The Chair Recognizes The Gentleman From Ithyphallophobia

You know, We really have quite a history of Orator Statesmen here in the good old U S of A. We're talking about people like James Otis and his famous speech against the Stamp Act, or John Adams, starting with his endorsement of George Washington to be Commander in Chief of the Revolutionary Army. Then there are James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, Daniel Webster, Henry Clay, Stephen Douglas, etc., etc., etc.

Ah, if the walls of Congress could talk...Anyway, given that tradition of elocutionary power, imagine our dismay when we awaken this morning to the latest addition to this pantheon of wordsmiths, Representative Louie Gohmer (R - Blart! Glork! Ack!).

We're sorry, that's Representative Louie Gohmer t who rose in opposition to the repeal of the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy for gays in the military. Speaking in the same chamber that once echoed with the eloquence of Abraham Lincoln, Gohmer had this to say:

Excuse us again. It's Gohmer t

He began his bizarre homophobic speech, calling the repeal of the “Don’t Act Don’t Tell” policy “perverse…social experimentation” and said that our soldiers are being “held hostage by a sociological attack.”

We're not sure what a "sociological attack" is, but we're thinking soldiers might prefer it to a Taliban attack, or a suicide bomber attack, or a roadside bomb attack. Just a guess. And if our soldiers are being held hostage by the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy, wouldn't ending it release them from that hostageitood, representative Gohmer?

D'oh! We mean Gohmer t

Gohmert then veered into attacking the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Act, which includes protections for LGBT victims of hate crimes. He said that offering protection against hate crimes based on sexual orientation would lead to the legalization of necrophilia, pedophilia and bestiality, because the interpretation of sexual orientation is “wide-open.”

Um...we're talking about DADT here representative Gohmer t. Focus, man, focus!

There are all kinds of perversions, what most of us would call perversions, Some would say it sounds like fun, but most of us would say were perversions.

Hey, have you been talking to senator Vitter again. You know he just makes you all sweaty and you have trouble sleeping for a couple of days.

If you’re oriented toward animals, bestiality, then, you know, that’s not something that can be used, held against you or any bias be held against you for that. Which means you’d have to strike any laws against bestiality, if you’re oriented toward corpses, toward children, you know, there are all kinds of perversions.

Right. And while we're at it we should thank representative Gohmer t for being one of the few legislators who hasn't lost his balance on the slippery slope.

Gohmert then took a bizarre right turn from sexual perversions to racism and Nazis, claiming he is not a racist because he once voted for Alan Keyes.

Racist no. Stupid yes.

The excitable Gohmert then whipped out a bible and began reading biblical verses against homosexuality.

Hmmm...wonder if Matt 7: 3 -5 was in there.

Gohmert then reasoned that a lack of morality leads to economic instability, which would lead to a “little guy with a mustache.”

Geraldo Rivera?