Well, If You Wouldn't Have Gone And Got Yourself All Shot Up You Wouldn't Need A Hospital

OK, let's say you decide to actually serve your country because you can't find anything better to do. And let's say your decision, unfortunately, occurs in conjunction with the appointment of the worst president in the history of this country. Soon, you find yourself in a war in a far off land, relying on the same crowd of incompetents that got you into the war in the first place to support and supply you. And then, to no one's surprise given the situation you're in, you get wounded and are sent back home. Well, you think, it could be worse. You're alive, no one is shooting at you any more, and you'll soon be a veteran. You've heard the president's speeches; you've listened to the politicians; you've seen the car magnets. You know how much people respect veterans, especially now. Yep, things are definitely looking up.

Then you remember, George Bush is your commander in chief.

Bush said a bipartisan panel he named to investigate problems at the nation's military and veterans hospitals would work to restore confidence in the system of caring for wounded troops. "I'm confident that this commission will bring forth the truth," he said.

When asked how much more "truth" needed to be brought out considering the administration had known about substandard conditions at Walter Reed for years, Bush responded that what he really meant by "truth" was "a way to blame this on Clinton."

The president announced he had ordered a comprehensive review of conditions at military and veterans hospitals, which have been overwhelmed by injured troops from his wars. "Look, I'm not saying people are getting hurt on purpose," Bush said. "It's just awful coincidental that all these guys show up at once, don't you think?"

"Obviously somebody dropped the ball," said panel member Robert Dole, who as a young Army officer during World War II was grievously wounded in action in the Italian Apennine Mountains. "We prefer to think of it as never having picked up the ball in the first place," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snowjob. "You can't really blame us for screwing up if we don't do anything."

Already grappling with low approval ratings and eager to avoid charges that he failed to act promptly, for about the 947th time in his administration, Bush said an interagency task force of seven Cabinet secretaries, led by Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson, would be convened to determine what can be done to blame the situation on the democrats. "They're the party in power," the president said. "You elected them, not me."

"When you're seeing over 1 million patients a week, you have to be very good, and if there is any one patient who doesn't get the care that they deserve, that's unacceptable," Veterans Affairs Secretary Jim Nicholson said. "Although I have to say this whole thing wouldn't have happened if the soldiers didn't get wounded so much. You know some guys have been here more than once?"

"The American people can feel very good about the health care system that their VA is providing to veterans," Nicholson said. "As long as they don't need its services that is."