Wednesday, January 24, 2007

My Fellow Americans, I Come Before You Tonight To Say Reality Is Harshing My Mellow

When asked by reporters what the best part of the SOTUS was going to be, White House Spokesman Tony Snowjob replied, "You know, it's difficult to say. It's like looking in a drawer full of diamonds."

Hahahahahahahaha!! That Tony Snowjob, what a card! Of course when you get most of your daily nutrition from a Scotch bottle, it's sort of expected that you'll say things like that from time to time.

Yet, in the great spirit of fair play and balanced discussion that are hallmarks of this blog we have to say he may have a point.

If by diamonds you mean dog turds. And not the fresh, squishy, stinky ones either, but the old, dry, wrinkled ones. You know the ones that sort of crumble? The ones the dogs don't even want to smell any more?

But we digress.

After sucking up to Speaker Pelosi--which was probably one of the smarter things he did. Think about it. A women his posse had described as "poisonous" was now standing behind him with a huge gavel. Sure, the vice president had his back, but he's old. Pelosi could probably have taken him out and still got the president before he could get off the podium. Anyway, after sucking up to her, the president turned his attention to the economy. He said the "economy is on the move." And it is. Up if you're rich and down if you're not.

Then came the part of the speech that impressed us the most. He called for a balanced budget and his head didn't explode, although we did seem some steam shoot out from behind his ears as the pressure release vents opened. Still, it's encouraging that a man who turned a 230 billion dollar surplus into an 8.6 trillion dollar debt finally figured out that the government and stuff. Especially if we're going to invade Iran. Come on, you can't expect the Iranians to pay for the war the way the Iraqis did.

It was around this time that the Stoli began to kick in so we sort of started drifting in and out, which, if you think about it, probably most of the Congress was doing as well.

The president may have said something about health insurance, or it could have been the pizza delivery boy. Something about a tax credit to buy health insurance, which sounds great...if you pay taxes.

Then the president said if we'll stop running our cars on gas, he'll stop invading middle eastern countries. Or something. Corn was mentioned for some reason.

Things really began to get fuzzy after that. Something about how our kids are smarter because we sent them to school in Afghanistan.

Then the president turned his attention to foreign policy. Or maybe it was a commercial. Anyway, somebody said, "Our military commanders and I have carefully weighed the options. We discussed every possible approach. In the end, I chose this course of action because New Orleans is pretty much saving. If you live there, move to Houston."

We must have fallen asleep after that because the next thing we remember was the Daily Show. Or maybe we had been watching that all along.

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