaged in extorting money" from BP, ex-House Speaker (and possible presidential candidate) Newt Gingrich charged, appearing on Fox News' "Hannity."

 You give lizards a bad name.

Which brings us to the media, who seem to be suffering from a variation of the problem faced by the sycophants in the fable The Emperor's New Clothes. Dear media persons. While it may be appropriate to report what these cretins say because they are after all (and in some cases thanks wholly to you) national figures, from now on please preface all your articles concerning their hypocritical, self serving pronouncements with the following: "This story quotes individuals who have neither expertise, nor experience, nor moral standing to comment on the subject as they are examples of the most craven, power hungry, scruple free individuals poor upbringing and lack of proper supervision can produce. They should not be listened to by anyone with a shred of intelligence, a modicum of decency and a grain of empathy and we apologize for even mentioning them in polite company."

Thank you for your time, and have an oil free day.

*Cheney Maneuver

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, here's an interesting headline: Euthanized Racing Greyhounds Prompt Concerns.  Really? Concern from whom? Are you concerned track racing director Thomas Bowersox?

"It is just as in any racing sport that animals or things are asked to turn left at the speed (sic) are running, sometimes collisions occur with serious results," Bowersox wrote in the April letter to the state Division of Pari-Mutuel Wagering.

Animals or..."things"? So the welfare of the dogs is right up there with, what? Cars? Motorcycles? Speedboats? Things, Mr. Bowersox, sir, are not alive. They don't feel pain. They don't suffer as a result of a collision. Or die.

OK so the headline doesn't refer to Mr. Bowersox. Anyone else got something to say? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Uh oh. Look over there, it's Cary Theil, well known animal rights wacko. She's* He's bound to harsh Mr. Bowersox's mellow.

"That dogs are seriously injured on a regular basis is one of the greyhound racing industry's dirty little secrets," said Carey Theil, the executive director for the Massachusetts-based group GREY2KUSA -- a national nonprofit group that advocates for greyhound protection laws and eliminating greyhound racing.

 Hey, come on lady dude. How can it be a secret if they're writing newspaper articles about it, huh? Answer us that.

Florida's lack of policy on the reporting of greyhound injuries leaves Theil and other advocates questioning how many other dogs are being injured and euthanized at the Sarasota club and the state's 12 other tracks. "If the public understood how many greyhounds are being seriously injured and even dying at these racetracks, I think they would reconsider their support of this facility in their community," Theil said.

Oh don't you start with that tip of the iceberg stuff now, lady brother. There's a perfectly logical explanation for all this, right Mr. Bowersox?

Bowersox attributed the clashes to poor track conditions caused by heavy rains. A refresh of the racing surface was completed immediately after the collisions.

See? Problem solved. And, as Mr. Bowersox is compelled to point out, it's not really a big problem to begin with.

Bowersox pointed out in the letter that the 14 euthanized greyhounds were a "very small percent" of the dogs that raced at the Sarasota Kennel Club this season.

Right on. NASCAR can lose more cars on a percentage basis in a single race than the overlords lose dogs in a whole season. Let's get some perspective here people. And when a car wrecks, you can sometimes swap out parts so it isn't a total loss. Can't do that with dogs, so the overlords suffer a greater economic hit because you can't just put a new leg on a greyhound and send him back out there. Come to think of it though, you can soup him up a little.  OK, that's not our point.

"Tracks don't want to talk about dogs," Theil said. "They make them into statistics and numbers. Those are dogs that suffered and died."

Right. Numbers, see? Like Mr. Bowersox says, "things." You know, expendable and stuff. Wait, why are you looking at us like that Demur?

Demur is all girl. She is delicate, easygoing, sweet, well-mannered, quiet, mellow and feminine. She is a happy girl; her tail propellers when she is happy and she will wag when you talk to her. She loves to be petted and will rest her head on your knee. She enjoys playing with squeaky toys. She will throw the toy in the air. She loves to be outside. She likes to lay in the grass. She will “talk” to her foster mom from time to time. She wants to be near her foster mom and is a bit of a Velcro dog with her foster mom when she up and moving. She wants to please and is easily corrected with a slightly raised voice. Demur would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 6 and up. She is good with other dogs and is also fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

*Edited for clarity. Through no fault of our own, because we seldom blog sober,  we inadvertently assigned Cary Theil the wrong gender. The staff at Ironicus Maximus regrets any inconvenience this may have caused Mr. Theil and assures him, he can return the dresses for a full refund.

What If We Just Cut Out The Middleman And Pass A Law That Says All Kids Have To Be Smart?

A couple of days ago we told you how the good folks at the University of Wisconsin had tapped into some o' that sweet sweet Microsoft lucre and were about to take a trip down to Hillsborough County, ask around about the good teachers, then, using their mad mathematical skillzzz, laptop computers and graphing calculators, produce a formula that proved those people who everyone thought were good teachers were, in scientific fact as demonstrated by the use of geometric logic and even calculus, actually good teachers. X²+2X+N=Y baby!

Yay science!

Well, not everybody can afford to have big time college professors come down and put on a professionally developed Powerpoint show (with sound and animated gifs!) to tell you what you already know--and have Bill Gates pay for it. Take Colorado for example:

Colorado is changing the rules for how teachers earn and keep the sweeping job protections known as tenure, linking student performance to job security despite outcry from teacher unions that have steadfastly defended the system for decades.

Right. See, who needs all them calculator jockeys when you can just pass laws and stuff? We mean, it's a law right? That means you have to do it.   Problem solved.

Many education reform advocates consider tenure to be one of the biggest obstacles to improving America's schools because it makes removing mediocre or even incompetent teachers difficult.

 Yeah, 'cause see if you're a superintendent, or a principal or some such educational leader in a school and responsible for, you know, leading and whatnot, the last thing you should be asked to do is something that's "difficult." We mean, it's like someone expects you to be responsible or something. Who needs that kind of headache?

Besides, everybody knows if you want to get rid of a teacher you have to get all legal on their buttocks, collect evidence, make a case, be organized and consistent, respectful of the teacher's rights and just generally follow the rules, but you know the worst part? You could lose. Now what kind of system is that where you want to get rid someone and people just won't take your word for it? You know, like with students?

Tick off the principal--wham, you're gone. Doesn't matter whether you're in school or not. Now there's a system that works. Aww crap. See what happens when you start giving people rights? And if the kids will sue you, think what the teachers will do. The whole thing is just too dang complicated, that's why we needed the legislature to pass a law. 

Colorado's legislature changed tenure rules require teachers to be evaluated annually, with at least half of their rating based on whether their students progressed during the school year. Beginning teachers will have to show they've boosted student achievement for three straight years to earn tenure.

 Make progress, boost achievement. What could be simpler? It's not like that could ever be misinterpreted, or abused, especially since we know all kids progress alike and all start from the same point each year. See? You don't need fancy science. Why actually deal with the complicated multi-dimensional, messy process of teaching and learning in a complex inter-related social environment when you've got a legislature that can pass a law?

"Difficult"? Ha. That's for the teachers who have to figure out what to do with these kids, not the administrators who will rate them.

They're Not Racists. They Just Have A Finely Developed Sense Of History

We seem to recall that during the recently concluded presidential campaign pundits were rhapsodizing about a "post racial" America. Then that smooth talking black feller went and got hisself elected and all manner of hullabaloo broke loose. All of a sudden the bubbas was a coming out of the woodwork like roaches in a fire, packing heat to political rallies, shouting "You Lie" in Congress, carrying signs showing the President of the United States in everything from a Hitler mustache to the tribal costume of an African chief, sending each other pictures of watermelons on the White House lawn, songs about The Magic Negro and just generally getting themselves worked up into a state of the vapors we haven't seen since Rosa sat at the front of the bus.

To paraphrase Mr. Clemens, it seems reports of the death of racism have been greatly exaggerated. Apparently, rather than a post racial America, we have become a publicly racist America, all of which brings us to Arizona.

A proposed Arizona law would deny birth certificates to children born in the United States to illegal immigrant parents. John Kavanagh, a Republican state representative from Arizona who supports the proposed law aimed at so-called "anchor babies," said that the concept does not conflict with the U.S. Constitution.

 Well, to get technical about, it doesn't conflict with most of the Constitution. In fact, the only part it does conflict with is the first sentence or two of the 14th Amendment which says, "All persons born or naturalized in the United States, and subject to the jurisdiction thereof, are citizens of the United States and of the State wherein they reside. No State shall make or enforce any law which shall abridge the privileges or immunities of citizens of the United States;."

"If you go back to the original intent of the drafters ... it was never intended to bestow citizenship upon (illegal) aliens," said Kavanagh.

Yeah, maybe, but the original intent of the Founders was to count each black person as 3/5's of a human being too, and we've sort of  gotten a little beyond that, don't you think?

Eh. Maybe not.

Now, contrary to what you may be thinking, we're not here to join the chorus of folks bashing, boycotting and just generally being embarrassed by the presence of Arizona. In fact, we think they are doing the country a valuable service. Here's our point: The only thing the Civil War...excuse us...the only thing the War of Northern Aggression taught the bubbas was that Yankees is some mean old bullies who are bound and determined to interfere with the natural order of things. Also, if you want to fight a war it's better to have factories than plantations, but set that aside for a minute and let's focus on the bully part.

So the Yankees come down with all their fancy pants laws and set about wrecking a whole way of life. OK, not a whole way of life, just the slavery part, but that has ramifications, man! Negroes going wherever they want, Negroes learning to read, Negroes getting paid for work, and especially Negroes getting to vote. Where does it end? Think the 14th Amendment is a problem? Try the 13th! Or the 15th! The bubbas never bought in to that whole 3/5's to 5/5's thing but being as they lost the war and all they had to get more subtle, which wasn't exactly a trump card in their deck. Still they did manage to come up with literacy tests, poll taxes and whatnot.

Things were fine for almost 100 years until some uppity negro told on them and then everybody's all Civil Rights this and Civil Rights that. What's a good old boy to do? We mean, there comes a point when your bigotry has to become so subtle no one even notices it's bigotry anymore.

Then Barack Obama got elected and it was OK to be a racist again as long as you said you weren't a racist, just a conservative, or a patriot, or a libertarian (whatever that is) or a Tea Bagger, or a Randian, or anything, who cares brother?! No more subtlety!

Suddenly there's racists in the Congress, in state legislatures, on the world wide internets, the tee vee and the radio, just thicker than flies on a dog turd and we have to tell you folks this is a good thing. Fact is, we need these people out here we can see them. We need them to say what they say where people who aren't racists can hear them because when they got to practice their bigotry undercover, when they got to express their hatred of people who were different in ways only those people on the receiving end of that hatred could feel, it was easy for the rest of us to let it slip by, to just turn away and pretend it wasn't there.

But now these people are in our faces. They're in everyone's faces and they're demanding that we join them. They're demanding our permission to abandon the promises this country was founded upon. They want to turn the whole country into a plantation with them at the top like it was back when the real president's name was Jefferson Davis, not Abraham Lincoln.

Now, you may be saying wait a minute there Ironicus, you've been talking about black folks, but those people in Arizona, they ain't got nothing against black folks, they're just trying to get rid of some wetbacks.

True. But as Jefferson Davis said in his inaugural address, "If it ain't white, it ain't right." Well, maybe it wasn't Jefferson Davis. Could have been Michelle Bachmann, or maybe Pat Buchanan. We'll get back to you on that.

Good Morning. I'm Mr. Smith And I'll Be Your Value Adder This Semester

We've been banging around the hallowed halls of academe for quite a few years now--most of which we remember and one of the most enduring lessons that has inflicted itself upon us during that transit is that conversations beginning with "We're going to fix the broken tenure system" seldom end well for teachers.

Hillsborough County School Board plans to hire consultants from the University of Wisconsin. The $3.4 million contract is part of Hillsborough County's seven-year, $202 million partnership with the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation. The university's task: use student tests to calculate each teacher's annual "value-added" contribution to the district.

 OK, so our first thought upon perusing the above paragraph was that Bill Gates has way too much money and not enough to do, but hey, this is America so if he wants to give $3.4 million to the good people at the University of Wisconsin so they can travel down to Hillsborough County, ask the kids and the parents who the good teachers are, then report that to the Board (in a snappy Powerpoint presentation no doubt) who are we to question the priorities of a district with a $29 million hole in their health care budget? Oh, and $100 million cuts in their budget already, with more on the horizon.These are education professionals we're dealing with here, brother man. Well, Gates isn't, but he's rich so that means he doesn't need any expertise.

Besides, it's not about the money anyway, it's about the buzz, the juice man, the spin. That's where "value added" comes in. Yeah baby, got to sex it up. See, when it gets right down to it, who the good and bad teachers are in any district is no real secret to anyone who works or has kids in that district, so for $3.4 million the folks in Hillsborough aren't going to be told who's' good and bad--since they already know that--they're going to be told who's adding value! Totally different.

"Hillsborough's project is enormously ambitious," Christopher Thorn, associate director of the university's Value-Added Research Center in Madison said. "What Hillsborough is doing is what every one of them wants to do." Beginning in 2011, the district hopes to use the value-added data — along with principal and peer evaluations — to help decide which teachers deserve tenure, promotions or dismissal. By 2013, such information also will determine teacher pay. "We need formulas for every teacher of every subject," said David Steele, the district's project director.

It's formulas, dude! Science! E=mc² all the way! Now, we were awake in algebra class that day and we know when you make formulas, you have these things called variables which can, you know, vary and cause the answer to come out differently, so Dr. Mr. Thorn, in the interests of adding a little value to your calculation, (Get it? Adding value to the value added formula? We crack us up) we were just wondering how you are going to deal with some of the variables teachers face every day. For example:

We'll call this variable the sugar high factor. Let's say you have little Alex in your fifth hour, right after lunch. At lunch he consumed two bags of M&M's, a Mountain Dew, and economy size bag of Cheetos. His blood sugar levels are approaching altitudes at which commercial jets fly, and you have planned to have group discussions of The Scarlet Letter, but you spend most of your time peeling Alex off the ceiling so he probably doesn't have much value added to his knowledger of early American literature that day.

The second variable we'll call the jello spine factor. So, you've got little Billy in your second hour. Now, Billy may be ADHD, or maybe he doesn't get enough attention at home, or maybe he's just a brat. Anyway, you know that ten minutes in your class won't go by before you have to tell little Billy to tone it down, or pay attention or quit hanging out of the window. Finally you've had enough and you bounce his little pre-pubescent butt down to the office. In a rare moment of educational leadership the principal assigns little Billy to detention which cause his his parents to show up the next morning to explain to the principal the angelic nature of their offspring and blame everyone and everything else for his faults, which, of course aren't really faults but are brought on by insufficient skill and talent in others. Having by then regained that particular lack of awareness that caused him to become a principal in the first place, the principal caves and tells you not to send little Billy out of your class anymore, but to deal with him, which you do, but at the cost of adding value to Billy and the rest of the class' educational experience.

We'll call this last one the value meal variable. Let's say little Janey is in your first hour class. Now, Janey's parents aren't the most well off in the district and sometimes when Janey comes to class she hasn't eaten anything since the night before. She wants to share in your excitement as you discuss A Day No Pigs Would Die but it's hard to hear you over the growling of her stomach, and even though she normally is one of your more attentive students, even your sterling presentation today can't compete with her fantasies of eggs, bacon and toast. You want to add value to her appreciation of literature, but the value she needs added is an egg Macmuffin.

Now, we could do more Dr. Mr. Thorn, but we think you get the point. With all these variables, coming up with an equation that equals good teaching (which is not the same--or necessarily causally related to--good learning) should remind us all that there was a very good reason logical positivism was abandoned 50 years ago, but in case you weren't listening in your undergrad stats class that term, allow us to elucidate: Your ability to identify and quantify all of the organs of a frog as you dissect it is very impressive, but in the process of demonstrating your very well developed skill at naming and counting frog innards, you kill the frog.

March 9, 2005

Why are you reading this?   

This is our favorite Friday Hound Blogging written on a Wednesday that didn't feature a skinny dog. Actually it's the only  FHB written on a Wednesday needle noseless. Come to think of it, it's not really an FHB if it's written on a Wednesday is it? And since the whole point of FHB is, you know, the H's and all, well, we guess it's nothing more than just another desultory episode in a long line of episodes marking our undistinguished passage from birth through old age to death. Happy Friday! Presented for your consideration: Sometimes You Act Like A Nut, Sometimes You Don't.

Regular visitors to the halls of Ironicus Maximus (Hi mom!) will recall that each Friday we feature rescued racing greyhounds looking for permanent homes due to the fact that they are no longer profit centers for the human overlords who suck their meager existence from the speed and endurance of the world's oldest breed of dog.

Last Friday we mentioned that in a desperate effort to keep from having to go out and get real jobs, the overlords were trying to pass a law that would allow slots to be placed at greyhound tracks in Broward and Miami-Dade counties in Florida.

Well, the votes have been counted and it looks like the good people of Miami-Dade county said get a job, while the folks over in Broward county said it's OK with us if you leech off the dogs, then dump them, as long as we can sit in air conditioning and lose our pension money.

The greyhound track that is about to receive the benefits of the yea vote is Hollywood Greyhound Track--yes that Hollywood (soon to be renamed Hallendale. Motto: We Need Your Money). As a service to the greyhound betting public in Broward county--at least those who can read--we offer a little tour of the establishment you are about to waste your savings on:

Long ago, the Hollywood track was a magnet for glitterati. Damon Runyon presented the raceway's first trophy 70 years ago. For decades, this place lured the likes of actor William Holden and sex bomb Jayne Mansfield. In its prime, it drew a half-million people each season, and even ten years ago, it was pulling down $65 million in live wagering a season. Attendance, however, collapsed during the 1990s. It now attracts fewer than 100,000 a year and took in a paltry $11.8 million last season.

Hmm...From 500,00 bettors to less than 100,000 in ten years. Well, you can only look at Jane Mansfield so many times without makeup, and isn't Damon Runyon one of the guys on Queer Eye For The Straight Guy? But let's move on:

The Hollywood track has drawn the scrutiny of federal prosecutors. A half dozen people were sentenced for a tax evasion scheme at the track that patrons and tellers contend took millions of dollars from federal coffers. Some tellers testified that illegal shortcuts are a way of life when it comes to betting the dogs at Hollywood.

Illegal shortcuts a way of life? We're shocked we tell you shocked! Let's ask one of the track regulars how this could be:

Warren G. Miller was a familiar sight at the Hollywood Greyhound Track through most of the 1990s. Toting a plastic bag filled with odds and ends, the Jheri-curled middle-ager shuffled around the betting parlor looking like a homeless man. With his top front teeth missing, he had a drooling problem and wiped his lips frequently with a handkerchief. Even so, Miller stood out from the down-and-out gamblers for only one thing: He was a key player in a scheme to bilk the IRS out of hundreds of thousands of tax dollars. Federal Judge Jose Gonzalez sentenced Miller to 18 months in prison and ordered him to pay the IRS $442,000 in restitution. The judge also meted out jail time, fines, and probation to a half dozen tellers for their part in the so-called ten-percenting scheme. The case reveals a deeply entrenched culture of fraud and greed at the track.

Oops. Guess we asked the wrong fellow. Our bad. But he looked so knowledgeable, so professional. Well, there was the whole teeth thing, and the speaking in tongues, but we thought it was just some kind of good luck ritual. Not that luck has anything to do with betting on dogs. It's a science you know. Most of the patrons have spent years in apprenticeships and intensive study. Let's meet some of them:

Roberto is a twig of a man with dark, rheumy eyes, caterpillar eyebrows, and a droopy face ripped from a Dali canvas. The few teeth remaining in his top gum are jagged and slightly skewed. His thick Italian accent makes him a bit difficult to understand. Despite myopia that borders on blindness, his mind is a handicapping machine. He asked that his last name not be used.

Roberto is a retired Nuclear Physicist who once worked on the Manhattan Project. Or so he says between swigs of his forty. Here's a friend of his:

Mike, a hulking Bulgarian with missing teeth who declined to give his last name. Mike has been betting the dogs for 23 years and at one time even owned greyhounds. He sits close to the TVs and mingles little during the 14-race live meets. "He's going to take a shot in the mouth one day, in the face," Mike says.

Sports was always about the camaraderie, the playful banter amongst the participants, the assault and batteries. Oh look, there's Stefo:

Stefo moved to Miami in the late 1950s and was introduced to dog racing when he took a job as a driver for a wealthy European who had a penchant for the dogs. He had a series of petty run-ins with the law -- excess parking tickets, expired license plates, some bounced checks -- and usually gravitated to the seamy side of life. In the 1960s, he recruited actresses for the makers of hard-core stag films.

Ah, sports and entertainment coming together under one roof. What synergy! It's like MGM merged with Nike, right Larry:

At 83 years old, Larry rarely misses a day or evening of racing. Today, like most days, he wears brown polyester pants, a baby-blue zippered coat, a plaid cotton shirt, and a "Hollywood Greyhound Track" hat. His yellowed white socks droop around his ankles. Everything he's wearing is overdue for laundering by a month or so.

Well, Larry's the bohemian type, which just goes to show greyhound racing has something for everyone, and a future so bright, those associated with it have to wear sunglasses, right Mr. Berg?

Howard Berg, once an announcer at various South Florida tracks and now a director of marketing at the Hollywood facility, recalls million-dollar nights and crowds of 10,000. Still, Berg is hopeful. He points out that children have been allowed at the track since the 1988-89 season, thanks to the Florida Legislature. "There's the future, to expose them to racing," Berg declares.

Let it not be said the Florida Legislature isn't one of the most forward looking in the country. What other legislative body, charged with the well being of the people who put them in office would have the foresight to see that letting children watch animals be exploited wouldn't be good for the economy. And they can learn about chemistry too:

Hollywood had one of the state's most egregious cases of dog doping. During a frenzied week in January 2003, four dogs trained by Kenneth Purdy took first place in their races. Winners are routinely tested, and the analyses turned up cocaine derivatives in the dogs' urine.

And recycling:

Down here, they used to take the dogs to the Everglades and gut them so there'd be enough blood that the gators would get 'em," contends Michelle Weaver, who with her husband operates Friends of Greyhounds in Sunrise.

So there you have it good people of Broward country, the 18% that turned out to vote, but particularly 82% who decided they'd rather make the early bird special at Denny's. The next time an overlord takes a load of dogs on a one way trip to the Everglades, I'm sure he'll be thankful that you chose the Grand Slam instead of the ballot.

September 19, 2007

Why are you reading this?     

The end we usually envision for irritating students is generally less surgical than a bullet to the brain, still we have to admire this teacher's efficiency in dealing with classroom discipline. Presented for your consideration:  OK, But Only If The Kids Get Body Armor.

We're coming to you today from the What Could Possibly Go Wrong Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. WCPGW is a wholly owned division of the Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time Corporation.

An Oregon high school teacher sued for her right to bring a gun into the classroom for personal protection. "One more spitwad in the back of my head while I'm writing on the board and somebody's going down. That's all I'm saying," the teacher told reporters.

When asked why she hadn't  considered another line of work if she was so afraid of her students she felt she needed to be armed,  the teacher replied that she had looked into a career in law enforcement but felt it was easier to shoot students than criminals. "Don't have to worry about all that Miranda stuff, and anyway, sometimes the parents are grateful."

The standoff between the teacher and the school district has grabbed the attention of both sides of the national gun debate. "The right to protect yourself from prep-pubescent terror is natural, God-given and should not be taken away," said Kevin Starrett, executive director of the Oregon Firearms Federation. "Well, if god had guns that is. On second thought I guess if you're god you don't need a gun. Omnipotent and all that. Still, if Jesus had of had a Glock that whole cross nailing thing would have turned out differently. What was my point?"

The teacher's identity is being concealed to protect her from an abusive ex-husband who has challenged her to a gunfight. "Yeah. The problem is she missed him," Starret said.

The 12,370-student school district argues that being gun-free is a condition of her employment."We are saying that the school district has the right to expect the superintendent isn't going to get drilled in the hallway because he didn't call a snow day when all the other districts did," said Tim Gerking, the school district's attorney.

When asked for his opinion, one of the students in the teacher's class said he wasn't planning on handing in any homework assignments late. "I don't want to have to choose between 10 points off or a head start," he said.

August 19, 2009

Why are you reading this?  

What better way to abandon our bloggatory responsibilities after we've abandoned our bloggatory responsibilities that to turn the whole dang thing over to a third party. We're blazing new trails in irresponsibility here folks and we hope you appreciate being at the dawn of this new age. Presented for your consideration: Uncle Cledus Visits The Marbled Halls.

Well, there's been quite a bit o' chin music lately about them fellers a carrying their bang sticks out to meet that colored guy you all elected president of these here united states. Now, most times I don't cotton to havin' to explain somethin' that's plain as the nose on your face, specially to a bunch arugula eatin', latte drinkin', east coast girly-men, but  Ironicus has asked me to come on this here blog thing and set the record straight and I feel like I gotta do it 'cause they're family and all. Not that we're particularly proud of that, but whatcha gonna do? God don't let you pick your relatives.

OK, let's git to it. See, we all know the Negroes are the sons and daughters of Ham who was cursed by Noah because, well, I don't want to git inta that case there's some young 'uns in the audience. Anyway, to make sure everyone knew who the sons of Ham were, God turned them black. Now, God's a merciful God and even though he laid a curse on these folks, he also made sure he balanced that out with some special talents. That's why colored folks got the natural rhythm.

The other thing that God did for the Negroes was to make sure all the men got...ah...big...ah...well equipped if you take my point. See, I guess God figured if the black folks was gonna be cut outta polite society because a being black and all, he might as well give them something to do amongst themselves that was enjoyable. Like I said, God's a merciful God.

Don't get me wrong, God's all seeing all knowing and all powerful and such, but this here situation is dangerous what with women being the weaker sex and all. Us southern boys are taught by our daddies early on that a white man's pecker can't in no way compete with a black man's 'scuse my French ladies but there ain't no other way to say it.

So when we show up with our peck--I mean our guns strapped on what we're sayin' to any colored gentlemen in the area is we know what's going on, and stay away from our women. It's nothin' personal, it's just the way God made them. And us.

Now you're saying, wait a minute Uncle Cledus, one a them fellers what showed up strapped was a Negro. Yeah, but it's like I told you, God gave the Negroes rhythm and peckers, didn't say anythin' about brains.

I hope this clears it up for you and I apologize again to the ladies for my indelicate language.

February 12, 2008

Why are you reading this? 

As we have documented on several occasions, it's hard following the one true faith when you live in a world where everyone else seems to be following some other one true faith, and even folks who follow no faith at all think they are following the one true...erm...faith? Well, the point is, it gets confusing. Leave it to the invisible hand of the market to sort it all out though. Submitted for your consideration,  At Least It's Better Than Pope On A Rope

Frequent readers of this blog will probably not put their upcoming economic stimulus money to good use...er...we mean have often chuckled at our occasional poking of the fun at our christian friends. You know, the ones who say god put all those fossils on earth just for a big fake out. We kid because we love.

But no more. We have come across one of the most heinous cases of religious discrimination since Barabbas got a get out of jail free card. Sure, people who have the misfortune of being born in Islamic countries are getting bombed and stuff, and even those foolish enough to worship the wrong god in this country get a not so subtle reminder from time to time that we're all about the big JC, but this blatant attempt to persecute the christian community makes all those incidents look like fraternity pranks. In fact, this attempt is so over the top, we wonder why the Big G himself hasn't stepped in. Oh sure, we know he's always up for a little testing of the faith through hurricanes, floods, pestilence and whatnot, but this...this is just too much.

Christians living in Singapore were being forced to buy Jesus makeup.

A cosmetics range with cheeky taglines that extolled the virtues of "Looking Good for Jesus" has been pulled from stores in Singapore. Promising to "Redeem your reputation and more," the product line included a "virtuous vanilla"-flavored lip balm and a "Get Tight with Christ" hand and body cream. "What? Aren't you guys all about redemption?" asked a spokesperson for Wing Tai Retail, which manages Topshop where the cosmetics were sold.

"These products trivialize Jesus Christ and Christianity," Nick Chui, one of the complainants, said. "Jesus would never date a girl just because she had showered with 'Wild in the Desert' body wash. I don't even think they had showers back then. "

"There are also sexual innuendoes in the messages and the way Jesus is portrayed in these products, " he added. "I'm sure Jesus wore shirts, and he probably didn't work out."

On the packaging of one of the products, Jesus, wearing a bright white robe, looks heavenward while a blonde, heavily made-up woman with an arm draped across his shoulder gazes dreamily at his face. "We're pretty sure Mary Magdalene wasn't blonde," said Grace Ong, another complainant.

"Why would anyone use religious figures to promote vanity products? It's very disrespectful and distasteful," she continued. "Plus I tried the tanning lotion and I didn't 'Get the Complexion of The Nazarene Overnight.' Unless people from Nazareth were orange."

An unnamed Wing Tai Retail spokesman apologized for offending the christian community. "Look, we see them over there at the souvenir shops buying those pictures of Jesus where the eyes follow you around all the time. We just thought they'd like something practical, something with a little class. Excuse me for caring."

Christians make up about 15 percent of multicultural Singapore's population of 4.5 million people, but they file 86% of all the complaints.

March 2, 2006

Why are you reading this?

As professional members of the educorporate training collective we often turn our gaze in the direction of matters pedagogical. Hence the drinking. And as denizens of the classroom for more years than we care to admit to now, we offer you this little tidbit of prognostication: The young are going to kill us. Offered for your consideration:   Don't Think Of Them As Charter Schools, Think Of Them As Snake Oil Salesmen Retirement Communities.

We generally don't pay too much attention to the pundit class, other than occasionally wondering how they can say some of the things they say without their heads exploding, but we recently ran across this column by John Stossel, and having watched as much as we could of his recent spit flecked rant about schools we thought we'd give it a perusal and see if his new medication had been effective.

Apparently not, for the mustache writes:

Bureaucrats like to say, you will go to this school, because we said so, and you will be taught according to this program, because we said so and we know best. Those of us with confidence in markets think you could do better deciding for yourself.

Yep. No one is in a better position to decide for him or herself where to go to school than a kindergartner, unless its a kindergartner's parents who work full time, try to have some home life and look forward to driving all over the country checking out schools all of which, because of the "free market" spend most of their budget on advertising that promises to make every child a genius. It's 25 degrees and snow here now John. We'd like to go to school in San Diego. Can you arrange that for us?

Educational experts, freed from the massive regulations that snarl the public schools, can come up with new and better ideas for teaching.

Umm...except there is no regulation that prevents educational experts from coming up with new and better ways of teaching. In fact, most teachers will tell you that they are bombarded with so many new and different ways of teaching they often can't keep them straight and hence the phrase "pedagogy du jour."

No one individual can begin to imagine what competition would create.

Well, you may have a point there Johnny boy. Just look what competition did for the airline (can you say bankrupt) industry, and the energy (can you say Enron) industry. Oh, and let's not forget what Bechtel did for competition when they privatized the water supply in Cochabamba, Bolivia. All those peasants competing for a drink of water, now there's some free market sumpin sumpin all up in your grill Mr. Third World dirt farmer. Deal with it! Who's got your charter now Jose?

Would you keep going back to a restaurant that served you a bad meal? Or a barber that gave you a bad haircut? Competition makes everything better.

Ah...John? Educating human beings to take their places as functioning members of a democratic society is a tad bit more complicated than making a ham sandwich or getting the balance right on your mustache trim. Just saying.

So many students want to get into charter schools many have to hold lotteries.

Well, it is a gamble, we'll give you that. The kids could end up here, or here, or here, or here, or here or here, or the biggest losing ticket of all, here.

In 2001, Harvard economist Caroline Hoxby found that Milwaukee's private school vouchers made the nearby public schools change. Competition worked — for human beings, and for public education.

Erm...would that be this Caroline Hoxby?

Well, let's leave Mr. Stossel to converse with the voices in his head and go ask an actual educator what his views are on the subject. Dr. Bracey, what do you have to say about Mr. Stossel's argument?

In retrospect, this was a hopelessly naïve and simplistic notion of the way schools operate, but it caught many people's fancy. It has proved to be the latest in the apparently never-ending fusillade of magic bullets targeted at the schools.

Heh. Indeedy.

January 7, 2005

Well, here's a little something for you history buffs out there--the very first Friday Hound Blogging we did here on Blogger. We had an occasional blog on another server a few months before this, but left due to...uh...creative differences, which is why we say the FHB tradition is continuing (this is probably the third time we had done this so our definition of "tradition" may be slightly looser than yours). Ah, the innocence, the simplicity, the lack of abuse directed to the overlords. It was a kinder gentler Ironicus back then, was it not?

Oh, we did a little digging and Bella is still around. She's almost 10 now, a little more gray than in her picture here, but she still enjoys toys, lying in the sun and being with her adoptive family.

Friday Hound Blogging
As part of our community service, er...as part of our service to the community, we continue with the tradition of Friday Hound Blogging. Yes, we know about Atrios and TBogg but this is much better because these hounds are retired racing greyhounds that are looking for homes. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Besides, greyhounds are way cooler than Basset Hounds, and don't even think about cats. So, without further preliminaries, Here's our guest of the day, Bella Blanco:

Bella is very sweet, easygoing, happy, and loves attention. She will approach and nudge you with her nose for attention. She is a greyhound “collector” who takes all the dog toys from the toy box to her bed. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here.

June 1, 2009

What fun we've had over the years joshing that wacky band of pizanos down at the Vatican Social Club and the OG (Original Godfather) pope Benedicto (red shoes) Ratzinger. Today's little trip down the memory hole is unusual in that the priest in question is hetero. Ladies and gentlemen, presented for your consideration, And A Playa To Be Named Later:

Frequent readers of this blog know that the future is a big seagull about to poop on your shoulder...erm...we mean, know that we spent our formative years under the wise if somewhat inebriated tutelage of the church catholic, or more specifically the brothers christian. And as a result we don't have much good to say about our brothers and sisters in Christ, or in this case in Miami, except to bemoan the fact that no one explained to us that we could have put in for a transfer rather than subject ourselves to one more guilt trip from Sister Victorine because we didn't make our sales quota of plastic virgin Marys for the dashboard.

Father Alberto Cutie, an internationally known catholic priest who admitted having a romantic affair and breaking his vow of celibacy, is joining the Episcopal Church to be with the woman he loves.

Cutie? Father Cutie? Come on. You really expect us to buy that?

(it's pronounced koo-tee-AY).

Yeah, as in boot tee AY? Right padre? Come on now. Be honest. Just can't keep from giving the big sacrament to the koo tee ays in the parish now can you, you old cornu canis you!

"I will always love the catholic church and all its members," he said at a news conference. "Well, that was part of my problem, trying to love all the members of the catholic church. I have needs, you know? Plus I'm straight so it's not like they can just send me to another diocese."

John C. Favalora, archbishop of the Catholic Church's Miami archdiocese, where Cutie served, said he was "deeply disappointed" by the news. "There aren't that many heteros left," he said. "We'd like to hang on to those we have."
The Cuban-American priest admitted having a two-year relationship with the woman, a long-time friend. She has not been publicly identified. "This is something I've struggled with," he said this month. "I don't support getting caught in the breaking of the celibacy promise. "
Of his relationship with the woman, he said, "Through the photos, it looked like a frivolous thing on the beach, you know, and that's not what it is. It's something deeper than that."

Um...padre? We don't think that's what your bosses want to hear.

"Father Cutie's actions have caused grave scandal within the Catholic Church, harmed the Archdiocese of Miami -- especially our priests -- and led to division within the ecumenical community and the community at large," Favalora said in a written statement. "Today's announcement only deepens those wounds."

Well, it's certainly getting "deep" around here.

"Father Cutie is still bound by his promise to live a celibate life, which he freely embraced at ordination," Favalora said. "Only the Holy Father can release him from that obligation."

"Yeah, like that's been a problem for me so far," Cutie responded.

The Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida said Cutie will deliver a sermon Sunday at a church that diocese leaders are looking to restore: the Church of the String Bikini in Biscayne Park. Cutie will be a part of this effort to revitalize this church and others, the diocese said.

Oh. So that's what the ecumenicals are calling it these days.
Favalora also had harsh words for the Episcopal church's decision to accept Cutie. "This truly is a serious setback for ecumenical relations and cooperation between us," he said.
Calm down father. Episcopals aren't really in a church, remember?

It's Not A Rerun If It's The FirstTime You've Seen It

We're going to be taking some time away from the old blog for a few days, so to entertain you in our absence--well come to think of it, it's probably our absence that will entertain you, but no matter--to help you waste time until we return and personally see that your day is frittered in a professional manner, we are going to be running some of our greatest hits, or past posts we just picked at random, whatever. Anyway, today's offering is from June 2, 2005 and it's original title was Buy A Ford, Help A Fag, however, given the growth and maturing of this blog in the last five years, were we to write it today we would call it: Buy A Ford, Help A Fag. You should know better than to have expectations by now.

Now, we've always known there were chick cars, like the Volkswagen Golf, and guy cars like the Corvette, and weenie cars like...well any minivan, but we never knew there were gay cars and that they were all made by Ford, although it does explain why police departments all over the country are getting rid of their Crown Victorias. Well, that and the whole fire thing.

Anyway, the folks at the American Family Association have decided that cars with to die for interior designs and paint jobs that just scream queen are too much, and have called for a boycott of Ford.

"From including same sex couples in benefits packages, to giving hundreds of thousands of dollars to support tolerance, to teaching managers the power of diversity, Ford's enlightened leadership points the way to fostering equality in the workplace and valuing a person for his or her contribution more than sexual preference." said a notice on the group's Web site. "And that really ticks us off."

Ford provides health care benefits for same sex partners of its employees, as does General Motors and Chrysler. When asked why the Association chose Ford, American Family Association special projects director Randy Sharp said, "It was the shortest and easiest to spell. A lot of our members aren't really educated people, if you know what I mean."

Nearly 55,000 people have signed a pledge supporting the boycott. Asked why he signed the petition, Buford Cady of Jonesboro Arkansas said, "To git one a them Calvin pissing on a Ford sign stickers they's a givin' out. Gonna put that right on ma pickup truck."

The boycott was called by the AFA, which a week before called off a nine-year boycott of Walt Disney Company, which it had originally declared on the same grounds. Asked why the Disney boycott was being ended, Sharp said, "We feel after nine years of boycotting Disney we have made our point."

When told that during the nine years of the Disney boycott the company's stock price went from $18.67 to $27.66 a share, Sharp responded, "See? See? That's what I'm talking about. We took them on! We showed them. Wait. Did you say from 18 to 27? Oh. That's a good thing isn't it? Let me get back to you."

Later the AFA office issued a statement that said problems that the group has with Disney have become "lost among the other battles being fought on a crowded cultural battlefield."

Asked for clarification the person answering the phones at AFA headquarters said, " We just got tired of our kids screaming at us because we wouldn't take them to Disney World."

Be Prepared? Funny. That's The KY Jelly Company Motto Too

We're coming to you today from the Coincidence? We Don't Think So Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. CWDTS is a division of the Nobody Could Have Predicted Company, a subsidy of Connect The Dots, LLC.

OK, tell us if this doesn't make sense. First of all, pope Bene was a member of the Hitler Youth when he was a kid, which was like the Boy Scout SS back in the day. Then he grows up to be El Catholic Grande and on the way is all like "doinking the choirboys?" Everybody needs a hobby, let's just keep this on the down low, OK?"

Flash forward to today and our American Boy Scouts which is sort of like our Hitler Youth except for god instead of Adolf, and what have you got?  You guessed it, Pervs. And not just common run of the mill everyday pervs, nosiree, religious pervs:

A jury in Oregon made the largest punitive damages award to a single plaintiff in a child abuse case in the US by ordering the Scouts to pay $18.5m to Kerry Lewis, who was repeatedly assaulted by a former assistant scoutmaster, Timur Dykes, in the 1980s. Dykes had admitted to a superior in the Scouts that he had abused boys, but was allowed to remain in the organisation and is alleged to have sexually assaulted several other children who are also taking legal action. Dykes confessed his abuse in 1983 to the local Scouts co-ordinator, who also happened to be a Mormon bishop, but was allowed to continue working with the Scouts.

 Mormons and catholics working together! Is that ecumenical or what? Well, except for the child rape, but hey, like the big Benito said back when he was just a little pope, everybody needs a hobby. And you know what else? Both organizations were danged organized at keeping records of who was banging whom. Now that's just downright Third Reich efficiency right there.

The judge in the case overruled the Scouts' attempts to keep the jury from seeing about 1,200 files kept by the organization on suspected pedophiles. The files shown to the jury were not made public and are just a small part of what is believed to be a cache of as many as 6,000 held at the Scouts' headquarters in Texas, dating back to the 1920s.

 "We said they had 75 years of secret files about paedophiles, and that's the way the evidence came in. I think that fact in itself was just staggering to the jury. They had a regular practice of placing guys on probation and then they would allow them to continue to be active in Scouting, not unlike some of what you saw in the Catholic church," Kelly Clark, Lewis's lawyer said.

 OK, despite the fact that the catholic church is supposed to be all holy and stuff--relaying god's word to the people and all--we're pretty sure this guy isn't comparing them to the Boy Scouts in a good way. Of course, god could be down with the whole NAMBLA thing, so we could be wrong. Might explain why he's so uptight about the atheists and homos, but pedophiles? Come on down!

If the files are made public, it is likely to prove a severe blow to an organization that is already at the center of controversy over a bar on atheists and gay people.

 Right, because see, Boy Scouts with good fashion sense? That's an oxymoron. And atheists? Well, don't want kids to quit believing in a god that is OK with them getting raped by some trusted adult before they're even old enough to hide a Playboy under the mattress, then told to shut up about it  now do we?