Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What? You Mean Congress Can Like, Not Do What I Say?

Oh, sneaky, sneaky Congress. We see what you're up to. You think that just because the president doesn't read the bills he signs because he doesn't plan to pay attention to them anyway, you could sneak a troop withdrawal date past him. Bad Congress, bad. No oversight for you. Luckily for us someone over at the McCain campaign realized that if the war was over by the next election, John Straight Talking Maverick™ McCain would have to come up with policies or something and that could totally derail the whole republican plan to replace one idiot with an older idiot, so they tipped off Karl Rove who broke the news to the president after morning chocolate milk break.

Bush warned lawmakers that he would veto any timetable for withdrawing US troops from Iraq, a move he said would have "disastrous" consequences. "The withdrawal would be disastrous, I mean, not the veto. See, the veto is something I use when I can't get what I want. When I was a kid I used to get what I want by holding my breath, now I just sign a form. Much easier, and I don't get as dizzy heh heh."

If the bill became law, "our enemies in Iraq would simply have to mark their calendars," Bush said. "Whereas now, the plan is to sneak out some night when they least expect it. Hey, if that bin Laden feller can disappear, so can we."

Bush said the budget bills have too much extra spending, too many conditions on our commanders, and an artificial timetable for withdrawal. "If anyone is going to put artificial conditions on our commanders, that's going to be me," Bush said. "I've had a lot of experience with artificial conditions. But I don't drink anymore."

"If Congress fails to pass a bill to fund our troops on the front lines, the American people will know who to hold responsible," he said. "And I'd just like to go one record now as saying it wasn't me. I just sent them there. I did my part."

"Some Democrats believe that by delaying funding for our troops, they can force me to accept restrictions on our commanders that I believe would make withdrawal and defeat more likely, but I ask you, with me as the commander in chief, how much more likely can defeat get?"

He also urged more time for the new US commander in Iraq General David Petraeus's security plan for Baghdad, which includes a surge in the number of soldiers on the ground and increased checkpoints and patrols, to take effect. "See, a lot of people say 'Mr. president,' what's the difference between a timetable for withdrawal and a 'surge' that the insurgents know will end at a certain time? And I say I don't know, I thought surge was something suits were made of."

"And look, I recognize it's going to require a sustained determined effort by minorities and people who can't find jobs for me to succeed. I know that, and I'm willing for them to make that sacrifice. And there's some early signs that are encouraging. General Petraeus' strategy is beginning to show signs of success, if buy success you mean the insurgents have shifted to blowing up Baghdad less and the rest of the country more."

"Funding for our forces in Iraq will begin to run out in mid-April. Members of Congress need to stop talking about "reality" and start pouring more tax dollars down a rat hole, and get a bill to my desk that I can sign into law. I got a vacation coming up and I'm not going to be in town that long."

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