Sure The Bible Has Donkey Sex, But At Least There Aren't Any Pictures

Frequent readers of this blog know that their parents would never admit to asking for a do over...er...we mean know that we here in the marbled halls of IM Central prefer the ironicus that can only be at its maximus with the A list crazies that dot the national landscape. People like Frank Gaffney who, in addition to his mad skillz reading Saddam Hussein's mind has now perfected his ability to decode Muslim-speak!

When he uses the word “respect,” in the context of a waist-bow to the king of Saudi Arabia, for example, and talks about respectful language, which is code for those who adhere to Sharia that we will submit to Sharia.

Right, Frank. And when we use the word "idiot" in the context of pointing at you and laughing, for example, and talk about mega-doses of Xanax and Valium, those are code for You. Are. Freaking. Nuts.

Today however, we ran across a local situation, written up by a local columnist that we'd like to bring to your attention because it is that rare combination of run of the mill wingnuttery writ large by the reporter's uncommon ability to wring the crazy out of an unsuspecting English language, but let's let our modern day Edward R. Murrow tell it:

If Pastor Brian Henley were your 12-year-old son and he told you how he came across the book, "Sex: How to do Everything," you might not believe him.

OK, first of all, what 12 year old is going to run home and tell their parents they found a book about sex? You know dad is just going to take it away so he and your mother can "study it" to see if it's "appropriate" for you and oh by the way here's 10 bucks why don't you go to a movie or something.

Oh, and if your 12 year old is a Pastor, you've got some serious parenting issues.

Henley said he was strolling through the Holt-Delhi Library recently when he spotted a book on the floor.

Right. And that Playboy mom found when we were 15 just flew up under our mattress on a stiff winter wind. Also, what's he doing "strolling" through a library? You stroll through a park on a warm summer day, dude. You go to a library to, like read stuff, you know?

"I picked it up and opened it and saw full naked real-life images," Henley wrote in an e-mail to me. "They were engaged in various sexual positions, and very explicit images."

Hey Padre, the book's title is "Sex: How to do Everything," what were you expecting to find, instructions on installing a turbo-charger on a small block Chevy engine?

Well, it's obvious events have escalated beyond the humble Pastor's pay scale, so let's let our intrepid reporter take over from here:

Incidentally, I was planning to look at the book myself - strictly as research, of course. But I learned from Sarah Redman, adult selection specialist for the Capital Area District Library, that all three copies, bought last fall, are missing in action.
Two were stolen. The remaining copy - the one in Holt - is checked out and past due.
"It's a popular subject," said Redman.

Ha ha ha ha ha! See, she made a joke. Sex is "popular." Wait, did anyone tell Pastor Henley? And why is the only remaining copy of the book, the one Pastor Henley found while rooting around on the floor, suddenly missing and past due? Any ideas? Anyone? Anyone? Henley!!

Henley, pastor of Journey Life Church in Holt, filed a written complaint. "I stated that I was not objecting to the book and the freedom of adults to use it (even though I am a pastor, and don't approve of that type of material)."

Right. The last thing we want is for people to learn how to do that sex stuff better. You know what that leads to don't you? Why the wimmen folks will all be wantin' to have them there whatdayacallit, Organisms? Then they'd start reading Cosmo and be all, "you never consider my feelings" and who needs that kind of pressure, you know?

In a subsequent interview, Henley said he thought the book should be kept "behind the counter."

In a safe. And only the police know the combination. And Latin. The book should be written in Latin. Or maybe Spanish because those people don't need any coaching about sex. Have you seen how fast they multiply? Those people breed like rabbits on ecstasy, which wouldn't be a problem except they're all catholics. What was my point?

In response to his formal request that "Sex: How to do Everything" be handled with more discretion, Henley received a letter from Redman that said, in part: "Thank you for taking the time to express your concerns about our inclusion of 'Sex: How to do Everything' ... I can certainly understand that the authors' use of photos of a nude man and woman to illustrate the information could be disconcerting.

Yeah, because obviously Pastor Henley thinks people have sex with their clothes on. Or at least wearing black socks like those "educational videos" he used to watch with the boys down in the basement of the seminary.

Henley's answer: "I am appalled at the response of the library ... and ... am taking a stand as a parent and a taxpayer. We must protect our kids ..."

Good on ya Pastor H, because we all know the less kids know about sex the better off they are. Just ask Bristol Palin.