Friday, March 30, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

See, here's the deal. You can't just go to school to become an overlord. In fact, the less you go to school the more likely it is you will become an overlord. Or a Walmart employee. Anyway, the point we're making is you need the street creds, the street smarts, the eye, the juice. You need to be able to walk into any situation and size it up in the blink of an eye. You need to recognize a social security recipient at fifty paces.

Of course if none of that works it helps to live in a state where the legislators are dumb as stumps.

News of legislative passage of an expanded gambling bill for Kansas was welcomed by members of the National Greyhound Association. "Whew!" said Gary Guccione, executive director of the association. "That's the closest I've come to having to look for a job since I started here."

"Racetracks in Kansas have been struggling in recent years, due to the fact that this is an exploitive industry that treats living creatures like yesterday's news, so a few losers can make their trailer payments," Guccione said.

"This should bail out those tracks for a couple more years. Some of that money should then flow back to greyhound farms 'cause everyone knows with all those people coming out to the tracks to play poker and slots, we're going to need more greyhounds," he added.

The House-passed bill squeaked by the Senate on a 21-19 vote, in an extended session that went into the early morning hours. "All I can say is thanks to the legislators, and thank heaven they can't read." Guccione told reporters at a press conference called in the parking lot of his trailer park.

Gov. Kathleen Sebelius called the bill's passage a "historic achievement" and is expected to sign it. "And by 'historic' I mean incredibly short sighted and down right stupid, but hey, this is Kansas, we believe Adam and Eve rode dinosaurs."

Yeah. We've heard that. Good thing you're in Michigan, right Decaff?

Decaf AKA Pluto is very well-mannered, easygoing and mellow. He has funny ears. He enjoys attention, but is also fine to be resting alone. He enjoys finding a sunny spot on the floor. He doesn’t like it when his foster mom takes a nap on the couch; he wants her to wake up and he will push his head against her. Pluto would do well with a family working part-time or a stay at home family. He needs a home with teenage children or no children. He is good with other dogs and he’d be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: Bongo has a couch!! He took the scenic route to get there but now he firmly ensconced in a nice little burg outside of Flint, Michigan.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Even City Folk Deserve An Opportunity To Be Exploited

You know, you really have to feel for New Yorkers, or more specifically the folks in Manhattan. There was the first attempt on the Twin Towers in 1993, the second attack in 2001, and now a tragedy of even greater proportions, Wal-mart has decided not to build in Manhattan.

Wal-Mart, embattled by failed attempts to open stores in Queens and Staten Island, may be giving up on New York, or at the very least Manhattan. In an interview with The New York Times, Lee Scott, Wal-Mart chief executive and chairman, said that trying to conduct business in New York was so expensive that "I don't think we could increase our profit margins. I mean first of all you got people demanding a living wage and benefits they can actually use, and they got all these union things. Do you know what unions do to profit margins?"

Wal-Mart officials quickly clarified that Scott, who in the interview made repeated references to "New York," was referring to Manhattan, and not the entire city. "It's the illegal immigrants in Manhattan who lose," said one Wal-mart official. "It's just one more low wage no benefit opportunity they won't have."

We would like to be in other boroughs if we can find government officials that will pay us to come, because we know we could suck us some bucks off those communities," said Wal-mart spokesperson Kevin Thornton.

Stuart Applebaum, president of The Retail, Wholesale and Department Store Union said, "They are going to find that no matter where they are in New York City, the response is going to be the same. New Yorkers will not tolerate their way of operating."

"See, that's what I just don't get," responded Scott. "As long as you get your paper towels for 59 cents, what do you care that we paid the factory worker in China 3/5 of a cent? It's not like he's an American or anything. We pay Americans 5 bucks an hour. No overtime though. Don't want to give the store away."

Patricia Edwards, a portfolio manager and retail analyst at Wentworth, Hauser & Violich in Seattle, which manages $9 billion in assets and holds about 42,845 Wal-Mart shares, noted that even if Wal-Mart writes off the New York area, she doesn't see it as a big financial blow. "They'll just suck a few extra bucks out of everyone else, no biggie."

Union-backed critics in New York and elsewhere have waged a fierce campaign against Wal-Mart, asserting that the retailer's wages and benefits are so egregiously low they drive down pay and benefits for many of its competitors and force employees to go on state-funded health care plans. "Well sure, it sounds bad when you say it like that," Scott said.

Wal-Mart entered Chicago last year, it's biggest city, but only after the city's mayor vetoed an ordinance requiring higher wages. "It's a good thing when government looks out for the people," Scott told reporters. "That's why we pay him."

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What? You Mean Congress Can Like, Not Do What I Say?

Oh, sneaky, sneaky Congress. We see what you're up to. You think that just because the president doesn't read the bills he signs because he doesn't plan to pay attention to them anyway, you could sneak a troop withdrawal date past him. Bad Congress, bad. No oversight for you. Luckily for us someone over at the McCain campaign realized that if the war was over by the next election, John Straight Talking Maverick™ McCain would have to come up with policies or something and that could totally derail the whole republican plan to replace one idiot with an older idiot, so they tipped off Karl Rove who broke the news to the president after morning chocolate milk break.

Bush warned lawmakers that he would veto any timetable for withdrawing US troops from Iraq, a move he said would have "disastrous" consequences. "The withdrawal would be disastrous, I mean, not the veto. See, the veto is something I use when I can't get what I want. When I was a kid I used to get what I want by holding my breath, now I just sign a form. Much easier, and I don't get as dizzy heh heh."

If the bill became law, "our enemies in Iraq would simply have to mark their calendars," Bush said. "Whereas now, the plan is to sneak out some night when they least expect it. Hey, if that bin Laden feller can disappear, so can we."

Bush said the budget bills have too much extra spending, too many conditions on our commanders, and an artificial timetable for withdrawal. "If anyone is going to put artificial conditions on our commanders, that's going to be me," Bush said. "I've had a lot of experience with artificial conditions. But I don't drink anymore."

"If Congress fails to pass a bill to fund our troops on the front lines, the American people will know who to hold responsible," he said. "And I'd just like to go one record now as saying it wasn't me. I just sent them there. I did my part."

"Some Democrats believe that by delaying funding for our troops, they can force me to accept restrictions on our commanders that I believe would make withdrawal and defeat more likely, but I ask you, with me as the commander in chief, how much more likely can defeat get?"

He also urged more time for the new US commander in Iraq General David Petraeus's security plan for Baghdad, which includes a surge in the number of soldiers on the ground and increased checkpoints and patrols, to take effect. "See, a lot of people say 'Mr. president,' what's the difference between a timetable for withdrawal and a 'surge' that the insurgents know will end at a certain time? And I say I don't know, I thought surge was something suits were made of."

"And look, I recognize it's going to require a sustained determined effort by minorities and people who can't find jobs for me to succeed. I know that, and I'm willing for them to make that sacrifice. And there's some early signs that are encouraging. General Petraeus' strategy is beginning to show signs of success, if buy success you mean the insurgents have shifted to blowing up Baghdad less and the rest of the country more."

"Funding for our forces in Iraq will begin to run out in mid-April. Members of Congress need to stop talking about "reality" and start pouring more tax dollars down a rat hole, and get a bill to my desk that I can sign into law. I got a vacation coming up and I'm not going to be in town that long."

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Hi, We're The FBI And We're In Your Network. Whether You Want Us There Or Not

First of all we'd just like to say that we hold the FBI in the highest regard. Furthermore, we will be making a phone call to our sainted mother in approximately an hour in which we will discuss at length how we came to our deep and abiding respect for the men and women of the eavesdropping division. Then we'll be ordering a pizza and if Agent Benson would like to get in on that he'll have to beep twice when we ask for pepperoni.

FBI Director Director Robert Mueller appeared before the Senate Judiciary Committee after the Justice Department inspector general revealed abuses in the FBI's use of documents called national security letters to gather such data without approval from a judge. "Well, look, when you say 'without approval, we take that to mean without approval," Mueller said. "How were we supposed to know it still had to be legal?"

Senators were skeptical that the FBI could properly use its Patriot Act blank check to gather telephone, e-mail and financial records of Americans and foreigners while ignoring terrorists. "You were the guy the president thought best suited for the job," said Committee Chairman Senator Patrick Leahy, "So right away we figure you have trouble telling your elbow from a hole in the ground."

Mueller urged the panel not to revise the law. "The statute did not cause the errors," Mueller said. "The fact that no one in the FBI could investigate their way out of a paper bag if one end was open caused the errors."

In a review of headquarters files and a sampling of four of the FBI's 56 field offices, Inspector General Glenn A. Fine found 48 violations of law or presidential directives during 2003-2005. He estimates there may be as many as 3,000 violations throughout the FBI that have not been identified or reported. "That's not bad considering almost everyone in the country is under surveillance," Mueller said. "By the way Senator, those calls to 900 numbers? I'd cut back."

"What I did not do and should have done is put in a compliance program to be sure those procedures were followed," the FBI chief added. "I figured, like, following the law was sufficient. In my defense though, do you know how hard it is to get people to work in an administration as whack as this one? People think they're going to jail just because they heard Karl Rove speak at a staff meeting."

Citing the inspector general report on national security letters and his previous reports criticizing FBI reporting of terrorist cases, of weapons and laptops losses, Senator Arlen Specter said, "Every time we turn around there is another enormous failure by the bureau. And I want you to know that since all this started when I was Chair of this committee, I'm going to do my darnedest to shift the blame to you."

Mueller said he had reduced the problem since learning of it in 2005 but noted that the warrant applications are very long and contain thousands of facts. "See, facts really slow us down. We're like Jack Bauer. Well, except we never catch anyone."

But Republican Senators. Jeff Sessions of Alabama and Orrin Hatch of Utah made clear they opposed altering the law to curb FBI authority. "You've acknowledged the problems and pledged to fix them. That's what Congress and the American people need," Hatch said. "More promises to do better next time. I think we're done here."

The committee plans to hear April 17 from Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who is struggling to keep his job amid criticism of the NSL abuses and the firings of eight U.S. attorneys. "We don't really think he has anything to add to the discussion," said Leahy, "We just like to say 'dead man walking' every time we see him."

Monday, March 26, 2007

Lights! Camera! WingNut!

We're coming to you from the If You Can't Beat 'Em, Join 'Em Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central today, a wholly owned subsidy of the How Hard Can It Be Corporation. Michael Moore, look out. Rick Santorum is getting into the documentary filmmaking business and he's out to tell 'the other side of the story. "My wife got me this video camera for my birthday, so as soon as I can figure out how to set the date and time, I'm going to make a movie."

The first project, Santorum said, would explore the relationship between radical Islam and the radical leftists in various countries around the world, including Latin America. It would be about an hour in length. "After that I start getting cramps in my arm from holding the camera."

The second would be a longer, broader documentary that he said would aim to ''change the culture of America.'' He declined to go into specifics about the proposal. "It will be the Star Wars of the new century," he said. "I play Mr. Spock."

Both of Santorum's projects are still very early in the planning stages and neither has the necessary funding yet, he said. "Spielberg and Lucas are considering my pitch. See, 'pitch' is how us movie makers talk."

Central to most of what he is doing, though, is his focus on what he says are the dangers of 'Brown People,' which Santorum often talked about as he toured the state during his re-election run last year because talking about his record in the Senate was too painful. "The people of Pennsylvania were more interested in jobs and health care," he said. "How you going to like your health care when the Arabs run the country, huh? You made my daughter cry."

He said at the end of his campaign he made a decision to stay in the public sphere because of the gravity of the danger he thinks America faces from people who are neither white nor Christian. "Well, that and no one offered me a job."

''One of the reasons we are not doing well is because our leaders, including myself, have not been direct in describing this enemy and why it is so dangerous,'' Santorum said. "So I figure a movie is the way to go. What about this, evil Islamic robots from the future come back to kill me because they know I am the keymaster? Or maybe it's my son in whom the force is very strong. Not my son in real life, but maybe Matt Damon, or Leonardo DiCaprio."

Santorum is also having a book written for him on a related topic, speaks at bus stops and laundromats and has signed on as a contributor to Fox News. ''The key for me was to stay in the world of ideas,'' Santorum said. "It's not like I have a lot of actual skills, which made me perfect for Fox."

Friday, March 23, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Remember that film classic The Empire Strikes Back? Well, it looks like it's playing out in real life down in West Virginia. Greyhound breeders across the state are slamming the Racing Commission after the agency suspended seven dog owners and then rescinded those suspensions a week later, with what breeders say was little explanation. "One minute we're criminals and the next minute we're not," said Sam Burdette, president of the West Virginia Greyhound Owners and Breeders Association. Make up your mind, which is it? On second thought, forget I asked."

Burdette accused racing commissioner George Sidiropolis of abusing his authority and damaging the reputation of the state's greyhound industry. "And the fact that I can stand here and imply that the greyhound racing industry in this state has a reputation that can be damaged without my head exploding just shows you how serious we are about this matter," Burdette told reporters. Shortly after paramedics were called to Burdette's office and he was taken to a local hospital complaining of a headache and shortness of breath.

After his release, Burdette called the actions of the commission 'demeaning' and "disappointing" to the greyhound industry. "And if anybody knows 'demeaning' and 'depressing', it's us," he said.

Burdette said he thinks the Racing Commission should accept part of the blame if it finds a problem with a breeder's dog health certificates. "After all, they're supposed to be watching us. They know we're crooked as a dog's hind leg and will do anything to suck that last couple of dollars off the social security crowd. So if they can't keep us from breaking the law, they're at fault, not us."

Hmmm...that's a different spin on law enforcement wouldn't you say Time?

Time is very outgoing, curious and friendly. He is easy going, very affectionate, loveable and well-mannered. He loves to be petted and he gives “hugs”. He also likes to lean against people. He enjoys chasing a ball and squeaky toy. He knows how to fetch. Time is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Time would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. He is a very big boy, so he would be better with larger children. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: He loves his squeaky toys. He jumps up and catches a toy and he likes to play tug-of-war. He will catch toys if you throw them up in the air.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Freedom's On The March. Just Has To Keep Its Head Down, That's All

Ha! Take that all you nervous Nellies, you Cassandras, you Nattering Nabobs of Negativity...

Can we take a moment here to point out that Nattering Nabobs of Negativity phrase just came to us out of the blue as we were typing, and far be it from us to suggest that there's a Watergate zeitgeist in the air, what with the current president Nixon hunkering down behind a mountain of documents, invoking executive privilege and just generally trying to get folks to believe he is not a crook. No way would we suggest that the current president Nixon's troubles what with fired prosecutors, and a war gone bad are in anyway similar to any other previous situation where pretty much the same thing was going on. And now back to your regularly scheduled blog...

The surge is working and you defeatocrat, leftard islamocommiefascistninjashadowwarriors just hate that don't you? Baghdad is so safe foreign dignitaries are now visiting with regularity. A rocket landed near the prime minister's office Thursday during the first visit to Iraq by the head of the United Nations in nearly a year and a half, sending Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon ducking unharmed behind a podium at a news conference.

There. What do you think of the president's war plan now you...wait...We're sorry, did you say rocket? The attack came as Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki's government said it had been negotiating with Sunni insurgents for months, and the U.S. military said that it had released a senior aide to Shiite cleric Muqtada al-Sadr on al-Maliki's request. "We're pretty sure it was a celebratory rocket just gone astray," said one military official from his bunker. "Nothing to worry about as long as you stay below ground."

The rocket caused no injuries but rattled the building in the heavily guarded Green Zone, sent small chips of debris floating from the ceiling, and left a three-foot-wide crater about 50 yards away outside. "This is more proof that the insurgency is in its last throes," said vice president Cheney from his undisclosed location. "Last year they would have hit the building."

It struck right after al-Maliki, standing next to Ban, had finished telling reporters that Ban's visit was a sign that Iraq was on the road to stability. "Of course I'm only speaking metaphorically," al-Maliki said after the dust settled.

Ban had just finished giving an answer to question and it was being translated into Arabic as the rocket struck with a big explosion.

A worried-looking Ban appeared frightened, casting his eyes right and left as he rose after ducking behind the podium where he was standing and answering questions with al-Maliki. He turned to one of his aides and asked: "Is it OK?"

"Of course it's not OK," the aide replied. "Where do you think you are? In the Sudan?"

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

In Other News, McCain Thinks Giuliani Is A Fat Head

We're coming to you today from the My Daddy's Bigger Than Your Daddy Department here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Seems the Emm Ess Emm, or as we like to call them, Reporters Without Enough Seniority to be Assigned to Britney or Paris, have decided that Hillary and Barack are a spattin'. Presidential hopeful Barack Obama reminded Senate colleagues that he'd opposed the Iraq war from the start — the latest flare-up in a continuing clash over the conflict with his chief Democratic rival Hillary Rodham Clinton. Despite repeated requests from reporters, Obama would not drive over to Clinton's office and throw a rock through her window. "Does this guy really have what it takes to lead the free world?" Fox commentator John Gibson asked. "He's not white, you know."

Since the media have decided that both candidates' credibility and leadership are on the line because that's easier than writing about their positions, Obama said he wanted to make his record clear. "Look, if John Edwards can apologize even 15 seconds for voting for the war, I can remind you just as often that I didn't." When a reporter reminded him that he was supposed to be attacking Clinton he added, "Yeah. Um...She's kind of chunky, don't you think?"

The matter came to a head at a forum at Harvard University, where Clinton strategist Mark Penn squared off with Obama adviser David Axelrod over the Illinois senator's voting record on the war. "Obama ugly," said Penn. "So's yo mama," Axelrod responded.

In an editorial in the Wall Street Journal, guest columnist Matt Drudge characterized the debate as "one of the most important exchanges in the campaign. And I'm not gay."

"Iraq is the issue that is first among equals right now, and these candidates are under incredible pressure from party activists to talk about it in a detailed way," Democratic strategist Erik Smith said. "So when Obama tells us he's against the war, we need to know more. What was he wearing the day he decided to oppose it? How did he get to work? Is he a dog person or a cat person? If he could be a tree, what kind of tree would he be?"

Clinton has been under pressure from Democratic activists critical of her vote. She's refused to repudiate the vote, but has harshly criticized the conduct of the war, saying "if we knew then what we know now" she never would have voted as she did. "How was I to know I'd be up against a black man in the primaries?"

Voters care more about ending the Iraq conflict than revisiting how it started. "That's true," said Obama aide Axelrod. So the senator is going to continue supporting toothless resolutions that Bush can ignore."

"The same goes for Senator Clinton," added Penn. "That's a policy both camps can agree on." Later, reporters told Axelrod that a rumor was going around that Penn had called him names at lunch in the cafeteria. Senator Obama's office later released a statement that said both camps would work out their differences "at recess."

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

We Can't Do Worse Than Bush, Can We? Please Say We Can't

OK, we know, even though it's early in the season, you've been wondering about which presidential candidate will receive the coveted Doesn't Make Us Throw Up In Our Mouths Endorsement from the denizens here at IM Central.

Well, you're just going to have to keep waiting because so far no candidate has been able to accomplish the aforementioned feat. Of course the fact that we put Stoli on our corn flakes could also have something to do with our penchant for throw...umm...let's get on to the next issue, shall we? What we want to say is we remain fully and decisively indecisive. Of course we are aware of the responsible and exalted position we hold in the blogoshere, and are completely cognizant of our duty to those readers who look to us for guidance, inspiration and Mojito recipes...oh wait, that's George. Come to think of it, guidance and inspiration comes from our Lord and Master, Dark Prince of the Internet Tubes, The Evil Kos.

So basically, our analysis and recommendations are about as useful and sought after as a screen door on a submarine.

But when has that ever stopped us?

Gather round oh, readers with too little to do, for today, here in the marbled halls of IM Central, we inaugurate a new feature to appear sporadically, as in when we remember we started it, called Meet Defeat 08: This Is The Best We Can Do? in which we introduce you to the losers who are so power hungry, so driven by naked ambition, so deeply in the pockets of the special interests and completely divorced from the concerns of regular citizens that they can't help but give themselves to the country out of their strong desire to serve and better our nation. First up, John Straight Talking Maverick™ McCain.

Republican presidential hopeful John McCain praised a new apartment building for homeless veterans. "I'd just like to say to all those serving now, that when you become homeless veterans, we've got your back." McCain said. "Well, if you live in New Hampshire, that is," he continued. "Of course pretty soon this building will be filled, so those of you who become homeless after that are just on your own I guess. What is my position on homeless veterans who don't have a home? Can somebody get me that?"

McCain, a Vietnam war veteran who endured years of torture as a presidential candidate, spoke at the dedication of Buckingham Place, a 20-unit apartment building that will open next month. "I'd also like to thank the Queen and Prince Charles for grasiously donating this's that? Place, not Palace? Oh. What's my position on spelling?"

Just days before the dedication ceremony, Buckingham Place and a shelter for homeless veterans in Manchester, N.H., learned they would not be getting $400,000 federal grants they had expected. "What's that? They're not getting the money? Oh, bummer. You should write your Congressman or something. Well, I'm out of here."

Monday, March 19, 2007

When F. U. Doesn't Mean F. U. But Should

We're coming to you today from the Department of Anniversaries We Shouldn't Be Talking About But Have To Because The Emm Ess Emm Twinkydinks Won't Shut Up About It. Or as we like to call it, The Eighth Anniversary of the Friedman Unit.

Alas though, we fear that even in the midst of the celebration, some of the original crew of jaunty imperialists are, how shall we say, showing some wear around the edges. Check this out from the Secretary of Shoes:

Condoleeza Rice staunchly defended going to war in Iraq but acknowledged the Bush administration likely erred by failing consistently to send enough troops to stop a bar fight. "It worked perfectly on paper," she told reporters outside Bonwit Teller. "After that it's all Rummy's fault. Now if you'll excuse me, there's a sale."

Yes, that pesky reality. Well, the best laid plans and all of that, right Mr. president? "It can be tempting to look at the challenges in Iraq and conclude that our best option is to impeach me," Bush said. "While that may be satisfying in the short run, the consequences for American security would be devastating. Can you say president Dick Cheney?"

No argument here, but Disco Jebus on a skateboard Mr. president, don't you think that given the fact that you and your gang of cerebral homunculi have been so totally, consistently, completely, uniformly, entirely, unfluctuatingly, utterly, dependably, absolutely, reliably, unconditionally, undeviatingly, unreservedly, predictably, altogether, downright wrong with a capital W (and the rest of the letters capital for that matter), that maybe you ought to give half a listen to the folks who've been telling you that you and your gang of cerebral homunculi have been so totally, consistently, completely, uniformly, entirely, unfluctuatingly, utterly, dependably, absolutely, reliably, unconditionally, undeviatingly, unreservedly, predictably, altogether, downright wrong with a capital W (and the rest of the letters capital for that matter) for the last four years?

Four years later and after more than 3,200 deaths of U.S. servicemen and women, Rice said patience still is required and asserted anew that the Iraqis are making headway.

Yeah. Didn't think so. Did we mention that the administration seems to be wrong a lot?

Bush has repeatedly refused to set a timetable for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq, saying such a move will depend on the magic eight ball and the ability of Iraqi security forces develop super powers. "We're thinking they need to be like the Spiderman," the president said. "With Spidey sense, they'd know if there was an insurgent anywhere within ten miles. Or the Hulk. They could be the Hulk too."

Asked on CBS's "The Early Show" to say what the administration could have done better, Secretary Rice replied, "I don't know. When we look back over time we will know the answer to that question."

And by looking back over time you mean the last four years, right?

Bush has repeatedly warned Americans that premature withdrawal from Iraq would endanger the United States by giving al Qaeda a safe haven for launching attacks on U.S. interests and allies. "If we leave Iraq, all the terrorists would relocate from their safe havens in Pakistan and will essentially be on our coast."

When told that the distance between Pakistan and the United State and Iraq and the United States was approximately the same the president replied that eh was pretty sure "you can get more flights" out of Iraq. "Everybody's leaving Iraq," the president continued. "Place is a death trap."

Bush's critics contend that the Iraq war has distracted U.S. attention and resources from the war in Afghanistan which they regard as a more important fight against Islamic militants. "Dag!" the president said when reminded of Afghanistan. "I was wondering where we could get some more troops for my surge. Somebody get me Gates on the phone."

Friday, March 16, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

Hey, you think Attorney General Alberto "Berty slick lips" Gonzales has problems, try being Paul Carbonneau for a while. You may remember him as the overlord we told you about last week whose short lived career as a document forger was about to come to an end (Damn you gloppy white out!). Well, it looks like he has company.

The West Virginia Racing Commission has suspended racing privileges for seven more greyhound breeders until they can prove their dogs are healthy and free of steroids. "Look, one of the greyhounds we're testing is six feet tall and has a neck that 24 inches around. We're not buying that he's just a 'big eater.'" said George T. Sidiropolis, chairman of the West Virginia Racing Commission.

Dean Miner, one of the breeders charged told reporters, "No one gave me a definitive explanation why I was being forced off the track, but I do have a pretty good idea why.'' He declined to elaborate on advice of his attorney who was heard to say, "Don't admit to anything and wash that white out off your hands."

Meanwhile, another group of overlords we told you about several weeks ago is still trying to get the state gaming commission to let them lose their shirts. Again. The National Cattle Congress will appeal a judge's ruling that keeps the group from re-establishing dog racing at the Waterloo Greyhound Park. Barnaby Scuttle, law student for NCC filed a notice to appeal the ruling to the Iowa Supreme Court. "We just don't think it's in the purview of the courts to protect stupid people from themselves," Scuttle told reporters. "And make sure you get that I said 'purview,'" he added. "We just learned that."

Apparently neither ethics nor intelligence are in the "purview" of the overlords, huh Bubba?

Bubba is friendly, playful, a quick learner and affectionate. He loves attention. He is a happy dog that wags his tale often. Bubba is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Bubba would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children 10 and up. He is good with female dogs, but he prefers to be the only male dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update Bongo would do best in a home with another average to larger size dog to keep him company, as he tends to be vocal when left alone.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

What We Want To Know Is Did The Teacher Tell The Class To Get Busy?

We're not quite sure what to make of this, except to say we're beginning to regret taking Spanish instead of shop back when we had the chance. In our defense, we should point out that the only reason we took Spanish was because we had a crush on Linda Flores who, because of her last name, we also believed already spoke the language fluently and thus would provide us with the perfect, "let's study together" cover.

Warren Township Superintendent Dr. Peggy Hinckley faced parents, cameras and tough questions about two 6th graders engaging in sexual activity in an Industrial Arts class while other students sat nearby listening to Howard Stern on their ipods. "We think they may have been working on an extra credit project for their biology class," she told a group of incredulous parents.

Dr. Hinckley described how students hid the sexual acts behind a work station. "All students have to do is sit down and scoot under the desk and the teacher can't see anything."

OK, so our question is, how do those students score on the state proficiency exam, because it seems their planning and problem solving skills are right up there. With their libidos.

According to the superintendent, most of the children were working inside this production room. The teacher was moving between the two rooms supervising. But according to the superintendent he could not see the children's activity across this cubicle."His first clue that something was amiss was when he heard someone shouting 'Who's your daddy now! Say my name! Say my name!'"

"Working inside the production room." So that's what the kids are calling it these days.

"If you want to know, and you feel you have a right to know what's going on in your child's school for God's sake keep an eye on You Tube," parent Nancy Martin told the crowd.

The Superintendent said there are changes on the way. For starters, the tops of the cubicles will come down so that teachers can see clearly that students are only engaging in missionary sex. "None of that west coast kinky stuff around here," she told parents. The district confirmed that it had dropped plans to add saltpeter to all school lunches and require school uniforms with locking zippers, but said it would look at improving communications, possibly hiring a media cover up professional and adding sex ed classes taught by monks.

Well, the media guy OK, but it seems to us the kids got all the ed about sex they need right about now.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Let's Agree To Discuss The Dicussion Of What Discussion We Might Discuss

We're coming to you from the Department of Magnanimity today, here in the marbled halls of IM Central. Yesterday we cast aspersions upon the members of the current House of Representatives. Well, the democratic members actually. The republicans got aspersions up the wazoo and we're not going there. Anyway, we implied that the duly elected majority of the House was somewhat less that steely eyed in their resolve to carry out the people's will and get busy ending the war.

If by implied you mean we called them a bunch of wusses. So, having said that we must offer kudos to those members of the senate, who, grasping the colors from their fallen brethren, have charged forward and opened their own front in the war to end the war.

The U.S. Senate voted on Wednesday to consider a Democratic plan to withdraw U.S. troops from Iraq.

Yay! We're going to talk about what we should talk about.

Excuse us, we just have to know, is the president shaking in his boots yet? Does he sense the righteous wrath he has called down on himself? We're just asking because once this debate gets started someone is sure to point out that his administration has been what you might call...uh...a debacle.

See, since the president is so closely connected to the people, we know how sensitive he is about his public image and we're just afraid that when the senate starts talking about the war it's liable to get out that he hasn't been an unqualified success as a chief executive.

"It's about time we had courage to stand up and say to the president, Mr. President, we're going to start talking about all the bad, bad things you did, and may even call you a poopy head," Delaware Democrat Senator Joseph Biden said.

"I'm really encouraged that the senate is has decided to begin talking about the war," said Marine Sgt. Ty Ziegel, "I'm sure all my fellow Marines feel much safer now, knowing that senators will no longer let their sacrifice go undiscussed."

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

It's Hard To Vote When You're Hiding Under Your Desk

OK, here's the deal: The Republican symbol is an elephant because, even though it's slow, once it gets going in a particular direction it's pretty hard to stop, and if you get in the way...well just ask Gore and Kerry. Now, the democrat(ic) symbol is a donkey because now the the election is over WE'RE GETTING READY TO KICK SOME BUSH BUTT!!!11!

Oh, Congress is back baby, and it's on now. Hey "King" George. Better check that tea 'cause it's about to be in the harbor. Go get 'em boys:

Democratic leaders are stripping from a military spending bill for the war in Iran a requirement that president Bush gain approval from Congress before moving against Iran.

Oh Yeah! How you like us now Georgie? How 'bout some of this don't need to ask Congress to start another war all up in your grill? That's...That's...wait a minute...your saying he doesn't have to get approval to start another war?

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and other leaders agreed to remove the requirement concerning Iran after conservative Democrats as well as other lawmakers worried it might displease the president. "Look, his domestic policies are DOA, his administration is a shambles. Starting wars is about all the poor fellow has left," an aide to representative Pelosi told reporters.

The overall bill — which requires that the withdrawal of U.S. combat troops from Iraq by Sept. 1, 2008, unless the president uses the magic word remained on schedule for an initial test vote Thursday by the vice president's congressional oversight and intimidation committee.

The measure provides nearly $100 billion to pay for two wars and includes more money than Bush had requested for operations in Afghanistan. Still, House Republicans said they wouldn't support it and the White House threatened a veto. "We don't feel it's in the country's best interest to limit the president to two wars," said Minority Leader John Boehner.

"Republicans will continue to stand united in this debate, and will oppose efforts by Democrats to undermine the ability of General (David) Petraeus and our troops to achieve victory in the Global War on Terror," he added. "That is what we want isn't? I didn't see today's talking points" Later the Senator's office issued a clarification apologizing for not using the term "cut and run" when describing democrats.

The vice president criticized supporters of the bill's withdrawal provisions, declaring in a speech Monday that they were "interfering with Hallibuton's quarterly profit margins."

Pelosi issued a written statement that said the vice president's remarks prove that "the administration's answer to continuing violence in Iraq is more troops and more treasure from the American people."

"So what?" the vice president responded. "What are you going to do about it, Nancy girl? I bet you never even shot a gun, let alone killed a pen raised bird with clipped wings." Pelosi's office later withdrew her comments and issued a statement saying she hoped to "work together with the administration to find a solution acceptable both sides."

"Being in Tehran for Christmas, that's my solution," Cheney told reporters.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid said in a statement that America was less safe today because of the war. The president "must change course, and it's time for the Senate to demand he do it," he added. "And tomorrow I"m going right up to the White House and ask the president for permission to make that demand. By the way, Cheney's out of town tomorrow, right?"

Representative Shelley Berkley (D - Bruises Easily) said, "It would take away perhaps the most important negotiating tool that the U.S. has when it comes to Iran," she said of the now-abandoned provision.

"I didn't think it was a very wise idea to take something as uncivilized, brutal and wasteful as war off the table if you're trying to get people to modify their behavior and normalize it in a civilized way," said Representative Gary Ackerman (D - Heavily Medicated). "Particularly since the two wars we're fighting now are going so well."

Several officials said there was widespread opposition to the proposal at a closed-door meeting last week of conservative and moderate Democrats, who said they feared tying the hands of the administration when dealing with an unpredictable and potentially hostile regime in Tehran. "Look, these guys screw up when all the options are there," said one unnamed source close to the negotiations. "We were just too afraid of what they might do with some restrictions."

Monday, March 12, 2007

De Plan Boss, De Plan!

Ha. Who says four years of failure won't teach a body something about the need for flexibility? Well, unless you're Condoleeza Rice, or maybe General Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, neither of whom have left the island yet. But eventually, of course, someone has to explain the whole plan isn't working thing. What to do? What to do? Oh, we know. How about a plan B?

U.S. military planners have begun work on a fallback strategy in case the U.S. troop buildup in Iraq has the same level of success as the previous 437 plans for success in Iraq. Actually, there's only been one plan for success in Iraq. It's just that it's been tried 437 times. Each time with a different hat, though. Anyway, the strategy, based partly on the U.S. experience in El Salvador in the 1980s, is in the early planning stages according to U.S. military officials and Pentagon consultants who spoke on condition of anonymity. "Yeah, we decided to go the Death Squad route," explained one consultant.

The United States sent 55 Green Berets to El Salvador to help its military fight rebels from 1981 to 1992, in a drive to make the U.S. military presence less visible. "We figure pretty soon there will only be about 55 guys left in the military anyway, the way this war is going," said the consultant. " And that's if you count the wounded."

Shifting from a troop increase to more reliance on an advisory role would bring the administration more in line with the Iraq Study Group, the bipartisan panel that recommended a gradual reduction in U.S. combat forces in Iraq. "Well, that's just a coincidence," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "The president never actually read the ISG Report. Not enough pictures."

Friday, March 09, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

One thing you have to give the overlords is that they're consistent. Crookedly consistent, but consistent none the less. Last week we told you about James Gartland who was giving people money to pump up the betting pot so he could skim it. Hey, we said they were consistent, not smart. Anyway, this week we introduce you to Paul Carbonneau who has found a novel way to cut costs at the track: don't vaccinate the dogs.

State officials are investigating whether one of West Virginia's top greyhound breeders altered health certificates for at least 35 dogs. George T. Sidiropolis, chairman of the West Virginia Racing Commission, said all 35 of Carbonneau's greyhounds at the Nitro track have been quarantined and suspended from racing until Carbonneau presents proof that the dogs' vaccinations are up to date. "We were suspicious because of all the white out on the certificates," Sidiropolis said. "And when we noticed that rabies was misspelled all throughout we opened an investigation."

"I plan to present the proof shorty," Carbonneau said. "As soon as I buy a dictionary." A veterinarian examined five Carbonneau-bred dogs at Wheeling Island Racetrack and Gaming Center's kennel on Wednesday and found no evidence of disease, Sidiropolis said, but blood tests were still being conducted on those animals to test for steroids. "I may have gotten the bottles confused," Carbonneau told reporters. "Steroid dose, distemper vaccine. Easy to confuse."

Yeah. Not learning to read those five years you spent in third grade will do that to you, right Blaze?

Lookin for Gold AKA Blaze is a quiet, loving, easygoing and friendly dog. He is a little shy in new situations, but enjoys people and attention. He will soak up all the attention that you give him. He will fall asleep contently with just a few minutes of rubbing between his ears. He is a quick learner that is taking well to his training. Blaze is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Blaze would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. Blaze is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. He will make a great companion for a family that is “Looking for Gold.” For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: He is much more confident. He is not afraid of loud noises. He knows “wait”, “NO” and “leave it.” He has become the attention hound and always wants to be near his foster mom.

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Well, If You Wouldn't Have Gone And Got Yourself All Shot Up You Wouldn't Need A Hospital

OK, let's say you decide to actually serve your country because you can't find anything better to do. And let's say your decision, unfortunately, occurs in conjunction with the appointment of the worst president in the history of this country. Soon, you find yourself in a war in a far off land, relying on the same crowd of incompetents that got you into the war in the first place to support and supply you. And then, to no one's surprise given the situation you're in, you get wounded and are sent back home. Well, you think, it could be worse. You're alive, no one is shooting at you any more, and you'll soon be a veteran. You've heard the president's speeches; you've listened to the politicians; you've seen the car magnets. You know how much people respect veterans, especially now. Yep, things are definitely looking up.

Then you remember, George Bush is your commander in chief.

Bush said a bipartisan panel he named to investigate problems at the nation's military and veterans hospitals would work to restore confidence in the system of caring for wounded troops. "I'm confident that this commission will bring forth the truth," he said.

When asked how much more "truth" needed to be brought out considering the administration had known about substandard conditions at Walter Reed for years, Bush responded that what he really meant by "truth" was "a way to blame this on Clinton."

The president announced he had ordered a comprehensive review of conditions at military and veterans hospitals, which have been overwhelmed by injured troops from his wars. "Look, I'm not saying people are getting hurt on purpose," Bush said. "It's just awful coincidental that all these guys show up at once, don't you think?"

"Obviously somebody dropped the ball," said panel member Robert Dole, who as a young Army officer during World War II was grievously wounded in action in the Italian Apennine Mountains. "We prefer to think of it as never having picked up the ball in the first place," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "You can't really blame us for screwing up if we don't do anything."

Already grappling with low approval ratings and eager to avoid charges that he failed to act promptly, for about the 947th time in his administration, Bush said an interagency task force of seven Cabinet secretaries, led by Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson, would be convened to determine what can be done to blame the situation on the democrats. "They're the party in power," the president said. "You elected them, not me."

"When you're seeing over 1 million patients a week, you have to be very good, and if there is any one patient who doesn't get the care that they deserve, that's unacceptable," Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson said. "Although I have to say this whole thing wouldn't have happened if the soldiers didn't get wounded so much. You know some guys have been here more than once?"

"The American people can feel very good about the health care system that their VA is providing to veterans," Nicholson said. "As long as they don't need its services that is."

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

Come To Vermont, Motto: Cheney Can't Shoot All Of Us

Full disclosure: We are not Constitutional Scholars. Just wanted to get that out there for those of you who may have been confused by our learned discourses of matters legal, as well as the erudite exegeses of complex and convoluted political, social, scientific and religious issues that you have come to expect by the authors of this blog.

We crack us up.

Anyway, with the limited knowledge of the constitution we have, we're pretty sure states can't impeach the president. More than 30 Vermont towns passed resolutions seeking to impeach president Bush. "We're trying to determine if Vermont is actually part of the United States," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "It's pretty close to Canada you know."

"We're putting impeachment on the table," said James Leas, a Vermont lawyer who helped to draft the resolutions and is tracking the votes. "It's quite possible that Vermont is a part of the Axis of Evil that we had overlooked," Snowjob told reporters. "The president is considering dispatching a carrier group to the area."

The resolutions passed on Vermont's annual town meeting day -- a colonial era tradition where citizens debate issues of the day big and small -- are symbolic and cannot force Congress to impeach Bush. "Oh, that's different," said a spokesperson for the Pentagon. "Would you please all hand back those flyers showing how we think Vermont has WMD's?"

The idea of impeaching Bush resides firmly outside the political mainstream. The new Democratic-controlled Congress has steered clear of the subject, and Wisconsin Senator Russell Feingold's call last year to censure Bush -- a step short of an impeachment -- found scant support on Capitol Hill, even among fellow Democrats. "Do you want to see Cheney president?" asked one democrat who declined to be identified. "We may be cowards, but we aren't stupid cowards," he added.

Sixteen Vermont towns passed a separate "soldiers home now" resolution calling on the White House, the U.S. Congress and Vermont's elected officials to withdraw troops from Iraq. "Why does everyone keep dumping this in Congress' lap?" complained one democratic senator. "Like we're supposed to solve all the country's problems."

Residents of Burlington were voting on a separate question calling for a new investigation into the September 11 attacks. Voters were asked to circle "yes" or "no" to the question: "Shall Vermont's Congressional Delegation be advised to demand a new, thorough, and truly independent forensic investigation that fully addresses the many questions surrounding the tragic events of September 11, 2001?"

A group known as Scholars for 9/11 Truth believes the events of that day were part of a conspiracy engineered by the U.S. government and that it took more than two planes to bring down the Twin Towers in New York.

"Really?" said Snowjob when told of the ballot question. "See, this just proves that these people are a bunch of far out nut jobs whose connection with reality is tenuous at best, who only see what they want to see and assume that something will be true just because they think it is. Oh wait, that's us."

Tuesday, March 06, 2007

The People Elected Democrats Because They Want Change. Is That OK With You Mr. President Sir?

Yes, you may have already had your day brightened by our whimsical portrayal of our hapless president, lost once again in a mess of his own making, posted below, but ever eager to please our reader (Hi Mom!) we come to you today from the Twofer Department here at IM Central, a wholly owned subsidy of the Boss Is Taking A Vacation Day Corporation.

Besides, the party that campaigned on saving America from the Bush administration has been put into power. You didn't think we could pass this up, did you?

Senior House Democrats, seeking to stick their noses further up the butts of members of their party from Republican-leaning districts, are pushing a plan that would place "restrictions" on president Bush's ability to wage the war in Iraq but would allow him to waive them if he says pretty please with sugar on top. "Look, we just got back into the big offices, you think we want to screw that up by actually doing something," asked one democratic senator who requested anonymity.

Under the proposal, Bush would be asked politely, and with all due respect to set a date to begin to talk about the date that troop withdrawals could be discussed in Congress if the Iraqi government fails to continually redefine benchmarks aimed at keeping American troops in Iraq until the second coming. "We can't get too aggressive about this," said one democratic congressional aide. "You don't know what it's like when the president sends Cheney over here."

The plan is an attempt to bridge the differences between Democrats who actually give a rip, led by John Murtha (D - Gonads) and Democrats wary of doing something that might be construed as actually corresponding to the major reason they were elected in the first place. "I signed a lease," said one newly elected democratic representative. "Plus, I don't want to screw up in my first term and not qualify for the pension."

The legislative hand wringing in the back rooms of Capitol Hill underscores the difficulties the Democrats face in confronting the issue that helped them regain control of Congress -- Iraq. "Come on, when we were all like 'end the war' before the election, we didn't mean you should take us seriously," said one aide to a democratic senator. "You say what you think will get you elected. That's how it works, right?"

Democrats hope the pretty please and "adjustable" benchmark proposals will keep the policymaking responsibilities on Bush. "Look, the guy's doing the best he can," said one democratic congressman from a republican district. "Give his surge a few years to work, that's what I say."

Anti war groups, such as the Service Employees International Union,, Win Without War and the Iraq veterans group VoteVets -- insisted there would be more support for a straightforward approach to ending the war. "What do they know?" said a democratic senator who asked not to be named because "Cheney might read this. Those anti war people, they never had to run for election."

Democratic leaders are not likely to embrace a straightforward legislative timetable. But they hope the adoption of the "adjustable" benchmarks will win over antiwar groups. "Just give us five more years," said one democratic leader, "And then if it isn't working, we're out." When asked if he was proposing a withdrawal of troops in five years, he responded, "No. I mean I'll be vested in the health and pension plan by then, and then I'm out."

In the Senate, Democratic leaders are drafting a resolution that would drastically narrow the scope of the military mission in Iraq to that of a support role, with the emphasis on counterterrorism activities. "We'll be ready to go as soon as Cheney signs off on it," said one democratic senator on the committee.

Democrats intend to give Republicans broad latitude to offer their own Iraq-related measures. If Republicans go along, the result could be a remarkably meaningless and completely scripted "debate" -- but nothing of consequence is likely to pass. "What's your point?" asked one democratic representative.

Metaphors Be With You

Hey George! It ain't Monday and it ain't Flickr, but how we doin'?
George Bush stands amid the latest representation of his entire administration and contemplates a move to Paraguay.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Friday Hound Blogging

We're coming to you from the It Can't Happen Here Department at IM Central. We've written many times in the past about the above board nature of greyhound racing and the impeccable credentials necessary to become an overlord. So you can imagine that we are shocked we tell you shocked to discover this:

An investigation is being conducted into allegations of illegal betting at The Woodlands racetrack, authorities said. "For the life of us we can't figure out why someone would want to cheat on a two dollar bet," said a spokesperson for the Racing and Gaming Commission. "But then, most of these guys are about one sandwich short of a picnic basket if you get my drift."

James Gartland, a spokesman for The Woodlands, a horse and dog track in Kansas City, Kansas, said the allegations are without merit. "I'll bet you two bucks they don't find a thing. Anyone got two bucks they can lend me?

Stephen Martino, executive director of the Kansas Racing and Gaming Commission, said there is an administrative complaint regarding allegations of a conspiracy to engage in illegal gambling. "I know, I know," Martino said. "The first thing I thought of when I read that there was a 'conspiracy' was come on, these guys have enough trouble getting their shoes on the right feet. Conspiracy? Who you trying to kid?"

Earlier this year, the Racing and Gaming Commission refused to approve Gartland’s periodic background check, which essentially removed Gartland as general manager of the track. He continues to work there, he said, in nonracing operations. "I'm in charge of office snacks," he told reporters.

Last year, Gartland paid a $300 fine after pleading no contest to having a gambler place wagers equaling $300 to $400 to help cover shortfalls in a Tri-Superfecta wagering pool.

Wait a minute. You mean the betting is so poor at the track they have to artificially bump the jackpot up and their still trying to find ways to skim the take? How soon do you think it will be until they're just stealing from themselves, Rosey?

Rosey is a very friendly and loving dog who seeks attention from everyone she meets. Rosey is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Rosey would do well in a family that had someone home most of the time or that has another dog, as she tends to be vocal when her family is out of sight. She would probably be good with kids 8 and up. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Bongo Update: Bongo continues to do well in his foster home, but he is getting a little impatient for a forever couch.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Have Faith. It's Easier Than Thinking

You know, this is really a low blow. After all, the president's whole administration has been faith based.

We'll find the WMD's. Have faith in us.

The Levees will hold. Have faith in us.

Sure they're all terrorists in Gitmo. Have faith in us.

We won't eavesdrop on everyone. Have faith in us.

A few more troops will turn the tide. Have faith in us.

You really don't need all those rights in the Constitution. Have faith in us.

In January 2001, soon after he became president, Bush issued an executive order creating the White House Office of Faith-Based Government and Global Initiatives. "The president believes that too much emphasis is placed on science and logic," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "Besides, he didn't do well in those classes in college."

One of the goals Bush set was to create faith based initiatives to fight poverty, substance abuse, terrorism, the weather, the deficit and other social problems.

Bush administration lawyer Paul Clement argued that a 1968 Supreme Court precedent allows taxpayer challenges to congressional spending, but not to executive branch actions. "Actually I don't even know why I'm here," Clement said. "It's not like the president has to listen to you guys or anything. Who do you think you're dealing with here, Clinton?"