If You Think This Is Good, Wait Until You're Old Enough To Vote

Ah, guest speakers. We remember them fondly from our days as inmates of the American educorporate training system. Although truth be told, we weren't allowed access to the general public on too many occasions. It may have had something to do with our willingness to answer rhetorical questions, like the time the local pastor started his talk by asking what religion was. "The organized worship of a deity or deities," said one of the miscreants in the back row.

Kind of took the wind out of the good Padre's sails.

Another time the local shill from the Chamber of Commerce stopped by to extol the virtues of unfettered capitalism. "America is the only place where nothing stands between you and success," says he. "Except the color of your skin," opined Dan, whom everyone referred to as Black Panther Dan due to his rather strong views on race. Oddly enough, years later we were to find out that Black Panther Dan was actually Haitian, not African American as we all had assumed. Don't know why that matters, except it did explain his musical preferences.

Anyway, the point is if we had had guest speaker like this, maybe we'd have all turned out differently, or at least let the speaker get on with his presentation unmolested.

A state legislator surprised a high school class when the computer he was using projected a photo of a nude woman during a lecture on how a bill becomes a law.

OK, given the size of the D.C. Madam's phone book, senator Vitter, and Duke Cunningham, we're not sure that for the republicans, how a bill becomes a law doesn't really involve a naked lady somewhere. Oh, and let's not forget Mark Foley, oh wait, that one is about boys, OK let's do forget that one.

State Representative Matthew Barrett was giving a civics lesson when he inserted a data memory stick into the school computer and the projected image of a topless woman appeared.

Hmmm..."civics lesson." So that's what the kids are calling it these days. And whose "memory stick" was inserted where?

Police interviewed Barrett and school officials and seized the data memory stick and the computer to determine where the image came from, a state highway patrol spokesman said. "This is going to take hours of intensive investigation," the spokesperson said. "Hours and hours. Maybe days."

Barrett said there were a few snickers from the approximately 20 students in the senior government class at Norwalk High School when the image appeared.

"A few snickers?" See, this is what's wrong with kids today. They just don't know how to respond appropriately when presented with a true educational opportunity. Why, if anybody had of showed us a picture of a nude women back in the day, the janitors would have been hosing kids off the ceiling for a week. We knew how to make our educorporate overlords' efforts worth their while.

Barrett said the school's technology director determined the stick had a directory of nude images in addition to his presentation on civics lessons. "There was 'Voting is Bootilicious,' 'The Housewife and the Pollster,' and ''Debbie Does Democracy,' to name a few, he said.

Barrett said the data memory stick was a gift he received about three weeks ago from a legislative liaison from the state Library of Ohio. "I believe her name was Tawny Spankalot," Barrett said.

America! Motto: We Coulda Been A Contender

Frequent reader(s) of this blog realize the ultimate futility of rational expectations...erm...we mean know that our rather ragged and desultory career path has taken us through several of the institutional educorporate training facilities in this once great sovereign nation of ours, and that in so doing we have touched the lives of untold thousands of America's youth.

And yes that should concern you, however our point today is to metaphorically throw up our hands and say to the forces of backwardness, ignorance and cultural death by a thousand cuts of stupid, "You win."

Schoolchildren in Louisiana are to be taught that the Loch Ness monster is real in a bid by religious educators to disprove Darwin's theory of evolution. Thousands of children in the southern state will receive publicly-funded vouchers for the next school year to attend private schools where Scotland's most famous mythological beast will be taught as a real living creature.

This is how great nations become historical afterthoughts. Think about it. America, the single country that has been awarded the most Nobel prizes, the first nation to put men on the moon, to invent the mechanical reaper, the Internet, the MRI, hot pockets, is now reduced to telling children that the Loch Ness monster is real because to say otherwise would confirm what scientists have known for more than 150 years.

We're told there is a Bill in the Louisiana legislature that would make it a misdemeanor to tell children that Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny are not real.

Critics have damned the content of the course books, calling them "bizarre" and accusing them of promoting radical religious and political ideologies.

"Bizarre?" Is that the best you can do? How about "fatal?" Look, 98% of Climate Scientists agree that human generated greenhouse gasses are affecting the earth's climate, and we may in fact already be too late to do anything about it. We are years past peak oil, yet have not come to grips with what a post petroleum society might look like. Capitalist economic systems have been shattered by greed and corruption and none of the current crop of leaders seem to know what to do about it. We have become so ethically bereft that hardly anyone sees a problem with using robot bombs on civilians and creating a government hit list that rivals anything Al Capone ever came up with. And to prepare the next generation to step into this world, you're telling than that monsters live under the water.

The deficit as a burden on future generations is going to be the least of their problems.

Good News: Never Get Shoved Into The Girl's Bathroom

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that entropy is the master of us all on this long, desultory slide to heat death...er...we mean know that we do what passes for work to earn what passes for our salary deep in the bowels of the local educorporate training complex. By way of full disclosure this means that our views on homeschooling might be somewhat skewed by our career choice, but then most of our other views are somewhat skewed by copious amounts of Stolichnaya, so tomato tomahto.

OK, all that being said we've pretty much concluded over the years that homeschooling is like any other kind of schooling in that there are good home schools and bad ones. Home schools have certain advantages over regular schools (can go to class in your pajamas) and certain disadvantages (dog ate my homework gambit not an option), so when we read about the plight of poor Mrs. Mule it occurred to us that for some folks assuming you can properly educate your youngster because you can read is like assuming you can drive the NASCAR circuit because you have a driver's license.

Home-school mom Susan Mule wishes she hadn't taken a friend's advice and tried a textbook from a popular Christian publisher for her 10-year-old's biology lessons.

Yeah. Typical rookie mistake, listening to the sales pitch. Always request a desk copy to see if there's anything in the book that remotely resembles what the publisher advertises. Oh, and if you're going to teach out of the book, it helps if you've read it first. Just saying.

Mule's precocious daughter Elizabeth excels at science and has been studying tarantulas since she was 5. But she watched Elizabeth's excitement turn to confusion when they reached the evolution section of the book from Apologia Educational Ministries, which disputed Charles Darwin's theory. "I thought she was going to have a coronary," Mule said of her daughter, who is now 16 and taking college courses in Houston. "She's like, 'This is not true!'"

Now, we'd be the first to admit we learn things from our students, but generally about things peripheral to the class, like computer softwares, or web sites. Stuff like that.  It's generally not considered educationally sound to have the students know more than the teacher about what they are supposed to be learning. Sort of defeats the purpose of school if you catch our drift.

"The majority of home-schoolers don't really want to learn anything," said Ian Slatter, a spokesman for the Home School Checkers and Macrame Club. "Most home-schoolers will definitely have a sort of creationist component to their home-school program to guarantee what passes for their education is the finest the 17th century can provide. We're not sure how those heathens got in the program. Especially that 'precocious' one. What does that even mean?"

"Those who do not believe that the Bible is the inspired, inerrant Word of God will find many points in this book puzzling, if by 'puzzling' you mean batspit howl at the moon off the rails insane," says the introduction to "Biology: Third Edition" from Bob Jones University Press. "This book was not written for them and that's a bit of a problem because a lot of the people the book was written for can't read."

The textbook delivers a religious ultimatum to young readers and parents, warning in its "History of Life" chapter that a "Christian worldview ... has to be protected from reality at all costs and anyone who rejects it probably went to one of them evil government schools where they teach things like the wimmins is equal and other communist stuff."

In Kentucky, Lexington home-schooler Mia Perry remembers feeling disheartened when she realized she was surrounded by people who believed god was powerful enough to flood the whole world, but not powerful enough to set aside an island or something somewhere to put the stuff he wanted to save, so he had to have some yokel build a boat for him. "We're not trying to make sure our kids stay ignorant, so there's somewhat of a feeling of being outnumbered," said Perry, who has home-schooled three of her four children after removing her oldest child from a public school because of a health condition.

Apologia and Bob Jones University Press say their science books sell well because they have a lot of pictures. Apologia's "Exploring Creation" biology textbook retails for $65, while Bob Jones' "Biology" Third Edition lists at $52."And just to reiterate the point, we no longer accept payment in chickens or vegetables," said Jay Wile, a former janitorial aide in Indianapolis who helped launch the Apologia curriculum.

Jerry Coyne, an ecology and evolution professor at the University of Chicago and Virginia Tech biology professor Duncan Porter reviewed excerpts from the Apologia and Bob Jones biology textbooks, which are equivalent to ninth- and 10th-grade biology lessons. Porter said he would give the books an F."They start off all right," Porter said. "But then you get to chapter six and all it says is 'And then a miracle happened.' Not exactly the scientific approach I was looking for."

Wile countered that Coyne "feels compelled to lie in order to prop up a failing hypothesis (evolution). Oh wait, we're the ones propping up a failing hypothesis. OK. Well, at least do not lie to the students because we believe this stuff ourselves and it's all right to be stupid as long as you're honest about it."

 Adam Brown's parents say their 16-year-old son's belief in the Bible's creation story isn't deterring him from pursuing a career in marine biology. His parents, Ken and Polly Brown, taught him at their Cedar Grove, Ind., home using the Apologia curriculum and other science texts that actually had some connection to the real world.

 Polly Brown said her son would gladly take college courses that include evolution, and he'll be able to provide the expected answers even though he disagrees.

Yeah. Nothing recommends  home schooling better than parents teaching their children useless information then telling them not to use it.

Texas! Motto: Forget About Alabama*, We're The New South

Oh man, where were these guys when we were suffering through chemistry, physics, biology and all those other ologies inflicted on us by our educorporate overlords. If only we had known the secret back then. If only it had occurred to us what the answer was. If only we had thought it through instead of fantasizing about standing under the safety shower with Kristina Wosinkowski. Ah, those plain white blouses. We just knew if we could get one wet...sorry, where were we? Oh yeah, science.

The answer was right in front of us all along: Don't like school science? Make up your own!

A California-rejected Christian research institute cleared a hurdle in its bid to obtain approval from the state to operate its master's degree program in Texas when a committee recommended that it be allowed to seek accreditation. "What really sealed the deal for us was when they promised to eliminate the number six in all their programs," said a member of the committee. "Because, you know, 666? Satan? Can't have Satan contaminating our science."

Allow us to step in here and say that we realize the juxtaposition of the terms "christian" and "Research" may be jarring to readers who do not find the 21st century fraught with peril, but bear with us, it's just Texas. (Note to James, nothing personal, dude. Just business)

The Institute for Creation Research offers online degrees in science education, provided students don't care too much about the science part. Its courses are taught from a literal biblical worldview for students who plan a career interfereing with biology and other science classes. It is run by home schooled young earth creationists, who believe that God created the earth in six days between 6,000 and 10,000 years ago, and have yet to go on a date without their mothers.

Patricia Nason, the institute's department chairwoman for science misinformation, said most of the institute's students end up teaching at private christian schools "because they can't get hired anywhere else." But, she said, they learn about evolution and are qualified to teach in public schools. "If by qualified you mean they've been trained stick their fingers in their ears and go 'LALALALALA I can't hear you,' every time someone mentions the Discovery Channel," she added. "Besides, the christian schools can only support so many of these bozos. We've got to find someplace else for them, or our placement statistics will drop."

It has about 30 students from around the world who couldn't get into the University of Phoenix, most of them misfits or aspiring perverts, and four full-time faulty members. It requires students to minor in subjects such as why our god is the coolest, bestest god evah!, and Nason said the faculty use "current literature in the sciences and also in science education. Of course by 'current' we mean Matthew, Mark, Luke and John."

The Texas Higher Education Coordinating Board will make a final decision next month on whether to issue a certificate of authority, which would give the institute two years to obtain accreditation. An advisory committee voted unanimously Friday to recommend the board grant the certificate. In related matters, the committee also voted to reconsider giving women the vote, and to bring back stoning as a punishment for blasphemers, and people from blue states.

*Alabama: Gateway to the 1600's

March 2, 2006

Why are you reading this?

As professional members of the educorporate training collective we often turn our gaze in the direction of matters pedagogical. Hence the drinking. And as denizens of the classroom for more years than we care to admit to now, we offer you this little tidbit of prognostication: The young are going to kill us. Offered for your consideration:   Don't Think Of Them As Charter Schools, Think Of Them As Snake Oil Salesmen Retirement Communities.

We generally don't pay too much attention to the pundit class, other than occasionally wondering how they can say some of the things they say without their heads exploding, but we recently ran across this column by John Stossel, and having watched as much as we could of his recent spit flecked rant about schools we thought we'd give it a perusal and see if his new medication had been effective.

Apparently not, for the mustache writes:

Bureaucrats like to say, you will go to this school, because we said so, and you will be taught according to this program, because we said so and we know best. Those of us with confidence in markets think you could do better deciding for yourself.

Yep. No one is in a better position to decide for him or herself where to go to school than a kindergartner, unless its a kindergartner's parents who work full time, try to have some home life and look forward to driving all over the country checking out schools all of which, because of the "free market" spend most of their budget on advertising that promises to make every child a genius. It's 25 degrees and snow here now John. We'd like to go to school in San Diego. Can you arrange that for us?

Educational experts, freed from the massive regulations that snarl the public schools, can come up with new and better ideas for teaching.

Umm...except there is no regulation that prevents educational experts from coming up with new and better ways of teaching. In fact, most teachers will tell you that they are bombarded with so many new and different ways of teaching they often can't keep them straight and hence the phrase "pedagogy du jour."

No one individual can begin to imagine what competition would create.

Well, you may have a point there Johnny boy. Just look what competition did for the airline (can you say bankrupt) industry, and the energy (can you say Enron) industry. Oh, and let's not forget what Bechtel did for competition when they privatized the water supply in Cochabamba, Bolivia. All those peasants competing for a drink of water, now there's some free market sumpin sumpin all up in your grill Mr. Third World dirt farmer. Deal with it! Who's got your charter now Jose?

Would you keep going back to a restaurant that served you a bad meal? Or a barber that gave you a bad haircut? Competition makes everything better.

Ah...John? Educating human beings to take their places as functioning members of a democratic society is a tad bit more complicated than making a ham sandwich or getting the balance right on your mustache trim. Just saying.

So many students want to get into charter schools many have to hold lotteries.

Well, it is a gamble, we'll give you that. The kids could end up here, or here, or here, or here, or here or here, or the biggest losing ticket of all, here.

In 2001, Harvard economist Caroline Hoxby found that Milwaukee's private school vouchers made the nearby public schools change. Competition worked — for human beings, and for public education.

Erm...would that be this Caroline Hoxby?

Well, let's leave Mr. Stossel to converse with the voices in his head and go ask an actual educator what his views are on the subject. Dr. Bracey, what do you have to say about Mr. Stossel's argument?

In retrospect, this was a hopelessly naïve and simplistic notion of the way schools operate, but it caught many people's fancy. It has proved to be the latest in the apparently never-ending fusillade of magic bullets targeted at the schools.

Heh. Indeedy.

Straight Eye For The Queer Guy

As professional curriculum technicians at our local educorporate training facility, we'd like to offer our services to the vatican as they attempt to design an evaluative instrument for the purpose of determining the particular skill set needed for entrants into the priesthood. Well, the particular skill set not needed in this case, bu that's minor quibble.

The Melbourne Catholic Church has embraced a vatican recommendation to test potential priests for sexual orientation.

Very good. Now, the first step the aspiring test giver must take is to determine which type of test will adequately measure the skills and knowledge he or she wishes to test. Usually the choices are multiple choice, true false, essay, or some combination, but in this case due to the special nature of the test and its rather narrow focus we suggest show tunes.

Under the guidelines, potential priests who "appear" to be gay must be banned.

Ah ha. A common mistake among less experienced evaluative interlocutors. Appearances are often deceiving and do not constitute an empirically valid level of measurement upon which a determination can be based. Allow us to explain with an example from your own country: Mel Gibson. On the surface, the subject appears rational, sane and arguably talented, yet he wrote and directed Apocalypto apparently expecting that people would want to see it. It turns out, however, they were much more interested in his views on Semite culture than Mayan.

The head of the Vatican committee that made the recommendations has made it clear celibate gays should also be banned because homosexuality is ‘‘a type of deviation’’.

Well, we have to admit that given what's come to light the last few years, the vatican certainly knows a lot about deviancy, so the potential to measure it is probably well within their means.

Victorian Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby spokeswoman Hayley Conway said the church was sending a ‘‘dangerous and offensive’’ message about sexuality.

Not true at all. The very act of creating a test determines that some things are important (those that are tested) and some things are not (those that aren't tested, say empathy and compassion, just as examples).

‘‘If the plan is to root out pedophilia or child molestation, targeting people with homosexual tendencies isn’t the way to go about it.’’

Of course not, Ms. Conway. Would you expect a history test to measure mathematical skills? Another instrument will have to be created for measurement in those areas. Perhaps the vatican could contract with an expert in those fields to conduct intensive interviews with incoming seminarians. We hear Michael Jackson isn't busy.

Outspoken Catholic priest Father Bob Maguire said the document ‘‘flies in the face of secular society’s sense of fairness and justice’’. ‘‘The point is not to what gender you are attracted, but how you manage that attraction,’’ he said.

Well said father. Couldn't have stated it better ourselves. Or maybe we could have.

The Book Was Fast Tracked Right After We Found A Font Where The I's Were Dotted With Smiley Faces

Frequent readers of this blog know that there are no happy endings...er...we mean know that we earn our bread toiling in the fields of the local educorporate training facility as educational technicians, more specifically molding today's youth into young Aristoltes Ciceros, Vicos and Blairs.

For the record, we could not write the previous with a straight face. Anyway, it has come to our attention that a new star has risen in the rhetorical universe and it burns. Uh, brightly, burns brightly we mean. Sorry about that.

Fans and foes alike are hoping for surprises in Sarah Palin's memoir, Going Rogue: An American Life, which leapfrogged Dan Brown and Glenn Beck to the top of the Amazon.com bestseller last week before even being published. But with a few weeks to go until the book hits shelves on Nov. 17, the biggest shocker so far is the sheer speed with which she wrote it.

Now, having read our share of hastily constructed students papers, we aren't necessarily impressed with the speed at which ideas can be vomited onto the page, but with the quality of said ideas.

Palin's publisher says the answer is simple: hard work. "When she resigned as governor, she had a lot more time and was able to really devote herself full-time to writing the book," says Tina Andreadis, a spokesperson for HarperCollins. "That's really all that there is."

OK, now while this might sound impressive to those outside of the fraternity of professional educators, we--whose motto is: Crap! Not four sections of freshman comp again--know that speed and hard work seldom are seen in the same neighborhood, and in fact are often mutually exclusive.

Palin had help. Editorial sidekicks are par for the course in political memoirs, though ghostwriters say many pols are heavily involved in the writing process. Palin's assist came from Lynn Vincent, a writer for the Christian news magazine WORLD, who has also co-authored several other books.

See, now this makes sense. It's like we teach our students, if you put your name on someone else's work, that's plagiarism. If you pay to put your name on someone else's work, that's publishing gold.

Palin was apparently clear from the start about her book's mission: "It will be nice through an unfiltered forum to get to speak truthfully about who we are and what we stand for and what Alaska is all about," she told the Anchorage Daily News back in May, when the deal was first announced.

Clear goals are essential, but it is just as important to be realistic about abilities, so with a writer like Sarah, while we might praise her clarity of vision, we might also point out that accomplishing her objective will be difficult with a vocabulary that consists of words of less than three syllables.

The publisher has to calculate whether or not getting a book out quickly will drive up sales. In that sense, the decision to expedite Palin's memoir was a slam dunk, since the quick turnaround ensures the book will hit shelves with just 38 shopping days until Christmas. "It's holiday time, which is the best, best time to sell a book," says HarperCollins' Andreadis.

Well, that certainly makes sense. We mean, here's a book that's a perfect gift for the book lovers on your list who can't read.

But Science Is So Much Easier When You Get To Make It Up

See, the thing we never liked about science back when we were denizens of and educorporate training facility was that there was no wiggle room. We mean, you mix two chemicals together and you clear out the lab and have to have a talk with the Fire Marshall and the school psychologist.

Now today, mix those same chemicals together and the explosion may not actually have been an explosion. In fact, it is only secular relativists who believe that the combination of certain chemicals produces violent changes in the state of those chemicals. True believes know it is really just god's way of saying the room is too hot and needs to be cooled off by having all its windows blown out.

Smithsonian Institution toned down an exhibit on climate change in the Arctic for fear of angering the U.S. Congress and the Bush administration, says Robert Sullivan, a former administrator at the museum. "I told them the chances of Bush ever visiting a museum were about the same as it raining monkeys in Anchorage, but they said sometimes Inhofe wandered in when he was drunk and might see the exhibit."

Among other things, the script, or official text, of last year's exhibit was rewritten to minimize and inject more uncertainty into the relationship between global warming and humans. "We're just trying to teach the controversy," said White House spokeswoman Kristen Hellmer. "But since we really couldn't find much of a controversy, we decided to go with obfuscation."

Officials omitted scientists' interpretation of some research and let visitors draw their own conclusions from the data. "Well, most of the people who come through there are trained scientists and statisticians," Hellmer said. "We just didn't want the exhibits to be redundant."

"It just became tooth-pulling to get solid science out without toning it down," said Sullivan, who resigned last fall after 16 years at the museum. He said he left after higher-ups tried to reassign him. "I was up for promotion, but I failed my bible quiz. They said it had more to do with that than the climate thing."

Smithsonian officials denied that political concerns influenced the exhibit, saying the changes were made for reasons of objectivity. And some scientists who consulted on the project said nothing major was omitted. "Do we put good science ahead of politics? Soitenly," Said Dr. Curly.

In recent months, the White House has been accused of trying to muzzle scientists researching global warming at NASA and other agencies. "'Muzzle' is such a harsh word," said Hellmer. "It's more like...well, OK muzzle is about right."

Sullivan said the changes in the climate-change exhibit were requested by executives who included then-museum Director Cristian Samper and his boss, former Undersecretary for Science David Evans. Samper, now acting Smithsonian secretary, said he was not aware of scientists' objections. "No one ever said anything to me. Of course, come to think of it, that was right after we had all the locks changed and our phone number unlisted."

Evans refused to comment. At least it appeared that he refused to comment, but it was hard to tell as he was speaking in tongues.

Randall Kremer, a spokesman for the natural history museum, said atmospheric science was outside the Smithsonian's expertise, so the museum avoided the issue of what is causing the Arctic changes. When asked why the museum couldn't have brought in people who did have the required expertise to evaluate the exhibit Kremer responded, "You mean there are guys that know about this stuff?"

Arizona! Motto: Education Has Been About Learning Stuff For Too Long

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that hope is the thin paper of dreams wrapped temporarily around the inevitability of entropy...erm...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central often discourse on the state of productive efficiency vs-a-vs American educorporate training facilities and their eventual effluvia, namely students. In fact, it is a topic so near and dear to our collective cardiai that we have even been known to engage in the aforementioned pixel torment while sober.

So you can imagine our surprise when, after years of opining on and participating in the warping of young minds to our godless, socialist ways we found out we had it all wrong. And you can imagine the positively logarithmic increase in both our amazement and our chagrin when we were informed it was those educational philosopher kings and queens of the Arizona legislature who explained it to us.

See, all these years we thought education was about student teacher relationships, pedagogy, learning theory, child development, pre-service and in-service training and a host of other issues related to the functional development of human beings, when actually it was just about keeping liberal professors from cursing at conservative professors as they deny them tenure.

Arizona legislators are considering one bill that would punish college instructors whose speech or actions would violate broadcast obscenity standards and another bill designed to protect conservative faculty members from discrimination in getting hired or tenured.

 Introduced by Republican Sen. Lori Klein, the restrictions apply to any “person who provides classroom instruction” in public institutions from preschools to community colleges and four-year universities. "When I was a little girl I used to watch liberal professors chase down conservative professors with dogs, turn fire hoses on them, make them come in the back door and sit in certain areas of the cafeteria and I vowed back then if I ever got in a position of power I would do something about it," Klein said.

Klein, who before her election was employed as Arizona's official state example of the need for better community mental health facilities, told reporters that she was also considering introducing legislation to make pointing and laughing, eye rolling and "twirling one's index finger in either the clockwise or counter clockwise direction while in close proximity to one's temple" a felony. "How you like me now, seventh grade class at St Stephens," she said.

John Curtis, director of research and public policy for the AAUP, said the bill is probably unconstitutional and seems fundamentally inconsistent with the whole idea of higher education and academic freedom. "Does he have a point?" asked a spokesperson from Klein's office.

Timothy Secomb, a University of Arizona physiology professor, wonders what might happen when a medical class discusses the reproductive system or sexual behavior. Those lessons often involve graphic images and discussions that probably wouldn’t be allowed during prime time on CBS, but that Secomb argues are essential in training students. "We're not spending tax dollars to send our children into liberal dens of porn," Klien said. "Medical training is something that should be handled at home by the parents."

In Arizona’s other chamber, legislators are debating a bill that would ban discrimination based on a public college faculty member’s religious or political beliefs, or the amount of time they spend conversing with the voices in their heads. Rep. Tom Forese, the Republican from Paranoia who introduced the measure, told the Verde News the bill is designed to protect conservatives who feel they are discriminated against in the hiring and tenuring process, explaining that such persons fear retribution and must “pretend to think or believe in a different way in order to fit in. Sort of like what I had to do to convince people to vote for me,” he added.

His bill mandates that hiring and tenuring decisions be “on the basis of that faculty member’s competence and appropriate knowledge in the field.” Hey, hiring people based on "competence and appropriate knowledge in the field." Why didn't we think of that? Thanks representative Forese!

The Bill also asks colleges to assemble their staffs “with a view toward fostering a plurality of methodologies and perspectives.” Hmmm..."fostering a plurality" huh. So you want us to look for conservatives to hire to offset the commies and atheists we usually hire. OK that sounds...wait a minute. That's AFFIRMATIVE ACTION!! We can't do that. Every conservative we hire will have to live with doubt. Were they hired because of their skills or were they hired because of your Bill. That's not the America we want to live in.

Secomb, the physiology professor, also opposes the bill. He said religious and political discrimination is a “nonissue” in his experience, and that asking for a variety of perspectives among faculty members could be dangerous. “In many fields,” he said, “there may be a consensus that some methodologies and perspectives are unacceptable. For example, in the sciences we often find that hiring creationists, religious fanatics or unmedicated loons is counterproductive.”

Representative Forese admitted that his Bill might need "some tweaks," but  pointed to statistics showing a rising number of students were being home schooled as a defense. "These kids are coming out of a certain kind of educational culture," he said. "We just want teachers they can relate to."

Ask Teachers In Sillsbee What They Do For a Living And They'll Say Stay Out Of Bolton's Way

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know Mondays are the harbingers of despair...erm...we mean know that as card carrying members of the local educorporate training facility we often write about our brothers and sisters who worship with us here at the altar of knowledge.

But sometimes those peers are high on incense.

A high school girl from Texas — we don't know her name — claimed several boys forced her into a room, locked the door, held her down and sexually assaulted her at a party when she was 16 years old in 2008. Witnesses said that when others heard her yelling “Stop” and started banging on the door, the boys escaped through a window, leaving their clothes behind.

Now you would think, given the relative state of undress of the perpetrators, it would have been pretty easy to track them down. But wait, it gets even easier.

Witnesses later said Rakheem Bolton, one of the boys involved, returned to the house for his clothes, shouting obscenities about the girl to the owner of the house.

That's right, not only did this fine specimen of Texas manhood return to the scene of the crime to retrieve his Abercrombie and Fitch, he took a little time out of his busy schedule being a felon to voice his displeasure with the pleasure provided by the young lady he had just victimized.

OK, so you got witnesses, evidence and a perp who apparently isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer. Open and shut, right?

Did we mention this is Texas?

A grand jury in Silsbee, Texas, refused to return charges against Bolton, a football and basketball star at Silsbee High School.

Now, before you go getting all up on your high horse about this, remember, the rapist played two sports.

The district attorney said publicly he wasn't surprised, noting that the grand jury wasn't sure about a lack of consent. He mentioned that all of the individuals had been drinking.

Little known fact: Texas Public Act 65-19(d) states that when there is underage drinking going on  being dragged into a room, trapped and heard screaming for help is not cause to suspect fowl play because, hey, there's drinking going on and boys will be boys, you know? Oh, and she was probably asking for it, being a girl and all don't you know.

So, the adults looked into the situation, made their determination and life goes on, right?

Four months later, the girl, a cheerleader for Silsbee High, was cheering for her team when Bolton went to the free-throw line. She had been cheering for the team the whole game, but when Bolton went to the line, she didn't cheer. She folded her arms and stood still. She had done this before without incident.

Oh, now that's definitely a bad attitude right there. Somebody needs to set this girl straight. We can't have this kind of disrespect and open insolence here at Silsbee High. Where are the school officials?

School officials, including — get this — the Silsbee principal and the district superintendent, confronted her for not cheering and ordered her to chant with the others: “Two, four, six, eight, ten! Go, Rakheem! Put it in!”

'Bout time somebody in authority said something to this girl. After all, these kids have to learn respect, they...wait...what was she supposed to cheer?

“Two, four, six, eight, ten! Go, Rakheem! Put it in!”

Wow. How can you pack that much stupid in just one city? There's got to be some sort of stupid compression algorithm operating here. First the grand jury can't indict a kid who came back naked and yelled about the girl he'd just raped because they were too busy trying to pick their noses without poking themselves in the eye, and now the chief educational office of the district and the chief educational office in the high school in question who somehow managed to dress themselves and get to a game exhibit a degree of cluelessness truly galactic in scope.

This is going to make Silsbee a tourist attraction for sure. We can see it now, "Visit Silsbee Texas, We Make Texas Smarter Because Most Of The Stupid Is Here."

It didn't end there. Her father was incensed. He wouldn't let it go. In part because of the D.A.'s public comments about the earlier grand jury proceeding, another grand jury was seated and a special prosecutor appointed. This grand jury indicted Bolton and another boy on a felony charge of sexual assault of a child.

Oops. Looks like the fun's over there Rakheem. Time to pay the piper.

Bolton wound up pleading guilty to a lesser charge of misdemeanor assault.

Sure, but the superintendent made him autograph fifty basketballs for the kids down at the elementary school. Role model you know. And when the principal testified as a character witness, he said it was just a youthful indiscretion, a one time mistake by an otherwise good boy who has really learned his lesson and taken responsibility for his actions.

The problem lies with the school. Here's how bad it was, how much the school wanted this Bolton kid to play. After he threatened a science teacher, his penalty was lessened from suspension to an in-school suspension so he'd be able to play in the playoffs.In fact, according to U.S. Supreme Court documents, the school actually shortened its school day on the second day of that suspension to allow Bolton to be on the bus for an out-of-town game.

They have a science class? Doesn't that sort of thing cut into basketball practice?

It Worked When They Did It On Law And Order

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know the dawn of a new age is the death of the previous one...er...we mean know we keep the wolf from our door by engaging in compensated activities at the local educorporate training facility. Or, as one of our more erudite colleagues put it once, we touch the future.

Scary huh? Well, our point is we didn't just walk into this career, nosirree. It took years of classroom training, internships under the guidance of experienced mentors, apprenticing with masters, post graduate training and through it all we accumulated precious experience which we used to sharpen our skills, improve our professional judgment and hone our craft.

We tell you all of this by way of demonstrating that teachers are highly trained, talented professionals able to cope with the tremendous responsibility of educating the youth of this great country. Well, except for these guys.

A former Upper St. Clair High School student who already claimed she had been raped once was raped again on school property after school officials used her as bait in a failed attempt to catch students they believed were having sex in the building,

Umm...What?

The allegation was made in a lengthy response filed by attorneys for the unidentified former student against the district's motion to throw out the lawsuit brought by the former student. Upper St. Clair school district is asking U.S. District Chief Judge Gary L. Lancaster to find in its favor, arguing that the plaintiffs cannot prove the district was deliberately indifferent to the possibility that the student would be assaulted.

Right. Because how else can you say "We care" if not by putting a student who had been sexually assaulted in a position where she could be assaulted again while you watched.

According to the brief by the student's attorney, on Feb. 4, 2008, the girl went to one of her teachers, Esther von Waldow, and told her that a boy, with whom she'd had previous problems, had forced her to have sex with him after school. The girl told Ms. von Waldow that he forced another student to have sex, as well.

Ah. See here's where years of training and experience kick in.

Ms. von Waldow, according to the brief, immediately went to school administrators with concerns and offered several options to make sure the girls in question got home safely. They included offering herself to walk the girls to their school bus.

See, that right there is caring. That's professionalism. That's going the extra mile, so all you teacher bashers out there you remember Mrs. von Waldow the next time you get ready to get all up on your high horse and explain to teachers why they aren't doing their jobs.

But, the filing said, school Principal Michael Ghilani had a different idea.

Rats. A principal with an idea. This can't be good.

"Instead, Ghilani wanted to keep Jane Doe on school property and not let her leave. Ghilani's plan, known as the 'sting operation,' was to use Jane Doe as 'bait' to lead the school administrators to [the boy] and perhaps other girls."

OK, here's our question: Were all the police on vacation that day?

He devised a plan to have school police officers follow the students in question to determine who they were and where they were going.

Yeah. "School police officers." These are the substitute bus drivers and second string janitorial staff moonlighting for a few extra bucks. This is going to end well.

The officers followed the students and believed that they had gone home for the day.

Hmm...Sherlock Holmes they ain't.

The girl's attorneys contend that two girls were raped in the stairwell that afternoon, including their client.

Well let's see. Two girls raped, plus the client and, of course at at least one perpetrator. That's four kids at minimum running around the school after hours (when it's mostly empty) and principal Ghilani's crack detective squad couldn't find any of them. You think there may be a flaw in your logic there Mr. Ghilani sir?

But in court documents filed by the school district, there are allegations that relationships between the boy in question and several of the girls who claim to be victims were consensual. The district argues that the girls liked him, and were jealous of the others.

Why didn't you say so in the first place? It's all the girls' fault. Case closed.

School officials also claim that they knew nothing of any sexual assaults by the boy until the morning of Feb. 5, 2008 -- the day after the alleged "sting."

They claimed this right after it was announced that Ms. von Waldow had been granted "personal leave" so she could take that trip to Tahiti she'd always dreamed about. All expenses paid of course. Upper St. Clair cares about their teachers donchano.

In Which Ironicus Unburdens

Those of you with lives probably haven't noticed this, but there's been a perceptible falloff in our posting schedule these last couple of months. Now, we could say it's because we're busier at work, but if you've read more than two posts over the life of this blog you'd know that was a lie.

Actually, that may be a little true because as frequent reader(s) of this blog know, we earn our keep toiling in the bowels of the local educorporate training facility, and when we're not teaching students to wipe their butts with pages torn from the bible and gay marry their aborted fetuses instead of learning to read and write, we're having our chauffeur take our butler down to our private accountant so that our bloated paycheck can be deposited in an offshore account to avoid paying taxes. And all this time you thought is was greedy bankers and scruple free hedge fund managers that wrecked the economy.

Nope. It was teachers, and not just teachers, all public employees. We're like the New Black Panthers, man, nothing but walking, talking intimidation. You pay us what we want, when we want and how we want, and maybe, just maybe we'll show up for work now and then, and don't go crying to us about you can't afford it either. You know who else said he couldn't afford it? Hitler.

Oh, and benefits.

Now, we're not really sure when public employees became the most powerful and feared segment of contemporary society, but it has caused us to rethink bloody Marys as a breakfast choice because we sure wish we could have picked up on this turn of events earlier, especially since it appears we've been found out by the new American heroes: Republican governors.

And as if that isn't enough, everywhere we look it seems our years of slowly strangling lady liberty are coming to an end. Besides ending the free ride for working people, there's the revoking of child labor laws, rewriting the First Amendment for Christians, getting those brown people out of the country, and of course the new war. All are examples of America returning to her roots and her core principals.

Someone once said satire is anger turned sideways, and lately we've been turned sideways so much we've got a crick in our necks, so you'll excuse us if we get a little depressed some days when we get up, switch on the intertoobz and see the country we've worked so hard to wreck all these years snatched from our living wage, education is a public good, free speech, nation of immigrants, war is not the answer clutches.

So close, man. So close.

Put Down The Juice Box And Step Away From The Tricycle

It can be said that we were not the most conscientious of students during our days as inmates in our local educorporate training facility. There was the Levi Ben Hur episode that sent the sub back to rehab...and there was the time we learned that applying voltage to a frog's leg could make it move so we tried it on Sally Konkolevski's...er...derriere. Then there was the unfortunate combination of super glue and our History teacher's desk drawers. OK, maybe we were bad, but that's not the point. One of the reasons we were so emboldened was we knew our teachers couldn't do half of what they would have liked to have done to us without incurring the wrath of the authorities. Times, apparently, have changed.

Police in a small Indiana town hauled a six-year-old from his elementary school and charged him with battery and intimidation after he kicked and threatened Principal Patrick Lumbley, police said on Wednesday.

 Umm...here's a career tip Principal Lumbley: If you're the principal of an elementary school, and kindergarteners intimidate you, perhaps it would be better if you went back to long distance truck driving. Just a thought.

The Indiana student, who had been suspended from school recently for biting and hitting principal Lumbley's body guard, threatening to hold his breath until he got his way and premeditated acting like a spoiled brat who needs his little fanny paddled, was arrested April 18 at Hendricks Elementary School in Shelbyville, which is about 30 miles southeast of Indianapolis. "This was not an isolated incident," Shelbyville Police Lieutenant Michael Turner said. "We're pretty sure the kid has ties to Al Qaeda."

School officials called police, reporting that the student, who was not identified, had kicked Principal Patrick Lumbley and told him and Assistant Principal Jessica Poe that he was going to kill them, a Shelbyville police report said. "We have to take these threats seriously," Turner said. "Indiana respects the Second Amendment as much as Florida and it is legal for six year olds to carry concealed weapons in the state."

The student was yelling and screaming and lying on the floor of Poe's office when police arrived, the report said. Later that report was corrected to read that principal Lumbley was yelling and screaming and lying on the floor of Poe's office when police arrived. The student was in the library watching a video of the Lion King.

Poe led the student to a police car where an officer placed him in the back seat, buckled him in and drove him to the police department, the report said. He was not handcuffed and the SWAT team was taken off alert. The officer reported that the student asked if he could turn the siren on. It was not allowed.

Turner said he hoped the filing of juvenile charges would help get the child needed help. "Putting him into the system can open up avenues perhaps the parents don't have," Turner said. "Such as charging him as an adult."

If Nobody Had Told Your Parents About Sex We Wouldn't Have This Problem

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that disappointment is a shadow inexorably reaching into the brightest meadows of our hopes...er...we mean know that as card carrying members of the educorporate training facility in our area we spend a fair proportion of our time amongst the youth of this great nation, now falling into the clutches of  Muslim socialism and melanin charged tyranny.

Oh, and we're going to be redistributing some of you rich white folks' incomes too, but that's not our point.

Our point is that our close proximity to the FaceBook watching, World of Warcraft playing, Tweeting generation has afforded us, on occasion, the opportunity to observe their mating rituals, which is why we think Juneau County District Attorney Scott Southworth is uh, how to say this politely, somewhat misinformed.

A district attorney is telling Juneau County schools to abandon their sex education courses, saying a new curriculum law could lead to criminal charges against teachers for contributing to the delinquency of minors.

  If we may reply in the venerable language of the judiciary, to you Mr. Southworth attorney at law sir, we say your argument is prima facie argumentum ad ignoratiam because you make the assumption our good sir, that teachers can tell the youth--hereinafter referred to as those rutting bags of raging hormones--something they don't already know about sex. Res ipsa loquitur Counselor that you  are, in the vernacular, whack.

The new law "promotes the sexualization - and sexual assault - of our children," Southworth wrote in a March 24 letter to officials in five school districts. He urged the districts to suspend their sex education programs and transfer their curriculum on anatomy to a science course. "I hated science when I was a kid," Southworth said. "Put sex in there and they'll never notice."


Umm...You sure you've thought this through Mr. Southworth? Is it really a good idea to put sex in a class that has experiments?

"Forcing our schools to instruct children on how to utilize contraceptives encourages our children to engage in sexual behavior, whether as a victim or an offender," Southworth wrote. "It is akin to teaching children about alcohol use, then instructing them on how to make mixed alcoholic drinks."

 Har har har. See, Mr, Southworth is making a joke there. Sex and alcohol...get it? What's that you say sir? If it wasn't for alcohol you'd never have sex? Oh. Sorry.

Representative Kelda Helen Roys (36D-Victoria's Secret), who helped write the new law, said Southworth's letter was irresponsible and that it was laughable to think teachers could be charged for telling students how to use contraception. "Dude's a little uptight, don't you think? Hey Scotty, go buy yourself a Playboy or something. Spend some time in the executive bathroom know what I'm saying?"

"Using condoms isn't a crime for anyone," she said. "This guy a graduate of the   Ross Douthat School of Sexual Discomfort or something? His purpose is to intimidate and create enough panic in the minds of school administrators that they'll turn their backs on young people and their families."

Well, lord knows it's easy enough to scare school administrators. Clap your hands, make a shadow on the wall, tell them there are lesbos in the school, stuff like that sends them to the Xanax like Tea Baggers to a bumper sticker sale.

"The challenge with it is as soon as you start discussions with this issue, the morality aspect, the spiritual aspect . . . the family aspect has to be weighed," he said. "We don't sit here and condone premature sexual behavior, yet it's a societal reality. So how do we deal with it?" said Tom Andres, superintendent of the New Lisbon School District.

"Ignore it," Southworth said. "Like when I was growing up. Weren't no teenage pregnancies back then, although I do remember several girls in my high school graduating class suddenly transferred to an all girls school out of state. I always thought that was a little strange."

Southworth, a Republican, says in his letter that he could charge teachers with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, depending on the specifics of cases he reviews.

We have to say, even thought we don't agree with Mr. Southworth, we admire how committed he is to his values and not afraid to take on public displeasure, even ridicule to remain true to those values.

"I'm not looking to charge any teachers," he said. "I've got enough work to do."

 Yeah, well, advertising your moral superiority is one thing. Having to actually act on those beliefs can be darned inconvenient, huh Mr. District Attorney Church Lady?

UPDATE: Yesterday we told you about Governor Bob and Cracker Appreciation Month. Apparently, someone said Bubba please, bring your skinny white behind over here and read this history book.

Does Spelling Count?

Time once again to look in on that whacky crew of rascals, the republican presidential wannabes and see what hi jinks they're involved in this week. You may remember, when last we visited crazy town, Sarah "In what way, Charlie" Palin was explaining to the gathered masses the path along which the party of Lincoln must travel if it is to once again stink up the corridors of power...er...we mean take a dump on participatory democracy...no...sail the ship of state smartly into the bay of incompetence...ah heck, let's let governor glamorous tell it:

"And there was that media slant this go round," she said. "And unless things change, the GOP had really better can stand together, 'cause we got that on the battlefield also. I call it like I see it and like I lived it on the campaign trail. Not complaining, but dealing with reality."

Couldn't have put it more clearly ourselves. Well, not after an evening of heaving drinking anyway. And maybe some recreational pharmaceuticals. But look over there. Mitt Romney's having an essay contest!

Now, as card carrying members of the educorporate complex with a special interest in language issues, essay contests always attract our attention. We mean, what could be better as a teaching tool? It's got all the positives with none of the negatives! Meaningless topic that has little or no connection to students' lives? Check. Vaguely worded standards and anonymous judges? Check. Competition with nameless, faceless others? Check. Could you ask for a better pedagogical situation? We don't think so. Oh, and cash!

Our pencils are a quiver with anticipation. What's the topic?

This movement isn't about my dad or any one candidate that we're supporting, however. It's about you. And we want to hear what these ideals mean to you. That’s why today I’m announcing a mini-essay contest. A 250-words-or-less answer to the question "What does a free and strong America mean to you?"

Umm...you guys moving to Australia? Hmm...245 words to go. OK, motivate us. What's the prize?

The best submission will receive an all-expense paid trip for 2 to join me in the Romney family seats at Fenway Park for a Red Sox game.

Uh oh. We're not so sure we like the idea of Mitt arranging our transportation. Maybe we'll settle for second place. What do the runners up get?

And four runner-ups will receive a baseball personally autographed by my dad.

Yeah. Ah, that's sort of like having Ted Williams autograph your copy of The Great Gatsby, but what the heck, we'll take a shot. What do we do first?

Contribute at least $50 to my dad's PAC

That's a bit steep dude. What are you doing? Trying to recoup some of your inheritance?

Oklahoma! When Just Being Stupid Isn't Good Enough

We've previously regaled our reader(s) with tales of our educorporate upbringing under the benevolent care of the Christian Brothers. We suppose, in the interests of full disclosure, we should add that the Bro's were assisted by a highly trained and capable cadre' of nuns. We think they were the Order of Sisters of Perpetual Detention or something. Our memory is somewhat cloudy.

Anyway, we tell you this by way of establishing our credentials as survivors of of an educational experience that was, one might truthfully say, tinged with religious overtones. But even though our classrooms each contained a rendering of Caucasian Jesus and his mom looking down on us and even though despite the Herculean efforts of our Latin teachers, the only thing we learned was how to swear (A unannounced quiz? Hui Excrementum!) it never occurred to us to claim that studying chemistry violated our religious beliefs.

The Oklahoma House of Representatives Education Committee has just approved House Bill 2211. The bill is expected to pass the full House, and then to go to the Senate. The bill requires public schools to guarantee students the right to express their religious viewpoints in a public forum, in class, in homework and in other ways without being penalized. If a student’s religious beliefs were in conflict with scientific theory, and the student chose to express those beliefs rather than explain the theory in response to an exam question, the student’s incorrect response would be deemed satisfactory.

Man, talk about a get out of homework free card.

Even simple, factual information such as the age of the earth (4.65 billion years) would be subject to the student’s belief, and if the student answered 6,000 years based on his or her religious belief, the school would have to credit it as correct.

Where were these guys when we took algebra? We do recall saying "God only knows" a lot when asked for answers by our ninth grade algebra teacher, Mr. Constant. Now we find out we should have been given credit for referring his query to the almighty.

The consequence of the bill will be to create havoc and promote discord in the public schools.

Which is another positive outcome because it will take the pressure off of students to create havoc and promote discord.

What administrators fear as the law is implemented is a barrage of lawsuits.

Suing teachers for making students read textbooks. Brilliant! And much easier than trying to explain the effect of the westward movement of pioneers on the indigenous Indian population by summarizing several episodes of F Troop like we had to do.

Kids. They got it easy today, don't they?

(h/t)

Now We Know Why Biologists Shouldn't Be Home Schooled

OK, full disclosure. As denizens of the educorporate training facility in our neighborhood we would occasionally...how to say this politely...engage in a little one sided jocularity at the expense the local population of students for whom science class was the highlight of the day.

What the kids today call...um...nerds we believe. Yes, our local contact informs us that nerds is the preferred term. Well, not among the nerds of course, but hey, when your name is Henry Botando, you have red hair and you solve calculus problems in your head, it's not like you have a lot of pull is it...Piggy? You think you can speak? You think you can, four eyes? And you Jack, you couldn't even kill the piglet, what right to you have to the knife? Because you can sing? Fat lot of good that does us. Look around you boys, I say. Who is your rightful leader? Who is the strong one? Who doesn't hesitate? Who is...

Sorry. Having a bit of a flashback. Where were we?

Oh yeah, Nathaniel Abraham.

Nathaniel Abraham filed a lawsuit in US District Court in Boston saying that the prestigious Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution dissed him in 2004 because of his Christian belief that the Bible is god's big book of facts. "How was I to know the building was full of scientists," Abraham said. "I just liked the pretty fishys."

Abraham, who is seeking $500,000 in compensation for a violation of his civil rights, says
that he lost his job as a postdoctoral researcher in a biology lab shortly after he told his superior that he did not accept evolution as scientific fact. "Well, in my defense I have to say I was working in the biology lab," Abraham told reporters. "I didn't think it would be that big of a deal."

Woods Hole officials released a statement saying, "The Institution firmly believes that its actions and those of its employees concerning Dr. Abraham were entirely lawful," and that the center does not discriminate on the basis of religion. Later an official from Woods Hole admitted that the fact that Dr. Abraham's degree came from the Face of Jesus in Your Toast College and Cafe "should have been a clue."

In a 2004 letter to Abraham, his boss, Woods Hole senior scientist Mark E. Hahn, wrote that Abraham said he did not want to work on "things that are, like all sciency and stuff" of the National Institutes of Health grant for which he was hired, even though the project clearly required scientists to use the principles of evolution in their analyses and writing. "Well, no job is perfect," Abraham said.

When asked to explore why zebrafish mutants that lack notochords exhibit relatively normal neural development, including differentiation of floor plate and motoneurons, Abraham's eventual report stated that it was due to the fact that "Jesus watches over the little sparrows just like he watches over you and me."

"It wasn't something we felt was up to the standards of Woods Hole," Hahn said.

"Was it because I didn't mention the fish?" Abraham asked. "I probably should have mentioned the fish."

Abraham did not return a telephone call seeking comment because telephones aren't mentioned in the bible. He now works at Liberty University, a Christian Profit Center in Lynchburg, Va., founded by the Reverend Jerry Falwell, who recently evolved into a dead person. "We understand he's researching whether Adam and Eve would have been able to tame the dinosaurs after the fall," Hahn told reporters.

The lawsuit is the latest in a series of cases pitting creationists against scientists in academic settings, or what people are calling Smackdown in Monkey town. Last year, a University of Rhode Island student was awarded a doctorate in geosciences despite opposition after it became known that he was a creationist. "People ask me how I could get through a whole program in geosciences and not learn anything at all," the student said. "Easy. Just listen to the voices in my head instead of the professor"

Earlier this year, an Iowa State University astronomer claimed he was denied tenure because he did not believe in evolution. "Well, that and the fact that he believed the stars were god's dandruff," said a university representative.

"It is inconceivable that someone working in developmental biology at a major research institution would not be expected to deal intimately with evolution," Eugenie C. Scott, executive director for the National Center for Science Education said. "A flight school hiring instructors wouldn't ask whether they accepted that the earth was spherical; they would assume it."

Oh Great. Now we've got another reason to be afraid to fly.

"Woods Hole would have assumed that someone hired to work in developmental biology would accept that evolution occurred. It's part and parcel of the science these days," she said.

"Oh. You wanted me to do Science," Abraham said. "Well, why didn't you say so? Sorry can't do that stuff. $500,000 please."

Later that day, unidentified assailants pushed Abraham into the girl's bathroom..

There's No Crying In Texas

Frequent readers of this blog know victory is merely the temporary postponement of defeat...er...we mean know that we are card carrying members of the educorporate training complex. As such, in carrying out our duly appointed responsibilities vis-a-vis annoying students, we have often had to cope with adolescent emotions run amok. These occurrences are generally inconvenient and often require copious amounts of our time that could be better applied to more convivial pursuits such as, well, not being around kids in freak out mode for one.

We tell you this because, even given our years of experience ruining the next generation we haven't quite figured out a way to be in a human service without, you know, being of service to the humans. Until we ran across the policy at Byron Nelson High School that is.

Byron Nelson High School junior Kyler Robertson was cleared to return to classes Thursday, his mother said, two days after he was suspended because he was believed to be under the influence of marijuana. Robertson, 16, was grieving his father's death when he went to school Tuesday. He had bloodshot, watery eyes, and school officials said he smelled of marijuana, according to Cristy Fritz, his mother. After being checked by a school nurse, he was suspended and told that he would have to enter an alternative education program.

Now, we have long known that always assuming the worst about kids was very efficient educationally, because it allows one to go right to the punishment phase of the policy without having to waste time trying to figure out what's actually wrong, like one would do if one actually, you know, cared or something, but involving the school nurse, who's medical training and observational skills were professionally honed is brilliant. See, a regular person like an competent teacher, or concerned school counselor when observing a student apparently in some distress might make the mistake of asking what's wrong?

Yeesh. And we trust these people with our kids? Luckily this little miscreant was seen by a trained professional who immediately deduced his problem as drug psychosis and shipped him off the burn out wing. Wham Bam, problem solved.

But a drug test performed later that day showed no evidence of marijuana or any other drug, according to records provided to the Star Telegram. Robertson, who plays on the junior varsity golf team, did not return to school Thursday because his family is preparing for his father's funeral. Richard "Richie" Robertson was fatally stabbed Sunday during an argument.

Oops. Well, on the bright side, the kid got out of that math quiz. No harm no foul huh?


District spokeswoman Lesley Weaver said she could not discuss specifics about the case, citing federal privacy laws. She did say, however, that the district has offered support and counseling to Robertson. "We plan to do everything within our power to help Kyler overcome his drug problem," she said.


Northwest school board President Mark Schluter declined to comment because of the possibility of litigation. "I will tell you one thing though," he said. "That's the last time we're going to hire a school nurse who used to work at the Walmart walk in clinic."

(h/t)

The Fig, The Strawberry And The Holy Guava

As we mentioned yesterday we are duly certified educational technicians operating in our local educorporate training facility. As you might expect given our career choice, we put a high value on reading, writing, speaking and listening, and we place an even higher value on those traits when practiced by our trainees here in our house so to speak. We tell you this as background and to illustrate for you why we believe this country will soon descend into a Walking Dead sort of anarchy, except the dead won't be zombies, they'll "God fearin' church going folk."

The controversial issue of blasphemy and Muhammad has taken one of its more surreal turns as a student atheist group were ejected from their university Freshers Fair for naming a pineapple after the Prophet.

We'll pause here a moment while you read that again.

Yes, in the annals of religious persecution along with the martyrs, the pogroms, the holocausts, the inquisitions, the Diasporas, and the exiles we now have...a pineapple named Muhammad.

We labelled this pineapple 'Mohammed', to encourage discussion about blasphemy, religion, and liberty, as well as to celebrate the fact that we live in a country in which free speech is protected, and where it is lawful to call a pineapple by whatever name one chooses.

Look pal, just because  the University's recruitment brochure includes the phrase "We have an excellent reputation for showcasing the best of higher education in an engaging way" doesn't mean you get to go all rhetorical analysis on our most cherished, unquestioned, Bronze age myths. What do you think this is, the Age of Enlightenment or something?

After a few minutes, we were told by another member of RUSU staff that 'Either the pineapple goes, or you do', whereupon they seized the pineapple and tried to leave. However, the pineapple was swiftly returned, and shortly was displayed again, with the name Mohammed changed to that of Jesus."

Ha! Now you've been placed in a classic oratorical stepover armlock camel clutch called the horns of a dilemma. What do you have to say to that Mr. Get Ready To Burn In Hell. By the way, changing the pineapple's name to Jesus? Doesn't mean a thing except that when you find yourself in Satan's permanent RV camp your own personal tormentor will speak English (the language of the bible) instead of Islamic as he pokes your disbelieving little poop hole with his fire stick.

An argument broke our between members of the society and "a group of around five students, some of whom self-identified as Muslim."

As well it should, and in the fine tradition of philosophical and theological discourse we can only surmise that the volume of the argument was in inverse proportion to the logic displayed by the participants, but here's our question: Muhammad worked for Allah who, as we understand it, " If He willed, He could give the sky permission to fall on the earth, and whoever is in it would be killed." So, you work for a guy with a rep like that, do you really need a bunch of debate team rejects to defend you when a couple of band camp geeks get their rational thought on?

Well, if you do your boss ain't no boss like Jesus' boss 'cause when fifty or sixty homos walked down the street in New Orleans and made The Man's number one homie cry, G wiped out the whole Gulf coast. Now that's some religious authority right there.

Welcome To Tomás de Torquemada High

Back in the day, when we were but scurrilous trainees in our local educorporate training facility, our scurrilousness would occasionally come to the attention of the educational technicians and we would be unceremoniously perp-walked down to the Principal's lair and an official school sanctioned pedagogically approved butt thumping would be applied to our miscreant backside. Usually said application of what passed for the latest in educational theory vs-a-vis classroom management would be handled by none other than the aforementioned Principal himself, along with little homespun aphorisms concerning how to live the proper life, delivered between swats.

For the record, this did not make us better citizens, only more sneaky.

Well, we tell you this because, having gone on to earn our daily bread serving in the church of reason, we had just assumed that beating students, like bleeding patients, was a practice that has been assigned to the dustbin of history. Apparently we were misinformed.

Officials at a Texas high school plan to ask their board tonight to change a policy requiring that spanking punishments be administered only by employees of the same gender as the student to receive the punishment.  "The vibrations from paddling those bony old boy butts hurt my hand. Every once in a while I need to wallop on some bodaciousness to avoid carpal tunnel or something,"said vice principal Buford J. Smellings III. "I mean, we take our disciplinary responsibility very seriously here."

Taylor Santos, a well-regarded student and athlete at Springtown High School, near Fort Worth, Texas, chose to be paddled as punishment for allowing another student to copy her homework.  Her mother, Anna Jorgensen, agreed to the punishment as long as her daughter was OK with it, but was surprised the spanking was administered by a man. As far as Jorgensen knew, she said, school policy mandated that males spank males and females spank females. She said her daughter's buttocks were red and appeared blistered due to the force of the spanking.

 "Well, what did you expect," said vice principal Smellings. "You have a meeting with the 'Board' of education, it's gonna leave a mark. Besides, chances are she's probably going to end up in an abusive relationship anyway. This is Texas, you know. Might as well get used to it. And no, I did not yell 'who's your daddy' when I hit her."

"The Texas Education Code and our local policies state that if a parent or guardian does not want corporal punishment administered to his/her child, for each school year the parent or guardian must provide the district a separate written and signed statement to that effect. Otherwise, the use of corporal punishment is permissible," Mike Kelley, superintendent for the Springtown Independent School District said in a statement. "We like to call it our opt out of the 19th century program."

The day after her daughter's paddling, Jorgensen called the vice principal to complain, but was told it was "normal for her bottom to look like this after receiving swats."

The vice principal added that he had no idea about the same gender swatting, Jorgensen said. "The District is always sending out those policies and guidelines," Smellings told reporters. "Who has time to read all that stuff?"

Another student, Jada Watt, said she mouthed off to the same male vice principal, and received the same punishment, which was observed by a male police officer. Her mother, Cathi, said she "wasn't expecting a bruise." "Two men giving her a swat behind closed doors, that is creepy," she added.

 "I remind you that we are educational professionals," Smellings said. "So there is nothing creepy about  me and some minimum wage rent-a-cop taking a minor into a room, bending her over a desk and playing a little Ina Gadda Da Vida on that scrumptious, little booty. Wait, let me rephrase that."

Springtown ISD Superintendent Mike Kelley told WFAA that he will ask the board to eliminate the requirement of same gender spanking.  He said the same-sex spanking policy can be difficult to observe in smaller schools where aren't enough female administrators around to mete out punishment to female students.

Whoa. "Same sex spanking?" Sounds like some of those San Fransisco values have sneaked into the Texas Education Code.

Springtown ISD Superintendent Mike Kelley leaves the School Board Meeting