Somewhere, Edward R. Murrow Is Crying

Frequent readers of this blog know that adulthood isn't all it's cracked up to be...er...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central are big fans of canis familiaris. Specifically the needle noses, but truth be told just about any wet nose will do.

Which brings up to the point of today's little missive, namely the public announcement of President Obama's pooch selection: Bo the Portuguese Water Dog. Hooray, muses us, a day in which we can indulge in a little unfettered doggy bloggy, leave the loons and wackos to flail about in their own fever swamps of full on unmedicated delusion, off the rails paranoia and spittle flecked, rant infested howl at the moon foot stomping...uh...we mean Fox News while we play Whozagoodboy!!? with the news.

Alas, after years of writing this blog, you would have thought we'd have known better.

Is Bo a rescued dog or not? Did President Obama keep or break a campaign promise in picking the purebred as the family's new pet? The twists and turns of the Portuguese water dog's route to the White House make for the kind of intrigue that political junkies and the highly opinionated dog world delight in.

Well, if by "political junkies and the highly opinionated dog world" you mean people who don't have enough to do and no brains to do it with, then yeah, we can see your point.

And you wonder why we drink.

The Obamas repeatedly said they wanted it to be a rescued dog such as one from a shelter. Enter Bo, a 6-month-old puppy given up by his first owner and matched with the Obamas through his breeders. Because he was given up by his first owner as a poor fit and is now with his second owners, the Obamas, but never spent time in a shelter or with a rescue group.

Oh, sweet Jebus H. Freakin' Christopher Christ on the good ship lollipop, are you trying to tell us that because this dog was dumped by his owners, but not abandoned by them he doesn't count as a rescue?

Bo is a "quasi-rescue dog," says Wayne Pacelle, chief executive of The Humane Society of the United States.

Why yes. Yes, that's exactly what you are trying to tell us. Well, sir, allow us to reply that if Bo is a "quasi-rescue" dog, so are the thousands of greyhounds that are dumped each year by their owners, because they too, do not spend time in a shelter while waiting for a rescue. Many don't even get to spend time with a rescue group either, because there are way too many dogs and too few groups, yet these dogs are in just as need of rescue as any in shelters or with groups. And we would also like to add that while boneheads like you sit around sipping your Côte-du-Rhône and nibbling on your brie while congratulating yourself that you can say "quasi" without biting your tongue, thousands of dogs are dying all over the country because they've been abandoned, but haven't had the luxury of being taken to a shelter or picked up by a group so they can qualify for a Wayne Pacelle approved "rescue." Just their hard luck we guess.

Oh, and did we mention you're a jerk?

In fact, Bo is a gift to the Obamas' daughters, Malia and Sasha, from the Kennedys, said Katie McCormick Lelyveld, a spokeswoman for Michelle Obama. "They were starting their search with shelter dogs, but when the Kennedys learned of this dog and offered it as a gift to the girls, they met the dog, it was a perfect fit for their lifestyle and for Malia's health concerns," she said, adding that the Obamas are making a donation to the Washington Humane Society. "Because this gift came before their pound search sort of was completed, they made a gift to some of the places they were looking."

Sounds pretty straight forward to us because anyone who knows about dogs knows you don't pick the dog, the dog picks you. So, end of story. Just a case of Sharon Theimer, the reporter, looking for something to write about that wouldn't be hard, like you know, news and stuff, and some idiot who happened to answer the phone when she called who wanted to see his name in print. Now we can all get back to our lives.

Still, conspiracy buffs might speculate that Bo was meant for the Obamas all along. Was his adoption engineered to look like a rescue — or at least blur the line to head off criticism that the Obamas had picked a purebred from a breeder?

Oh. Holy. Crap.

Lying us into a war, looting the economy, trashing the planet, shredding the Constitution, all those are not big enough stories to attract the fourth estate for more than a sound bite, but getting the real story behind how Malia and Sasha got their dog? Hey, that's the kind of reporting that gets the attention of the Pulitzer Committee.

OK, we're going to go for a walk now, find a nice tree to sit under and slowly bang our head against it until...wait...what's that you say Mr. Jefferson?

"I deplore... the putrid state into which our newspapers have passed and the malignity, the vulgarity, and mendacious spirit of those who write for them... These ordures are rapidly depraving the public taste and lessening its relish for sound food. As vehicles of information and a curb on our functionaries, they have rendered themselves useless by forfeiting all title to belief."

Ah, so you've met Ms. Theimer.