Thursday, April 08, 2010

If Nobody Had Told Your Parents About Sex We Wouldn't Have This Problem

Frequent reader(s) of this blog know that disappointment is a shadow inexorably reaching into the brightest meadows of our mean know that as card carrying members of the educorporate training facility in our area we spend a fair proportion of our time amongst the youth of this great nation, now falling into the clutches of  Muslim socialism and melanin charged tyranny.

Oh, and we're going to be redistributing some of you rich white folks' incomes too, but that's not our point.

Our point is that our close proximity to the FaceBook watching, World of Warcraft playing, Tweeting generation has afforded us, on occasion, the opportunity to observe their mating rituals, which is why we think Juneau County District Attorney Scott Southworth is uh, how to say this politely, somewhat misinformed.
A district attorney is telling Juneau County schools to abandon their sex education courses, saying a new curriculum law could lead to criminal charges against teachers for contributing to the delinquency of minors.
  If we may reply in the venerable language of the judiciary, to you Mr. Southworth attorney at law sir, we say your argument is prima facie argumentum ad ignoratiam because you make the assumption our good sir, that teachers can tell the youth--hereinafter referred to as those rutting bags of raging hormones--something they don't already know about sex. Res ipsa loquitur Counselor that you  are, in the vernacular, whack.

The new law "promotes the sexualization - and sexual assault - of our children," Southworth wrote in a March 24 letter to officials in five school districts. He urged the districts to suspend their sex education programs and transfer their curriculum on anatomy to a science course. "I hated science when I was a kid," Southworth said. "Put sex in there and they'll never notice."

Umm...You sure you've thought this through Mr. Southworth? Is it really a good idea to put sex in a class that has experiments?
"Forcing our schools to instruct children on how to utilize contraceptives encourages our children to engage in sexual behavior, whether as a victim or an offender," Southworth wrote. "It is akin to teaching children about alcohol use, then instructing them on how to make mixed alcoholic drinks."
 Har har har. See, Mr, Southworth is making a joke there. Sex and alcohol...get it? What's that you say sir? If it wasn't for alcohol you'd never have sex? Oh. Sorry.

Representative Kelda Helen Roys (36D-Victoria's Secret), who helped write the new law, said Southworth's letter was irresponsible and that it was laughable to think teachers could be charged for telling students how to use contraception. "Dude's a little uptight, don't you think? Hey Scotty, go buy yourself a Playboy or something. Spend some time in the executive bathroom know what I'm saying?"

"Using condoms isn't a crime for anyone," she said. "This guy a graduate of the   Ross Douthat School of Sexual Discomfort or something? His purpose is to intimidate and create enough panic in the minds of school administrators that they'll turn their backs on young people and their families."

Well, lord knows it's easy enough to scare school administrators. Clap your hands, make a shadow on the wall, tell them there are lesbos in the school, stuff like that sends them to the Xanax like Tea Baggers to a bumper sticker sale.
"The challenge with it is as soon as you start discussions with this issue, the morality aspect, the spiritual aspect . . . the family aspect has to be weighed," he said. "We don't sit here and condone premature sexual behavior, yet it's a societal reality. So how do we deal with it?" said Tom Andres, superintendent of the New Lisbon School District.

"Ignore it," Southworth said. "Like when I was growing up. Weren't no teenage pregnancies back then, although I do remember several girls in my high school graduating class suddenly transferred to an all girls school out of state. I always thought that was a little strange."
Southworth, a Republican, says in his letter that he could charge teachers with contributing to the delinquency of a minor, depending on the specifics of cases he reviews.
We have to say, even thought we don't agree with Mr. Southworth, we admire how committed he is to his values and not afraid to take on public displeasure, even ridicule to remain true to those values.
"I'm not looking to charge any teachers," he said. "I've got enough work to do."
 Yeah, well, advertising your moral superiority is one thing. Having to actually act on those beliefs can be darned inconvenient, huh Mr. District Attorney Church Lady?

UPDATE: Yesterday we told you about Governor Bob and Cracker Appreciation Month. Apparently, someone said Bubba please, bring your skinny white behind over here and read this history book.

1 comment:

Seeing Eye Chick said...

Nothing Scarier to overzealous bible beaters than a penis and a vagina. Especially an unmarried, adolescent, penis and/or vagina.

Silly but there it is. They assume that these kids haven't already played spin the bottle in someone's oversized closet in the 4th grade.

You don't have to send kids to science class for them to experiment. Being the *Random "Rutting Bags of Raging Hormones" that they are {to quote a wise man} um, they pretty much figure this shit out on the fly, sometimes completely by [happy?] accident.

I wouldn't send this Attorney General to the bathroom to jack off with a dirty magazine. That won't fix his kind of problem. Attributing that particular kind of pathology simply to being uptight is like calling a heart attack, heartburn. No, that dude needs serious therapy so that he can come to grips with the intense feelings of guilt and shame, everytime he entertains a sexual thought, or imagines so other poor bastard enjoying themselves without being immediately placed in an iron maiden or the strapada afterward as punishment for an erection or an embarassing amount of moistness in their panties.

Yep, that pasty old man needs serious professional help. Where is Sue the Sex Lady when we need her most, and her Lasso of truth.