Thursday, April 30, 2009

100 Days, Which Is Like 100% Except It's Not

OK, let's review. Yesterday was President Obama's 100th day in office which is significant first of all because it is 10 squared, second because it has more zeros than ones and third because the one it does have is on the left, whereas if it were on the right it would be his first day in office and you really can't expect much of a guy his first day on the job.

Well, try as he might, President Obama could not avoid the judgment of the American people on so momentous a day, and so is come before the national press core--who stand in our stead as agents in the battle for truth--to give an accounting of himself and his administration. For those of you unfamiliar with the national press core, it is a group of professional journalists, highly trained and experienced in the art and science of holding public officials accountable for their actions and keeping the American public informed and educated about the major issues of the day. And the White House press core that gathered for last night's press conference is the elite of these elite, a sort of journalistic SEAL team if you will, about to infiltrate Obama's defenses and lay his agenda bare for all to see. Let's watch.

First up, professional journalistic reporter Jennifer Love Hewitt...erm...Jennifer Loven of the professional journalistic organization The Associated Press. She hammers the president on his plans to allow the Mexican flu to wipe out the last republican strongholds in the south.

The president writes something down, then fixes Loven with a cool gaze. "Wash your hands," he says, ominously, and remember what happened to David Kellerman.

Next up, professional journalistic newspaper reporter Deb Price of the Detroit Central High School Spectrum, or the Detroit News, we're not sure which has the higher circulation, queries the president on his plans to socialize the auto industry.

The president's response is shocking: "So my goal is to make sure that we’ve got a strong, viable, competitive auto industry, FOR ME TO POOP ON!" It's obvious that he no longer fears the once mighty Detroit press, perhaps because only 23 people still live in Detroit. The rest have moved away or dispersed into the suburbs as roving gangs of scavengers. The president's victory may be short lived though, because his next question comes from Jake Tapper, owner of ABC News and star of As The World Turns. He wants to know why the president loves torture.

The president raises his right hand, suddenly Tapper clutches at his throat and appears to have difficulty breathing. Paramedics carry him away.

Mark Knoller, a tourist who wandered in from a White House tour then tries to follow up on Tapper's question.

The president has security shoot him.

Next, is professional television commentator and political analyst with six college degrees and his own space ship, Chuck Todd. Now, the president can't have wanted to call on him after Todd thoroughly tied Obama in knots at his first press conference, but Obama must have known he had no choice because the American people demand accountability, and waffles, and Todd's the one to get it. Todd wants to know when Pakistan will give its nukes to Osama bin Laden so he can put them on Air Force One and bomb the Statue of Liberty.

About six months," Obama says.

Then someone who said his name was Jeff Mason from some place he said was Reuters tries to ask a question, but Obama says there's no city named Reuters in the United States and refuses to answer.

Obama says he'd like to answer a question from one of the major networks and asks who is representing CBS. A man stands and introduces himself as Chip Reed and everyone has a good laugh because no one named Chip can be a professional journalistic reporter. "What's your dad's name, flake?" Obama says. "And he married your mom, splinter? OK, who's next?"

"I am sir," said Ed Henry.

The president fixes his gaze on Henry. "And?" he says.

Sir, I..."

"Say it," the president demands.

"Sir, it's just not..."

"SAY IT!"

"OK, OK," Henry's shoulders visibly slump. "I'm your Beotch."

"I'm your Beotch what?"

"I'm your Beotch, sir."

"And does the president take questions from his Beotch?" Obama hasn't taken his eyes of off Henry who seems to have found something interesting to look at on the floor.

"No sir."

"Right. Now go wash my car." Henry shuffles out as the room erupts in gale of derisive laughter. The president mimics Henry's gait from the podium and the laughter explodes again. Then, from the back, a voice is heard. Obama, wiping tears from his eyes signals to the tall well dressed man in the back, "Yeah, go ahead."

Jeff Zeleny, sir. New York Times. I'd like to ask you a question."

The laughter stops as if a switch had been thrown and the tension becomes almost palpable. The New York Times. This is it. No more dissembling, no haughty dismissals. This is The New York Times. The president looks nervous. Sweat can be seen on the his lip. He swallows hard. "Go ahead." His voice is barely audible.

And then, it comes.

The reporters sit in stunned silence. The president is speechless. His lips move, but no sound comes out. Zeleny walks to the podium and puts his arm around a visibly shaken president. "It's OK sir, he says, "It will take you more than 100 days to learn to deal with us." Then he leans over to the microphone and says, "This press conference is over." Reporters file silently from the room as if they're leaving a funeral. Aides help the president off the stage and back to his office. Zeleny sits alone in the now empty press room and texts his editor, "He needs more time. The force is strong in this one, but he's not ready yet."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Specter Fails Crazy Test; Must Rejoin Adult Society

You know, some days we wish we were republicans, and no, not for the discount on Xanax, but because nothing bad ever happens to republicans. Now, take Arlen Specter, republican senator from Pennsylvania since, oh we don't know, Benjamin Franklin's time? Anyway, he wakes up yesterday, walks out on the veranda and says forget it, I'm outta here, and suddenly the world has one more democrat.

Now, personally, our reaction was "meh," but we figured this was a great thing for democrats. Silly us.

I wonder if today’s Arlen Specter party switch, this time to the president’s party, won’t end up being bad for President Obama and the Democrats. With the likely seating of Al Franken from Minnesota, Democrats will have 60 seats in the Senate, giving Obama unambiguous governing majorities in both bodies.

See, now we would have thought that having more people leaning your way in Congress than leaning against you would be a point in your favor. Just shows why these people get paid the big bucks for applying the power of their intellect to the ebb and flow of events in the nation's capitol, right Mr. Gingrich?

Arlen Specter's decision to leave the Republican Party in name as he left it in spirit over the stimulus vote is further proof that high taxes, big spending and big government are unacceptable to Republican voters. All 16 of them.

Ha! take that president Bush! Wait. What? You were talking about Obama?

This switch is a function of personal survival and will make clearer the profound difference between the Democratic Party of big government, big bureaucracy, high taxes and big unions and the Republican Party of lower taxes, less bureaucracy and small business, with its emphasis on the work ethic, civil society and local control back home.

Boo Yah! Yeah, republicans! lower...um...less...erm...work...OK we're confused. Senator DeMint, can you help us out?

DeMint, a hero of the conservative grassroots, denied that his party has tilted too far to the right. "I don't think many Americans are going to agree that the Republican party has become too conservative," he said. "If you look at our record of spending, our record on every issue, the problem I think we have is Americans no longer believe that we believe what we say we do."

Well, yes, yes we can see that. Go on.

"I think you'll see this next election to be totally different," DeMint predicted. "Pat Toomey, who is running in Pennsylvania, is one of the most mainstream Americans I know."

Oh, we get it now. Specter knew he couldn't beat Toomey, who holds mainstream American views as opposed to Specter's loony left positions, so Specter bolted to the socialist democratic party where his America hating is more acceptable. Plus he'll be able to date the Muslim chicks. Thanks for clearing that up. Man, senator DeMint, he's a pretty smart cookie, huh senator Graham?

Graham said that politicians like Toomey — the former Club for Growth president who was leading Specter in Pennsylvania's Republican Senate primary — are the exact reason the GOP is languishing in places like the Northeast. He said "the people that they run in primaries wind up losing the general election."

Well, there are more important things than winning elections Mr. Let's-Get-All-Practical-Up-In-Here Graham. There's...ah...there's...mmm...there's...well, there's Sarah Palin! Yay republicans!

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

If You Think Our Fund Is Ilegal, Wait Until You See Our Lawyers

Frequent readers of this blog know that what if look their parents get when they wish they'd known more about the dangers of lead paint years ago...erm...we mean know that we like to track the splash the drops of bad karma make as they fall on the overlords like guano from a seagull. Well, it seems making your trailer payment with the blood of innocent animals isn't the only way to overdraw your account at the bank of cosmic balance.

You may remember one Sarah Palin, attractive young women, ran for Vice President with some guy McCabe, or McCale, or McCain, something like that. It was in all the papers. Anyway, it seems her quest was beset with a series of unfortunate events.

Now, even though the fickle finger of fate has quite clearly poked governor Palin in the eye and moved on, the stale and slightly bilious smell of failure hangs about her like teabaggers outside the Ayn Rand Institute.

The conservative group Free American Citizens has created a questionable legal defense fund for Alaska governor Sarah Palin, apparently to raise money off her popularity.

So she's a popular person who needs a legal defense fund. What's that make her, Alaska's version of Bonnie Parker?

"The official legal defense fund for governor Sarah Palin has not been formed and the governor cannot send signed prints of her latest moose kill, or invitations to ride along in aerial wolf hunts from any other entity than the one in formation,” spokeswoman Meg Stapleton said in a statement. “Numerous federal and state laws need to be abided by and the official legal defense fund will have very strict donation guidelines. Of course, not paying attention to numerous federal and state laws is why we need a legal defense fund in the first place, so maybe the governor still isn't clear on the concept.”

Palin’s staff said Free American Citizens did not contact either her political action committee or her governor’s office before announcing its formation. "We're not sure how that link got on our website. Maybe senator Stevens can explain," said one aide.

The group, which did not respond to requests for comment, is staffed by two people — one in federal prison, and another in Weatherford, Texas, according to its website. Donations are directed to a P.O. box in Texas which was registered to a homeless man.

Palin owes more than $500,000 in legal fees, stemming from the so-called troopergate investigation and other ethics probes in Alaska. She’s planning to form a legal defense fund to help pay those fees, Stapleton said, but has yet to do so. "Right now she's busy...ah...negotiating with Levi."

Free American Citizens claims that all funds raised will go to her legal defense. But because the group is not an official legal defense fund, neither Palin nor her attorneys can accept funds from the group to help cover the governor’s legal costs.

Hmmm...an illegal defense fund to defend her against charges she did a bunch of illegal things. You know there's a certain reassuring republican consistency to that.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Utah! Motto: Why Is Everyone Looking At Us?

We're coming to you today from the Department of Supernatural Studies here in the marbled halls of IM Central. SS is a division of the Corporation for the Manufacture and Distribution of Psychotropic Pharmaceuticals in cooperation with the Utah State House.

Utah County Republicans defeated a resolution opposing imaginary groups that a delegate claims are pushing a satanic plan to encourage illegitimate births, illegal immigration, animal/human hybrids and "acting all European like."

Whoa. When you're too crazy for republicans in Utah that's like nuclear powered craziness. And we're talking fusion, not fission. That's light up a city craziness. And if that doesn't scare you, think about this: He managed to get a majority of votes in his District.

Don Larsen, a Springloose delegate, offered the resolution, titled Resolution opposing the Hate America anti-Christian Open Borders Good Readers Anti-Comma cabal.

Hey. "Cabal." That Word-A-Day calendar is working out for you, huh Mr. Larsen?

Larsen warned delegates that an "invisible government" comprised of left-wing foundations was pumping money into the Democratic Party to push for looser immigration laws, anti-family legislation, 24 hour Tella Tubby channels, do it yourself abortion kits and pills that make you gay. Larsen said Democrats get most of the votes cast by illegal immigrants, people in dysfunctional families, Evolution teachers and aliens. But it's not the Ferengi who are behind this strategy, Larsen said. It's the devil.

OK Mr. Smart Guy, we'll buy the Evolution teachers and aliens, but how do you explain this: Sarah Palin's family voted for republicans. Families don't get much more dysfunctional than that.

"Satan's ultimate goal is to destroy the current tax structure," Larsen said, "and these people are playing a leading part in it." Larsen's resolution contained quotes from the New Testament on the battle between GM and Toyota. The copy of the resolution handed to delegates stated it "fulfills scriptural prophecies about our times if you recite certain bible passages backwards after going off your meds for about a week. And on a related note, I found out Paul is dead."

May we have a word with the people of Utah's 65th district? Um...stop voting. Please.

David Rodeback, a delegate from American Funk, urged delegates to forcefully reject the resolution, as it would "let Satan know we're on to him." Rodeback said Larsen should push instead for his resolution requiring "Satan Scanners" at all state entry points. "They're sort of like metal scanners," Rodeback said. "Except they only go off if Lucifer is present. Or you voted democratic in any of the last three elections."

Joel Wright, a Cedar Chest delegate, said George W. Bush was able to win the presidency because he had 40 percent of the Latino vote, while John McCain was defeated when he only got 28 percent of Latino ballots. "Well, that and McCain is older than the tree stump Eve sat on to eat the apple. The point is, we are not going to be the majority party if we keep pushing the Latinos out," Wright said. "Larsens' just going to have to get used to the fact that most beaners are catholics."

But Cameron Sevy, a Provo delegate, said the GOP shouldn't be ashamed to say that America is a white Christian nation.

Right. You know, it says somewhere in the bible that Satan's last name is Gutierrez. Bet you didn't know that.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Well Blogger has been a great big meanie today eating two of our posts. Pretty good ones too we might add, but now lost to the ages like the suitcase of Hemingway short stories, or more likely knowing Hemingway, the suitcase of wine. Anyway, so as not to tempt the Blogger gods any further we're going to cut right to the chase. Meet Hunter

Hunter will play with a ball outside. He’s silly and comical. He likes people. He will bark at people outside. He will also give one bark, if his foster parents aren’t moving soon enough when they are getting ready for their walks. Hunter would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. He is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Some People Need More To Do

We're going to take a short time out today from slooshing through the inter toobz to do a little bureaucratic work and point out that a while back, in one of our more unlubricated moments, we were able to attach a Followers tab to this blog. We were quite proud of this and immediately set off to celebrate at the local adult beverage emporium.

A few days later it hit us that a Followers tab should have, you know, followers. Now, we have never underestimated the ability of readers of this blog to make bad decisions, but it occurred to us that publicly associating oneself with a blog whose major accomplishment is the complete lack of any redeeming social value might be a bit much , even for those who stumble across this blog by Googling donkey sex.

But if you look over to the right you'll see that there is a group of people who have thrown caution (and good taste) to the winds and placed their moniker right out there in front of god and everybody.

Well, there's no accounting for taste thinks us. Still, knowing there are people out there willing to risk the disapprobation of those who have a sense of decorum and stand with us is flattering and we appreciate it. Or maybe it's frightening and we should be worried. We haven't actually met these people you know and the application process for appearing in the tab isn't what one would call rigorous.

Be that as it may, we sing out a hearty hale and well met.

If you look down at the bottom of the page and click on the link, you'll also notice that those with blogs that attempt to add to the public discourse in a positive way have, perhaps unwittingly, allowed their efforts to be connected to us. We particularly like the photo here, but the horse?
We don't associate with animals that are big enough to look us in the eye.

The cape though, is a different matter. We may have to look into that.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

We Knew There Was Something Fishy About All Those Interior Decorators Working At Homeland Security

OK, we'll be the first to admit that we are not experts at understanding the workings of government. In fact, most of the time, even before the ingestion of adult beverages, our ability to fathom the whys and wherefores of our elected representatives' behaviors is, well let's just say severely limited.

Still, after reading this, we have begun to question even our own meager understanding of what goes on in Washington, D.C..

The Ann Arbor based Thomas More Law Center says it has filed a federal lawsuit against Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano. The non-profit law firm said the U.S. Department of Homeland Security's "rightwing extremism policy," reflected in an Intelligence Assessment publicized last week, violates the civil liberties of combat veterans as well as American citizens by targeting them for disfavored treatment on account of their political beliefs.
Now, correct us if we're mistaken, but isn't the job of the Department of Homeland Security to watch out for the security of the, you know, homeland? Are we off base here?

The Law Center claims that Napolitano's department violated the First and Fifth Amendment rights of these the plaintiffs by attempting to chill their free speech, expressive association, and equal protection rights.

See, here's another thing that confuses us. We didn't know free speech meant the ability to blow up buildings, that expressive association meant being able to shoot people, or that equal protection rights meant holing up in your apartment with a boatload of guns.

But what do we know?

The lawsuit further claims that the Department of Homeland Security encourages law enforcement officers throughout the nation to target and report citizens to federal officials as suspicious rightwing extremists and potential terrorists because of their political beliefs.

Now, we thought if you were a rightwing extremist it was because you had extreme right wing political views, you know, "right" being a term used to describe a political philosophy and all. Apparently though it means you just don't like people who are left handed. Or something.

The lawsuit was filed in the U.S. District Court for the Eastern District of Michigan on behalf of conservative radio talk show host, Michael Savage, Gregg Cunningham (president of the pro-life organization Center for Bio-Ethical Reform, Inc.), and Iraqi War Marine veteran Kevin Murray.

Well, OK. If these are the gentlemen who feel they've been unfairly targeted because of their views, perhaps we should give them a chance to explain. Mr. Savage, why don't you go first?



Umm...so this is the revenge of the homos? All righty then. Mr. Cunningham, anything to add?

CBR's executive director Gregg Cunningham has never made any apology for the comparison between abortion and the Holocaust. In a media statement last year, Cunningham said: "Frankly, I'm weary of genocide snobs who focus solely on their causes."

Ah...revenge of the...erm...genocide snobs? Mr. Murray, can you clarify a little?

Murray objects to being forced as a taxpayer to contribute to the propagation of Islamic beliefs and practices predicated upon Shariah law, which is hostile to his Christian religion.

OK...revenge of the...um...tax supported Shariah law proponents?

Let's recap. These guys are suing the Department of Homeland Security because it wants to protect homos who want to institute Sahiah law so everyone is forced to get an abortion?

Gotcha.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Michigan! Motto: We're Cheaper Than Lab Monkeys

Frequent readers of this blog know happiness is a cruel mistress...erm...we mean know that we like to visit various state legislatures from time to time to see what wacky adventures our elected officials have gotten themselves into. Virginia is a popular destination, but then so is Tennessee, Utah, Florida, well you get the point: Construct a state legislature just about anywhere, fill it with public servants and hilarity ensues.


Sort of like a circus that never leaves town. Or maybe a clown college, we're not sure. The point is, our own beloved Winter Water Wonderland is not immune from the aforementioned recipients of a Bachelors Degree in Jocularity.


For starters, did you know that Michigan is the only state in the union where Big Pharma is protected from lawsuits if they sell you a drug that, oh, we don't know, wrecks your body?


When Nancy Luckhurst underwent knee surgery five months ago, she was unaware an antibiotic she was given could cause joint pain and ruptured tendons. She also didn't know she would become part of an effort to repeal a Michigan law barring most lawsuits against pharmaceutical companies.


See, this is because one day, someone in the legislature woke up from their nap, wiped the drool off their face and said, "You know what would be a good idea? Giving the drug companies carte blanche to sell whatever they wanted to people, because...why not?" And of course the rest of the legislature went along because...why not? and the Governor signed the bill because...you guessed it, why not?


See, in Michigan we call our House and Senate a "Deliberative body" by which most people mean they are not accidentally stupid, they're deliberately stupid.


Dr. Sidney Wolfe, director of Public Citizen's Health Research Group, said Michigan's immunity law is the most restrictive in the nation. "Anyone who sees there is no other state with a law like Michigan's must conclude either all the other 49 states are wrong or Michigan is wrong," he said. "I think it's the latter."


Ha ha ha, Dr. Wolfe, you are obviously not a native Michiganian, Right Mike Bishop?


The democratically controlled state House last month passed bills to repeal Michigan's immunity law, but state Senate Majority Leader Mike Bishop, R-Rochester, said he does not intend to allow a vote on it in the Senate. "There are some things I have to be a stopper for," he said. "And one of those things is making drug companies responsible for the harm they do, so I don't have any intention of taking this issue up."


Boo Yah! You tell 'em Mikey boy. Who needs a legislature that's all protecting up the citizens anyway? So what if the drug companies sell some bad drugs and wreck people's lives? Other people will see that and not use the drugs, badda bing, badda boom problem solved.

A major goal of the law was to attract more pharmaceutical companies to Michigan, Bishop noted. "See, by making drug companies above the law in Michigan we put all those other states at a big disadvantage. It's like, a perfect plan man," Bishop told reporters. "I'm very smart you know."

The effort to repeal the immunity law "is pure politics of the worst kind," Bishop charged, "Politics that puts the rights of the citizens to have confidence that the drugs prescribed by their doctors won't kill them ahead of the drug companies right to some of that sweet sweet corporate profit."

Henry Greenspan, founder of Justice in Michigan, a nonpartisan group, said such sniping creates a false impression of a partisan divide. In 2007, one-third of House Republicans voted to repeal the law, he said, adding that his coalition includes "Republicans and Democrats, conservatives and liberals."

"RINOS," Bishop responded. "Probably don't listen to Rush either. Besides, how we gonna balance the budget with all these old people running around here sucking up state services?"

Maybe they could just volunteer for clinical trials, like those folks in Tuskegee did.

UPDATE: Edited for clarity. Yeah, like you expect clarity from us.

Friday, April 17, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Well, isn't this encouraging. President Hopey is...er...hopeful that the economy is turning around. We bet the overlords are glad to hear that. It's got to be tough running an animal exploitation business that relies on people with both discretionary income and closed head injuries.

What we're saying is that when times are tough for those of us who actually engage in activities we're not ashamed to mention in polite society, they've got to be doubly tough for those who think leeching your trailer payments off the backs of innocent animals is the type of career someone with the ability to walk upright and dress themselves most days would consider an accomplishment.

We mean, just look what's going on in Wisconsin.

Dairyland Greyhound Park in Kenosha, the state's lone pari-mutuel dog-racing track, lost $3.44 million in 2008, according to a new report.

Wow. Well, see it's the economy thing. Times were bad for everyone last year. You can't expect a thriving business like unit exploitation...um...greyhound racing to be immune.

The loss was even greater than it was in 2007, when owners reported to the state that it had lost $2.82 million.

OK, so they've had a couple of bad years. It happens.

It also continues a string of losses dating back years. In 2006, the track reported that it lost $2.84 million.

Oh. Um...

In 2005, it reported a loss of $2.41 million.

OK, now you're just being mean.

Roy Berger, Dairyland's executive vice president, said that supporters of the dog track had long given up any idea of lobbying for a state tax break to offset the losses the track is suffering.

Hmmm...so you've managed to lose $11.5 million in the last four years and you don't think the state, which is facing a $1.6 billion dollar deficit is going to be amenable to bailing you out. Yeah. We can see that.

Berger said the handwriting is on the wall. The state, he said, began with five dog tracks. Now there is only one track left.

On the bright side, Walmart has plans to expand in Wisconsin. How do you feel about wearing a vest to work?

How long can Dairyland hold out, losing millions year after year? "It becomes a year-to-year situation," Berger said.

Year to year? More like day to day, huh Bea?

Bea is very sweet, friendly, and playful. She is a bouncer and will bounce up to you for affection. She will also stand there as long as you will touch her. She likes to play with squeaky toys. Her ears fold forward in a cute way. Bea would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 8 and up. She might be too bouncy around smaller children. She is good with other dogs and might do better with another dog in the home. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 16, 2009

On The Bright Side, It Could Be A Sign Mental Health Services Are Improving

OK, let's see how we did. Total number of teabaggers: 262,025

Number of people who live in Anchorage, Alaska (not counting seals and polar bears) 275,043

Conclusion:

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Teabaggers! Motto: Reasons Are For Democrats

Well, here we are at Tea Bag day and, truth be told, we're not at all sure how we should respond. first of all there's the name, but hey, conservatives by their very nature are pretty clueless when it comes to any aspect of popular culture farther out than Pat Boone, and while this did afford us the occasional guffaw as we watched these very earnest spokespeople with their very earnest faces speak in their very earnest voices about the need to tea bag this or that policy, or politician, or--and this kind of creeped us out--city on our tee vee, bottom line is we have to give them a pass on this because, well, they're conservatives, you know? That means most things scare them so if they were to suddenly become aware that their whole movement is based on sex--and non-missionary position sex at that--well, do you want to be the one to explain to this lady the different layers of meaning in her movement and her sign?

Didn't think so.

Then there's the fact that we're not at all sure what it is they are protesting. Taxes, we thought at first, but then we realized that most of the people at the rallies, besides being white, were probably making less than $250,000 a year and were in line for tax cuts under the Obama plan. Even conservatives aren't that dumb, so it had to be something else.

OK, so there's also deficit spending, we thought. Nobody likes that, but then we realized that had been going on for eight years and even though conservatives are slow, they're not that slow.

Finally, while perusing the local news rag's description of the events to be held in our area we ran across this quote: The catalyst for much of the taxpayers' concern is the passage in February of the $787 billion stimulus bill, which was designed to pump money into the nation's faltering economy and create jobs. Joan Fabiano, a General Motors retiree and conservative blogger who helped organize today's event, said.

Ah ha, thinks us, so that's it. Well, it is true here in Michigan we got a first class little depression going on and creating a bunch of jobs in the state would certainly screw that up.

And on a side note, featured speaker at our little protest against the threat of prosperity is none other than Joe the (not) Plumber. Now we don't know what strings Ms. Fabiano had to pull to land such a bright star in the pantheon of conservative pitter patter for our humble state, but we do know that when it comes to talking about stuff he knows nothing about, there's nobody better.

So, let's recap. People who don't know why they're protesting listening to a speech from a person who doesn't know what he's talking about. Yeah, sounds about like the conservative movement to us.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Somewhere, Edward R. Murrow Is Crying

Frequent readers of this blog know that adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be...er...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are big fans of canis familiaris. Specifically the needle noses, but truth be told just about any wet nose will do.

Which brings up to the point of today's little missive, namely the public announcement of President Obama's pooch selection: Bo the Portuguese Water Dog. Hooray, muses us, a day in which we can indulge in a little unfettered doggy bloggy, leave the loons and wackos to flail about in their own fever swamps of full on unmedicated delusion, off the rails paranoia and spittle flecked, rant infested howl at the moon foot stomping...uh...we mean Fox News while we play Whozagoodboy!!? with the news.

Alas, after years of writing this blog, you would have thought we'd have known better.

Is Bo a rescued dog or not? Did President Obama keep or break a campaign promise in picking the purebred as the family's new pet? The twists and turns of the Portuguese water dog's route to the White House make for the kind of intrigue that political junkies and the highly opinionated dog world delight in.

Well, if by "political junkies and the highly opinionated dog world" you mean people who don't have enough to do and no brains to do it with, then yeah, we can see your point.

And you wonder why we drink.

The Obamas repeatedly said they wanted it to be a rescued dog such as one from a shelter. Enter Bo, a 6-month-old puppy given up by his first owner and matched with the Obamas through his breeders. Because he was given up by his first owner as a poor fit and is now with his second owners, the Obamas, but never spent time in a shelter or with a rescue group.

Oh, sweet Jebus H. Freakin' Christopher Christ on the good ship lollipop, are you trying to tell us that because this dog was dumped by his owners, but not abandoned by them he doesn't count as a rescue?

Bo is a "quasi-rescue dog," says Wayne Pacelle, chief executive of The Humane Society of the United States.

Why yes. Yes, that's exactly what you are trying to tell us. Well, sir, allow us to reply that if Bo is a "quasi-rescue" dog, so are the thousands of greyhounds that are dumped each year by their owners, because they too, do not spend time in a shelter while waiting for a rescue. Many don't even get to spend time with a rescue group either, because there are way too many dogs and too few groups, yet these dogs are in just as need of rescue as any in shelters or with groups. And we would also like to add that while boneheads like you sit around sipping your Côte-du-Rhône and nibbling on your brie while congratulating yourself that you can say "quasi" without biting your tongue, thousands of dogs are dying all over the country because they've been abandoned, but haven't had the luxury of being taken to a shelter or picked up by a group so they can qualify for a Wayne Pacelle approved "rescue." Just their hard luck we guess.

Oh, and did we mention you're a jerk?

In fact, Bo is a gift to the Obamas' daughters, Malia and Sasha, from the Kennedys, said Katie McCormick Lelyveld, a spokeswoman for Michelle Obama. "They were starting their search with shelter dogs, but when the Kennedys learned of this dog and offered it as a gift to the girls, they met the dog, it was a perfect fit for their lifestyle and for Malia's health concerns," she said, adding that the Obamas are making a donation to the Washington Humane Society. "Because this gift came before their pound search sort of was completed, they made a gift to some of the places they were looking."

Sounds pretty straight forward to us because anyone who knows about dogs knows you don't pick the dog, the dog picks you. So, end of story. Just a case of Sharon Theimer, the reporter, looking for something to write about that wouldn't be hard, like you know, news and stuff, and some idiot who happened to answer the phone when she called who wanted to see his name in print. Now we can all get back to our lives.

Still, conspiracy buffs might speculate that Bo was meant for the Obamas all along. Was his adoption engineered to look like a rescue — or at least blur the line to head off criticism that the Obamas had picked a purebred from a breeder?

Oh. Holy. Crap.

Lying us into a war, looting the economy, trashing the planet, shredding the Constitution, all those are not big enough stories to attract the fourth estate for more than a sound bite, but getting the real story behind how Malia and Sasha got their dog? Hey, that's the kind of reporting that gets the attention of the Pulitzer Committee.

OK, we're going to go for a walk now, find a nice tree to sit under and slowly bang our head against it until...wait...what's that you say Mr. Jefferson?

"I deplore... the putrid state into which our newspapers have passed and the malignity, the vulgarity, and mendacious spirit of those who write for them... These ordures are rapidly depraving the public taste and lessening its relish for sound food. As vehicles of information and a curb on our functionaries, they have rendered themselves useless by forfeiting all title to belief."

Ah, so you've met Ms. Theimer.

Monday, April 13, 2009

BREAKING: James Dobson Says Republicans Lied. In Other News, Sun To Set In West.

So, yesterday we celebrated the day Ishtar returned from hell, or was that Dayton. We're never sure about these religious holidays. Here in the states we call that Easter, and as with so many of the old pagan holidays, it's been co opted by the Christians who never saw a party they didn't want to crash.

So the Christians are a fairly opportunistic religion, sort of like Karposi's Sarcoma, but that's not what we want to write about today. Easter is one of those holidays that sort of creeps up on us--and sometimes creeps right by depending on what is on sale down at the neighborhood adult beverage emporium, so we were a little behind the curve when we ran across this.

The White House is allocating tickets for the upcoming Easter Egg Roll to gay and lesbian parents as part of the Obama administration's outreach to diverse communities.

Ruh Ro, thinks us. This is not going to sit well with the guardians of America's virtue. In fact we think we can already hear the steam coming out of James Dobson's ears.

America's religious right has conceded that the election of US President Barack Obama has sealed its defeat in the cultural war with permissiveness and secularism.

We're sorry. What? You're giving up?

Leading evangelicals have admitted that their association with George W. Bush has not only hurt the cause of social conservatives but contributed to the failure of the key objectives of their 30-year struggle. James Dobson, 72, who resigned recently as head of Focus on the Family - one of the largest Christian groups in the country, acknowledged the dramatic reverse for the religious Right in a farewell speech to staff.

Wait a minute. Are you telling us that George Bush was such a tremendous screw up that even god couldn't overcome his incompetence? God? The supreme guy. Master of the universe and all that. God just threw up his hands one day and said, "George, your idiocy cannot be defeated," and that's how we got Obama?

“We tried to defend the unborn child, the dignity of the family, but it was a holding action,” Dobson said. “We are awash in evil and the battle is still to be waged. We are right now in the most discouraging period of that long conflict. Humanly speaking, we can say we have lost all those battles.”

See, that's where you went wrong: "Humanly speaking." You should have taken Cheney's advice and gotten inhuman on all those homos and abortatrons. Like men? How'd you like to lose some of those well manicured fingernails? Don't wat to be a sperm receptacle? How about a little waterboarding?

Though the struggle will go on, the confession of Mr Dobson, who started his ministry from scratch in 1977, came amid growing concern that church attendance in the United States is heading the way of Britain, where no more than ten per cent worship every week.

Ten percent? You can't run an operation on that. Man, looks like more layoffs at Focus on the Family. Hope your retirement portfolio is diversified Dobby, or you're likely to be saying "Welcome To Walmart" in the near future.

Recent surveys have suggested that the American religious landscape has shifted significantly. A study by Trinity College in Connecticut found that 11 per cent fewer Americans identify themselves as Christian than 20 years ago. Experts speculate that this is due to better prenatal care and universal hygiene improvements. Those stating no religious affiliation or declaring themselves smarter than a box of rocks has risen from 8.2 per cent in 1990 to 15 per cent in 2008.

“All that time spent trying to sit at the top table is not time well spent. Republicans say one thing and do another.” said Steve Deace, an evangelical radio talk show host.

Oh really. You don't say. What was your first clue?

Friday, April 10, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

Well it seems President Obama's call for bipartisanship is finally beginning to bear fruit. No, not with republicans. They're still trying to figure out why everyone points at them and laughs when they say Tea Bag. We're talking about the overlords and people with souls agreeing on the value of ending unit exploitation...er...greyhound racing.

The last dog race at Belmont's greyhound track may already have been run - and both animal-rights activists and the owners of the Lodge at Belmont are happy about it. "We've said for a long time that the less greyhound racing we do the better it is for greyhound racing," said Rick Newman, a spokesman and lobbyist for the Lodge at Belmont.

A provision in the House version of the state budget would allow the state's race tracks to quit running races on-site and essentially become off-track betting parlors. "You don't have to feed, water and care for an off track betting parlor." Newman said. "Not that we did that good of a job that anyway, but still..."

Already, New Hampshire's tracks make most of their money from bets on races run elsewhere, which tend to draw cat food gourmets and people with no teeth. The measure would also charge the race tracks who keep running races for the costs incurred by the state. "Hey, you want to run a money losing operation, don't expect a bailout from us," said Representative Neil Kurk, a Weare Republican. "What do you think we are, the federal government or something?"

Representatives from New Hampshire's other dog track, the Seabrook Greyhound Park, could not be reached for comment because they were cramming for their final exam at Walmart Greeter School. The former track at Hinsdale filed for bankruptcy last year; the lawyer handling the proceedings had to work a double shift down at the Hardware Store and did not return a call for comment.

So the state is going to charge them if they keep sucking their trailer payments off of you, huh JJ? Sort of takes all the fun out of animal exploitation doesn't it?

JJ is curious about everything. She is a beautiful girl. She came straight off the track but loved to cuddle right away. JJ would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Give Us Your Poor, Your Tired, Your Huddled Masses, But Keep Those Weird Names

Here in the marbled halls of IM Central we enjoy occasionally welcoming friends from the Middle Kingdom (Maotai Running Dogs! Man, them Commies can sure distill the spirits, what?). In an attempt to bridge the cultural gap, said friends have, on occasion offered to teach us certain words and phrases from their language. These efforts have met with limited success, however we are pleased to report that we can say hello (Ni Hao). Good-bye (Zi Zian). Where is the bathroom? (Che-Shou Zai Na-li) and we're working on We are Foreign Devils (Wo shi wai mo). We tell you this by way of establishing our credentials in commenting on the latest bit of cultural sensitivity emanating from the great state of Texas (Motto: Y'all don't look like no Americans).

A Texas legislator, during House testimony on voter identification legislation said Asian-descent voters should adopt names that are easier for Americans to deal with. "Now, I can say Kung Pao's chicken, and sushi and stuff like that there," said state Representative Betty Brown, R-etard. "But when you all go putting all those X's and Z's in your names and such, well, there's just no way this old north Texas tongue is ever going to be able to wrap around that. 'Sides, I'm not even sure X's and Z's are American letters to begin with."

Ramey Ko, a representative of the Organization of Chinese Americans told the House Elections Committee that people of Chinese, Japanese and Korean descent often have problems voting because "you people have an IQ that is only slightly above that of tap water."

"See, now Ramey Ko, I can say that name," Brown said. "Even Wun Hung Lo and Wo Flung Dung, but I think the real question here is why do you Asian people think you can come over here to our country and vote anyway?"

“Rather than everyone here having to learn Chinese — because Lord knows we'd have to learn your whole language to say them crazy names right— do you think that it would behoove you and your citizens to dumb down your culture to something a fourth grader could handle?” Brown said. "You're in America now Mr. Chinaman. You need to get you an American name. Everybody knows it's easier for a poll worker to write Billie Bob on a voting slip than Zhang Zung Zowie."

Democratic Chairman Boyd Richie said Republicans are trying to suppress votes with a partisan identification bill and said Brown “is adding insult to injury with her disrespectful comments.”

"Ain't nothing disrespectful about it," Brown countered. "Have you seen the people we get to work the polls in Texas? We're lucky if they can read the signs on the restroom doors and they don't end up peeing in the janitor's closet."

Brown spokesman Jordan Berry said Brown was not making a racially motivated comment but was trying to resolve an identification problem. "All them Orientals look alike you know," he said. "We've got to have some way to tell them apart."

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Sure The Bible Has Donkey Sex, But At Least There Aren't Any Pictures

Frequent readers of this blog know that their parents would never admit to asking for a do over...er...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central prefer the ironicus that can only be at its maximus with the A list crazies that dot the national landscape. People like Frank Gaffney who, in addition to his mad skillz reading Saddam Hussein's mind has now perfected his ability to decode Muslim-speak!

When he uses the word “respect,” in the context of a waist-bow to the king of Saudi Arabia, for example, and talks about respectful language, which is code for those who adhere to Sharia that we will submit to Sharia.

Right, Frank. And when we use the word "idiot" in the context of pointing at you and laughing, for example, and talk about mega-doses of Xanax and Valium, those are code for You. Are. Freaking. Nuts.

Today however, we ran across a local situation, written up by a local columnist that we'd like to bring to your attention because it is that rare combination of run of the mill wingnuttery writ large by the reporter's uncommon ability to wring the crazy out of an unsuspecting English language, but let's let our modern day Edward R. Murrow tell it:

If Pastor Brian Henley were your 12-year-old son and he told you how he came across the book, "Sex: How to do Everything," you might not believe him.

OK, first of all, what 12 year old is going to run home and tell their parents they found a book about sex? You know dad is just going to take it away so he and your mother can "study it" to see if it's "appropriate" for you and oh by the way here's 10 bucks why don't you go to a movie or something.

Oh, and if your 12 year old is a Pastor, you've got some serious parenting issues.

Henley said he was strolling through the Holt-Delhi Library recently when he spotted a book on the floor.
Right. And that Playboy mom found when we were 15 just flew up under our mattress on a stiff winter wind. Also, what's he doing "strolling" through a library? You stroll through a park on a warm summer day, dude. You go to a library to, like read stuff, you know?

"I picked it up and opened it and saw full naked real-life images," Henley wrote in an e-mail to me. "They were engaged in various sexual positions, and very explicit images."
Hey Padre, the book's title is "Sex: How to do Everything," what were you expecting to find, instructions on installing a turbo-charger on a small block Chevy engine?

Well, it's obvious events have escalated beyond the humble Pastor's pay scale, so let's let our intrepid reporter take over from here:

Incidentally, I was planning to look at the book myself - strictly as research, of course. But I learned from Sarah Redman, adult selection specialist for the Capital Area District Library, that all three copies, bought last fall, are missing in action.
Two were stolen. The remaining copy - the one in Holt - is checked out and past due.
"It's a popular subject," said Redman.
Ha ha ha ha ha! See, she made a joke. Sex is "popular." Wait, did anyone tell Pastor Henley? And why is the only remaining copy of the book, the one Pastor Henley found while rooting around on the floor, suddenly missing and past due? Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone? Henley!!

Henley, pastor of Journey Life Church in Holt, filed a written complaint. "I stated that I was not objecting to the book and the freedom of adults to use it (even though I am a pastor, and don't approve of that type of material)."
Right. The last thing we want is for people to learn how to do that sex stuff better. You know what that leads to don't you? Why the wimmen folks will all be wantin' to have them there whatdayacallit, Organisms? Then they'd start reading Cosmo and be all, "you never consider my feelings" and who needs that kind of pressure, you know?

In a subsequent interview, Henley said he thought the book should be kept "behind the counter."
In a safe. And only the police know the combination. And Latin. The book should be written in Latin. Or maybe Spanish because those people don't need any coaching about sex. Have you seen how fast they multiply? Those people breed like rabbits on ecstasy, which wouldn't be a problem except they're all catholics. What was my point?

In response to his formal request that "Sex: How to do Everything" be handled with more discretion, Henley received a letter from Redman that said, in part: "Thank you for taking the time to express your concerns about our inclusion of 'Sex: How to do Everything' ... I can certainly understand that the authors' use of photos of a nude man and woman to illustrate the information could be disconcerting.
Yeah, because obviously Pastor Henley thinks people have sex with their clothes on. Or at least wearing black socks like those "educational videos" he used to watch with the boys down in the basement of the seminary.

Henley's answer: "I am appalled at the response of the library ... and ... am taking a stand as a parent and a taxpayer. We must protect our kids ..."
Good on ya Pastor H, because we all know the less kids know about sex the better off they are. Just ask Bristol Palin.

Tuesday, April 07, 2009

Bachmann/Wurzelbacher in 2012 Because Crazy People Need A Voice

OK, so Michele Bachmann is running around the country trying to incite a "slave" revolt when not explaining her fear of "re-education camps" to that paragon of logical analysis and insightful discourse Glenn Beck.

While she's doing that, Joe the (not) Plumber is in Pennsylvania campaigning against the Employee Free Choice Act, which he admits he knows nothing about.

You can't make this stuff up.

UPDATE: We have learned that Michele Bachmann was, in fact, reelected in her district even though her opponent was actually a tree stump, and even though she lost the two debates they had, residents of the district voted for her anyway because she threatened to move back and live in the district if they didn't.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Friday Hound Blogging

We've been regularly looking in on the overlords for a few years now and have become convinced that they are, for the most part, rather loosely wrapped when it comes to the whole living in the real world thing. Still, even we figured that the recently concluded ballot initiative in Massachusetts that outlawed greyhound racing would send a message clear enough for even the most...um...reality impaired overlord to understand.

Turns out we were wrong.

A new group called Protection of Working Animals and Handlers Inc. has sent a letter to 1,600 people, seeking funds so it can mount a campaign to “reverse or invalidate” the November ballot question. "Fifty six percent of the people in this state voted to end greyhound racing," The president of this group’s board of directors, Linda A. Jensen said. "It's obviously a simple case of the tyranny of the majority."

Jensen said the group plans to lobby the Legislature, file an election fraud suit and sue for “defamation of character.” And if those approaches prove futile Jensen says she will lock herself in her room and not come out at all, not even for supper.

Yeah. Pesky democratic process. What were the forefathers thinking anyway Sassy?

Sassy is friendly, loving, smart and outgoing. She is playful, but calms easily when play time is over. She is affectionate and she will curl up next to you on the floor for pets. She loves to play with toys. She is highly food motivated and learns quickly for treats. She barks at the dogs she sees on TV. She is a Second Chance at Life Dog from the Coldwater Prison Program. Sassy would do well in a working family home with well-mannered children, 10 and up. She is good with other dogs and would probably be fine as an only dog. For more information about this dog, and other rescued racing greyhounds looking for homes, go here. If you don't know about the plight of racing greyhounds go here.

And if you 'd like to know more about the good work the Second Chance at Life program is doing for the dogs, and the prisoners, go here.

Thursday, April 02, 2009

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Straight Eye For The Queer Guy

As professional curriculum technicians at our local educorporate training facility, we'd like to offer our services to the vatican as they attempt to design an evaluative instrument for the purpose of determining the particular skill set needed for entrants into the priesthood. Well, the particular skill set not needed in this case, bu that's minor quibble.
The Melbourne Catholic Church has embraced a vatican recommendation to test potential priests for sexual orientation.
Very good. Now, the first step the aspiring test giver must take is to determine which type of test will adequately measure the skills and knowledge he or she wishes to test. Usually the choices are multiple choice, true false, essay, or some combination, but in this case due to the special nature of the test and its rather narrow focus we suggest show tunes.
Under the guidelines, potential priests who "appear" to be gay must be banned.
Ah ha. A common mistake among less experienced evaluative interlocutors. Appearances are often deceiving and do not constitute an empirically valid level of measurement upon which a determination can be based. Allow us to explain with an example from your own country: Mel Gibson. On the surface, the subject appears rational, sane and arguably talented, yet he wrote and directed Apocalypto apparently expecting that people would want to see it. It turns out, however, they were much more interested in his views on Semite culture than Mayan.
The head of the Vatican committee that made the recommendations has made it clear celibate gays should also be banned because homosexuality is ‘‘a type of deviation’’.
Well, we have to admit that given what's come to light the last few years, the vatican certainly knows a lot about deviancy, so the potential to measure it is probably well within their means.
Victorian Gay and Lesbian Rights Lobby spokeswoman Hayley Conway said the church was sending a ‘‘dangerous and offensive’’ message about sexuality.
Not true at all. The very act of creating a test determines that some things are important (those that are tested) and some things are not (those that aren't tested, say empathy and compassion, just as examples).
‘‘If the plan is to root out pedophilia or child molestation, targeting people with homosexual tendencies isn’t the way to go about it.’’
Of course not, Ms. Conway. Would you expect a history test to measure mathematical skills? Another instrument will have to be created for measurement in those areas. Perhaps the vatican could contract with an expert in those fields to conduct intensive interviews with incoming seminarians. We hear Michael Jackson isn't busy.
Outspoken Catholic priest Father Bob Maguire said the document ‘‘flies in the face of secular society’s sense of fairness and justice’’. ‘‘The point is not to what gender you are attracted, but how you manage that attraction,’’ he said.
Well said father. Couldn't have stated it better ourselves. Or maybe we could have.